boyfriend's mother is an alcoholic
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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boyfriend's mother is an alcoholic
This may be offensive to some alcoholics, please be advised.
I am in a nearly three year relationship with my boyfriend (J) whose "mother" is a full blown alcoholic and I don't know how to handle the situation anymore.
Some background:
She walked away from her husband, and abandoned her two children at the ages of 4 and 6 because she'd rather drink. She would call on the telephone drunk, saying she would pick them up to visit. They would pack up their things, get ready, only to have be left waiting without a "mother" in sight.
I heard these things from J's grandmother - not J himself. He did let me know that his mother walked out, but did not tell me the other things she has done over the years.
My boyfriend says he forgives her for her walking away. Okay, fine. The thing is, is that she shows no desire whatsoever to change. She recently had a three month stay in the hospital due to pneumonia which wasn't caught early enough, so it in turn caused one of her heart valves to become infected resulting in its destruction, and subsequently needing an artificial replacement. Then she needed a pacemaker. During her inpatient stay, my boyfriend was completely devoted to her - visited her, talked to her over the phone, brought her things. Naturally she couldn't drink (or smoke - she's a smoker), and she said she was done with the alcohol and cigarettes, would never go back. J can't see the writing on the wall.
Needless to say, a few weeks after being discharged, she's drunk. Then another week, she is at a bar. My boyfriend tells her, "Call me when you decide to get some help." Don't let that fool you - by no means was it an ultimatum. He tells me his "mother" will always be part of his life. A "mother" who has the title, with no characteristics of what a mother truly is.
I told her he needs to cut her off. That it isn't fair to him to have to be constantly lied to, to put up with her extreme level of selfishness, etc. He sidesteps the truth instead of resorting to tough love. The day he gave her the pseudo-ultimatum, he also told her, "Go ahead and drink with your alcoholic friends." Later that same night, she called (I told him not to answer), he apologized for saying that. She says she will call a rehab center.
She does this past Friday (or so she claims), and claims that they have no occupancy. Then she calls a therapist (so she claims) yesterday, saying that this person isn't taking anyone at the moment. Basically, this woman is in control, and she is unfit to be in control. Neither rehab nor a therapist will work and the reason being.......... She has an alcoholic husband who does not want to change either, even though his liver was starting to fail 8 months ago, and he had peripheral edema. Unless she leaves her husband, she will never get better. She will not leave him. I have not told my boyfriend this, he does not want to hear anything to dash his high hopes. Even if she were to go to therapy, that is not a commitment. She can come and go as she pleases.
My boyfriend believes her lies, indulges her selfishness, believes she loves him, even though the alcohol is #1, coddles her.
He is not willing to modify his behavior, even though he needs to for his sanity, and for his mother (even though I think she's a lost cause). I haven't told him that, either. He continues sidestepping, avoiding, placating, and where has that gotten him and her? Him struggling to deal with an absentee mother who is destroying herself, and her, well, destroying herself. Tough love with a genuine ultimatum is the only option, and while there's no guarantee that will result in change, there is absolute ZERO chance that things will change if J continues treating his mother so delicately.
I could go on about other things she's said/done, excuses she continues to make, but likely the point has been made.
My question is this -- how do I deal with such people? An alcoholic who doesn't care about her kids, her health, and an enabler? I have to remain tight lipped, and it's very hard. I have to visit this woman from time to time. After all she's done to my boyfriend and continues to do, how do I look past it for my boyfriend's sake? Is it my duty as his girlfriend to looks past it? He has it set in his mind that what he is doing is the right thing, and anything I can say, no matter how tactfully will be viewed as being too harsh, because though my words and tone may not be, the act of cutting out a family member, or at the very least being firm, no matter how horrible they are, is out of the question. The only thing I feel entitled to say is, "Don't get your hopes up." I hate to see him hurt, but my solutions are not his.
Am I viewing this all wrong? Help.
I am in a nearly three year relationship with my boyfriend (J) whose "mother" is a full blown alcoholic and I don't know how to handle the situation anymore.
Some background:
She walked away from her husband, and abandoned her two children at the ages of 4 and 6 because she'd rather drink. She would call on the telephone drunk, saying she would pick them up to visit. They would pack up their things, get ready, only to have be left waiting without a "mother" in sight.
I heard these things from J's grandmother - not J himself. He did let me know that his mother walked out, but did not tell me the other things she has done over the years.
My boyfriend says he forgives her for her walking away. Okay, fine. The thing is, is that she shows no desire whatsoever to change. She recently had a three month stay in the hospital due to pneumonia which wasn't caught early enough, so it in turn caused one of her heart valves to become infected resulting in its destruction, and subsequently needing an artificial replacement. Then she needed a pacemaker. During her inpatient stay, my boyfriend was completely devoted to her - visited her, talked to her over the phone, brought her things. Naturally she couldn't drink (or smoke - she's a smoker), and she said she was done with the alcohol and cigarettes, would never go back. J can't see the writing on the wall.
