Oh, those secret lives they lead!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
Oh, those secret lives they lead!
Hello gang! I'm back again, I'm sorry to say.
After my STBXAH and I reconciled in December, things seemed to be going well for us. He wasn't drinking, our lives seemed peaceful, and we were getting along. I found a great therapist, and he even started having sessions on his own, as well as joint sessions with me.
Fast forward to March. He is now working out of town in the oil patch, and things are still going great. Until he calls me one night, drunk out of his mind, after having drinks with the boss.
We were back there again, where I swore I'd never go. He was drunk, belligerent, and just being the soul-sucking leech I remembered. Everything we were working toward felt like a lie. I was devastated.
I then started doing some digging, because the whole relationship started feeling like a sham. I looked up his cell phone bills online, and discovered there have been MANY MANY late night phone-calls and texts pretty much since last fall. He has also been using his browser on his phone for hours at night, which tells me that his porn addiction is back on the scene. I have also discovered a secret email account. Of course, he denies everything, and tries to blame me for being suspicious. But hey--where there's smoke, there's fire. Where there's firetrucks--there's fire. WHERE THERE IS A HOUSE BURNING TO THE GROUND--fire.
So that was it for me. And the strange thing is, I'm not even upset. I feel like a huge burden of lies has been lifted from my life. I feel like the man I knew never was, so I'm left kinda-not-really mourning a relationship I never actually had. It's very bizarre. The thing about infidelity is, it leaves me very cold. Is someone wants to go outside of the relationship, that is a character flaw---especially when they are pretending that things are so grand at home with me. That's about him, being the cool sociopath that he is. So I'm not even upset, because I refuse to take on his crap. I'm just so very, finally DONE. At last! Glaring evidence of infidleity is something I can't come back from. Nor do I wish to.
I feel like I did everything I could for the relationship, and thus I have no regrets. MY love was real. I loved well, and with an open heart. He's the one who smothered the marriage with his mountain of selfish, stinking garbage. That is all his. And it can stay his. HE doesn't get any more of my emotion, time, or tears.
On to bigger and better things! Still planning to leave this city as soon as I can sell my place. In the meantime, just trying to avoid the quacking, lying emails and texts!
After my STBXAH and I reconciled in December, things seemed to be going well for us. He wasn't drinking, our lives seemed peaceful, and we were getting along. I found a great therapist, and he even started having sessions on his own, as well as joint sessions with me.
Fast forward to March. He is now working out of town in the oil patch, and things are still going great. Until he calls me one night, drunk out of his mind, after having drinks with the boss.
We were back there again, where I swore I'd never go. He was drunk, belligerent, and just being the soul-sucking leech I remembered. Everything we were working toward felt like a lie. I was devastated.
I then started doing some digging, because the whole relationship started feeling like a sham. I looked up his cell phone bills online, and discovered there have been MANY MANY late night phone-calls and texts pretty much since last fall. He has also been using his browser on his phone for hours at night, which tells me that his porn addiction is back on the scene. I have also discovered a secret email account. Of course, he denies everything, and tries to blame me for being suspicious. But hey--where there's smoke, there's fire. Where there's firetrucks--there's fire. WHERE THERE IS A HOUSE BURNING TO THE GROUND--fire.
So that was it for me. And the strange thing is, I'm not even upset. I feel like a huge burden of lies has been lifted from my life. I feel like the man I knew never was, so I'm left kinda-not-really mourning a relationship I never actually had. It's very bizarre. The thing about infidelity is, it leaves me very cold. Is someone wants to go outside of the relationship, that is a character flaw---especially when they are pretending that things are so grand at home with me. That's about him, being the cool sociopath that he is. So I'm not even upset, because I refuse to take on his crap. I'm just so very, finally DONE. At last! Glaring evidence of infidleity is something I can't come back from. Nor do I wish to.
I feel like I did everything I could for the relationship, and thus I have no regrets. MY love was real. I loved well, and with an open heart. He's the one who smothered the marriage with his mountain of selfish, stinking garbage. That is all his. And it can stay his. HE doesn't get any more of my emotion, time, or tears.
On to bigger and better things! Still planning to leave this city as soon as I can sell my place. In the meantime, just trying to avoid the quacking, lying emails and texts!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Originally Posted by Paintbaby 
I feel like I did everything I could for the relationship, and thus I have no regrets. MY love was real. I loved well, and with an open heart. He's the one who smothered the marriage with his mountain of selfish, stinking garbage. That is all his. And it can stay his. HE doesn't get any more of my emotion, time, or tears.
I waited, tried to work w him while he was still an active mess.
When he came out, I had had tons of people saying, "dont let him come back. "
I did want to give it everything, so, when/if it did not work out, i wouldnt be able to trick myself with going back out of "what if...If I had only..."
I regret letting him back, see that it was a mistake, because he needed to get on his own feet, and I could have saved my son the confusion and myself shouldering all that fake blame...
But, there is definitely something to letting yourself run it to the END. Then you know. ANd it sounds like you do know...
So for that I am not sorry for you, but happy that you found a path that led you to the truth.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
Thank you, everyone!
He did the one thing I NEVER thought he would do. And it was the fidelity, the faithfulness (that I THOUGHT existed!) that was the only thing that kept me in the game. I never would have stayed with a cheating alcoholic, which he knew. So he really gave a good performance as a faithful husband! Turns out, not so much! Now that I know he was neither in recovery, OR faithful, well--it kind of feels like a gift.
Now I can REALLY leave and not look back, even if he never takes a drink again.
