I have a confession to make
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: NSW
Posts: 29
I have a confession to make
When I found this message board, I was really just looking for a way to fix the "simple" issue of my partner's alcoholism... boy, did I learn a thing or two.
I'm beginning to realise that we, the family and friends of alcohlics, all go through this stage, and maybe that's why many of us are drawn to this message board. The hunt for the illusive magic bullet, or possibly a secret elixir? Maybe even some kind of new-aged-naturopath-hippy remedy that would be the ULTIMATE fix for a problem, that I am now realising is a disease, and I am not a doctor.
I wanted to be able to show I can really help (aka get my bragging rights for being the ONE to solve his problem with alcohol!), but as I sat down and read, I learned, and am continuing to learn.
I am still so new to this disease but its funny (and kind of embarrassing, now that I think about it) how cocky I was to think that I would be the one to "solve" my partner's alcoholism, as if it was an equation. I'm not even that good at maths.
After months of lurking, I finally grew a pair and decided to sign up and even post just to say hello.
A little background..
When we first started dating, I had no idea. It really crept up, but the signs were there... Slurring and/or falling asleep mid-conversation on the phone. Going out for multiple "cigarette/toilet/drink" breaks while we were at his house watching a movie, yet somehow he "mysteriously" became more incoherent and his breath smelled like something, but I couldn't quite pin-point it because the cigarette he just smoked, or the can of coke he just drank would kind of mask it. Finding empty bottles of alcohol in his room, oh but there were "from ages ago, why would he drink during the week?".
When I found out that my partner is an alcoholic, wake up call was so glaringly, rudely obvious. Arrested twice... in 2 days, when he was supposed to be at work. Both to do with intoxication. There was no denying or "reasonable" explanation left to explain these 2 days and the weeks to follow.
It's amazing how stupid I felt when I realised what was really going on.
To be more accurately, I should say how stupid I felt when I finally admitted to myself that my partner has a problem with alcohol (stupid for not coming to terms with it sooner).
After this realisation I just got really angry for a few weeks, then sad, then really depressed... then I tried to get smart and thought if I researched I could find the "right" solution to fix him. Once I foudn this apparent "right solution", I then tried to force it on him, which, as you can probably guess, caused a lot of fights.. A LOT. Then I became tired because we were fighting so much.
One night my research into the "magic bullet" lead me to that bit of information that started to open my eyes... and somehow I started/am starting to crossover from being naive, to actually starting to really educate myself, with the truest of intentions.
I'm not going to lie and say that I am past trying to find the "right" solution to help my partner to get better, I am only really starting to see that my road to recovery is going to be long, bumpy and winding... I don't even feel like I've left my street yet! I can say that I am taking steps to heal and make myself a better person. That is partially because of the countless posts I have read that have made me cry, shake my head in disbelief to how much I felt like that person was describing my life, or even made me smile with some of your stories of triumph... so thanks everyone for sharing your experiences.
I'm beginning to realise that we, the family and friends of alcohlics, all go through this stage, and maybe that's why many of us are drawn to this message board. The hunt for the illusive magic bullet, or possibly a secret elixir? Maybe even some kind of new-aged-naturopath-hippy remedy that would be the ULTIMATE fix for a problem, that I am now realising is a disease, and I am not a doctor.
I wanted to be able to show I can really help (aka get my bragging rights for being the ONE to solve his problem with alcohol!), but as I sat down and read, I learned, and am continuing to learn.
I am still so new to this disease but its funny (and kind of embarrassing, now that I think about it) how cocky I was to think that I would be the one to "solve" my partner's alcoholism, as if it was an equation. I'm not even that good at maths.
After months of lurking, I finally grew a pair and decided to sign up and even post just to say hello.
A little background..
When we first started dating, I had no idea. It really crept up, but the signs were there... Slurring and/or falling asleep mid-conversation on the phone. Going out for multiple "cigarette/toilet/drink" breaks while we were at his house watching a movie, yet somehow he "mysteriously" became more incoherent and his breath smelled like something, but I couldn't quite pin-point it because the cigarette he just smoked, or the can of coke he just drank would kind of mask it. Finding empty bottles of alcohol in his room, oh but there were "from ages ago, why would he drink during the week?".