Needless to say, a few weeks after being discharged, she's drunk. Then another week, she is at a bar. My boyfriend tells her, "Call me when you decide to get some help." Don't let that fool you - by no means was it an ultimatum. He tells me his "mother" will always be part of his life. A "mother" who has the title, with no characteristics of what a mother truly is.
I told her he needs to cut her off. That it isn't fair to him to have to be constantly lied to, to put up with her extreme level of selfishness, etc. He sidesteps the truth instead of resorting to tough love. The day he gave her the pseudo-ultimatum, he also told her, "Go ahead and drink with your alcoholic friends." Later that same night, she called (I told him not to answer), he apologized for saying that. She says she will call a rehab center.
She does this past Friday (or so she claims), and claims that they have no occupancy. Then she calls a therapist (so she claims) yesterday, saying that this person isn't taking anyone at the moment. Basically, this woman is in control, and she is unfit to be in control. Neither rehab nor a therapist will work and the reason being.......... She has an alcoholic husband who does not want to change either, even though his liver was starting to fail 8 months ago, and he had peripheral edema. Unless she leaves her husband, she will never get better. She will not leave him. I have not told my boyfriend this, he does not want to hear anything to dash his high hopes. Even if she were to go to therapy, that is not a commitment. She can come and go as she pleases.
My boyfriend believes her lies, indulges her selfishness, believes she loves him, even though the alcohol is #1, coddles her.
He is not willing to modify his behavior, even though he needs to for his sanity, and for his mother (even though I think she's a lost cause). I haven't told him that, either. He continues sidestepping, avoiding, placating, and where has that gotten him and her? Him struggling to deal with an absentee mother who is destroying herself, and her, well, destroying herself. Tough love with a genuine ultimatum is the only option, and while there's no guarantee that will result in change, there is absolute ZERO chance that things will change if J continues treating his mother so delicately.
I could go on about other things she's said/done, excuses she continues to make, but likely the point has been made.
My question is this -- how do I deal with such people? An alcoholic who doesn't care about her kids, her health, and an enabler? I have to remain tight lipped, and it's very hard. I have to visit this woman from time to time. After all she's done to my boyfriend and continues to do, how do I look past it for my boyfriend's sake? Is it my duty as his girlfriend to looks past it? He has it set in his mind that what he is doing is the right thing, and anything I can say, no matter how tactfully will be viewed as being too harsh, because though my words and tone may not be, the act of cutting out a family member, or at the very least being firm, no matter how horrible they are, is out of the question. The only thing I feel entitled to say is, "Don't get your hopes up." I hate to see him hurt, but my solutions are not his.
Am I viewing this all wrong? Help.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi Oinker and welcome to SR!
(love the handle btw)
had a cat named oinker...
anyhow - welcome!
I understand about this situation
and I know it can be maddening
especially when you are *in* the life as well
and not just watching from a 'friend' perspective.
The approach *I* had to learn
was where did *I* need to be in *my* head
in order to continue to function
while all this disruption
was going on all around me?
I think your last two sentences were wise ones.
hard to DO....
but wise just the same.
Welcome to the forum
I hope you make friends here
and get the support you need
to find your place in the situation!
(love the handle btw)
had a cat named oinker...
anyhow - welcome!
I understand about this situation
and I know it can be maddening
especially when you are *in* the life as well
and not just watching from a 'friend' perspective.
The approach *I* had to learn
was where did *I* need to be in *my* head
in order to continue to function
while all this disruption
was going on all around me?
I think your last two sentences were wise ones.
hard to DO....
but wise just the same.
Welcome to the forum
I hope you make friends here
and get the support you need
to find your place in the situation!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I have discovered there is no "right time" to make a change in my own life, until I decide that I am ready.
It is the same for everyone
The same answer may look completely incorrect today, and be exactly the right thing to do when next week arrives, and the only difference between the two is where I stand.
Your boyfriend is a grown adult.
He has the right and the responsibility to make his own decisions.
As a part of his life, you do have the right to voice your concerns, which you have done.
Now it's up to him. You cannot change his behavior, you can only change your own.
And if his behavior starts to negatively affect you, then you will have to determine what you are ready to do about that, but until then your part is done.
In the meantime, since his mother's drinking is impacting you (albeit more indirectly than it is affecting him), may I suggest attending Al-Anon?
I have found it a wonderful haven of understanding people who have been where I have been, who are going where I want to go, and who can help me "keep the faith" on my own journey of self-discovery.
It is the same for everyone
The same answer may look completely incorrect today, and be exactly the right thing to do when next week arrives, and the only difference between the two is where I stand.
