Just4me

Just some questions regarding recovery. I'm not an addict, so I don't know how the mind works. I am more of an expert of living with one, as I have with my father my whole life, and now my current partner.

Anyways, for the first time in years he's decided to get sober (off alcohol) for HIM. I made sure that I let him know I supported his decision, but that I would not "carry him" through sobriety.

He tells me the cravings are terrible. I see him physically withdrawing, shaking, throwing up, etc. Its been 8 days and although the physical symptoms are starting to go away, I know the emotional struggle is stronger than ever. He's been strong this far, but then he's done 8 days before...

I know I need to help myself, which I am doing. But how can I support him and his decision without "doing it for him" or making him feel guilty? I frequently tell him how much I enjoy his company when he's sober and I'm proud of him for going down this difficult path. I don't drink in front of him, don't keep alcohol in the house, and support his decision to avoid situations where he might be tempted to drink (such as get togethers with friends). Other than encouraging him, I don't know what else there is without physically taking him to the meetings (which I won't do unless he asks for a ride as he has a restricted license from his first DUI a few months ago). I know I can't control him, his addiction, or his recovery. As part of my new boundaries (of no alcohol on our property and no being intoxicated in the home), I've made it clear that if he wants to drink do it at a friends house or get a hotel room. Other than that I've put the choice of sobriety/drinking in his hands.

I guess what I want to know is, for all of you recovering addicts, what worked for you? Was there anything that you did to make one attempt more successful than the failed attemps? As his partner, how can I support him during his recovery? What worked for you? And are the cravings and bad as they sound, like there is a need for it, not just a want? Just wanted some perspective from the other side.

Thanks

LexieCat

Probably the most helpful thing you can do is to just concentrate on your own life. Encouraging him to "share about his feelings" and stuff like that is NOT helpful. He has no idea at this point (and probably won't, for awhile) about what his feelings actually ARE.

If he does a lot of bitching and moaning about how HARD it is, you can make noncommittal noises of agreement. It's real enough to him, but you don't have to feed into it. Early sobriety is tough, no doubt about it, but it isn't torture, at least not after the first week or so. After withdrawal is over, there isn't a physical need for alcohol, but there is an EXTREMELY powerful obsession that can pop up at any time. It can FEEL like a need, rather than a "want".

You might suggest that he ask others in his meetings for rides, rather than driving him. I've given regular rides to people who need one, and it's one of the ways you form bonds with people in the groups. It also minimizes your involvement in his getting to meetings.

I wouldn't go to meetings WITH him unless he invites you. But going to a few open AA meetings on your own might give you some insight into what goes on there.

Good luck, hope you are making Al-Anon meetings, yourself.

Pelican

Hi, I'm Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also the ex-spouse of an alcoholic.
I got sober and began my recovery while married to an active alcoholic. I lived with alcohol in my home during early sobriety.

Was there anything I did to make one attempt more successful than the other attempts?
Yes. I had to want sobriety more than I wanted my marriage, my career, my children, or my home. Because if I didn't quit, I was going to lose all of them. (That is the inspiration behind my signature line)

It is not up to the partner to support the recovering alcoholic. An alcoholic needs to own the addiction as well as the recovery. I received support from mentors here at SR. I needed the encouragement and support of someone that had "been there done that and survived". I also needed the daily reminders of newbies that had just started on the path to recovery. It reminded me of where I was coming from and what I was leaving behind.

As the partner of an alcoholic, (mine tried sobriety after being served divorce papers) how much support is enough? How much is too much? How much is not enough? If the alcoholic fails, you may be on the receiving end of accusations of not being supportive, being too involved, not being supportive enough. Yet, the reality is the addiction and the recovery belong to the addict.

For my RXAH, I offered him use of the family computer to look up and print the local AA schedule. He went to meetings and got a sponsor. His withdrawals/recovery/progress did not look like mine. That did not make his wrong or mine right. Each person chooses their own path.

