groomer1

I have been in a 9 month relationship with an alcoholic. In the beginning, we were doing herbal treatments to help with the cirrhosis, working out, etc. (Yes, I was completely codependent..) Then he couldn't clean up for the long haul. He changed from being charming and wonderful to a complete jerk - so verbally abusive and uncaring, and taking me completely for granted. He was always financially strapped, had a story for EVERYTHING, and lied to make himself look good constantly, as he is a functioning alcoholic. I did the no contact thing and didn't see him for 2 months, did not answer texts, nothing. Today I went to see him to pick up my belongings. He has now had two incidents where he has seriously hurt himself from literally falling down drunk. I said I can't watch him kill himself and he just nodded, like, "Yeah, okay.." He packed my things and sobbed, gave them to me, and watched me leave; didn't try to stop me, just let me go. He said "I know you miss me" and let me walk to my car. This hurts so badly, worse than anything I have ever experienced. I am in AlAnon and my group is wonderful, but I am feeling terrible tonight. Would you please comment on how to get over this hurt..I thought the past two months of not seeing him was bad, but today it all came back in a rush and I'm home crying again. Will it ever get better? I want myself back happy so bad...

Pelican

((((Hugs)))))

Yes, the pain eases.....with time.

I was a basket case after seeing my husband again after our seperation and no contact began. I was literally a shaking, blubbering, blob of emotions.

You have shared part of your life with this person. The grief will come.

Just as sure as it arrives, one day it begins to fade.

My only suggestion, take care of yourself during this time. You are worth the time and effort

Pelican

p.s.
Melody Beatties book "codependent no more" has a chapter on the stages of grieving. It was very helpful to me to identify with the feelings and understand they were a normal healthy response to loss of a relationship.

Sylvie66

((Groomer)) take it one moment at a time, one breath at a time. Some days are worse than others, for those of us who have left loved ones. It may help to go for a walk, or do an anonymous favor for someone. When you're not a crying mess, take the time to do a Gratitude Check. I've found that if I try to say what I'm grateful for when I'm bawling, I say terrible things to myself - so don't go there until you're feeling stronger.
Can you get a hug, a cup of tea, a bath and a nap? That's my four-part cure-all for pretty much everything.

- Sylvie

LexieCat

What you did today was extraordinarily hard. It had a finality that the "no contact" didn't.

Be nice to yourself, give yourself some time. You WILL be happy again, promise!

Be gentle with yourself, and focus on the good things your future will hold instead of trying to keep one foot in the past. It WILL get better.

Panther

groomer1 -

I find with any situation, meditation helps tremendously. It may bring up even tougher emotions, but once they are at the surface and you're not repressing them anymore - you can handle them.

I like to do visual meditations. I listen to flute music or something else equally relaxing and I picture myself somewhere. From there I let the meditation take me where it will. It's kind of like having a dream but you are fully conscious and able to remember everything when you are done.

If you ask 12 people for advice, you will get 12 different answers, but often times I find that the best answers are found within. I think there is an inner strength and knowledge that once you tap into, will always sustain you.

Best of Wishes,

Panther

groomer1

Thank you, Pelican, for letting me know someone else has experienced this deep pain and finality..it helps me to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel..

groomer1

Sylvie, thank you for the Gratitude Check idea; I will definitely do it. I am a bath/tea person, and the naps and hugs are good too!

Lexie, yes, you hit it, the finality is what I am struggling with. Thank you for the encouragement that I will get better one day..

Panther, I am finding much more comfort in being alone lately. It used to be strange, but I think I can come to use the meditation tool as I get stronger in mind and spirit. Thank you for reminding me of my strength within.