Cosaloca

I have been in Al-Anon for about a month, am reading Codependent No More, and have spent countless hours here on SR. My AH is still attending his outpatient rehab program, and he's been staying at home now (as opposed to our empty rental house, where he was for the first couple weeks of his treatment). I guess this means that things are generally going OK, but I know we have a long way to go.

One big thing I have been learning is that I really need to focus on taking good care of myself, and continuing to refrain from putting too much of my energy or focus on my husband's addiction or rehab. The problem is that I quit my job in January to stay home with our 3-year-old son, so I am on-duty ALL the time with no daycare for backup, and I'm really struggling with finding time to do nice things for myself, by myself, or even just to spend time in quiet meditation. We don't have a babysitter, and our closest relatives live an hour away. I've tried registering with a babysitter-finding website, but we were rejected due to my AH's old felony convictions from 15 years ago (from long before he started drinking or even before we met).

For anyone out there raising small children, how do you find ways to make time for yourself? Everyone reminds me I SHOULD, but no one tells me HOW!

Do I just need to suck it up and focus on taking care of my kid before myself until he's older? Should I just keep asking my HP to drop a babysitter in my lap so I can get a break now and then? LOL
Help?!

fourmaggie

I know this is hard...and i totally here ya!
I am a widow and was with a 10mth old son and pregnant(this was 9 years ago)

now,.,,
they are 10 and 8...strength and courage...can you ask a neighbour to watch as you slip out for an hour in abit?...if not...yes wait until he is older....

also if hubby is home and in recovery...well, you need your recovery also...start telling him you need your meetings too...once or twice a week it will not hurt if he stayed home and watch your son...it has to work hand in hand...because AA AND AL ANON do work HAND IN HAND....

pixilation

I found one al-anon meeting that offered free child care(it wasn't a perfect fit, but once I move back into town and won't have to pay so much for gas, I'm going back) Otherwise, i tend to go without sleep to do "me" things. I also have a few other children too, mine are 15, 8 and 3.

I don't often get the chance to do things by myself, and I'm still with AH at the moment. the last time I did do something completely by myself was go to the Harry Potter midnight opening. And that came back to bite me in the butt, so I haven't gone out truly alone(not even grocery shopping, come to think about it) since, unless it's a quick trip to Walmart right after work.

It's hard, I'm not going to lie. It sucks not being able to do more for myself. I really want to go to a sci-fi con a few hours away over the July 4th holiday. but if it works out, I'll have just moved out, and it's just not going to happen.

strengthtobeone

It is HARD, but I try not to look at it that way, because in my mind, I never have enough time to myself!!! I like to think about how fast my kids are gonna grow up and try to focus on their happy little smiles. I just feed them ice cream sometimes so I can forget how grumpy and deprived I am (world's tiniest violin, please!).

That being said, I rely on my neighbors in my apartments A LOT. I pay them handsomely, and this allows me to do things by myself. At this time in my life, MY RECOVERY comes FIRST!! I treat myself to yoga and runs and hiking and other extracurricular activities. I like to do the free stuff, of course, esp when paying for babysitting, but sometimes you just have to treat yourself. LIVE THE GOOD LIFE!!! What's the point in being miserable???? I did that for a long long time and it didn't work out in my favor. Now I take care of myself in ways that allow me to be more spiritual and uplifted, no matter the cost. Things always seem to work out!!

Are there any mommy groups? I live in a very small town <3000 people, and there are rec department sponsored playgroups. Find another mama with similar aged child, strike up a conversation, exchange phone numbers, then call and see if she is interested in doing "baby trades", as me and my girlfriend call them. Offer yourself of service first! At that age, the kids may bicker a little on the playdate, but as time goes on, and you all know each other better, when they have a playdate, you will get quiet time as they play together and leave you ALONE!!!! WOO HOO!

Also, I go to Al-Anon FAMILY GROUPS. (THAT IS THE NAME OF THE ORGANIZATION!!!) It really pisses me off when people make you feel unwelcome for bringing your kids to Al-Anon. There is one meeting I go to and people behave that way. I take my kids anyway. If they want serenity without kids then name their meeting as child-free or something but don't try to make moms feel unwelcome. UNCOOL! My girlfriend has 4 kids under the age of 8 and brings her kids sometimes. I just bring their little video games, a movie player, or coloring books. Sometimes they harrass me during the meeting, but mostly they leave me alone. I don't give them much attention during the meeting, so they are total pros and understand that the meeting is special mommy time that helps mommy get better.

Go to storytime at the library, go to the park, be open and willing to talk to moms and don't be shy about meeting new people! They want a break, too!!

Good Luck!

BTW, my kids are 4 and 6. I'm a single mom with full custody and no family within 20 hours. I am determined to become part of a "tribe" of friends who support each other!

Also, don't know if you can stand religious stuff, but churches seem to be a great way to network mama/babyshares

SomeoneElse

I have a little one too who's 2. strengthtobeone gave a lot of good suggestions. Mommy groups are wonderful. A couple of other suggestions would be to look into mother's mornings out which are held by some churches, or your local YMCA, many of which have child care available while you use their facilities.

Buffalo66

I hear you, sister.

Its so hard to find time for yourself and to nurture your recovery when you have a little one. They need so much time and attention!

Thats all I have to say, Im just right there with you. Hugs.

littlefish

What about neighborhood grocery stores with bulletin boards? I found a babysitter through a YWCA bulletin board. You could always advertise in a small local paper, too.