MeredithD1

My AH had a traumatic head injury when he was 16. He's 48 now.

He is in recovery for a meth addiction that lasted 8 months, after he was in rehab, before I met him (we met 14 years ago; he had been in recovery 2 years when we met).

Nine years ago, he began a course of psychiatric medication. The doctors believe his neurotransmitter imbalances were due to the head injury. I think that is true and I also think being an A contributed to his need to start the medication. After reading all the signs of alcoholism from all of you in here, I see that he exhibited many of these behaviors, prior to the medication, that he has not exhibited since. The issues of temper subsided. The negativity directed at me subsided.

He has continued drinking about 3-4x a week, with periods of up to 2 months, over the past 9 years, of being dry.

He is now of the opinion that "If only I could get off these meds, then I would not need alcohol to try and feel better. If only I could get off these meds, then I could stop being so numb and find my motivation again."

I'm looking at this, hearing this, and in light of all I have learned in Al-Anon, I'm seeing that he's looking for a way to ...how shall I say ...feel medicated in a "high and happy" way, by giving up medication, and either:

1) thinking he can "kick" alcohol after he gets off the meds (He was alcoholic BEFORE he was on the meds, so I completely disagree - at this point, I am making no statements to him, not trying to get him to do anything - I'm just listening to him)

2) thinking he'll stop drinking and wean off of the meds and then he won't want to drink (which I also do not think this is realistic.)

He's not had health insurance since 2009 when his boss closed down the company he was working for; he has a part-time job now that the company owner feels will be going full-time soon - he's in the construction trades - electrician - and that kind of work has been hard to come by in this economy, but he is doing well now and his boss is a great guy

He is in outpatient rehab for A and attending AA meetings every day, while still drinking

But he does not have a physician who would take him through the medication weaning process - does not have anyone he is even consulting about his meds - is on the medication assistance program with the three providers (Risperdal, Zoloft and Strattera) and was able to get a prescription from the psychiatric nurse he was seeing prior to our inability to afford the appointments, has been on the medication assistance program for over a year now

Yes, I am seeing danger signs. No, I'm not arguing with him or even giving him my opinion right now because I do not feel it would do any good. This subject of him wanting to quit his meds came up about four days ago.

He has been saying and doing things, in these past four days, to try and "sell me" on "backing him up" on giving up his meds. I'm just remaining neutral in our conversations. It's the best thing I can do for myself.

I'm doing my best to focus on myself, to take care of myself, to make sure my Plan B is in place if I need to leave; I have a friend who is a mediator who is talking with me for free because he is my friend, and he is being great throughout this. He's worked with several A's and spouses of A's, and this is helping me.

I'm having a little bit of a challenge regarding my own focus. Thoughts of this situation come up, and I'm trying to just get on with what I am doing for myself and my life - it's hard to not have it cross my mind. I just don't want it to take over my thinking 24/7.

Thanks for hearing me.

barb dwyer

Hi Meredith -

I don't know what it is -
but nearly EVERYONE I know
who's been placed on long term meds like this
almost ALWAYS think they can 'come off' them.

I don't have any answers.
Just something I've seen in my own experience.

They get meds to feel better
the meds help them
(as per designed to do)
then they go OFF the meds
and think they'll be okay.

When they were NOT okay BEFORE the meds.

A conundrum for sure.

It's the equivalent of saying

Well I have diabetes
now I have medication.
I didn't have diabetes
before I started taking the medication
therefore
if I quit taking the medication
I will no longer HAVE diabetes.

It's the same logic, IMO.

I don't get it either.

Sylvie66

Funny, I was thinking about this kind of thing this morning.

AAM: My first husband had a traumatic brain injury when we'd been married 7 months... the changes in him ultimately led to a divorce. My 3rd husband (I know, I skipped one) wouldn't get help for bipolar disorder... which led to divorce. I have a fairly serious sleep disorder, and take medicine that controls it, mostly. My ABF doesn't see that he even has a health problem, so it's hard to convince him that a doctor would do him any good.Though he's suggested another trip to the neurologist for me...

