Do I keep helping or not?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2
Do I keep helping or not?
Well I dont know what to do. Im sure you guys hear everyones sob stories. I'm just looking for some advice from people who have been there.
I've got to be the biggest codependent on the planet earth. I support this woman and her children while she is basicaly drinking her life away. We dated for a short time and then were roommates after that. She was my best friend and I grew to be like an uncle for her kids with no dad. They are all very close to my heart because I used to be a criminal. My codependency I believe is what changed my life. I felt like I had responsibilities blah blah but I got my stuff in order and now I make a lot of money doing things the right way.
Well I left the house but continue to "help" this woman out. After multiple DUI's she can no longer work in bars or restaurants. She works at a small mom n pop place that doesn't pay any real money. Her drinking has landed her in DUI Court. Shes been in it 3 months and is still screwing up. She forges her signatures for AA. and has been caught drinking twice. I got a call tonight that she was drunk and sure enough she was. Told me it was ok because she didn't have to go to court and she'd be clear before they pee test her sometime later this week. I'm F'n furious but I know better than argue when shes drunk so Ill wait till tomorrow.
On one hand i'm moving on with my life. I love her and her kids and try to help. Told her once she got through the program she'd have to take care of herself. She doesn't drink 24/7 like she used to. She is a much better person these last 3 months. She truly seems happier and "better". If I don't help her with the rent she'll have to move in with her parents. They aren't gonna help... she lived with them years ago and was a raging alcoholic.
On the other hand I wonder if I'm just helping her screw up. She doesn't make any real money but all she has to pay for is food, gas, dui court fee's. I mean what the hell am I doing trying to help her if she wont take this stuff serious? I know she's got an addiction but maybe she just needs to go down the drain instead of slowly circling it. Great smart woman but she's starting to seem like a ******.
She seems perfectly fine 90 percent of the time nowadays. But its like she thinks she can cheat when she "might" get caught. Hell its only been three months and shes been caught 3 times by the court. I've caught her another 3 or 4 times.
So do I continue to pay the bills or boot her ass out? I've got this sick feeling in my stomach if I do she's gonna go down the toilet. I don't want that on me. I love her and her kids. I admit it. I'm greedy and selfish and I don't want any part in them doin bad. She hasn't been this sober in the last 8 years. I just wonder if its all for nothing. She is obviously only good part of the time because she has to be . . . but she can't even keep it under control for that all the time.
I've got to be the biggest codependent on the planet earth. I support this woman and her children while she is basicaly drinking her life away. We dated for a short time and then were roommates after that. She was my best friend and I grew to be like an uncle for her kids with no dad. They are all very close to my heart because I used to be a criminal. My codependency I believe is what changed my life. I felt like I had responsibilities blah blah but I got my stuff in order and now I make a lot of money doing things the right way.
Well I left the house but continue to "help" this woman out. After multiple DUI's she can no longer work in bars or restaurants. She works at a small mom n pop place that doesn't pay any real money. Her drinking has landed her in DUI Court. Shes been in it 3 months and is still screwing up. She forges her signatures for AA. and has been caught drinking twice. I got a call tonight that she was drunk and sure enough she was. Told me it was ok because she didn't have to go to court and she'd be clear before they pee test her sometime later this week. I'm F'n furious but I know better than argue when shes drunk so Ill wait till tomorrow.
On one hand i'm moving on with my life. I love her and her kids and try to help. Told her once she got through the program she'd have to take care of herself. She doesn't drink 24/7 like she used to. She is a much better person these last 3 months. She truly seems happier and "better". If I don't help her with the rent she'll have to move in with her parents. They aren't gonna help... she lived with them years ago and was a raging alcoholic.
On the other hand I wonder if I'm just helping her screw up. She doesn't make any real money but all she has to pay for is food, gas, dui court fee's. I mean what the hell am I doing trying to help her if she wont take this stuff serious? I know she's got an addiction but maybe she just needs to go down the drain instead of slowly circling it. Great smart woman but she's starting to seem like a ******.
She seems perfectly fine 90 percent of the time nowadays. But its like she thinks she can cheat when she "might" get caught. Hell its only been three months and shes been caught 3 times by the court. I've caught her another 3 or 4 times.
