Ghostly

I posted a couple days ago about problems with my sister and got some great responses. I am in recovery myself, but new to Al-Anon. The responses to my OP were great, and really opened up my way of thinking. They also raised more questions for me.

I was hoping to ask those questions here. These are probably asked a million times around here, so I really appreciate your patience. I will look into other resources, such as books, but also want to get feedback from some of you. I am absolutely sincere with my wanting advice. I am not suggesting anyone should do, or have done, anything different with a loved one or family member.

My main question is how do you know when it is enabling vs. helping?

I mean, lets say someone needs money for a security deposit for an apartment. This place is close to AA meetings, and they tell you they will go to meetings, and stay sober if they can get in to this apartment. There is alcohol and drugs where they currently live, and it is a horrible environment for them to stay sober at.

However, they have let you down in the past. They also have lived near AA meetings in the past and did not go. That was before they had some success staying sober, and before they had begun getting help. You want to help them get this apartment, but don’t know if it will make a difference. They claim it is the key to their sobriety, but you’ve heard it before.

Would this be enabling them to help them get this apartment? Even if you believe they sincerely want help? Does someone’s desire to get help change whether it’s enabling vs. helping?

Do you believe we should do anything to help a loved one get sober? If so, what does that mean? What is anything, but not enabling?

If a loved one is struggling financially, but not addicted to alcohol / drugs, most of us would help them get housing if we can. Why do we not if they are an alcoholic?

This is what I’m struggling with. The scenario I laid out is similar to one I’m dealing with. Again, I am not saying anyone should do anything, just want to know people’s thoughts. Any comments are appreciated. Like most, if not all, of you can identify with this situation is very difficult to deal with. Lies and excuses are what we've heard for years. Yet, somewhat recently we’ve seen some hope. Now, it’s fading again. I don’t know what to do.

nodaybut2day

The simple answer is:

Enabling: doing something for someone they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves
Helping: doing something for someone they are incapable of doing for themselves.

With regards to your sister, she may SAY she wants to go to meetings, but what is she DOING? What do her actions tell you? From reading your previous thread, I'd say she is CHOOSING her circumstances by choosing to live someplace where there are drugs and alcohol. She could very well go to Salvation Army and get free treatment. But she chooses not to and thinks that she can "do it her way". Has it worked for her so far?

suki44883

I agree with Anvil. The "key" to sobriety is wanting it more than anything and being willing to do anything to achieve it. It doesn't matter where they live or who lives with them. I hope you don't fall for the B.S., because that is what it is.

LaTeeDa

There's a flip-side to this scenario as well. IF you give her money, you are expecting things in return. (meetings, sobriety, etc.) So, it's really not "helping" if there are expectations attached. Helping comes from genuine, unconditional compassion. True helping is altruistic and doesn't expect anything in return. If you can do it from that place, you are helping. If not, you are trying to "buy" the behavior you want. It won't work.

L

Ghostly

Thank you for your responses. You have really opened my eyes. I am glad I posted the two Threads here recently, as I got great information from your responses. I do not know what I will do, but when I read your answers I just think - You're right, you're right, you're right. It was great to hear your honest opinion on this situation.

I have been coming to SR regularly for almost a year, but have not ventured too much in this part of the forum. Clearly there is a caring group here that really helps each other. I hope I am welcome to Post questions here if I need too. Thank you.

TakingCharge999

I am glad you asked, as its easy to fall for manipulation techniques... or to become manipulative, without even knowing.
HUGS!!

Tuffgirl

I am with LaTeeDa... can you afford to help? And do so without any strings and expectations? Because that's the only way here...to give without expecting anything in return. To let go of the outcome.

And boy, I have been there with my own sister - the addict without a substance is now what I am calling her (not to her face). When I do decide to give something (anything) I do so because I want to and expect nothing in return, not because there are strings attached. If I put conditions on what I give, I am sorely disappointed every time.

Sometimes I feel generous and can afford to give. Others...well...she is a big girl...go figure it out like the rest of us have to.

Do what feels right in your gut.

laurie6781

YES

NO

See above NO. The A got herself into this mess and can if she wants recovery get herself out of it. The last one and a half years of my drinking I lived on the streets, and I did hit my bottom. I found recovery because I WANTED recovery and my family did not help me at all.

Do nothing. You can give her the phone number of the Salvation Army as they have a really great Re-hab program that is free, and you can give her the phone number, out of the phone book for Alcoholics Anonymous. Other than that ......................... NOTHING.

As I was told, ........................ it was my problem and I would have to figure it out. At that time I was full blown practicing alkie and had been for 20 1/2 years. My family shut me off. If I called, they hung up, if I came to the door, it was closed in my face and if I had stolen from them they would have called the cops. They did this to SAVE their own SANITY.

It was the BEST thing that my family could have ever done for me.

It's almost 30 years ago now that I found recovery as an A and almost 27 years of AlAnon. When you do anything to 'help' you are only prolonging the A's bottom.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

MeredithD1

I'm new to this board (this will be my 16th post) and I wanted to thank everyone for your words here. They are serving as great reminders for all I've learned in Al Anon.

My recovering AXBF who has been a good friend since we parted ways back in the 80's and who has been sober for 10 years as of January 23, 2011, told me this many moons ago in regard to my AH, "You can cheer him on when he is sober, but you can't judge him and expect it to work well for you."