sherby

It's been sometime since I have posted here. Almost 2 months ago, I finally got the courage up to leave my B.F. and got my own apartment.
I was in denial for so long because I loved him and Honestly I still do, But for now I have to love him from a distant,Sad but that's the way it has to be.
I'm just now finding myself again. It was really hard at first, I cried alot, But it feels so good to finally have peace in my life and after I moved me and my 14 yr old son was talking and he told me he never really liked my BF which bothered me because it always appeared he and my B.F. got along very well, but my son said "Mom I always felt like when he was nice to me it was fake" and of course my b.f. would try to hide the drinking from my son, but my son knew, and I'm dealing with some guilt where my child is concerned.
Now I don' have to sit and Dread every Wed, Fri, or Sat because those were the days he normally would drink and after about 7 or 8 beers he would become verbally abusive. When the man wasn't drinking he was very very good to me, but the bad really out-weighed the good, I can remember countless times I would cry and he would laugh at me, I do believe this has scarred me.
The only thing that makes me angry at myself at the moment is I still love this man, I wished I didn't but I still do.
I told him if he would go get help I would stick by him and love him close, but he will not admit that if you have to drink 2 to 3 times a week until your drunk that you are not a alcoholic so since he refuses to face his addiction, I have to love him from a distance and I told him this.
I really love this man, but my love can't save him, he has to want to save himself.
I don't know why I really posted this, I guess I just need to reach out to others who are or have dealt with the same thing. I'm just taking one hour at a time. Thank You All so much.

sandrawg

My exabf did the same thing to me - laugh at me when I would cry! What do you think that is about?

I'm glad you're here. There are many of us who had to do the same as you. Walk away. It's hard. We're all somewhat traumatized in the beginning, too. One day at a time is good. Al-anon is even better Can you go to a meeting?

sherby

Honestly "Sand" I feel it was for many reasons one being the alcohol alters their emotions and their personality. Also I feel like some of it is guilt hidden underneath the intoxication and this is their only way of dealing with it, which is very cruel just the same. I'm glad your doing better and Hugs sweetie just hang in there

sandrawg

Yeah-him laughing at me while I cried was the least of the trauma I endured..but it was still puzzling nonetheless..

forgotten1

i think they laugh so they can pretend it's not really happening, otherwise they'd have to admit and face WHY we were crying... and that doesn't fit into the delusion that drinking their lives away is perfectly an ok path that doesn't destroy their lives.

let's remember their emotional growth is stunted... and dealing with anyone crying requires MATURITY and self esteem to handle. could you imagine turning it on ourselves if a child of ours were crying?! lol !

it sucks what brings us all together, but this is really helping me out--reading all of these same experiences (like being laughed at or demeaned when crying). it really all keeps hammering it in... my sense of self, who i am... and who i didn't give up for him. i'm SO GLAD there was still that small (but strong) me left inside after all i've been through. i am SO GRATEFUL that i didn't lose myself.

TakingCharge999

sherby, sandra, forgotten, we are great women!! and cruel people are not worth a cent.

I am also glad I did not stay, my life was at stake, every time he drove drunk, every time I was to stay alone in bed with him at night not knowing if in some party he scored and got an STD, every time I was there for him to abuse me and who knows what else would have triggered him before he would turn physically violent. He could have done permanent harm. He could have killed me. Honestly, all those violent situations start this way.

Now it is about US. Now I am finding what I like, and it has NOTHING to do with what he likes. And I go "why did I stop listening to X, doing Y and talking to Z?"

My mom also told me she suspected he was an alcoholic , when we were having breakfast and his hands were trembling after a particularly wild night for him. I did not notice. I thought he was cold! I did not know about withdrawal. So the guy had withdrawal symptoms at age 27.

I tortured myself thinking he was again the great guy I met once, but I have been around him at work these last 2.5 years. The guy is even more selfish and more drunk than he ever was. And he still hides it very well / I know him, can't be fooled now.

I still recall a few days after we broke up he arrived with the same clothes from one day to the other, unkempt, super smiley and I knew he had spent the night with someone else. You would think he at least tried to hide it from me? HAH! he was gladly parading it when he knew I was there to notice. I cried for months!

Now that I know about alcoholism I know he is just lost in addiction. It is modus operandi. Confirmed by the fact the "new" partner drinks more than him. Had I drunk, laughed at his misogynistic jokes, shut up when being told a coward, fat, etc etc. I would be his dream girl! Too bad I am NOT that person.

And all those things are reasons to keep me away. There is no way he will have my friendship or my trust anymore. And you know, that is worth something. Too bad he didn't see it. He no longer has power over my life. The sun shines for ME now. For US. And it will keep shining, regardless of what other people who have harmed us, do.

We are now free. Let's celebrate this fact today