Missymum

Sorry I've been having technical issues.

suki44883

I can see you!

Missymum

So as a beginner detached I think I am starting to get it. The little bit of success I have had has provided tremendous relief and allowed me to proceed with my life. For a few days it even seemed to impact my dry AH and he seemed a bit better and even spoke to me without growling or yelling. Last night though I got blasted by him again and it threw me off. A run and lots of deep breathes helped but I have a question: when he blasts me like that usually the stuff he is accusing me of are way off base, or at best wildly exaggerated. Do I correct him? Or do I just let it go?*Lately i've just been following my gut and letting it go.

Missymum

To correct him would be to engage and be hooked in and escalate the argument. If I walk away or let it go then he is left with the mess himself. Also, I don't get worked up and say mean things just because I'm hurt and upset.But I can't help thinking that if I don't counter him, then he thinks He's right and I agree on some level. Or at least he goes on believing his crazy positions and judgements. On the other hand, will anything I say change that?*Help - are my instincts right on this? I.e. Letting it go? Are there times one should counter back and correct unjust judgments? If so, how do you know? Can I counter him and remain detached? Not yet, if I ever will.

suki44883

If it were me, I'd let it go. They quack about all sorts of goofy stuff. There is no benefit to getting into a debate with them. That isn't what detachment is about anyway. He's going to think whatever he thinks regardless of what you might say, even if, deep down, he knows he's full of shite. Your gut is telling you the right thing. Let it go.

jamaicamecrazy

Good for you. The minute I decided I was not going to engage in m AH's anger, my life got better. It was futile and frustrating trying to convince him otherwise. Good phrases to remember-"I'm sorry you feel that way."

m1k3

Hi Missy and welcome! While we are all involved one way or another with an A and share many common experiences we all have our own paths to follow.

For me, I could not achieve any sort of detachment until I moved out. My codie was much too strong. I could not begin to heal until physical separation and no contact.

You will have to pick the path that works for you. There are no easy answers but there is lots of support to be found here and at al-anon. Only you can determine what is right for you.

BTW, focus on YOUR mental health and well being. You can not be responsible for anyone else.

Your friend,

Missymum

I love that phrase....I will use it. Right now the mental picture of him red in the face mid rant and me saying it to home is making me laugh laugh laugh! I might have to stifle a giggle next time the opportunity arises...or maybe just nod and walk away before he sees my grin.

kittykitty

It takes two people to have a conversation. The things they throw at you, it's like bait... they hope you will take it, and start an arguement, so they can unleash on you. Don't fall for it.

In the south, they say "well, isn't that special" and "bless your little heart". I would translate what those phrases mean, but I think i would get censored. You get the idea. I've found that the less of a reaction I give them, the shorter the conversation is, and the quicker I can get back to doing my own thing.

forgotten1

last weekend, i had an encounter with my xAbf. it came after 5 months of no contact. and he was in the same place as when i left, and at one point he was baiting me to engage in a "battle"--he STARTED hinting at "bad" qualities of mine (that are no where even true), using the same old tactics. after five months he was still trying to bring things up!

my response and ONLY response to him was "i am not engaging in a fight. you have your thoughts and it's ok. i will not fight against what you think of me." he shut up. for a whole 24 hours (whereas, im sure, prior... he'd have kept baiting). the next day he texted me half-ass apologizing and saying "i dont think anything bad of you". i didn't respond, and i wont.

point being is I FEEL GREAT! also, if you leave them be... the truth will win out. those mean attacks are just survival mode punches [to keep their delusions alive] - when they feel locked in a corner with REALITY staring them in the face. when waters calm and they don't feel locked in a corner--the truth version of you seeps in (a little).

somehow they have to convince themselves it's our fault otherwise they'd have to look at themselves in the mirror

Tuffgirl

Here's what has been working for me:

At the very moment I feel emotional about something - be it indignant and angry, hurt, injustice, whatever - I stop and ask "do I want peace or do I want to be right?"

At first, the need to "be right" was over whelming. Like a bad habit - it takes a while to get out of justification mode. My RAH can really quack with the best of them, and he is really working his AA program...it just isn't completely clicking yet and old habits die hard. When I began to realize I don't need him to validate my truth or my reality and I really don't appreciate him defining me with his whacked perceptions, I have been able to let go of the need to "correct" and instead choose peace.

Tis a much better place to live these days!

LexieCat

Yup, it's the wounded pride. Ego. We all got one, even those of us with the lowest of self-esteem.

Rarely is it worth the energy to prove we are right. It doesn't help anything substantive, and the momentary glow of being "right" isn't going to carry us too far.

It IS a habit that it's possible to break. Not that most of us don't slip now and then but it's a big part of letting go, and it does come more easily with practice.

Missymum

Thanks so much! It's nice to know that inner voice is still wormy listening to...not that I've listened (or heard) much of it for a long long time. And yes, I agree that the feelings of self righteous indignation are a good clue that it's time to back away. Very compelling sometimes though and I can let it rip right back if I get wound up enough. Thankfully i haven't completely lost it for a few months. But mostly because I've been too tired to bother. Now that I'm getting a bit more rest I will have to be vigilant.

Thank you all for your perspectives and feedback. It has helped me find clarity on this issue.

Tuffgirl

Missy, if you haven't lost it in a few months than you are doing AWESOME! I believe I posted here last week that I lost it...again...fell off the codie wagon. I was brutal...had to actually apologize for my anger.

Oh well...progress...not perfection!