Just as your recovery from living with alcoholism may look different than mine. Some of us choose Alanon, some choose counseling, some self-help books, and some nothing at all. Each of us chooses our own path.

The best support we receive is from others that have walked the same path we are walking. We learn from their experience and we appreciate their support.

Panther

Hi Just4me,

I was addicted to pain killers not alcohol, and so I don't know EXACTLY what your spouse is going through but I can offer some perspective.

As far as withdrawals symptoms go, from what I have read, alcohol causes thee WORST withdrawal symptoms. Worse than even heroin. My immediate withdrawal symptoms lasted for several days. I lay in a ball on my bed for most of it and felt like I was going to die. I had the sweats, a runny nose and a fever. I went through this several times, as I was addicted several times. But the last time I had heavily researched addiction and recovery so I was more prepared.

What made the last time different was that I knew what it took to recover fully. Immediately after withdrawals I started a diet to aid the recovery of my brain and body. It included all fruits and veggies with high quality vitamins and supplements. I had not done this prior, so my recovery was never a full recovery prior. Even after stopping on previous attempts, I still suffered PROTRACTED withdrawal symptoms which included 1) Cravings 2) Emotional Instability/Depression/Anxiety 3) General poor body health. One doctor which really helped in my recovery was Dr. Amen. He specializes in helping the brain be stable and healthy and is well known for helping addicts recover. I never saw him, but I took notes on a lecture I saw of his and I read his materials and his recommendations literally changed my life!

And yes, cravings are as bad as they sound. Fortunately I was not addicted to alcohol, otherwise I probably would have relapsed. At one point I even contemplated driving down to Mexico to score some pills and at another I thought about making my own "pain killers" with poppy seed tea. Of course, I didn't do either. But just the fact that I was considering it shows you how bad the cravings were.

Panther

SSIL75

I am a recovering alcoholic. I will have a year next month.

I am also married with 3 small children.

What I most appreciated of my husband was how he expressed such interest in my sober life. I remember going to a pampered chef party in early recovery (something I would NEVER have one before because it require driving after 4pm an it was 'lame'). When I got back he put away his laptop an asked me a million questions about it. What did so and so buy? What was there to eat? Just silly things but I remember it so vividly because it was my first foray into real life an I was so nervous.

As an addict I had very poor coping skills. A lot of chaos at home really sets me off (an with 3 small kids this is a regular occurrence). So it helped that when things got really stressful he would send me off to the local tea shop. This only happened a few times but it was much appreciated. In return, I worked very hard on learning new ways to cope.

We really didn't talk much about my addition. But we worked hard to build a new sober life together and I'm forever grateful for his time and attention there. There are a lot of house projects that I know went undone because he'd come for ice cream with us instead of doing them.

He is a normal drinker and continues to drink. He did offer to quit but I said no.

The cravings are hard but I didn't talk about them IRL. I put my family through hell. My alcoholism had gotten enough airtime. Big Girl Panties time

Best of luck to you guys!

Freedom1990

The best support that anyone can be for me is for them to have their own program of recovery.

I'm like Pelican in that I wanted sobriety more than anything else. It had to be my first priority. Without that, everything else was null and void.

Jazzman

I was a cocaine addict, clean for 28 years. Quitting that was way harder than quitting cigarettes. The physical withdrawal symptoms were so minimal I don't even recall what they were. The psychological symptoms were a lot of agitation, irritation, depression, insomnia and the cravings where unfriggenbelievable. These symptoms lasted for almost two years. It takes years for the brain chemistry imbalance to normalize unlike three to six months months for alcohol. Just driving by the familiar highway exit to my old dealer was enough to bring back the cravings. I really don't know how new to recovery alcoholics do it driving by a dozen Quickie Marts that sell beer on the way home from work?!?!

