Update of sorts

Old 05-03-2011, 10:15 AM
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Update of sorts

This weekend I went to NC to get the rest of my things. My daughter's father also lives near there and I had already promised him dd that weekend. xabf's mother came with me. She had planned on taking him and his brother and driving out to the outer banks. I was going to finish packing up alone at the house.

Got there friday night, and found him sober, getting my things together for me. His mother took him upstairs to talk about keeping his cobra insurance and the possibility of another rehab center they were looking at. I got a pillow and blanket and laid down on the couch.

He came down after his mom went to bed and we talked for a few minutes. He wanted me to come to bed with him, I refused. In the end I should have just done it because he wouldn't go to bed without me and wound up sleeping on the couch too.

Saturday when his mom and brother woke up to drive out to the coast, he said he wasn't going, he was staying with me. At this point I decided just to lose and not play the manipulation game. I had made it clear that this was not a "romantic getaway weekend", I was coming to get my things because I had to leave. I had to leave because of his drinking. I had to quit my job, move into my parents house, and take dd out of her home and school. I had to cancel our wedding. I had to decide I was not going to live the life of a wife of an alcoholic.

So into the car I went. I really can't explain why, except that I want to see him doing well. I wanted him to have some fresh air and sunshine, I certainly didn't want him staying at the house with me while they went to the beach. And I thought maybe it would be an opportunity for a better goodbye than the one I had a couple of weeks ago.

Saturday was a beautiful day. We all made it to the hotel and went out to the beach. We sat and talked, he cried and apologized. I held my ground. I told him that right now all of his energy needs to be put into his recovery. I kept reminding myself that everything he said was quackery. I even told him that I don't believe anything that comes from his mouth. He had been to 2 AA meetings last week, one of which he drank after.

He continued to deny drinking on Wednesday, saying that he had taken the wrong prescription pills and they made him sound drunk and that he was tired. I showed him the crazy texts he sent me. I told him that it was fine, I would believe him if that was the story he wanted to tell, but that he needed to know that he sounded drunk, and I wasn't the only person who said that on wednesday. Then there was his phone. I checked it, maybe out of habit, again I should have known better.

On wednesday, he took a picture of 6 empty cans, and another picture of an empty can on top of his AA book. WTF is that all about. He texted those pics to his buddy, and his buddy texted a picture of a beer back to him. I should not have confronted him about this, but I asked and he said that they were empty cans from Saturday and that he hadn't drank since last Saturday. I pointed out that he was trying to explain to me that he is working on sobriety. If so, why would he take pictures of empties on top of his AA book? Again though why try to make sense of anything he says or does?

So I asked about this, and reminded myself not to make a big deal about it. It is more evidence that I need to move on with my life and I made the best choice for me and dd.

Saturday we walked on the beach and talked. I told him that I am moving on with my life and trying to rebuild here. I do care about him and want to see him pick himself up. As much as it hurts he needs to get better with or without me, and right now the only option is without me. I didn't want to be accused of "sending mixed signals".

Sunday I finished packing and came back home. I will not be going back. I need to come down in July for my daughter to see her dad, but I won't be back at the house. Actually there was some real talk about the house this weekend. Without a job, he isn't able to pay the mortgage. His mom is finally seeing that bailing him out over the years hasn't helped. It is also financed in her name. She is going to let it go into forclosure. He isn't looking for a job right now, so unless he gets it together that will likely happen.

Since then I changed my cell phone to my own plan so that he couldn't pick through the online bill and see who I was talking to. I contemplated then not giving him the number, but I did give it to him, with the reminder that life is getting busy for me, I am looking for a job and home and trying to see friends here and that he could call me to check in, but I can't get worn out by his calls, and not to call me at all if he was drinking. I told him that I will change the number.

He has been respectful of that so far. He also tells me that he wants me back and wants to "make things right" and I respond that I can't even talk about that possibility right now.

So what am I getting out of talking to him daily? I guess I get a little peace of mind knowing that he is ok and is sober. I guess it is habit because I have worried about it for so long. And I do still care very much and want to see him do well, with or without me. I wish that I could just let go and wonder if that would be the best thing for him, and me too.

In other news, I have an interview tomorrow for a teaching job that will start in August. I feel very confident about it. I am still applying for jobs that I can do until August. I am also signed up to volunteer at dd's school. I am spending time with friends. You wouldn't believe how many people will buy you lunch if you are their unemployed friend who has been away for awhile. LMAO. I am enjoying my neices and nephews who I have been away from for the last year. The weather is beautiful and dd is thrilled to be going back to her old school.

I have been reading posts this weekend, but it's hard to respond from my phone. You guys inspire me. It's so nice not to feel alone. Even nicer to have people who you can be honest with and will be just as brutally honest back.

Thank you

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Old 05-03-2011, 10:32 AM
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Wow XXX,

it looks like you jumped right back in from where you left. if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Do you think it's possible that you are still wanting to be in touch daily, because you are still holding out hope that he will get sober, get a job and become that man you have always wanted him to be?
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:41 AM
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10X - thanks for counting that out! From now on I'll use that abbreviation!

Sounds like a painful weekend but one that was productive. You seem to be setting boundaries and standing firm. Hard not to get drawn into things again...and for me...even harder as more times passes. But hey, we love these people and that makes us vulnerable to all kinds of things, including quackery.

Way to go keeping the relationship out of the equation and focusing instead on his need to find his own recovery. I do believe if a relationship was meant to happen, it will, on its own time frame.
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:47 AM
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XXXX...your post sounds sad but also full of hope and resolve to change. I'm glad that you've got that interview and that you're involving yourself in volunteering. Awesome. It sounds like you're doing things in your own time, and that's fabulous. Thanks for the update!
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Old 05-03-2011, 10:50 AM
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It's hard to see hard and fast proof that they aren't doing what they say isn't it... I think until recently I held out hope my AH might change...

The interview sounds positive-- hope it goes well...

Do you think it might help you if you go NC for a while? Sounds like you got really distressed (understandable given how crazy making dealing with an alcoholic can be) but since you can't make him change, maybe just don't interact at all anymore for while?

Oh and I agree that the photos of beer on the big book are a big old WTF? I think though that having seen that, you know precisely where he's "at" in terms of recovery. He's not.
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Old 05-03-2011, 11:19 AM
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I just want to say WOW! Kudos to you for moving out and moving on.
You are a quick study!

You are making GREAT choices for you and your child and I am so proud of you.
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Old 05-03-2011, 11:33 AM
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Grace under pressure

You've come so far in such a short amount of time.
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Old 05-03-2011, 09:29 PM
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Keep it up, and keep the focus on YOU. Good luck with the job interview!
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