NGall29

This is going to be long, I apologize in advance if I repeat myself. I've barely slept in three days. I'm exhausted.

I've been married to my husband for almost four years. We have a 3 year old and one on the way. We had a whirlwind relationship, got married and had our first child very quickly. I thought I had found the love of my life. He's handsome, smart, charming, loving, a good dad, romantic, loyal, etc. He's also a binge drinker. For the first three years of our marriage, he would binge about every four months. When he did, it was chaos for me. He gets very mean when he's drunk. He says the most horrible, unimaginable things. At the end of 2009, after a good five months of not drinking, he came home very drunk and pushed me. I left, moved in with my parents for five months, several hours away from him. He was really lonely without his family, and he tried to show me he could stop drinking. He did well until the end, when he went on a two-week binge and lost all of his clients. He checked into rehab, and swore off drinking. He didn't drink for an entire year. He did that on his own, wouldn't do AA because it's too religious for him. He's from the UK and says he doesn't believe in therapy either. He tried it for me a few times, but said it was pointless.

I foolishly believed he was done drinking. It seemed so easy for him. Over the past year, we've gotten financially stable, set-up a cute little house in a new town, made friends, and worked on things. I've recently started seeing a psychologist for my codependency issues. I've been feeling great and enjoying my pregnancy. I could finally relax with my husband in social situations, because he wouldn't drink. It was actually fun to go to parties with him again. He's been sweet and loving. We take our son to the park together. It felt like a happy family again.

About ten days ago, he decided he could have a few beers with his friends and be fine. He said he felt like his head is clear now and that he won't have the same issues anymore, he'd conquered it. I told him it's his decision, that I can't be his mommy. But that it made me nervous. The first few times went fine.

Wednesday night, he went to the pub with friends after soccer. I stopped hearing from him at about 1:30am. He came home at 3:30, completely wasted. He had that look in his eye. Our son woke up to the lights on, and my husband calling me names. He was so scared. My husband got into bed and put his arm around our son, and wouldn't let go. I could see the fear in our little boy's eyes. I had to get him away, so I tried to take him. My husband reached up and hit me in the face, and then grabbed my throat briefly. I was in total shock. I screamed and woke up my cousin, who is staying with us. I told her to call 911, and they came quickly. They had me take my son and leave.

I've been gone for a few days. My husband is still drunk. He keeps calling and harassing me. He is so far gone. He calls and forgets he's on the phone. He starts screaming, making threats. He's done this all before, and he never actually does anything, but it still really scares me. He's like a different person. I can't even describe it. It's vile and evil. He rages and tells me how damaged I am, and how he hates me. He says I betrayed him by getting the police involved, that it's the worst thing I could do to him. This is the same person who a week ago told me he loves me with all of his heart and he's so glad he married me. He tells me I'm beautiful every day. This is so maddening. I only answer the phone because I'm worried what will happen to him. I can't talk to anyone about this. I don't want to tell my family everything. I know he's going to snap out of this Monday when he has to work. Hopefully. But how can I ever go back now? After this? He's ruined everything. That house is ruined for me now, too. Bad memories like every other place.

What am I going to do with a new baby? Why can't he get himself together? Am I crazy to think he could? He told me if he ever did this again that he would never try alcohol again. But too much damage has been done. Why do I still love him or care about him? Has anyone else dealt with someone like this? He has anxiety a lot, and when he drinks, he starts telling me that he's done things in his life, years ago, that he can never forgive himself for, that he thinks about it daily, that he can't sleep...what is wrong with him? What do I do? Just leave him forever and give up? I have to think about my kids. I don't want to ruin their lives if I stay with their dad. It is so hard to give up. The thing is, even if he did change, I could never stop worrying, could I? I could never let him go anywhere without me. I would always be afraid. It is so sad to think of letting him go. I love him so much. I love who he is 99 percent of the time. But I know that I've put myself here. Bad decisions.

