I need to confront my friend, and I'm TERRIFIED.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I also have a bit of phobia in crowds as well so Al-anon scared me a lot too at first. Its structure was a bit odd and maybe it still is for me (sorry!!) but I took away a lot in hearing other people's stories about how they are coping and the various levels of acceptance they have. It was also nice to see a room full of people who were feeling the effects of an A in your life.
You can make it what you want is what I'm saying. I didn't participate early on, I just sat and listened. I got a scowled look from some lady because I forgot to say 'my name is babyblue' before my share. So it has its quirks but if you can get past all that, the information itself is invaluable.
At the very least go to a meeting and pick up some reading materials. That is how I eased myself into meetings. If you don't like the 'vibe' of a meeting, try going to another one. Find the right meeting for you. I found a great one that was very small, people were relaxed and very welcoming.
The first ones I went to were large and impersonal so keep going to different ones until you find one you feel comfy in.
You can make it what you want is what I'm saying. I didn't participate early on, I just sat and listened. I got a scowled look from some lady because I forgot to say 'my name is babyblue' before my share. So it has its quirks but if you can get past all that, the information itself is invaluable.
At the very least go to a meeting and pick up some reading materials. That is how I eased myself into meetings. If you don't like the 'vibe' of a meeting, try going to another one. Find the right meeting for you. I found a great one that was very small, people were relaxed and very welcoming.
The first ones I went to were large and impersonal so keep going to different ones until you find one you feel comfy in.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Saint Louis
Posts: 24
I had the same concerns for my life long friend. She always has had a problem with drinking and it has gotten worse over the years. She was a bartender and drank while on the clock and would stay out till 5am. After her 3rd drunk driving accident, all with no injuries, she slowed down a little and never drove drunk. She is married and her husband quit drinking because he did not want to enable her.
After several times of hanging out at girls night or other get togethers i began to wonder how she would get so drunk so fast. I then noticed that she always carried a water bottle. She was putting vodka in her bottles and would sneak them. I finally felt so bad for her when she passed out at her own dinner party.
I sent her an email telling her i loved her, but that she has a problem and that i cannot sit and watch her destroy herself. she was very quick to become defensive and had stopped talking to me, even dropped out of my wedding.
In the end, yes i know i did the right thing but i did not gain anything out of it. We are friends still but do not speak and only talk via text or email.
I wish you all the best.... keep us posted.
After several times of hanging out at girls night or other get togethers i began to wonder how she would get so drunk so fast. I then noticed that she always carried a water bottle. She was putting vodka in her bottles and would sneak them. I finally felt so bad for her when she passed out at her own dinner party.
I sent her an email telling her i loved her, but that she has a problem and that i cannot sit and watch her destroy herself. she was very quick to become defensive and had stopped talking to me, even dropped out of my wedding.
In the end, yes i know i did the right thing but i did not gain anything out of it. We are friends still but do not speak and only talk via text or email.
I wish you all the best.... keep us posted.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You know, you don't have to "confront" her immediately. If that feels too risky right now, what I suggest you try is to think about some boundaries you can put into place without making a big announcement. For example, you can stop serving her alcohol in your home, make the visit VERY short if she has been drinking (you can just say you'd rather see her when she hasn't been drinking), not respond to phone calls/texts when she has been drinking, etc. If she ASKS why you are behaving that way, you can simply say that you prefer her company when she hasn't been drinking, that her drinking worries you because you love her. You can say that because you DO love her, it hurts to see what she is doing to herself, and to keep yourself from being upset you find it's best to avoid being around her drinking.
That's all true, not terribly confrontational, and might be somewhat disarming. You don't have to argue with her if she tries to minimize it. You can just smile and say, "I hope you're right, but it bothers me a lot to see how you are when you drink, so I have to do this for myself right now." That's it. You don't have to tell her what she needs to do; just what YOU are going to do. Her life is her own to live as she sees fit. You don't have to be around behavior that upsets you.