What worked for me was the desire to get clean, stay clean and get my life on track. I didn't use any support groups or recovery program, just white knuckled it for a few years then basically forgot about that dismal chapter in my life.

iliveforyou

Hi, my name is Jess and I'm a recovering alcoholic as well as an addict. I quit drinking on July 3rd, 2009 after I got my first DUI. That was my wake up call. I am also a mother with a 3 1/2 yr old autistic child whom I homeschool and SAH with. She was my main motivation but I quit for ME. I've been struggling with various addictions, the most recent one being kicking pills.

What has worked for me? Staring in my daughter's eyes knowing she deserved to have a clean, healthy mother. Lookiing at myself and realising if I don't kick them, I'm going to die. I struggled with alcohol cravings for about 6 months afterwards and they still pop up but they are very infrequent at this point in time. Pills however I just kicked c/t and it was a living nightmare. I am struggling with the mental part (cravings, having my mind try and trick me into thinking I need to abuse these damn pills, etc) in a big way. It's going to be hard. But I have never ever given up. SR, face to face support (in my case seeing a therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist) and attending to my mental illnesses have also been HUGE for me.

My case is a bit complicated as I am a chronic pain patient in pain mgt. but also fighting an addictive personality.

A lot of people have found help with AA/NA or other recovery programs, it's just not for me.

To help him? Keep encouraging him and let him know you are there for him. Anything other than that would be too much unless he were to come to you and ask for your help.

An addicts brain will work tiressly and endlessly to try and convince you that you NEED it, it becomes much more than a want, esp in the beginning. Recovery is possible as you know but it must be on his terms. I only wish my husband would be as supportive as you are to your husband. He just yells at me and guilt trips me. Then will bury it and be in denial. Not helpful at all, it has only pushed me back into the drugs but not this time. I refuse to let that stop me.

Take care

Jess

Terminally Unique

I quit alcohol and cigarettes after drinking every night for years, almost 24/7 for the last two. I know from the withdrawal that I was physically dependent on alcohol. The cravings ARE terrible, or they were for me. For months I would wake up thinking about whiskey first thing in the morning, and it was like hunger pangs on steroids. I can't even describe it, but it was almost like I would get shocks in my brain at random times - I never felt anything like it before or since.

The alcohol cravings were far more powerful than the nicotine cravings, which were strong, but they just didn't have that "force" behind them. The nicotine cravings did not last as long, and subsided after about two weeks, whereas the alcohol cravings took months to pass. That said, I was able to cope with them using a technique called Addictive Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT). The worst part was the depression and insomnia, which just lingered and lingered, but after about a month, I was able to get some sleep.

Mostly, I appreciated people not "hiding the booze" or making changes to their lives on account of me. I neither wanted nor expected anyone to do anything for me with regard to quitting, as it would just make me feel more guilty for putting people through more trouble. I am a fairly private person, and I didn't like people asking me how the "recovery" was going, I preferred to let people know on my own time.

For a long while, due to the lingering depression and some anxiety, I was not very sociable, and my nerves felt raw, for lack of a better word. Quite often, I absolutely had to get away from people, or I might say something I regretted, and I really appreciated some space and "alone time" to be with my thoughts.

laurie6781

Work your own program of recovery through Alanon, therapy, or whatever.

Work the program you would like to see him work.

Your actions will be the best thing you can do.

He is not going to know if he is coming or going for some time. He will be 'up' and he will be 'down.' He will probably do some raging about how unfair it is. His mind will be 'mush' for awhile, maybe a long while.

Of course "I am proud of the effort your making." Does not hurt. However, I would suggest unless he brings it up not talking about his recovery. His sponsor, when and if he acquires one, will be the one to 'walk' him through the steps and start getting a 'handle' on this thing called recovery.

You really cannot help him. This is his problem and he has to find his own solutions, to learn how to live sober, happy, joyous and free. This is his responsibility and the consequences of 'his' actions. And no he will not always be happy, however, if he 'sticks' with recovery, he will learn how to deal and walk through the 'curve balls' that life throws at us.

J M H O

Love and hugs,