Fandy

I hope you and your children find a better way to live....He sounds unbelievably selfish either sober or drunk....Hasn't completed the unemployement paperwork????? WHY THE Flock not???

not only does he not have a plan...he doesn't have a clue...or self pride in taking care of his family, not responsible enough to watch the children....these kinds of postings are very upsetting to me...(and BTW, I AM an alcoholic....I guess I am *recovering*, I stopped drinking last Febraury, had a few slips/trips, a big pity party, but decided I liked myself sober better than not).

Latte

I guess it does work for some people. It doesn't work for me. It took awhile for me to figure it out but I'm so glad I don't have to live like that any more. I'm watching it with a friend and I'm grateful I'm sober.

Eddiebuckle

I'd put money on that. Sorry you find yourself in this sitation, lemon. And while it hopefully won't come to this, you should assume that his actions will deteriorate rather than improve. It defintely sounds like he is in total denial and sliding down that slippery slope. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to get him to come to the conclusion that total abstinence is the only way out of this mess. If he's anything like I was, it will take some pretty stark consequences to get his attention. All of which would negatively impact your childrens lives, perhaps significantly so. You probably should figure out what your "plan B" is - would moving in with your parents be an option?

suki44883

If nothing else, I guess not having any money might keep him from drinking after today since you can't buy alcohol with Monopoly money...

Don't you worry. He'll find a way to get his alcohol.

dollydo

I always struggle with issues such as yours. So many women with children who are married to an alcoholic or drug addict are in your position. No money, no job, it is a sad situation. To me, it just reenforces the need for women to be more financially self sufficent.

Eddiebuckle makes a good point, what is your plan B?

I am so sorry for your circumstances, keep posting it will help.

gowest

Wow.

you cannot make him stop drinking.
You cannot make him fill out paperwork.
You cannot make him get and keep a job.
You cannot make him be a responsible father.
You cannot control anything he does however you CAN control your life.

If it was me:
I would make sure that my name was not on any of the bills so that I will not be responsible for the debt.
I would move out and live with my parents.
I would look into all options. Including going back to school, free daycare, part-time jobs, welfare and filing for Divorce before your financial problems get worse, etc
but this is just me ...

Someone only takes your control away if you let them.

I feel for you that you are in this mess.

LexieCat

Yeah, I've yet to see an alcoholic let a little thing like lack of money stop them from drinking.

Gowest has a lot of good suggestions. You are only at the mercy of this disease to the extent you allow yourself to be. I know, it isn't as easy as it sounds. Believe me, I understand you have a lot on your plate.

But if you choose to stay with him (and yes, it IS a choice--there are always options, even if they don't look so attractive at the moment, they can still be good temporary measures), your children still must be provided for. So you will have to consider getting a job, yourself, or applying for public assistance.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Absolutely NOT!! Alcoholics can not limit their drinking PERIOD! Been there and have done that with mine. It has NEVER Ever worked, although he is trying it one more time and I am saying BYE BYE. Good luck in trying to control it once again! I already know the outcome and it isn't pretty!!

Justfor1

I agree with Suki if he is an alcoholic he will find a way to get drunk. Alcohol is a cheap drug compared to the illegal ones. If he gets desperate he may turn to household items that have booze in it. So keep track of those.

Just4me

LemOnade~ So sorry to hear about your situation. It's a tough one to be in. I'm with you where I'm not ready if I want to take the next step and actually leave. Luckily though, I don't have kids to think about and I've managed to keep my finances and our bills seperate over the years. I don't know your job skills or the age of your kids, but perhaps you could find another mom who needs childcare and work on opposite days, watching each others kids for free? Just an idea. Or, a weekend/night job may work. Yes, you will be tired, but they could sleep at your parents house and you'd be out of that situation. I grew up with an alcoholic father and my mom never felt she could leave for financial reasons. When I was old enough I offered to get a job (while in high school) to help her pay for household expenses so she could leave and take us with her! She finally left him when I was 25yrs old and after initial mourning, is happy with her current life and decision that she made.

Okay, so that went way off course. Bottom line, do what you can for you and your kids. Protect what money you can, get your names off his bills, and take your parents up on whatever offers that you feel comfortable taking. Also, food stamps and other programs can help you get back onto your feet again! Give it time and you will get there eventually.

Good luck. May whatever decision you make be best for you and your little ones

Just4me

Oh, and as far as the limited drinking mine has tried it probably 6 or 7 times in the last 1 1/2 years. He thinks the can, and it lasts a week or two, and then we're right back to where we started. And he didn't drink every day, just every 2nd or 3rd day. But when he drank he'd polish off bottles of 100proof stuff in a single sitting. He tried stopping for me, for our future, for the reltaionship and it never worked. Now he's quit again, this time because he is sick of being a slave to the bottle. He says the cravings are terrible and every day is a struggle. He still says one day he'd like to be able to drink socially, but he also tells me he doesn't think he'll ever be able to drink again. Hope this helps!

lem0nade

Thank you all for your kind and wise words! It's very encouraging to come back this morning and read it all.

Yesterday went, well, fine. AH drank 2 beers and 2 mixed drinks (that I saw, anyway) over the span of about 7 hours at the BBQ. He was calm, appropriate, not out of control or obviously drunk at all. He was extra attentive to the kids and offered to help me with them numerous times (something he doesn't normally do). I think he is trying very hard to keep it together in appearances because he knows I'm very unhappy about things and wanted to appear to my family at the BBQ that he's a good guy. I know this display was probably a rare thing and can't be counted on, though.

My parents were there at the BBQ yesterday and my dad gave me $100 cash to buy food and necessities for me and the kids. AH does not know about this and I've hidden it well so he won't spend it on alcohol or whatever else he throws money away on.

Thanks again for all your comments. They truly do help!

Wendy1967

I can only tell you how it is from my own experience with my AH. We've tried everything over the years.

1. Only drink the "non-alcoholic" beer (he said that he drinks because he likes the taste but not the effect.) .....didn't work. He was keeping the NA beer in the fridge and the REAL beer in the basement.

2. Only drink on holidays/weekends/social gatherings....didn't work. EVERY DAY became a holiday/social gathering/weekend to the point where he'd call people up to come over because he NEEDED the social gathering to justify drinking. I became exhausted with the constant flow of drunks.

3. Limit the alcohol to "X" amount each day....didn't work. He would go buy his "allotted" 6 pack and then sneak away to buy the extra 12 pack he needed to get through the day.

4. Goes without alcohol for a while and then promises "I swear..THIS time will be different. I won't get out of control, I won't go on a binge, and I won't be mean..you'll see.". WRONG. One beer or a thousand...it's all the same.

5. Take over the bank account so he doesn't get control of the money....didn't work either. They will find a way to get the money that they need whether it's turning in recycling for cash or bouncing a check from the one checkbook that they stashed.

Every bit of my experience tells me that a recovering alcoholic can NEVER have another drink. Those who try to say that they will "control their drinking" are simply in denial and you're in danger of getting your heart broken again.