I am so sad, deeply sad. I think about my baby and being alone. I feel like it's my fault. I should never have gotten pregnant again, I know that. But it's too late and I have to survive. I'm in so much pain. I can't even tell you. Has anyone here gone through this? What is wrong with my husband? Why a year of peace, and now this?

Dee74

Hi Ngall

I've never been through this so I'll leave it to those who have, but I wanted to welcome you to SR

You'll find a lot of support and wisdom here

S

suki44883

Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. Read the stickies at the top of the forum for some helpful information.

What is wrong with your husband? He is an alcoholic, and a violent one. Neither you nor your son deserve to live like that. Believe it or not, your stress affects the child you are carrying. It isn't good to live in such a volatile situation, even if you weren't pregnant.

Not only is alcoholism progressive, so is domestic abuse. You don't say whether or not he has been abusive prior to this latest incident, but in any case, now that it has happened, you can be sure it will happen again. Abuse cannot be totally blamed on alcohol. Many, many men drink and never once abuse their wives.

For your sake and especially that of your children, I hope you will seek professional help for your situation. Also, not taking his calls or texts will help you to clear your head. You have no control over what happens to him. He's an adult and can make his own decisions, good or bad. Take care of yourself, your son, and your unborn child. That is where your obligation lies.

P.S. to add: If you find yourself feeling sorry for your husband, just remember that look of terror in your little boy's eyes. He cannot change his situation, but you can. God bless.

barb dwyer

Welcome to SR.

I'm sorry for the reason you're here,
but I am glad that you are here.

I am first relieved that you are safe
and I hope you will stay that way.

I can't stress enough the need for you to have support
in the real world
as well as the support and understanding that the people here
at SR can give.
Whether you attend a support group
maybe provided by your county
or you find an alanon group in your area
please please please seek the help
of those in your immediate area
who can offer you their experience
because what you're describing
will not get better without outside help.

I'm so glad you're here.
I'm so glad your son is not hurt.

I hope you'll keep posting
and reading here at the forum.

Welcome.

You're not alone.

MsCooterBrown

In my case..it started with punching holes in walls. Then pushing me into the wall.....the grand finale was ending up in the ER with a broken nose and bruises all over my body. I consider myself lucky because I have seen the look you describe..not only in the eyes but his veins would buldge in his temples and neck. Nothing to mess around with.
You described getting pushed in an earlier event..then he hit and choked you. You are pregnant..they should have at least slapped him with aggravated battery.

Please get help. You need to take care of you..your unborn child..and your sweet 3 year old. These people do not change..it will only escalate. And I agree..his alcoholism is just the icing on the cake to his violence. People that are violent have deep seeded issues and it is heartbreaking that we don't see them before we are in over our heads!
Please realize that it can and most likely WILL get worse. I wish you peace.

chicory

I , too, am glad that you and your sweet son are ok. It must have been terrifying. I absolutely believe that you did the right thing, calling 911, and getting out of there.

I know this must hurt terribly. But the most important thing is the safety and mental health of you and your babies.

So many people have been or are in the situation you are in. You are surely not alone! And one true fact is , you can't change him, and cannot trust him, he has shown you that. I think you sound very wise. Trust your instincts, and nothing that he says. his disease will be talking , for a long time.

I would encourage you to focus on yourself, your son, and the coming baby. You need your strength, peace of mind, and safety. And let him take care of fixing his self. Your son is young. This frightening experience can be gotten over , with loving care and time, for your little guy. But if he had to go through that sort of thing, over and again, it would be so horrible. They are so precious and innocent, and deserve so much more than a parent who would risk hurting his child, and wife, and unborn baby.

Dont take his calls. He has nothing to offer you right now, but more anxiety. Please if you can, just do for you and those babies. and let him suffer the consequences of his actions. maybe he will get help, maybe he wont admit he needs it. but you and those babies matter the most, so put him in his Higher Powers hands, and let go.

