longwayhome

I'm already living apart from AH and have been for two years. He's only getting worse and I have to protect myself financially. He has avoided visiting me and our two young kids for the past six weeks since I told him I wanted to talk about a legal separation with child support and spousal support. I want to get a lawyer and move forward with my life. And yet I am very worried about his mental health and instability. He recently lost his job. He's spending a lot of time at the bar, according to our joint account. When he does bother to write a text message or e-mail (he never answers the phone) it's always, "I'm so sad. I'm so lonely." How can I file for divorce? I'm afraid it will kill him. Or he'll kill himself.

BeProactive

tough situation, longwayhome. I am in a similar situation - AH has no job, he is very depressed and nowhere to go so he is refusing to leave since he came back 2 weeks ago. I am in the process of filing for divorce as well (meeting with lawyer tomorrow for going over the final papers). All I can say is there is never a good time to file for divorce - there is always some crises or another going on with As. File whenever you are ready, his HP will take care of him. Your (and my) responsibility lies with our kids and us, not him - an adult.

longwayhome

he was in treatment for a few months, seeing a psychiatrist weekly but never would go to AA. he later agreed that he should try AA. then he lost his job and is solely focused on finding a new one (which he thinks is the answer) but keeps drinking more than ever.

his mother, sister and I have all tried to talking to him about it and offering support and wanting to help him get help, but it hasn't worked. we have not tried a professional intervention. should we (i'm not sure I could convince his family to participate) or should I just walk away?

CXR

Very tough situation. What is best for YOU and your CHILDREN? Do not take your eye off that ball. Yes, it is sad about him. But you must take care of YOURSELF and your CHILDREN. You must. Speak with an attorney. Protect yourself, financially and in every other way.

You can detach with love and compassion and that is the healthy thing for you to do.

longwayhome

I'm sure it won't be easy, but I applaud you for going through with it. I have to muster the strength to get in to see a lawyer soon.

Impurrfect

(((Longwayhome))) - I'm sorry for what you are going through. However, you don't have it in your power to keep him from doing what he's going to do. If he wants to continue to drink and be sad, that is HIS choice.

I understand you worrying about him killing himself or letting the alcohol kill him, but I know of some kids who's parent died (OD, suicide, alcoholism) right in front of them. It's a sad risk of addiction.

I'm an RA and I had to stoop to a really low bottom and feel my consequences to even THINK about getting clean, much less work recovery.

You and your kids don't need a front-row seat to his actions. It's hard, I won't play that down (had 3 XABF's) but we have to do the best for ourselves, and in your case, for your kids.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

BeProactive

Thanks longwayhome for the good luck - I really need it. I am scared and am worried about falling back into my codie ways - have to watch myself - I am feeling very sad and upset seeing him so depressed. I have already asked him many times if he would go for rehab, emailed him the details, etc. After the 6 months apart has given me a perspective on how unacceptable what he is doing is (drinking, smoking inside the house, not doing anything to help instead expecting everybody to do things for him, difficult to deal with, etc, etc) and that gives me the courage to go thru with getting myself and my kids out of the situation.

You are courageous too - you separated yourself and your kids from your A. That is a big first step.

good luck to you as well.

Jadmack25

This is so tough to handle and sure gets stress levels raised. Can you do something about your joint account? Maybe withdraw what is your share and put it in your own account?
Separating finances is a first step to safeguarding yourself from watching his actions and stressing over it.

Hard tho it is not to worry over his emotional state, if he is ignoring offers of help there is stuff all you can do. You are not responsible for his drinking, or the feelings he has, these are his problems and not on your plate.

Your responsibility is for yourself and children, and letting him get to you will only drag you all into a mental and emotional hell.

naive

i agree, take steps to block him using the family funds for his drinking. one way to do that is open an account in your name only and move the money there.

as for the intervention question, perhaps post that on the alcoholics forum? i would imagine there will be a few there who have been through such and could give you their perspective from that experience.