So do I continue to pay the bills or boot her ass out? I've got this sick feeling in my stomach if I do she's gonna go down the toilet. I don't want that on me. I love her and her kids. I admit it. I'm greedy and selfish and I don't want any part in them doin bad. She hasn't been this sober in the last 8 years. I just wonder if its all for nothing. She is obviously only good part of the time because she has to be . . . but she can't even keep it under control for that all the time.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Welcome to SR! You'll find a lot of support here. I hope you'll take the time to read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of useful information there.
It's obvious that this woman has no intention of quitting drinking or taking any kind of recovery seriously. It's sad to watch people we care about making such destructive decisions, but, she is an adult and no one can force her to take measures to help herself. At this point, all you have been doing is keeping her from facing the full consequences of her bad choices. As long as you are there to pick up the pieces, pay her bills, etc., she isn't going to make any attempts to get better. Why should she?
Whether or not she "goes down the toilet" is NOT on you, it is on HER. She is a grown woman and it's time she started acting like one.
It's obvious that this woman has no intention of quitting drinking or taking any kind of recovery seriously. It's sad to watch people we care about making such destructive decisions, but, she is an adult and no one can force her to take measures to help herself. At this point, all you have been doing is keeping her from facing the full consequences of her bad choices. As long as you are there to pick up the pieces, pay her bills, etc., she isn't going to make any attempts to get better. Why should she?
Whether or not she "goes down the toilet" is NOT on you, it is on HER. She is a grown woman and it's time she started acting like one.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: SE United States
Posts: 39
Welcome! You will find so many wise and kind people here at SR. It sounds like you have overcome a great deal of your own troubles and have come a long way in recovery from your own issues. Your friend needs to have the same chance: to hit her bottom if that is what is necessary (and that may unfortunately be the jail time) for her to get better. Picking up the pieces for her and preventing her from feeling the consequences of her own actions will not help her, and will likely make you feel out of control. That has been my experience, anyway. My AH does better for himself when others let him pick up his own pieces.
Some words of wisdom from others wiser than me, that have helped me immensely at SR and at Al-Anon:
Please remember that alcoholism is a disease that you
1)Did not Cause
2)Cannot Controland
3)Cannot Cure.
These things are all the alcoholic is responsible for. (people will refer to these as the three C's.)
Also, when given advice, it is recommended to take what you like and leave the rest. Most people try to just tell you what worked for them. Only you know yourself and your situation.
One more thing, try a few Al-Anon meetings. Everyone there has someone they care about who is an alcoholic. It is a great place to find people to listen without judgment, and who will show care and concern for you while they share strategies that worked for them.
Some words of wisdom from others wiser than me, that have helped me immensely at SR and at Al-Anon:
Please remember that alcoholism is a disease that you
1)Did not Cause
2)Cannot Controland
3)Cannot Cure.
These things are all the alcoholic is responsible for. (people will refer to these as the three C's.)
Also, when given advice, it is recommended to take what you like and leave the rest. Most people try to just tell you what worked for them. Only you know yourself and your situation.
One more thing, try a few Al-Anon meetings. Everyone there has someone they care about who is an alcoholic. It is a great place to find people to listen without judgment, and who will show care and concern for you while they share strategies that worked for them.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Welcome to SR!!
This place has helped me a lot.
I'm sorry you feel like you're dealing with a lot right now. When we love and care about someone and we watch them do these things to themselves, it's truly heartwrenching.
One of the guys in my Al-anon group sounds a lot like you. Well, 6 months ago. He's doing much better now.
I think you would benefit from reaching out to your local Al-anon community.
This place has helped me a lot.
I'm sorry you feel like you're dealing with a lot right now. When we love and care about someone and we watch them do these things to themselves, it's truly heartwrenching.
One of the guys in my Al-anon group sounds a lot like you. Well, 6 months ago. He's doing much better now.
I think you would benefit from reaching out to your local Al-anon community.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome some good advice ahead of me. You cannot save her, you cannot cure her, she must fall all the way to the bottom before she can get back up and is ready to be serious about her recovery. Recovery is a life long deal, takes a good program a willingness to work the program and a burning desire to stay sober, right now it doesn't seem that she is in recovery or has that desire to quit.
Work on you, go to meetings, read Codependent No More and keep posting, we are here for you.
Work on you, go to meetings, read Codependent No More and keep posting, we are here for you.
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