When I found out that my partner is an alcoholic, wake up call was so glaringly, rudely obvious. Arrested twice... in 2 days, when he was supposed to be at work. Both to do with intoxication. There was no denying or "reasonable" explanation left to explain these 2 days and the weeks to follow.
It's amazing how stupid I felt when I realised what was really going on.
To be more accurately, I should say how stupid I felt when I finally admitted to myself that my partner has a problem with alcohol (stupid for not coming to terms with it sooner).
After this realisation I just got really angry for a few weeks, then sad, then really depressed... then I tried to get smart and thought if I researched I could find the "right" solution to fix him. Once I foudn this apparent "right solution", I then tried to force it on him, which, as you can probably guess, caused a lot of fights.. A LOT. Then I became tired because we were fighting so much.
One night my research into the "magic bullet" lead me to that bit of information that started to open my eyes... and somehow I started/am starting to crossover from being naive, to actually starting to really educate myself, with the truest of intentions.
I'm not going to lie and say that I am past trying to find the "right" solution to help my partner to get better, I am only really starting to see that my road to recovery is going to be long, bumpy and winding... I don't even feel like I've left my street yet! I can say that I am taking steps to heal and make myself a better person. That is partially because of the countless posts I have read that have made me cry, shake my head in disbelief to how much I felt like that person was describing my life, or even made me smile with some of your stories of triumph... so thanks everyone for sharing your experiences.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Awww, welcome Tinabanina!! I'm so glad you decided to stop lurking and start posting!!
That was an awesome first post... very succinctly put. I too struggled for years to find the solution to fix my boyfriend/husband's drinking. I am a Ms. Fix-it, an engineer who can teach herself how to do anything! Surely I could concur alcoholism too!!!
Much like you, my attempts to control/cure it led me straight into No Place Good. Yelling, screaming, fighting... I was a controlling, unreasonable, b$%ch. (6 years in Al-anon and most of that is gone... not all of it!! LOL!)
Keep coming back because I look foward to seeing your recovery journey!
Shannon
That was an awesome first post... very succinctly put. I too struggled for years to find the solution to fix my boyfriend/husband's drinking. I am a Ms. Fix-it, an engineer who can teach herself how to do anything! Surely I could concur alcoholism too!!!
Much like you, my attempts to control/cure it led me straight into No Place Good. Yelling, screaming, fighting... I was a controlling, unreasonable, b$%ch. (6 years in Al-anon and most of that is gone... not all of it!! LOL!)
Keep coming back because I look foward to seeing your recovery journey!
Shannon
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and share some of your story.
Please read and post as much as needed. We are here to support you.
We understand!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and share some of your story.
Please read and post as much as needed. We are here to support you.
We understand!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: NSW
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by GettingBy 
Awww, welcome Tinabanina!! I'm so glad you decided to stop lurking and start posting!!
That was an awesome first post... very succinctly put. I too struggled for years to find the solution to fix my boyfriend/husband's drinking. I am a Ms. Fix-it, an engineer who can teach herself how to do anything! Surely I could concur alcoholism too!!!
Much like you, my attempts to control/cure it led me straight into No Place Good. Yelling, screaming, fighting... I was a controlling, unreasonable, b$%ch. (6 years in Al-anon and most of that is gone... not all of it!! LOL!)
Keep coming back because I look foward to seeing your recovery journey!
Shannon
That was an awesome first post... very succinctly put. I too struggled for years to find the solution to fix my boyfriend/husband's drinking. I am a Ms. Fix-it, an engineer who can teach herself how to do anything! Surely I could concur alcoholism too!!!
Much like you, my attempts to control/cure it led me straight into No Place Good. Yelling, screaming, fighting... I was a controlling, unreasonable, b$%ch. (6 years in Al-anon and most of that is gone... not all of it!! LOL!)
Keep coming back because I look foward to seeing your recovery journey!