Your boyfriend is a grown adult.
He has the right and the responsibility to make his own decisions.
As a part of his life, you do have the right to voice your concerns, which you have done.
Now it's up to him. You cannot change his behavior, you can only change your own.
And if his behavior starts to negatively affect you, then you will have to determine what you are ready to do about that, but until then your part is done.
In the meantime, since his mother's drinking is impacting you (albeit more indirectly than it is affecting him), may I suggest attending Al-Anon?
I have found it a wonderful haven of understanding people who have been where I have been, who are going where I want to go, and who can help me "keep the faith" on my own journey of self-discovery.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Sigh.
Reminds me of all the times I was squawking to my exabf's parents to try to get them to see their son's disease. I kid you not, I got met with the same response. "J knows he was out of control for a little while, but he's better now."
As if spinning out of control on binges once every few months is normal.
Yup-don't get in the middle. Gotta let things take their course. If it were me, anytime your bf complains about his mom I'd say, "I know. I'm sorry." And not get caught up in the drama or arguments. When it gets bad enough for him, he might find his way to al-anon but you can't push anyone.
Reminds me of all the times I was squawking to my exabf's parents to try to get them to see their son's disease. I kid you not, I got met with the same response. "J knows he was out of control for a little while, but he's better now."
As if spinning out of control on binges once every few months is normal.
Yup-don't get in the middle. Gotta let things take their course. If it were me, anytime your bf complains about his mom I'd say, "I know. I'm sorry." And not get caught up in the drama or arguments. When it gets bad enough for him, he might find his way to al-anon but you can't push anyone.
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
two places to never try and wedge yourself between......an alcoholic and their bottle and a parent and their ADULT child.
hello and welcome. i hear the concern in your post, and it's a sad tragic situation. however his relationship with his mother is his business - even if to you it's like watching the scary movie where they always go to FIND OUT what the noise was??? and we're like sitting there saying NO NO, don't go!!!
you've shared with your bf your concerns. that's all you can do. once. this is his treacherous rocky path to walk. if you are uncomfortable around the woman, you have every right to limit contact.
hello and welcome. i hear the concern in your post, and it's a sad tragic situation. however his relationship with his mother is his business - even if to you it's like watching the scary movie where they always go to FIND OUT what the noise was??? and we're like sitting there saying NO NO, don't go!!!
you've shared with your bf your concerns. that's all you can do. once. this is his treacherous rocky path to walk. if you are uncomfortable around the woman, you have every right to limit contact.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Oinker,
It appears to me the problem is not his mother, but rather between you and your boyfriend. It sounds that while he might wish that his mother acted differently, he's content enough with the status quo to not change how he interacts with her. And it would seem from your post that his handling it is not up to your standards.
She's an alcoholic, she may never change. He's her son, and that will never change. How much of either is in your control?
It appears to me the problem is not his mother, but rather between you and your boyfriend. It sounds that while he might wish that his mother acted differently, he's content enough with the status quo to not change how he interacts with her. And it would seem from your post that his handling it is not up to your standards.
She's an alcoholic, she may never change. He's her son, and that will never change. How much of either is in your control?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: London area
Posts: 98
Oinker
I have a mother who was a terrible parent and an abusive parent. I know intellectually that she does not deserve to be in my life - BUT she is my mother and I just cannot turn my back on her. My husband sometimes gets exasperated but at the end of the day it is my relationship and not his. He supports my efforts with my mum and without this I would find my interaction with her so much more difficult. His gentle support and validation of my feelings is a god send. I do not doubt how difficult the situation is for you and you have actually made me think a little about how my other half feels. As he is so fond of saying "if it not one thing its your mother".
I have a mother who was a terrible parent and an abusive parent. I know intellectually that she does not deserve to be in my life - BUT she is my mother and I just cannot turn my back on her. My husband sometimes gets exasperated but at the end of the day it is my relationship and not his. He supports my efforts with my mum and without this I would find my interaction with her so much more difficult. His gentle support and validation of my feelings is a god send. I do not doubt how difficult the situation is for you and you have actually made me think a little about how my other half feels. As he is so fond of saying "if it not one thing its your mother".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3
Thank you all for the prompt and helpful responses.
StarCat, your suggestion is appreciated. I have considered Al-anon and will keep it in my mind should this continue impacting my life and/or relationship. I'd like to present the idea to my boyfriend as well.