That's all true, not terribly confrontational, and might be somewhat disarming. You don't have to argue with her if she tries to minimize it. You can just smile and say, "I hope you're right, but it bothers me a lot to see how you are when you drink, so I have to do this for myself right now." That's it. You don't have to tell her what she needs to do; just what YOU are going to do. Her life is her own to live as she sees fit. You don't have to be around behavior that upsets you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
You are wonderful, generous friend.
Since I'm a recovering alcoholic I can tell you a bit about how alcoholics think (if and when we do, lol). While she is active, your friend has only one real relationship -- the bottle. When drinking we are full of denial (she may even believe some of the lies she's telling you); typically after a bad drunk we'll say we'll never drink again and mean it. But it doesn't because we can't.
An alcoholic can go without alcohol but once we put a drink in our mouth, we loose control over whether it's two or 50 drinks. Non-alcoholics can decide they're only going to have one drink and do it with no problem. Alcoholics seem to lack that internal switch.
Say what you need to say for yourself, because you need to clear the air and talk about it. Take care of yourself first. An alcoholic will only stop when he/she decides to.
Thanks for posting!
Since I'm a recovering alcoholic I can tell you a bit about how alcoholics think (if and when we do, lol). While she is active, your friend has only one real relationship -- the bottle. When drinking we are full of denial (she may even believe some of the lies she's telling you); typically after a bad drunk we'll say we'll never drink again and mean it. But it doesn't because we can't.
An alcoholic can go without alcohol but once we put a drink in our mouth, we loose control over whether it's two or 50 drinks. Non-alcoholics can decide they're only going to have one drink and do it with no problem. Alcoholics seem to lack that internal switch.
Say what you need to say for yourself, because you need to clear the air and talk about it. Take care of yourself first. An alcoholic will only stop when he/she decides to.
Thanks for posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Lunakim 
After several times of hanging out at girls night or other get togethers i began to wonder how she would get so drunk so fast. I then noticed that she always carried a water bottle. She was putting vodka in her bottles and would sneak them.
I don't trust her anymore. I wish I did; I wish I could. The information I got from our mutual friends was so difficult to hear, and it verified the warning signs I had been seeing (and ignoring).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I agree with NYCdoglvr. About three weeks ago now I ended a friendship with one of my dearest friends. Perhaps ended is the wrong word, but that is how it feels and that is the reality that i am living.
For a couple of years we had an arrangement, which was "If you are drinking today I will see you tomorrow, when you are not" well that didn't work. I got sick and tired of watching him kill himself on a daily basis. It truly took a toll on my state of mind.
We no longer have any form of a relationship, but that was my choice, I stopped having cocktails with him years ago, just couldn't enjoy a glass of wine, it was like opening the floodgates. He would drink until he was bombed on his arse.
You will have to decide what is best for you, but be prepared for more lies, more bad choices, manipulation, anger, and hostility. When the booze gets ahold of their mind they are no longer the friend you once knew. It is such a sad scenerio. And there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to help them. But you don't have to subject yourself to their problem
Best of luck to you, stay strong and focused on your own life, don't let the disease suck you in
For a couple of years we had an arrangement, which was "If you are drinking today I will see you tomorrow, when you are not" well that didn't work. I got sick and tired of watching him kill himself on a daily basis. It truly took a toll on my state of mind.
We no longer have any form of a relationship, but that was my choice, I stopped having cocktails with him years ago, just couldn't enjoy a glass of wine, it was like opening the floodgates. He would drink until he was bombed on his arse.
You will have to decide what is best for you, but be prepared for more lies, more bad choices, manipulation, anger, and hostility. When the booze gets ahold of their mind they are no longer the friend you once knew. It is such a sad scenerio. And there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to help them. But you don't have to subject yourself to their problem
Best of luck to you, stay strong and focused on your own life, don't let the disease suck you in
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Since I'm a recovering alcoholic I can tell you a bit about how alcoholics think
!
!