Take care, stay safe, and please, dont trust him . He is in a sick place now. And surely NOT a safe place for you.
so glad that you are here. Remember- take it a day at a time. Things have a way of working out, and you are a good momma. If your parents knew, they would probably want to help you, right now especially. You need some security, and peace.

we are here for you,
chicory

keepinon

Yes..he is the double whammy.. an abuser and active alcoholic.Protecting your kids is the #1 priority here (and yourself of course).It must be very overwhelming right now..alanon and your local womens shelter can help you understand and cope with what you are going through.Take care of your little family and be really gentle with yourself.Do you have support from family and friends?

lillamy

Baby,

You can do this. Deep breaths and one foot in front of the other.
It's a nightmare. It is. But you are going to walk through it with your head held high. I am so, so, so thrilled that you've been seeing a therapist for the codie stuff -- that'll be tremendously helpful. I swear four years in Al-Anon was a lifesaver for me the night I left my AH (now AXH) after he threatened me and the kids.

The whirlwind in your head is going to be there for a while, but we humans are tremendously amazing at adapting. The stress you don't think you can live with for another day will be so normal in a week that you don't feel it as stress. It's sick and devastating, but you will be able to get through it, and you will rest as needed and you WILL be able to handle it. Trust me on this.

You still love him and care about him because you know the other side of him, the one that's not abusive. And you're doubly hurt, because he hurt you and because you don't want him to be that evil nasty drunk. The second part, you can't do anything about. The first, you can. And -- and I don't use this word lightly -- should.

You and your precious babies are worth better. Back away, stay with your folks, or kick him out of the house (you do have that right). Set boundaries for your interaction or stop interacting. It's too much to handle at once, so just handle what you have to, for now.

I wish I could say the magic words that would help, but I don't have them. But know that you are among people who know what you're going through here. Keep posting and we'll keep listening and saying some stuff that's helpful and some stuff that isn't, but you're NOT alone. Just know that.

kittykitty

Welcome, and hugs to you, hugs, and welcome to the group.

I'm so glad you got yourself out of that situation. There is no point in talking to or interacting with him right now, while he is drinking. Trying to have a conversation with someone who is actively engaging in their addiction is a waste of time and precious energy, energy that you need to stay strong for your family.

No matter what he says:
You didn't cause this
You can't control this
You can't cure this.

Making the decisions you made as a result of his actions was for your well being, not to punish him. You did what you had to do to protect yourself and your children, born and unborn. What he experiences now are the consequences of HIS actions and decisions, not yours. I am a big advocate of giving others the dignity and respect to live their lives as they want to, and that includes letting them deal with the consequences of their actions.

I know how hard it is to love 90% of a person. Some people can do it, some people can't. It's one thing if they want to become the good person 100% of the time, and put in the time and effort it takes to recover from the disease. But it looks like he doesn't want to, or isn't ready yet. When they can convince themselves that just drinking once in a while is something they can handle, all that means to me is they haven't accepted their disease yet. It takes total surrender to recover from alcoholism (as well as codependancy, which is what I am here for, among other things) and until he figures it out himself, there is NOTHING you can say or do to make him see it. In the meantime, stay out of his way. Without true recovery, it never gets better, it always gets worse, as you can find on here with many other's experiences.

Note about the kids: I am a child of an alcoholic, and I can't begin to tell you the ways it affected me growing up, and the person I turned into in my adult life. I'm in my own recovery from it, which is how I found SR. I'm getting better every day, but i wouldn't wish that kind of upbringing on anyone. The kids don't have a choice ~ you do.

There is so much to learn here, so glad you found us. We really care here, and know what you are going through. Please read and respond as much as you want, we are all here for you!

Babyblue

You did the right thing, it no doubt will be tough but when you start to question yourself, remember that you wouldn't allow a stranger to do this to your son. You are protecting your child, yourself and the unborn child.

That above all else is the most important thing. The rest will sort itself out.

