atdawn

Someone posted an interesting thread about relationships in general. Made me think about a few of my friends. Two people in particular who helped me when I left AH. Because they helped me I consider them close friends. As I work on my recovery I am starting to wonder if those friends are healthy for me, because they are very pushy and overbearing.

One would always ask if I had met someone new yet and would really push the topic too much, and always acted as if he knew how I should conduct my life better than I do.
This is a newlywed married to a normal person. He does not have kids and has not spent 10+ years with an alkie so how does he know better?!? The second one is a friend who has helped me a lot by looking after the kids for me on multiple occasions. She is very nice to me but I am now noticing she is very pushy to get everything the way she wants it, like everything we do together always has to be on her own terms. She occasionally says ‘I hope I’m not being too pushy’. She really triggered me today by guilting me into buying her lunch when in fact it was her turn to buy. It’s not a big deal on it’s own it’s just one thing among many small things that she has done, but that kind of made me feel I had enough.

I felt so grateful towards those people for helping me in my times of need that I would accept their behaviour. Now I think I should not. It feels a bit too much like I was with my AH: I would accept anything as long as he would not drink. It's not on the same scale of course. But I am not a doormat anymore. Not to him, not to anyone else either.

I am going to keep a bit of distance with those friends I think, and see how things evolve, and pay attention to my responses to their behavior. As I type this I am half wondering if I am being too selfish and ungrateful. But I don’t think so. I think I have been a doormat for too long and am trying to find my balance I guess.

That leaves me with one nice friend and a nice new BF ;-) That should do for now… quality, not quantity ...

m1k3

Atdawn, I think it is a sign that you are getting stronger in your recovery and you are recognizing that it isn't only A's that quack.

Your friend,

duqld1717

I also agree with quality, not quantity. So many people think that happiness is surrounding yourself with tons of people and friends (even if they are not good people) and having them validate their existence. I don't think that way. I only have 2 people that I consider true friends.

I also have had a few friends that have helped me out of sticky situations, but afterwards they go on acting pushy, self-centered, and ignorant. Later on down the road, I cut them out of my life because the bad ended up outweighing the good. I couldn't keep them in my life because they helped me out 1 time and the rest of the time they disresepected me. I am much happier now and I am free to go on to meet people that treat me with respect all the time, not just some of the time.

franie

At dawn. If you feel that a friendship is not working - then trust your feelings. It is not working. I had an abusive childhood and drank to forget but I have always attracted friends who also take advantage. I should have learnt many years ago that - if it does not feel right, it is not right. Trust your feelings on this one and stand your ground.

skippernlilg

It's good to decide your boundaries. You're allowed to re-evaluate what you're comfortable with from time to time.

I usually remember that when I feel pushed in some direction, it's usually about that other person and not entirely about me. If someone is trying to tell me to hurry up and date someone, I tell them, nicely and firmly, "I'll let you know when I'm ready." And, "I know you trust me and respect me enough to make these kinds of decisions for myself."

I have pushed upon a friend recently a little myself. I invite her all the time over to my place and provide meals and the pool for her and her three children. All. The. Time. She said she'd like to have me over to her place. I'm really really busy as a working single mom going to college (and cleaning the pool, the house, the lawn....all myself...you get it.) and have to combine my social time with regular meal times and such or I won't get everything done. I bluntly told her the other day that I would love to see her and her new place but I didn't have the luxury of just sitting around there, that I'd bring over take-out or something and get DS fed at the same time. She thinks I'm weird.

lillamy

I'm finding the same thing, that in the wake of reevaluating my marriage to an A, I'm reevaluating other relationships as I recover. I think as I offload the persona I took on in my marriage and find out what I really want, a lot of what I do is going to change, and what people I like to hang out with will as well.

And it doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with the people I choose to no longer be close friends with. Just that I've changed.

Example from my life: My AXH had this harebrained idea that it was crucial to his reputation and image that his wife be skinny and pretty. I spent an average of 2 hours/day in the gym and was on a 1,200 calorie a day diet to maintain the size 6 figure he liked. I liked working out. I made some good friends in the gym. But now, when I'm stepping back from that Forced Skinniness and aiming for a healthy-but-not-obsessive attitude to eating & exercise, I also find myself irritated at my gym friends because everything they do circles around food and exercise, and if I try to change the topic... I find we really have nothing else in common.

I think it's easy to feel that we "owe" people something because they've helped us -- because we're codependents (hopefully in recovery). But real relationships don't keep accounts on who owes who what. Real relationships aren't about power and ruling, they're about relationship.