Guess I am just pissy...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm sort of responding to the OP and sort of talking to newcomers here.
When I first came to SR I knew I was done. I had known *I* was done for a long long time. I had actually already filed for divorce.
I was not complaining in real life because I did not have real life people to talk to. I was very isolated.
Some of my core values is that kids need both parents. You get married once and you work to stay married. Happiness isn't really necessary. You make a choice, you live with it. These were like tapes in my head, played all the time. I also did not have a childhood that I could hold up and use as a model of what was right. It was not a terrible childhood by any means, but it was not a good point of reference for what a healthy relationship or family looks like.
Over the years I had many tapes I played in my head. In time they changed a little. I would not let loose of my core values above so I played tapes that said "I have children with this man, I am making a choice to stay with him, I will accept that and BE HAPPY about that. I will MAKE it work." Lots of tapes that ingrained in me ideals that did not work with the reality of my life. So I had the reality that I tried to manage, and a fantasy in my head that I lived 'for' because I couldn't make it work any other way. If you asked me what my life was like I'd have two completely different sets of answers depending on if you asked me what I actually did during my day and the 'vision' I had of my family.
All this time life was getting more and more unmanageably. I denied and ignored more and more things that I knew were not right. The tapes shushed the voice inside me that was trying to tell me this was unacceptable.
So I stayed in that marriage 'by choice' for years after I was 'done'. I had four small children. I felt like if I left I would be throwing them under the bus to save myself. I actually still felt like that when I filed for divorce. I felt like I had to leave or lose my mind entirely but you see - that is such a rock bottom place for a mother to be. My children were not abused by their father so it took a bit of recovery for me to really see and understand the negative impacts of an alcoholic parent and the family dynamic. I knew that without the family unit their father would not step up and I wanted to protect them from that.
I came to SR extremely confused. The above it just my stuff. It doesn't even count the emotional manipulation by my ah, and the blanket of fear that lay over me all the time. My thinking was not clear. I didn't trust my gut feelings, my thoughts. I didn't know *how* to focus on myself. I could not even identify my basic needs. I couldn't find my inner voice and if I did, I didn't trust it. I did not trust my perceptions of my reality. I still go back and read my first threads here. Some were whining for sure but the responses (all varieties - some comforting, some sharing, some with hard line facts etc.) were ALL extremely valuable to me. They validated me. They educated me. They slowly but surely cleared my thinking.
I do not feel stronger for having chosen to stay, and live quietly with my choice, for so long. That nearly destroyed me. I do not feel stronger for having finally separated.
I do feel stronger for having lived through it. I feel stronger because I am choosing to walk a path that will lead to healthier ways of living with people. I pray that I will give my children better skills to take into adulthood with them and my quest for that helps me feel stronger.
Each person on this board is stepping onto the path of recovery. It doesn't matter if you run down it full speed or walk slowly and linger at certain points. What matters is that you keep walking.
When I first came to SR I knew I was done. I had known *I* was done for a long long time. I had actually already filed for divorce.
I was not complaining in real life because I did not have real life people to talk to. I was very isolated.
Some of my core values is that kids need both parents. You get married once and you work to stay married. Happiness isn't really necessary. You make a choice, you live with it. These were like tapes in my head, played all the time. I also did not have a childhood that I could hold up and use as a model of what was right. It was not a terrible childhood by any means, but it was not a good point of reference for what a healthy relationship or family looks like.
Over the years I had many tapes I played in my head. In time they changed a little. I would not let loose of my core values above so I played tapes that said "I have children with this man, I am making a choice to stay with him, I will accept that and BE HAPPY about that. I will MAKE it work." Lots of tapes that ingrained in me ideals that did not work with the reality of my life. So I had the reality that I tried to manage, and a fantasy in my head that I lived 'for' because I couldn't make it work any other way. If you asked me what my life was like I'd have two completely different sets of answers depending on if you asked me what I actually did during my day and the 'vision' I had of my family.
All this time life was getting more and more unmanageably. I denied and ignored more and more things that I knew were not right. The tapes shushed the voice inside me that was trying to tell me this was unacceptable.
So I stayed in that marriage 'by choice' for years after I was 'done'. I had four small children. I felt like if I left I would be throwing them under the bus to save myself. I actually still felt like that when I filed for divorce. I felt like I had to leave or lose my mind entirely but you see - that is such a rock bottom place for a mother to be. My children were not abused by their father so it took a bit of recovery for me to really see and understand the negative impacts of an alcoholic parent and the family dynamic. I knew that without the family unit their father would not step up and I wanted to protect them from that.
I came to SR extremely confused. The above it just my stuff. It doesn't even count the emotional manipulation by my ah, and the blanket of fear that lay over me all the time. My thinking was not clear. I didn't trust my gut feelings, my thoughts. I didn't know *how* to focus on myself. I could not even identify my basic needs. I couldn't find my inner voice and if I did, I didn't trust it. I did not trust my perceptions of my reality. I still go back and read my first threads here. Some were whining for sure but the responses (all varieties - some comforting, some sharing, some with hard line facts etc.) were ALL extremely valuable to me. They validated me. They educated me. They slowly but surely cleared my thinking.
I do not feel stronger for having chosen to stay, and live quietly with my choice, for so long. That nearly destroyed me. I do not feel stronger for having finally separated.
I do feel stronger for having lived through it. I feel stronger because I am choosing to walk a path that will lead to healthier ways of living with people. I pray that I will give my children better skills to take into adulthood with them and my quest for that helps me feel stronger.
Each person on this board is stepping onto the path of recovery. It doesn't matter if you run down it full speed or walk slowly and linger at certain points. What matters is that you keep walking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
Originally Posted by lillamy 
I think, largely, once we get to that point -- we don't need the help as badly and we're out DOING instead of talking about it. 
Spent the weekend on the water in the hot lake sun.
I am home now.
Nothing changes a person like doing.
Laying in the hot sun, (burned a bit) jumping in the cool water, cooking over a campfire, eating great food, drinking an ice cold ****, and hanging out with friends and family.
I love it!
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