As others pointed out, violence escalates and not all men who are alcoholics are violent. That is the more immediate concern for you and your kids. And you are handling it very very well and are doing all the right things.

sandrawg

Your husband sounds like my ex. Because they are binge drinkers and don't feel the need to drink every day, they can deny their alcoholism. Make no bones about it tho, they are alcoholics.

The first time I dealt with my ex's violent tendencies was New Year's 2008. He got wasted and we got into a fight about him flirting w some girls at the bar. He ended up toppling a bunch of chairs off some tables at a restaurant patio, and the cops came over. I talked them out of arresting him (nowI wish I hadn't.)

There were many subsequent incidents. He's been violent towards me when he's not drunk, but drinking definitely made him more likely to. I've had my phone smashed. A hole punched in my wall with his keyboard. My last straw was him putting his gun in his mouth over th ephone to me during a drunken argument.

That was my bottom.

I told him, stop drinking or I walk. And he let me walk. Where is he now? still drinking. Going to bars even more now. Back with a loser exgf who's a pot addict, he kept as a backup.It's really pathetic. Had I stuck around he'd have dragged me down into his abyss. These are not happy people. I suspect my ex has some mental illness.

That's a nice thing to think, huh? A guy with 2 guns and a drinking problem and a mental illness. Alcoholism is progressive. If you H and my ex don't get help, it will only get worse.

I HAD to get away.

lizisme

Wow I felt like you were writing my story! I fell in love very quickly, had kids and not long after we both got stuck into addictive substances. I stopped, he never could. He was a psycho drunk, a completely different person, would say all sorts of despicable things to me and how it was all my fault he is the way he is. Our kids were very young when I left. I went back several times. I now have a restraining order out against him, and guess what...I still love him. But I deserve better, our kids deserve better and so do you. Take care of yourself and those beautiful kids. I have been raising our kids on my own for a year now, sure there are times when I wish there was someone around...but in all honesty we are better off and much MUCH happier!

LexieCat

Hi,

Glad you're here with us. You've gotten some GREAT advice on this thread. The alcoholism and the violence will not get better on its own.

I strongly suggest you get a restraining order. If he calls you he would be violating the order and subject to immediate arrest. Your safety and peace of mind (and that of your child and future child) are paramount right now.

Recovery for him IS possible, but it doesn't sound like he is ready to quit drinking just yet. You have to assume, at this point, that the cycle will continue. Chances are that when his head clears he will be full of regret and remorse and promises. You had that before--it wasn't enough to keep you safe.

I also suggest that you cooperate fully with any charges the police or prosecutor my pursue. They are not restricted by what you decide, and they SHOULD charge him with aggravated assault and possibly child endangerment--violence is EXTREMELY harmful for children to witness. Let him experience the consequences of his actions.

Hugs, I'm glad you've got some support. I hope you will try Al-Anon, too--it has been a life-saver for a lot of us.

Tuffgirl

Welcome! I hope you keep coming back - you'll begin to understand what is really wrong with your husband and that you are not alone in this - not by a long shot.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son ~ what a horrible situation. I am very sorry for your pain.

Carol Star

I was the scared little kid with the angry father. Please get your children safe and do not go back. Do not believe the promises or lies. You were right to call the police. YOU were RIGHT ! My marriage ended but I am fine. MY therapist who saw me and my XAH said he should do 90 meetings in 90 days or we should seperate. My x would not stop drinking and would not go to meetings. The religious excuse crap is an excuse. They(AA) say a prayer at the beginning and at the end of the meeting. The founder of AA Bill Wilson started out an agnostic. Please do not go back to this man who would rather be an abusive drunk than a responsible father and husband. Read about domestic violence. Read SR and realize we have all been there. Addiction is progressive. We cannot change them. Please do not engage with him when he is drinking. Watch their actions not what they say.