Shannon
Wow, don't even get me started on my incessant need to fix and cure and mend. I am constantly drawn to the underdog and down-trodden, I have dated so many emotionally unstable guys and even a recovering addict or 2 (probably because I'm not as stable as I'd like to think as well!) it was only fitting that I found myself an alcoholic partner.
One of the hardest habits to try and break is losing my temper and getting lost in my own argument because I get so emotional.. one of my worst traits... do they make a magic pill for this one, along with the "cure alcoholism" elixir?
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Welcome to the forum, tinabanina.
You deserve the best out of life.
I'm glad you're finally starting to look at your life, and figure out how to get where you want to go.
I'm glad you found us.
You're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Welcome!!!
Me too. Absolutely.
Same thing when I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting. I was like, "Dude, just hand me over the tools and I'll go home and fix him! Give'em to me! Now! Like, NOW! People!"
So sitting through that first meeting was like, "Whooooa -- what is this? Some kind of cult? They're just TALKING!? They're not even giving each other advice? WTF?"
But it's like a friend who's been sober for (I lose count) 35 years says -- "I don't know HOW it works, I don't care WHY it works, I just know THAT it works."
When I found this message board, I was really just looking for a way to fix the "simple" issue of my partner's alcoholism... boy, did I learn a thing or two.
Same thing when I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting. I was like, "Dude, just hand me over the tools and I'll go home and fix him! Give'em to me! Now! Like, NOW! People!"
So sitting through that first meeting was like, "Whooooa -- what is this? Some kind of cult? They're just TALKING!? They're not even giving each other advice? WTF?"
But it's like a friend who's been sober for (I lose count) 35 years says -- "I don't know HOW it works, I don't care WHY it works, I just know THAT it works."
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by lillamy
Same thing when I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting. I was like, "Dude, just hand me over the tools and I'll go home and fix him! Give'em to me! Now! Like, NOW! People!"
So sitting through that first meeting was like, "Whooooa -- what is this? Some kind of cult? They're just TALKING!? They're not even giving each other advice? WTF?"
So sitting through that first meeting was like, "Whooooa -- what is this? Some kind of cult? They're just TALKING!? They're not even giving each other advice? WTF?"
And that whole, "It works if you work it"?!?!?! Pissed me off to no end.
But, as I said in a post earlier today... by the grace of God.... I get it now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 28
I remember walking into my local chemist (pharmacy, drug store), after getting frustrated all the various meds there. I asked the chemist if he had something that could make the taste of alcohol nasty. He said "mouthwash makes alcohol taste bad. But if your looking for a cure for your drinking problem, we keep that in the same aisle as the crazy-be-gone lotions". I walked out pissed off that he thought 'I' had a drinking problem. Wasn't until I got home that I realised his smartass remark. I have a giggle in hindsight.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Welcome. Here's your road to recovery: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Take care,
Cyranoak
Take care,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 28
Find a meeting in Australia
I think this is what Cyranoak was trying to offer... I thought you'd want one closer to home, save you some airfare
I think this is what Cyranoak was trying to offer... I thought you'd want one closer to home, save you some airfare
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Somewhere here in texas
Posts: 25
New and lost
My bf is addict.. And is not in recovery , he is actively using. I just recently asked him to move out, the drug abuse and fighting had gotten out I'd control. I have been going to Alanon off and on god 2 years and made a committmwnt to myself to stay this time.. I have been going since 2/1/11 and have a sponsor. My life is getting better as just allow god in... My question here is my addict went on binge of some sort, and for the last week has been acting like a parnoid schziphrenic, I've prayed and I've just let it be what it is , because I got emotional today when he called he proceed to tell me I've relapsed in Alanon, I was being true to my feelings .. Thoughts ?? Fro
anyone would be great who might have been in same situtian?
anyone would be great who might have been in same situtian?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Yup, been there done that.
Only I am no longer hoping for any solution or magic bullet for his recovery. I'm working on my own. I'm going to al-anon, doing the steps, and feeling SO much better than I have in 3.5 ys of my off/on rollercoaster w my alcoholic ex.
Only I am no longer hoping for any solution or magic bullet for his recovery. I'm working on my own. I'm going to al-anon, doing the steps, and feeling SO much better than I have in 3.5 ys of my off/on rollercoaster w my alcoholic ex.