As I said in the email I sent after I disovered his pecadilloes, "Honey, she can HAVE ya!"
He did the one thing I NEVER thought he would do. And it was the fidelity, the faithfulness (that I THOUGHT existed!) that was the only thing that kept me in the game. I never would have stayed with a cheating alcoholic, which he knew. So he really gave a good performance as a faithful husband! Turns out, not so much! Now that I know he was neither in recovery, OR faithful, well--it kind of feels like a gift.
Now I can REALLY leave and not look back, even if he never takes a drink again.As I said in the email I sent after I disovered his pecadilloes, "Honey, she can HAVE ya!"
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Hi Paintbaby,
I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way not that long ago, after discovering my STBXAH was unfaithfull for years.
Lately I have found the empathy for him, as I just see him as a very sick person, but it was infidelity that made it possible for me to be done with him. It almost felt like I was released.
Since than my life has improved tremendously. I wish the same thing for you.
I must also say, the high you're feeling now washes out after awhile, and some dark moods strike again, but remember that is the part of the process, it doesn't mean you're not done. You'll be grieving the loss of a dream, not a loss of a person.
Take care
I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way not that long ago, after discovering my STBXAH was unfaithfull for years.
Lately I have found the empathy for him, as I just see him as a very sick person, but it was infidelity that made it possible for me to be done with him. It almost felt like I was released.
Since than my life has improved tremendously. I wish the same thing for you.
I must also say, the high you're feeling now washes out after awhile, and some dark moods strike again, but remember that is the part of the process, it doesn't mean you're not done. You'll be grieving the loss of a dream, not a loss of a person.
Take care
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Good on you. As I heard in a meeting, "You know what you get when a cheating alcoholic sobers up?" "A sober cheater."
It's been my experience that cheating is unrelated to alcohol and drug use. Separate issues entirely. I've never, while drunk, ever had sex with a woman I didn't want to have sex with. Ever. Including college, and I was plenty drunk for much of that. The same is true when I've been sober.
In my view cheaters are cheaters. Period. And they'll do it again.
Good luck!
Cyranoak
It's been my experience that cheating is unrelated to alcohol and drug use. Separate issues entirely. I've never, while drunk, ever had sex with a woman I didn't want to have sex with. Ever. Including college, and I was plenty drunk for much of that. The same is true when I've been sober.
In my view cheaters are cheaters. Period. And they'll do it again.
Good luck!
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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That's just it, y'all. The cheating is a totally seperate issue from the drinking, and he was deliberately sneaky in trying to hide his extra-cirricular activities. I can give him the fact that the drinking is something that is bigger than he is at the moment, but the cheating is something he actively chose to do.
I don't think I'll be experiencing much of a crash, though. The person I thought he was never existed, true. And I may have lost the dream of this ever being a good and healthy relationship, but luckily I have other dreams to take it's place. And the truth of the matter is, this relationship has been so fraught with crap and drama from the beginning, it's not like the discovery of his creepy activities has even knocked me for a loop. I feel like, "Huh. Yeah, that fits, I guess."
It's never a pleasant thing to discover that a partner is a cheater, but the choice to be deceptive says so much about him and not me, I just can't really get all that emotional about it. This is his stuff. It's not my fault he decided to do what he did. That's just him being a selfish horse's a**. I can't fix that! And he hasn't taken a thing from me. I still have hope for a great future, and I still beleive that there are wonderful people in the world!
My genuine condolences to whomever he consumes next. SRSLY.
I don't think I'll be experiencing much of a crash, though. The person I thought he was never existed, true. And I may have lost the dream of this ever being a good and healthy relationship, but luckily I have other dreams to take it's place. And the truth of the matter is, this relationship has been so fraught with crap and drama from the beginning, it's not like the discovery of his creepy activities has even knocked me for a loop. I feel like, "Huh. Yeah, that fits, I guess."
It's never a pleasant thing to discover that a partner is a cheater, but the choice to be deceptive says so much about him and not me, I just can't really get all that emotional about it. This is his stuff. It's not my fault he decided to do what he did. That's just him being a selfish horse's a**. I can't fix that! And he hasn't taken a thing from me. I still have hope for a great future, and I still beleive that there are wonderful people in the world!
My genuine condolences to whomever he consumes next. SRSLY.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I remember feeling DONE with a couple of relationships the ending of which felt exactly like the day I realized I was DONE with drinking. What a HUGE relief.
Hugs, glad you are moving on.
Hugs, glad you are moving on.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
It definitely IS a relief, to finally be done. A huge output of energy on my part that never resulted in anything real or good--that is the frusteration for me. All that time! All that energy! I won't get any of it back, but it was a valuble lesson.
Time is precious stuff--it's what life is made of, and we all have a limited allotment of it. I vow to myself never to waste it again on a relationship with someone who doesn't value me, or the authenticity, love, and true connection that I have to offer.
Time is precious stuff--it's what life is made of, and we all have a limited allotment of it. I vow to myself never to waste it again on a relationship with someone who doesn't value me, or the authenticity, love, and true connection that I have to offer.
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That is exactly why I finally decided to be done with it. That stop and start. The rollercoaster ride was making me sick. I would get so happy and feeling it is going to work this time and BAM, he would get drunk and the nonsense would start all over again. It is too much of an emotional drain.
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Originally Posted by JACKRUSSELLGIRL
That is exactly why I finally decided to be done with it. That stop and start. The rollercoaster ride was making me sick. I would get so happy and feeling it is going to work this time and BAM, he would get drunk and the nonsense would start all over again. It is too much of an emotional drain.
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