NGall29

Thank you all for the advice. It's good to know someone understands. It is so hard to watch him do this. He has work tomorrow and I know he's still drinking. It took a year for him to rebuild after losing all of his clients. Now it will probably happen again. Part of me wants to go home and check on him and get him to stop but he's so up and down I can't put myself in that position. I feel helpless.

OklaBH

Praying for you!

Grnmtn1

I'm so sorry you and your child(ren) are going through this. Don't go over there, it won't help anything, may add fuel to his fire and put you in harms way. Frankly, he may not even remember your visit. You aren't helpless, you are taking care of you and your kids right now and that's what's most important. Remember, they don't have a choice here you are the adult that has to help guide them and protect them, which includes protecting you. He is also an adult and he is making his choices right now. I am learning about boundaries to protect myself and it's taken me a long time to learn that nomatter what I do, I can't change my alcoholic friends behavior. You are not alone. Keep posting and asking questions, you will get lots of support here.

wanttobehealthy

NGall29,
My heart just goes out to you so much. I would be scared and confused too especially with a little one and new baby on the way-- that's too much for anyone. Do you have family and friends who can help you (both emotionally, housing wise, financially if necessary, help with the kids etc...?)

I have a 5 yr old and 3 yr old. My H's drinking got really really bad when I was pregnant with my 3 yr old. I've never said this out loud but I feel like I should share this for your sake bc I wish someone had told me this back then... the stress that I felt throughout my pregnancy with her, the verbal abuse I went through with both my AH and his family during my pregnancy with her-- I really, really wonder a lot just how much my stress impacted her. She has a lot of behavioral issues, can't regulate herself or self soothe, gets frighteningly out of control at times and I feel immense, crushing guilt for not doing something, many things, differently when I was pregnant with her (ie: leaving). I told myself (bc I believed it at the time) that my H's behavior was bc of work stress, stress of both of us working full time with a toddler and new baby on the way-- I attached his behavior to anything but his drinking and I wouldn't let myself believe it was abusive.

The impact my choices have had on my kids is something I will have to live with forever and I work really really hard with D3 to help her better manage her emotions (and she's in T with D5).

I share all of this bc I was you (minus the physical abuse) 3 yrs ago and I wish someone had shaken me and told me to get the hell out if not for my sake then for my kids sake.

I am sure that when you H sobers up it will be apologies and promises and when I've been in your shoes I've believed those promises and returned more times than I care to admit. Nothing changed, things got worse and it has taken me 3 full years since D3's birth to decide to leave him.

Please come here often and talk to us and tell yourself that you and your kids deserve a better life than your current one is with your H. That doesn't mean you have to close the door to considering reconciling-- just give yourself and your kids space to be safe and healthy and stress free and take time to make decisions...

This all comes from the heart as someone who saw way too much of myself in your post and feels intense guilt for what I put my unborn child and toddler at the time through because I was too blind or in too much denial to see that staying was dangerous to us all.

My heart goes out to you--

Sylvie66

I'm so sorry. Feeling overwhelmed and scared is only short-term! Things will get better. All I can offer is my own story: I've been married to an abuser, and I just walked away from a mean alcoholic boyfriend.

This is the reality for me about the abuse: As painful as it is to leave, as terrifying as it is to be pregnant and have a toddler and feel like you have no support..... Leave. Don't look back until your safety, and your children's safety are well in hand. My abusive ex almost killed me. Adding alcohol to that situation would have been fatal. Get immediate, on the ground help.

Read the sticky on the forum about abuse. Come back and post. Do not go back. If you feel like going back, go to the police. They will either talk you down, or send an officer with you. It's their job, it's okay. They'd rather you walk in crying and feeling helpless than finding you too late.

You're only helpless over his behavior, so stay away from him, and decide on your own actions. Be numb, be decisive.

It's been 16 years since I faced down a gun - don't go back.

- Sylvie
(my kids are now 22, 19, and 17; I had nothing then except them. It gets better.)