Originally Posted by tinabanina
When I found this message board, I was really just looking for a way to fix the "simple" issue of my partner's alcoholism... boy, did I learn a thing or two.
I'm beginning to realise that we, the family and friends of alcohlics, all go through this stage, and maybe that's why many of us are drawn to this message board. The hunt for the illusive magic bullet, or possibly a secret elixir? Maybe even some kind of new-aged-naturopath-hippy remedy that would be the ULTIMATE fix for a problem, that I am now realising is a disease, and I am not a doctor.
I wanted to be able to show I can really help (aka get my bragging rights for being the ONE to solve his problem with alcohol!), but as I sat down and read, I learned, and am continuing to learn.
I am still so new to this disease but its funny (and kind of embarrassing, now that I think about it) how cocky I was to think that I would be the one to "solve" my partner's alcoholism, as if it was an equation. I'm not even that good at maths.
After months of lurking, I finally grew a pair and decided to sign up and even post just to say hello.
A little background..
When we first started dating, I had no idea. It really crept up, but the signs were there... Slurring and/or falling asleep mid-conversation on the phone. Going out for multiple "cigarette/toilet/drink" breaks while we were at his house watching a movie, yet somehow he "mysteriously" became more incoherent and his breath smelled like something, but I couldn't quite pin-point it because the cigarette he just smoked, or the can of coke he just drank would kind of mask it. Finding empty bottles of alcohol in his room, oh but there were "from ages ago, why would he drink during the week?".
When I found out that my partner is an alcoholic, wake up call was so glaringly, rudely obvious. Arrested twice... in 2 days, when he was supposed to be at work. Both to do with intoxication. There was no denying or "reasonable" explanation left to explain these 2 days and the weeks to follow.
It's amazing how stupid I felt when I realised what was really going on.
To be more accurately, I should say how stupid I felt when I finally admitted to myself that my partner has a problem with alcohol (stupid for not coming to terms with it sooner).
After this realisation I just got really angry for a few weeks, then sad, then really depressed... then I tried to get smart and thought if I researched I could find the "right" solution to fix him. Once I foudn this apparent "right solution", I then tried to force it on him, which, as you can probably guess, caused a lot of fights.. A LOT. Then I became tired because we were fighting so much.
One night my research into the "magic bullet" lead me to that bit of information that started to open my eyes... and somehow I started/am starting to crossover from being naive, to actually starting to really educate myself, with the truest of intentions.
I'm not going to lie and say that I am past trying to find the "right" solution to help my partner to get better, I am only really starting to see that my road to recovery is going to be long, bumpy and winding... I don't even feel like I've left my street yet! I can say that I am taking steps to heal and make myself a better person. That is partially because of the countless posts I have read that have made me cry, shake my head in disbelief to how much I felt like that person was describing my life, or even made me smile with some of your stories of triumph... so thanks everyone for sharing your experiences.
I'm beginning to realise that we, the family and friends of alcohlics, all go through this stage, and maybe that's why many of us are drawn to this message board. The hunt for the illusive magic bullet, or possibly a secret elixir? Maybe even some kind of new-aged-naturopath-hippy remedy that would be the ULTIMATE fix for a problem, that I am now realising is a disease, and I am not a doctor.
I wanted to be able to show I can really help (aka get my bragging rights for being the ONE to solve his problem with alcohol!), but as I sat down and read, I learned, and am continuing to learn.
I am still so new to this disease but its funny (and kind of embarrassing, now that I think about it) how cocky I was to think that I would be the one to "solve" my partner's alcoholism, as if it was an equation. I'm not even that good at maths.
After months of lurking, I finally grew a pair and decided to sign up and even post just to say hello.
A little background..
When we first started dating, I had no idea. It really crept up, but the signs were there... Slurring and/or falling asleep mid-conversation on the phone. Going out for multiple "cigarette/toilet/drink" breaks while we were at his house watching a movie, yet somehow he "mysteriously" became more incoherent and his breath smelled like something, but I couldn't quite pin-point it because the cigarette he just smoked, or the can of coke he just drank would kind of mask it. Finding empty bottles of alcohol in his room, oh but there were "from ages ago, why would he drink during the week?".