It sounds like you really need a way to cope with your husbands' lack of medical attention. Are you willing to support him without him seeing a doctor? Is this a dealbreaker? (Obviously, it is for me.) But if it's not, what are your boundaries around this whole issue? What kind of partnership do you have and want? What are you doing to take care of yourself emotionally?

These are hard questions, and it took me years and years to come up with them. I'm still working on the answers.

- Sylvie

lillamy

I guess I kind of got stuck here:
Why? Who's paying for his rehab? And why? Since he's clearly not serious about it?

NYCDoglvr

I think it's very important to follow doctor's instructions, especially when it comes to anti-depressant medication. These are major medications and you do not want to take risks. What about medicaid? Social Security disability? Have you called social services to see what's available?

BTW, he doesn't have to drink. Not because of meds, not without them. I suggest going to an AA meeting to get help ...

MeredithD1

thank you, Barb and Sylvie.

Barb - Yes, that sums it up for me too! The big "???"

Sylvie, One of my husband's sisters (he has 4; 3 older, 1 younger, and no brothers) divorced her husband when he would not follow the doctor's orders for bipolar - he was diagnosed 18 years into their 19-year marriage, so my AH and I have seen that with front-row seats. The ex-BIL and I still talk - he watched my AH grow up, knew him well both before and after the head injury, has been an excellent provider of information, and still isn't managing his bipolar very well/following the doctor's orders

And - - great questions - thanks for them - they are helping me to sort this out - I already had answers for some, and others needed more defining. So here goes:

I won't support him getting off meds unless he does it under medical supervision.

My inlaws would probably be willing to take care of an appointment. They also do not think it would be a good idea for him to get off of the meds; they've seen him "before" and "after," too.

My AH thinking that getting off meds is an answer to his motivation is not rational thinking, IMHO, and there is more than one dealbreaker for me -

if he decides all by himself to get off of them and the behaviors/acting out that I suspect will result - if it happens that way, I believe I have to get myself to safety. Deal breaker.

If he gets a DUI, I will not bail him out (neither will my inlaws) and that will be a deal breaker.

If he gets arrested for stealing, we will not bail him out and that will be a deal breaker.

If he gets violent with me, that will be a deal breaker.

My boundaries are that he seeks medical attention before making any decisions, and that the attention come from someone who knows his history or will look at his history before seeing him (he would have to make the history available if it is a new psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse).

The partnership we have: We love each other, we work well together as a team most of the time, we make big decisions together except for his decision to drink.

I'd prefer a relationship where he puts our marriage before wine.

To take care of myself emotionally,

I attend Al-Anon daily,

I make sure my Big 5 are taken care of daily (enough sleep, enough water, enough nutrition, enough time alone to meditate, enough exercise),

I talk to someone who loves me who I love every day (other than my AH),

I do something I love every day

MeredithD1

He's being funded through the nonprofit of the rehab because he/we financially qualify. I think he expects it will work itself, instead of him having to work with it. He brings home all the stuff, from AA and from rehab, and he doesn't look at it again after the meetings.

LaPinturaBella

Unfortunately, this being "cured" and wanting to go off the meds is classic for people with depression, bi-polar, schizophrenia... Perhaps the best tact to take is you will support him going off his meds ONLY if a) the doctor gives him permission to do so and b) it is then medically supervised. The doctor may be able to reach him as to why this is a bad plan.

MeredithD1

I think it's important to follow dr's orders, too!!! For sure "I" don't want to take risks.

He has had enough employment in his life to not qualify for medicaid, and no one would put him on SSDI or call him "disabled" until he has had at least a month without alcohol so that the neurological tests will be accurate. Once the state continuation plan and the portability plan (like COBRA for employers who had fewer than 20 employees) were over with for the "discounted" part, the insurance premiums would have risen to $500 a month, which we did not have and could not afford, so that is when he got on the assisted medication program, gets the meds from the brand-name manufacturers for free

I am fully aware he doesn't HAVE to drink and so is he; he lets his addictive personality do the talking (quacking) there. He goes to AA meetings every day. I do Al-Anon every day. The solution isn't going to meetings. The solution - or lack thereof - is what he does with the meetings and rehab that he goes to.

