MayaandMe

someone recently posted about detachment say that it is neither helping NOR hurting. (I can't find the exact quote right now.)

I had never thought about it like that before and that was huge for me. I had always swung from helping/enabling to attacking my exabf. I had never just done nothing. This week my daughter and I have been visiting him for the first time in 2 yrs. He has acted very much the same as he did before we left, although I am not living with him now and I have not seen the drinking, he has disappeared, lied, and generally been distracted even when he has been in the same room with our daughter. I have not done a good job of detaching this week. Although I am no longer enabling him, I have taken the liberty of sending him a few emails and texts telling him what I think he is doing wrong as a parent.
After thinking a lot about that other poster's idea about detachment, I can clearly see what I am doing wrong. I am still trying to manipulate and fix the situation to meet my expectations. I still have not accepted him as he is. He doesn't want my "help". I don't need to get involved in his life at all.
That was a big freeing breakthrough for me. And it all goes back to the same core belief for me, I can accept him without condoning his behavior. Just because I do not respond, does not mean I agree or disagree with what is going on. He relationship with our daughter is his to build or to destroy.

Is this how you see your co-parenting relationship?
I mean, short of safety concerns, each parent has the right to build their own relationship with their child, right?

Tuffgirl

I think you are on the right track...I know it was hard at first for me to let my girls' father do parenting his way (which was not at all my way) and just let things be. It takes a while - a lot of practice and acceptance to what is, versus trying to force what we want it to be on someone else.

I am still trying to manipulate and fix the situation to meet my expectations. I still have not accepted him as he is. He doesn't want my "help". I don't need to get involved in his life at all.

And this is what recovery looks like! It is very freeing to let go of that need and control and to start paying attention to ourselves. ; )

kittykitty

Maya, I really like this post. I didn't see it before, but i'm glad i found it today.

I remember all the ways I used to "manipulate" my ex, with comments, suggestions, rolling the eyes, silent treatments, withholding affection, etc... that was not detachment. I'm so glad I realized it, and did something about my unacceptable behavior, i'm in a much better place now. No more denial. I fully accept that there is nothing I could have done or could do in the future to change his drinking, smoking, whatever. All I can do is change how I react to it, and it's role in my life.

Thanks again Maya!