When I found out that my partner is an alcoholic, wake up call was so glaringly, rudely obvious. Arrested twice... in 2 days, when he was supposed to be at work. Both to do with intoxication. There was no denying or "reasonable" explanation left to explain these 2 days and the weeks to follow.
It's amazing how stupid I felt when I realised what was really going on.
To be more accurately, I should say how stupid I felt when I finally admitted to myself that my partner has a problem with alcohol (stupid for not coming to terms with it sooner).
After this realisation I just got really angry for a few weeks, then sad, then really depressed... then I tried to get smart and thought if I researched I could find the "right" solution to fix him. Once I foudn this apparent "right solution", I then tried to force it on him, which, as you can probably guess, caused a lot of fights.. A LOT. Then I became tired because we were fighting so much.
One night my research into the "magic bullet" lead me to that bit of information that started to open my eyes... and somehow I started/am starting to crossover from being naive, to actually starting to really educate myself, with the truest of intentions.
I'm not going to lie and say that I am past trying to find the "right" solution to help my partner to get better, I am only really starting to see that my road to recovery is going to be long, bumpy and winding... I don't even feel like I've left my street yet! I can say that I am taking steps to heal and make myself a better person. That is partially because of the countless posts I have read that have made me cry, shake my head in disbelief to how much I felt like that person was describing my life, or even made me smile with some of your stories of triumph... so thanks everyone for sharing your experiences.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I used to log on and see a post by someone who could very well have been me back when I started here. So eerily similar. That used to send a chill down my spine thinking there's another sad story by another sad soul. Not anymore.
Today, I log on and read your post, tinabanina, and I smile. Not because I think what you're going through deserves a grin. No, it's because your start in recovery is so like mine and I have such faith in this place and it's people that like me you will find what you need here to lead you out of the dark as I did.
Life awaits you and I feel confident saying it won't be anything you expect at the moment. Give it time, give it patience, give it faith, and give it your all. Oh, and hold on to your butt, cause when you hop on, it's one heck of ride.
Keep reading.
Keep posting.
We're here to support with our experiences, our strength, and our hope.
Welcome!!
Alice
Today, I log on and read your post, tinabanina, and I smile. Not because I think what you're going through deserves a grin. No, it's because your start in recovery is so like mine and I have such faith in this place and it's people that like me you will find what you need here to lead you out of the dark as I did.
Life awaits you and I feel confident saying it won't be anything you expect at the moment. Give it time, give it patience, give it faith, and give it your all. Oh, and hold on to your butt, cause when you hop on, it's one heck of ride.
Keep reading.
Keep posting.
We're here to support with our experiences, our strength, and our hope.
Welcome!!
Alice
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 73
Welcome aboard... I too was once in your shoes, I wanted to believe or think that my love was enough to fix him.... You weren't stupid, you just loved him and wanted him to be healthy. It's very hard excepting that the person you love is a addict... Like you I came to the board while still living with my BF looking for things maybe to help him more so than to help me... But finally after months of reading and praying, I removed my "rose-colored" glasses.... I was seeing him for what I wanted him to be, not for whim he truly was. When I looked at him at that time all I could think of was the good times when he wasn't drinking, But after coming into full acceptance, that only he could fix himself, & that I had to remove myself from the ugly situation, it wasn't until then that I could start fixing me (the healing process) which I'm still doing. Looking back I now realize that I was addicted to him which was very very un-healthy for me.
He did not and still will not admit that he has a problem, So I told him until he realized that he needed help & wanted to change for him and no other reason, that I had to Love Him From A Distance and it's hard but it's so much easier and healthier for me and my son. Just keep reading the board and you will figure more things out... I wish you all the best and keep us posted. Hugs and hang in there.
He did not and still will not admit that he has a problem, So I told him until he realized that he needed help & wanted to change for him and no other reason, that I had to Love Him From A Distance and it's hard but it's so much easier and healthier for me and my son. Just keep reading the board and you will figure more things out... I wish you all the best and keep us posted. Hugs and hang in there.
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