I do have a question, though, for any recovering alcoholic who can give me some insight about this: I think that my friend is trying to hide from me how severe her drinking is... She showed up at our mutual friends' house completely plastered, when she knew I myself was not going to be there. She tells me she does not drink and drive, but tells the truth to our mutual friends. To be honest, I think I'm the only one who has EVER expressed concern to her, and I was the only one who took her seriously when she admitted to being an alcoholic a few years ago (even though I made the mistake of believing her last year when she claimed she had learned to moderate). I think this is why she is trying to maintain some amount of control when she is around me. Anyway, my question is: Is it typical that a person can be an alcoholic, yet maintain some semblance of "control" around certain people? Also, is it possible that she could be drunk around me at times, without me realizing it, if her tolerance is high enough?
Because, as I've said, I've noticed warning signs again lately, but I wasn't REALLY concerned until I learned of her behavior around our mutual friends.
I feel like such an idiot:-(
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, it sure is possible--I did it on a regular basis. I would have sufficient "control" to choose when and where I would get hammered. If it was important enough to me, I would grit my teeth and sip my ladylike two drinks, then run home and drink like I WANTED to drink.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Cerulean))) - I started lurking on SR, back when I was a crack addict, in love with the THIRD A (addict) in my life. I was drawn to the friends & family forums, really, really strongly.
I've been clean for over 4 years, but my codie recovery has had it's ups and downs. My 3rd XABF (ex addict boyfriend)? I had to leave him, essentially no contact (NC) except when he'd get locked up and we'd write back and forth..I talked about my life in recovery, how I wished he would "get it" but though he promised he would get clean, we would get married, yada, yada, he'd also ask me for money. The man had stolen from me so many times, I told him "do not ask me for money again" and didn't hear from him.
The only time I saw him was at his mom's funeral (SHE was a wonderful person who loved me dearly, and was very supportive). He died 2 years later.
I was sad, but I knew there was nothing I could have done to prevent his ending. I've BEEN there..nothing anyone said or did to me had much of an effect (except when I'd get locked up and was forced to be clean).
What got me into recovery was getting sick and tired of all the darned consequences.
I've since my clean time, dealt with people I love who are A's, or well on their way. Sometimes, I too, wonder if it isn't a bit of karma..for all the people I hurt when I was out there.
It took me a LONG time of reading/posting here, before I truly understood boundaries. Even BEING a recovering addict, it was hard to accept that I couldn't "fix" them.
The more I learned about codependency, the better MY life has become. Yes, I still have people I love who love their pills (or liquor or both) but they've learned that I will not be a part of them destroying themselves. Some of my boundaries were never even really spoken..I just left if someone was showing out. Others were simply "I'm not going to speak to you while you're in this shape". I've also had to use the same type boundaries on my dad, who is in no way, shape, or form, an A, but he has anger issues, as does my niece who we have raised (she's almost 17). My niece and stepmom have abused pills/alcohol (my niece with the alcohol). Living in a house with all of this, though I still slip, they've learned that I'm not going to enable them, I'm not going to take the brunt of anger for something else, and if someone passes out on the floor..I'll make sure they're still breathing, keep an eye on them (I was an RN before addiction ended that career) and let them lay there.
If you feel like you need to talk to your friend, then do so. I'd just like to say that if you have any expectations of it making a big difference, you are likely to be disappointed.
What has worked best for ME, is working on me, deciding what I will and will not tolerate, doing what is best for me, even when it hurts like he!!. I'm the only person I can control.
SR has been a Godsend to me. It was by reading what others went through, trying out different things, that got me to where I am today...nowhere near perfect, but a LOT better than I used to be. I know al-anon helps a LOT of people, too. I never knew why my mom went (neither she nor dad drank, except on a rare occasion)..she went with a friend who's husband was an A. I can just tell you that after she started going? There was a sense of peace in this house. I was a kid, all wrapped up in me, didn't really realize there WAS a problem, still don't know what was going on, but I saw the effects and they were amazing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I've been clean for over 4 years, but my codie recovery has had it's ups and downs. My 3rd XABF (ex addict boyfriend)? I had to leave him, essentially no contact (NC) except when he'd get locked up and we'd write back and forth..I talked about my life in recovery, how I wished he would "get it" but though he promised he would get clean, we would get married, yada, yada, he'd also ask me for money. The man had stolen from me so many times, I told him "do not ask me for money again" and didn't hear from him.