Eddie - you are absolutely right, he is not behaving as I would prefer (I'm on the fence as to whether or not it's "standards"). I do think there's hope, but don't believe it can be had by continuing on with the "status quo." It's quite frustrating, and sometimes it's hard to hide my frustration. Although what seems to be necessary is to deal with the frustration rather than exposing it to my boyfriend. He has enough to deal with, and my perspective isn't something he finds helpful. It's a push-pull, where part of me wants to vent this frustration, and the other part wants to try to tell him things so he won't get hurt even further. Maybe I'm doing some coddling as well? He is in charge of what he exposes himself to, after all. He knows the feelings that will result. But venting my frustrations is completely ego driven and needs to stop. I do not want to be critical, and although it's hard to be supportive, it's the constructive thing to do.
I will back out.
P.S.
barb - I'm a cat lover also
StarCat, your suggestion is appreciated. I have considered Al-anon and will keep it in my mind should this continue impacting my life and/or relationship. I'd like to present the idea to my boyfriend as well.
Eddie - you are absolutely right, he is not behaving as I would prefer (I'm on the fence as to whether or not it's "standards"). I do think there's hope, but don't believe it can be had by continuing on with the "status quo." It's quite frustrating, and sometimes it's hard to hide my frustration. Although what seems to be necessary is to deal with the frustration rather than exposing it to my boyfriend. He has enough to deal with, and my perspective isn't something he finds helpful. It's a push-pull, where part of me wants to vent this frustration, and the other part wants to try to tell him things so he won't get hurt even further. Maybe I'm doing some coddling as well? He is in charge of what he exposes himself to, after all. He knows the feelings that will result. But venting my frustrations is completely ego driven and needs to stop. I do not want to be critical, and although it's hard to be supportive, it's the constructive thing to do.
I will back out.
P.S.
barb - I'm a cat lover also
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Please don't "consider" Alanon...
...that's just another way to say, "thanks for the suggestion, I'll now ignore it." Please check out this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...self-test.html
Now instead of considering Alanon, please give it, and yourself, a chance. Try at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if it's for you. What's the risk? Happiness? There's nothing to lose, and oh so much to gain.
And, if there is an ACOA meeting in your area please present it as an option to your boyfriend...then drop it. His recovery from the effects of alchoholism is his, and yours is yours (and it is crystal clear you are affected by it-- at the very least through him and his mother's relationship). Plus, you wouldn't have posted here to begin with.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...self-test.html
Now instead of considering Alanon, please give it, and yourself, a chance. Try at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if it's for you. What's the risk? Happiness? There's nothing to lose, and oh so much to gain.
And, if there is an ACOA meeting in your area please present it as an option to your boyfriend...then drop it. His recovery from the effects of alchoholism is his, and yours is yours (and it is crystal clear you are affected by it-- at the very least through him and his mother's relationship). Plus, you wouldn't have posted here to begin with.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by oinker
Thank you all for the prompt and helpful responses.
StarCat, your suggestion is appreciated. I have considered Al-anon and will keep it in my mind should this continue impacting my life and/or relationship. I'd like to present the idea to my boyfriend as well.
Eddie - you are absolutely right, he is not behaving as I would prefer (I'm on the fence as to whether or not it's "standards"). I do think there's hope, but don't believe it can be had by continuing on with the "status quo." It's quite frustrating, and sometimes it's hard to hide my frustration. Although what seems to be necessary is to deal with the frustration rather than exposing it to my boyfriend. He has enough to deal with, and my perspective isn't something he finds helpful. It's a push-pull, where part of me wants to vent this frustration, and the other part wants to try to tell him things so he won't get hurt even further. Maybe I'm doing some coddling as well? He is in charge of what he exposes himself to, after all. He knows the feelings that will result. But venting my frustrations is completely ego driven and needs to stop. I do not want to be critical, and although it's hard to be supportive, it's the constructive thing to do.
I will back out.
P.S.
barb - I'm a cat lover also
StarCat, your suggestion is appreciated. I have considered Al-anon and will keep it in my mind should this continue impacting my life and/or relationship. I'd like to present the idea to my boyfriend as well.
Eddie - you are absolutely right, he is not behaving as I would prefer (I'm on the fence as to whether or not it's "standards"). I do think there's hope, but don't believe it can be had by continuing on with the "status quo." It's quite frustrating, and sometimes it's hard to hide my frustration. Although what seems to be necessary is to deal with the frustration rather than exposing it to my boyfriend. He has enough to deal with, and my perspective isn't something he finds helpful. It's a push-pull, where part of me wants to vent this frustration, and the other part wants to try to tell him things so he won't get hurt even further. Maybe I'm doing some coddling as well? He is in charge of what he exposes himself to, after all. He knows the feelings that will result. But venting my frustrations is completely ego driven and needs to stop. I do not want to be critical, and although it's hard to be supportive, it's the constructive thing to do.
I will back out.
P.S.
barb - I'm a cat lover also
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
...that's just another way to say, "thanks for the suggestion, I'll now ignore it." Please check out this thread
if there is an ACOA meeting in your area please present it as an option to your boyfriend...then drop it.
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