And that's not up to me. (didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it)

MeredithD1

I SO hear you on this one, and am in complete agreement.

barb dwyer

Not to preach to the choir (chior?) (kwire) singers
because I know you already know this -
but in caseyou needed to hear from another source -


the only med he needs to get off of is alcohol.

That's sad when they expect it to be done FOR them.

And it doesn't work.
Well - if they're in PRISON
it works until they get out.

kittykitty

This really triggers me. That funding should be going toward someone who really wants to get better, not someone who is abusing the system. He's not even trying. I bet there are other people out there that really want help, and can't afford it. He's stealing from them, and the nonprofit sector of the rehab.

If he can afford to drink 3 times a week, he should be able to afford rehab.

I don't care what meds he's on, or how much he drinks. That's just wrong.

MeredithD1

I'm sorry you see it that way KK. Just kinda feels like you slapped ME in the face

You know nothing of OUR financial circumstances.

He moved here for my career and then I became disabled. He left a great job to further my career - not just once, but twice.

you know, I come in here and open up with some trust here and this makes it feel like it was a mistake.

by the way he CAN't afford to drink 3x a week.

skippernlilg

For some reason, this upset you. I read it more as a reality check.

I remember ABF telling me he couldn't get me a birthday card (just a card) last year because he couldn't afford it. Well, he could somehow come up with the means to have liquor in the house every day.

That's how I read Kitty's post, that the reality of this is that your AH is very resourceful in getting his DOC, but is very far into his addiction , so far in fact, that he is not able to provide basic medical care for himself. I don't think that is a reflection on YOUR income/expenses at all. I think that's a good point to remember, that he has found a way for his DOC, but not a solution to his obvious medical issue.

I hope that helps you on perspective. I also think your focus on YOU is very important here. You can work on your program at your daily Al-anon meetings and not worry so much about 'his side of the street' unless it infringes upon your boundaries. A tangible Safety Plan is essential in your situation.

MeredithD1

He steals the wine because he doesn't have the money to pay for it. He has been caught. I have spoken of this in other posts on this board.

I don't expect everyone to keep up with everything that any one person on this board says.

But coming to conclusions and then making judgments about alcoholics without all of the information, and without heed to the many things that Al Anon tells us about making judgments, upset me.

You seemed to need the reason explained to you, and while I did not have to explain it to you, I chose to.

The reason why the post upset me is because assumptions were made, and judgments were made upon the assumptions. She assumed he didn't care if he got better or not, she assumed he was abusing the system -

The nonprofit is aware that he is still drinking and they are aware that he has stolen and still steals those mini wine bottles. THEY are working with him on this. THEY care about his recovery. THEY believe he cares about his recovery.

It's been talked about on this board how alcoholics go to AA meetings when drunk and are not judged by other A's. This would fall in that same area - the rehab is not going to judge him because he is drinking and they are not going to judge his method of acquiring the alcohol - since it is part of the same disease that they are there to treat.

I do have a plan B and I do take care of myself. The reason why I wrote this topic in the first place is because I could see that his desire to get off his meds, and his thinking that it would help him quit alcohol, is illogical and I just wanted to VENT. A friend of mine said she read this post as "WTF" not asking for help. That's pretty much it...

MeredithD1

One other thing - he has been VERY lucky that alcohol has not interfered with employment.

He lost his job in 2009 because the company closed down due to the economy. He lost his health insurance months later after the "COBRA-like" insurance expired and we could not afford the premiums. He is in the trades and there were no positions. Many are in his same position in our area. He has had two part-time jobs but we still cannot afford the premiums. He is in his second part-time job now. The boss is VERY happy with his work and is exploring more work so that he can be full time. The boss/owner and my husband are the only two employees of the company. He chose my husband out of 120 applicants. Insurance will not follow until my husband is full time.

I'm on Medicare.

skippernlilg

I'm very confused.

I thought "WTF" means "What the F---?" or in other words, "What does this mean? or "I don't understand".

So, you're just venting? Is there some way we can 'vent' here and then block any replies or comments so that a board full of Codies won't try to help?

I am glad to know you are reaching out for what you need for help and perhaps drawing boundaries where you need them.

MeredithD1

LMFAO!! Thank you for that