Babyblue

No it is not your fault AT ALL. It is his inability handle his anger. And what he is doing is called deflecting responsibility as Dollydo says. You pointed something out that reminds him of what a f**ck up he is so rather than think about that, he tossed it back to you.

Never take the blame for someone else's faults. We as adults make choices every moment of the day and some of us do it without punching walls, people, animals, etc.

m1k3

And no,he is not even a little right. You own no part of his actions or thoughts. He is not strong enough to assume responsibility for himself and he is trying to con you into assuming responsibility for him, just like you used to do in your codie days.

You have grown beyond that. Sometimes we all need a reminder that those days are in our past.

Your friend,

Pelican

I recommend honesty with your landlord.

Let him/her know about the holes. Offer to pay for the materials and labor for the repair.

Continue taking care of yourself, one step at a time! You are worth the effort.

forgotten1

THANK YOU everyone for you input. i volunteered to work last night and relaxed today to refocus on my move and what i'm leading my life toward...

and 'lo and behold i hear from the ex AGAIN today. this time, explaining for his responses yesterday... saying "he just felt attacked when i was mentioning the bills"; but that he doesn't think anything bad of me... blah.

do i need to respond to this? it's like he shows me he has INSIGHT... and he not continuing on an angry tirade all day yesterday is actually a little progress--so i can see that he's somewhat at least recognizing when he's getting in a mood and learning to step away (for a 24 hour period). im sure it helped when i didn't engage in a fight when he began an initial attack.

it's weird i don't even know HOW to respond. i feel like i cant be like "im sorry i made you feel attacked" coz im afraid he's going to take my apology and run with it and use it as an admission of guilt for everything to blame.

if i say "thank you"--im afraid he'd misinterpret it into sarcasm... i dunno im sure im thinking too much... but well, our relationship ended in a place where there was NOTHING i could say that didn't incite anger so im afraid to speak.

i like that this is showing SLIGHT progress, and i'd like to reciprocate but i just dont know how

suki44883

I wouldn't respond. In fact, I'd block his number from your phone. You don't need to rehash all the same old crap again. Let it be. Go on with your great plans for a new life and just let this go.

LaPinturaBella

Take it for the little bit of insight it is...and move forward. It doesn't require a thank you or anything else. And responding is just prolonging the contact. You are almost on to the next phase of your life, concentrate on that.

Pelican

Sometimes the best response is NO Response.

He explained his behavior. Period.

He does not need your approval for showing progress of any measure. He felt attacked for bringing up bills that are his responsibility? That is denial.
He has had 5 months to make restitution for his destruction of your personal space. He has no plans to own up to his deeds.

Seems he has more work to do on his side of the street.

Do you really want to engage in conversation that leaves you second guessing how it was received? Having to explain what you meant?

Keep taking care of yourself.

forgotten1

gosh, pelican, you are SO right! i was so focused at the SLIGHT progress he made in controlling his anger that i forgot the big picture that really--his message is still DENYING any responsibility!

thanks! yeah, i didn't respond--i dont really want to sit around wondering if it was received in the way i had intended... and it's always going to be a hit or miss depending on if... he woke up on the right side of the bed that day.