The only time I saw him was at his mom's funeral (SHE was a wonderful person who loved me dearly, and was very supportive). He died 2 years later.
I was sad, but I knew there was nothing I could have done to prevent his ending. I've BEEN there..nothing anyone said or did to me had much of an effect (except when I'd get locked up and was forced to be clean).
What got me into recovery was getting sick and tired of all the darned consequences.
I've since my clean time, dealt with people I love who are A's, or well on their way. Sometimes, I too, wonder if it isn't a bit of karma..for all the people I hurt when I was out there.
It took me a LONG time of reading/posting here, before I truly understood boundaries. Even BEING a recovering addict, it was hard to accept that I couldn't "fix" them.
The more I learned about codependency, the better MY life has become. Yes, I still have people I love who love their pills (or liquor or both) but they've learned that I will not be a part of them destroying themselves. Some of my boundaries were never even really spoken..I just left if someone was showing out. Others were simply "I'm not going to speak to you while you're in this shape". I've also had to use the same type boundaries on my dad, who is in no way, shape, or form, an A, but he has anger issues, as does my niece who we have raised (she's almost 17). My niece and stepmom have abused pills/alcohol (my niece with the alcohol). Living in a house with all of this, though I still slip, they've learned that I'm not going to enable them, I'm not going to take the brunt of anger for something else, and if someone passes out on the floor..I'll make sure they're still breathing, keep an eye on them (I was an RN before addiction ended that career) and let them lay there.
If you feel like you need to talk to your friend, then do so. I'd just like to say that if you have any expectations of it making a big difference, you are likely to be disappointed.
What has worked best for ME, is working on me, deciding what I will and will not tolerate, doing what is best for me, even when it hurts like he!!. I'm the only person I can control.
SR has been a Godsend to me. It was by reading what others went through, trying out different things, that got me to where I am today...nowhere near perfect, but a LOT better than I used to be. I know al-anon helps a LOT of people, too. I never knew why my mom went (neither she nor dad drank, except on a rare occasion)..she went with a friend who's husband was an A. I can just tell you that after she started going? There was a sense of peace in this house. I was a kid, all wrapped up in me, didn't really realize there WAS a problem, still don't know what was going on, but I saw the effects and they were amazing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Saint Louis
Posts: 24
well honey... we are all here for you.
You just need to step back and distant yourself. It is going to hurt but it is for the better. You have your own life to worry about. If she wants to continue down her path, let her go alone.
You just need to step back and distant yourself. It is going to hurt but it is for the better. You have your own life to worry about. If she wants to continue down her path, let her go alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 86
Originally Posted by Babyblue
I also have a bit of phobia in crowds as well so Al-anon scared me a lot too at first. Its structure was a bit odd and maybe it still is for me (sorry!!) but I took away a lot in hearing other people's stories about how they are coping and the various levels of acceptance they have. It was also nice to see a room full of people who were feeling the effects of an A in your life.
You can make it what you want is what I'm saying. I didn't participate early on, I just sat and listened. I got a scowled look from some lady because I forgot to say 'my name is babyblue' before my share. So it has its quirks but if you can get past all that, the information itself is invaluable.
At the very least go to a meeting and pick up some reading materials. That is how I eased myself into meetings. If you don't like the 'vibe' of a meeting, try going to another one. Find the right meeting for you. I found a great one that was very small, people were relaxed and very welcoming.
The first ones I went to were large and impersonal so keep going to different ones until you find one you feel comfy in.
You can make it what you want is what I'm saying. I didn't participate early on, I just sat and listened. I got a scowled look from some lady because I forgot to say 'my name is babyblue' before my share. So it has its quirks but if you can get past all that, the information itself is invaluable.
At the very least go to a meeting and pick up some reading materials. That is how I eased myself into meetings. If you don't like the 'vibe' of a meeting, try going to another one. Find the right meeting for you. I found a great one that was very small, people were relaxed and very welcoming.
The first ones I went to were large and impersonal so keep going to different ones until you find one you feel comfy in.
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