inneed921

The last post I made was about a year regarding my sister E. Last fall, my other sister left E stay in her house (3rd time). Within a month or so, she was drinking again, not going to meetings, never got a sponser, never really looked for ajob. She got so bad (again) we called the parametics, and she was admitted to the hospital. She went to rehab, then to 90-day recovery. She's out of that looking to move back in with my sister. I told her that that was not an option any more . She's been drinking hard for almost 13 years, and still doesn't go to many meetings, or do many things that the counselers tell her to do. so, she's living in her car, doesn't have a job, has severe asthma, and we (sister, myself, mother) feel terrible! We've enabled her many times, especially over the 1st 10 years-paying bills for her to remain in her apmt, many other things, finally resulting in my other sister letting her live with her 3 times-all ended badly. We have agreed to let her use our phone to make calls, to take showers, and get a meal, but that's all. I've been to some al-anon meetings, and everyone agrees that we have to do this, but, boy-oh-boy, it's not easy!! Any advice?? Thank!!

barb dwyer

hi Inneed and welcome back.

I'm glad to read you're going to meetings
because support is really the thing in times like this.

We can't make them want to be well.
And they will never want to be well
if they have an easy landing every time.

It's time for you to remain strong
and it sounds like you're doing the right thing
by going to meetings
and getting support there,
and here.

It's so very hard.

One thing that might distract you
if only for a night -
try and imagine -

what would you be doing right now
if you didn't have to spend all your extra time
worrying about this person?

WHat would you be doing to fill your time?

We get so caught up in their drama
that we have forgotten
(or maybe NEVER knew)
what our OWN inner self wants to experience
while we walking this world.

SO it's a good excersize
to imagine
if it was kicking the dirt happy go free time
and there were no problems in the world
and could have anything we ever wanted...

what would that be?

and mean while = welcome back.

I hope this is the time that does it.

Cyranoak

What do you think will happen if you stop letting her use your phone to make calls, take showers, and get a meal. Will it help her find sobriety or is it just lowering her bottom? I don't know the answer, I'm just asking.

Congrats on sticking to your boundary as far as her living in the house.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

inneed921

regarding the last post; I don't know. We got together as a family and decided that was our limit. She showed up this past sunday for mothers day, walked in the door, and asked "am I not supposed to be here"? We were very nice, let her stay and eat, and make a few calls, then she left. She keeps talking about alcoholism as a 'family disease', as if we are supposed to continue helping her (and I think, suffering) with her, such as letting her live there. She truly has no idea how much suffering we ARE doing ( I guess that's to be expected). She thinks that us not letting her live with any of us is 'passing the buck', and we're not contributing to her recovery.. "just when I need you the most, you're not there" she keeps saying. I can't help but think, that in a way she's right, but she's relapsed perhaps 8 times in 12 years, and still isn't following the advise of professionals and AA, so she's made her own bed, for sure. Thanks for the replies.

justjo

Hi Inneed,
Wow, I have been there with my sister. So very hard to watch & be involved with a person who also went in and out of rehabs so many times only to continue drinking. You are right when you say, she has no idea what you are going through, this would be the last thing on her mind. She probably would know that you worry about her but she's desperate to survive her drinking world.
I heard this too many times, "just when I need you the most, you're not there" but it was at 2 oclock in the morning mainly.

I dont like saying too much about my sister these days, more for respect to her and the fact I loved her so much.

Im not too sure how you will handle all of this but I would do what is in your heart and best interests. Im hoping your sister finds her soul again. I couldnt think of anything worse "a sister living on the streets" but maybe she has to do it until the pain gets too bad.

Love to you & your family JJ

justjo

I just wanted to say Inneed also. When my sisters children asked me "why wont mum stop drinking" - I would answer them "Mum is very sick". When she died, they asked me "why did mum leave us that way" - I answered, "mum didnt know how to stop because she was way too sick to let people help her"
I have had alot of time to think about this - I truelly believe that she found every excuse not to give up for a long time but in the end, she just didnt know how to live with out it, that was too scary for her to think about, I think.
Im hoping my post isnt inappropriate for you, but sometimes we have to let them make their own mind up, you know. Even though, I didnt like the decision she made, I know in my heart that I couldnt save her, you see.
JJ

steve11694

My heart goes out to u and family. My first thought is letting her shower and eat is kind and loving thing to do, does it enable her drinking??? Maybe, maybe not. She'd still drink if smelly and hungry and alcohol is known to take priority over food, cleanliness and shelter.

I have a surgeon friend that ended up homeless living on the streets. Nobody could tell him anything, he'd tell us all to F off, life is great, no problems. Part of his enhanced denial was his belief that because he had a high education status that he was above reproach, above scrutiny.

His "bottom" was quite amazing. I will elaborate;

He began to question why he smelled so bad as this was incompatible with being so highly educated. One day he started thinking about why 2 years ago he did not smell bad, and what was different now. "alcohol"

Losing his license, home, family, etc etc was not enough to make him bat an eye. Smelling bad was.

True story. Today he is sober and back in the world of the living and quite functional and nice to be with.

Hopeworks

One of the best books out there (in my opinion) is NO MORE LETTING GO by Debra Jay.

Loving someone that is either in active addiction or is not in true recovery is one of the most painful and difficult relationships one can find themselves in.

So many things are not carved in stone or black and white when someone is trapped in the maze of addiction with a brain that is still very much comprimised by the years of substance abuse and distorted belief systems.

Without walking in your moccasins and knowing the details no one can really advise specifically what your HP may want you to do for this person.

If I were in a similar situation (and I have been with an alcoholic brother and husband) I would "help" with housing if they were in a sober recovery/ halfway house with specific requirements for my financial support (x amount of meetings per week, daily contact with sponsor, active work on completing steps, etc...)

While that may seem controlling or codie to some I have seen AMAZING results with controlled interventions such as this ( as a bail agent we put conditions like this in bail contracts all the time and it does work in many cases to get someone to the point where they have been sober enough to make rational decisions for themselves and they stay in recovery and stay sober).

That being said... there are never guarantees and many times these contracts reveal clearly that the person really has no interest in sobriety at that time ... and while sad it is also revealing and helps with letting go until they are "ready".

Good luck and take care of yourselves and your own recovery.

fourmaggie

you know and so does the family know what to do...and you are doing it...and :claps:..you have great support from you family and that is the best!!..this takes alot of courage and strength to keep those boundaries...

i also say grieve her how she use to be...she is not that person anymore....

KEEP GOING BACK to your meetings..there is lots of wisdom there!!