So much more to this than drinking...
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
So much more to this than drinking...
I have come to some harsh realizations over the last 2 years. My AH's drinking spiraled out of control. I detached. He got angry. He smacked me. I didn't press charges, but I didn't have to. The courts went after him unless I would go in and sit by his side and ask them not to. I refused to do that.
The courts made him go to outpatient treatment, counseling, and AA meetings. He was slowly transforming into a mature adult. He was beginning to be able to handle life, the 4 kids, me....
But, 6 months ago, he had fulfilled his court requirements. He is still not drinking, which is great. That is a deal breaker for me. But, he is no longer going to counseling or AA. He is slowly (and some days, quickly) transforming into the angry, self-centered a**hole he was.
Up until last year, I thought if he quit drinking, our problems would be solved. I know now that he has many issues that he has never dealt with because he would just numb them with alcohol. He is angry, immature, self-centered, demanding, critical, and mean. He is terrible with the children..."do as I say, not as I do" attitude with them. They don't even want to be around him...and yet they don't want us to divorce.
Everything is my fault....so he says. I am cold-hearted, have no emotions, don't care about anyone but myself, have no friends, etc. He is very mean....and then says I am cold-hearted because I don't want to be around him. My therapist says a lot of times, alcoholics are the maturity level they were at when they began drinking. Well, he acts like a 10 yo.
People who know us don't understand my unhappiness. He is such a great guy, such a family man....I must be a very controlling and demanding person if I can't make it with him. His parents now think I am awful, because I am considering divorce, after all (the alcohol) he has given up for me. But no one but the kids and I see what he is like when it is just us. He is completely different. I want to divorce him. But I want to make it work. Oh, I just don't know what to do.
The courts made him go to outpatient treatment, counseling, and AA meetings. He was slowly transforming into a mature adult. He was beginning to be able to handle life, the 4 kids, me....
But, 6 months ago, he had fulfilled his court requirements. He is still not drinking, which is great. That is a deal breaker for me. But, he is no longer going to counseling or AA. He is slowly (and some days, quickly) transforming into the angry, self-centered a**hole he was.
Up until last year, I thought if he quit drinking, our problems would be solved. I know now that he has many issues that he has never dealt with because he would just numb them with alcohol. He is angry, immature, self-centered, demanding, critical, and mean. He is terrible with the children..."do as I say, not as I do" attitude with them. They don't even want to be around him...and yet they don't want us to divorce.
Everything is my fault....so he says. I am cold-hearted, have no emotions, don't care about anyone but myself, have no friends, etc. He is very mean....and then says I am cold-hearted because I don't want to be around him. My therapist says a lot of times, alcoholics are the maturity level they were at when they began drinking. Well, he acts like a 10 yo.
People who know us don't understand my unhappiness. He is such a great guy, such a family man....I must be a very controlling and demanding person if I can't make it with him. His parents now think I am awful, because I am considering divorce, after all (the alcohol) he has given up for me. But no one but the kids and I see what he is like when it is just us. He is completely different. I want to divorce him. But I want to make it work. Oh, I just don't know what to do.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
Drinking is a deal breaker, but what about abuse? Not trying to sound harsh but he did it once he is bound to do it again..worse. You do have choices and you have four kids to think about. Do you want them to grow up thinking this is normal?
I took the emotional/verbal abuse for a loooong time, but when the physical stuff came I was done, filed the OFP and he had to leave the house. Not that it is easy but every aspect of life is imporving without him in the house. I already see it in my kids. We have our ups and downs but overall it is what is best.
I took the emotional/verbal abuse for a loooong time, but when the physical stuff came I was done, filed the OFP and he had to leave the house. Not that it is easy but every aspect of life is imporving without him in the house. I already see it in my kids. We have our ups and downs but overall it is what is best.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Life is too short to spend it with someone who is an angry, bitter, critical, self-centered, demanding and mean physical abuser. You deserve better. Your kids certainly deserve better. Wring the alcohol out of an a$$hat and you still have an a$$hat.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
I agree LS2. Physical abuse is unacceptable. It has happened one time, 2 years ago. I do not think it will happen again, as long as he is not drinking. If he were drinking, I would be very concerned and like I said, that would be a deal breaker.
He is out of town for a few days, so it is just me and the kids. They have been so well-behaved and fun to be around now that he is gone. In fact, my 11 yo daughter said last night, "Mom, you are in such a crazy good mood". It is just so tense....for all of us....when he is here. And now I am seeing how relaxed and happy it is when he is gone. Wow, it really makes me wonder why I can't leave him. Why can't I end this marriage?
He is out of town for a few days, so it is just me and the kids. They have been so well-behaved and fun to be around now that he is gone. In fact, my 11 yo daughter said last night, "Mom, you are in such a crazy good mood". It is just so tense....for all of us....when he is here. And now I am seeing how relaxed and happy it is when he is gone. Wow, it really makes me wonder why I can't leave him. Why can't I end this marriage?
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel 
People who know us don't understand my unhappiness. He is such a great guy, such a family man....I must be a very controlling and demanding person if I can't make it with him. His parents now think I am awful, because I am considering divorce, after all (the alcohol) he has given up for me. But no one but the kids and I see what he is like when it is just us. He is completely different. I want to divorce him. But I want to make it work. Oh, I just don't know what to do.
Oh, I don't know - how about a husband who participates in the marriage. Acts like an adult. Doesn't verbally abuse me. Keeps his GD hands off me!! Do I really need to keep going?
The problem with outsiders? They don't know the whole story. The only see the cover to the book. You're in the middle of it. You know what life is really like. Don't let anyone talk you down. You DO deserve better.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel
He is out of town for a few days, so it is just me and the kids. They have been so well-behaved and fun to be around now that he is gone. In fact, my 11 yo daughter said last night, "Mom, you are in such a crazy good mood". It is just so tense....for all of us....when he is here. And now I am seeing how relaxed and happy it is when he is gone. Wow, it really makes me wonder why I can't leave him. Why can't I end this marriage?
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
I have no words of advise for you... it sucks when you really want things better and leaving is difficult. I may be on that path too. We have 3 kids, been married a long time, I really want things better. I understand where you are at, even though it seems you are a little further down the time line than me. You are miserable, but perhaps not miserable enough to get a divorce. Things are bad but not so bad that it makes leaving easy (not that it would ever be easy)... so you feel stuck or trapped. Do you think there is hope for change? A need to play this out to see what happens now? I get that. I hope you find the right answer for you.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
People on the outside rarely see what is going on.
A lady in my apartment recently lost her husband to brain cancer.
They were married for over 50 years.
She was so sad about him being in the hospital, always giving me updates about how he was doing whenever we ran into each other.
When he died I sent her a card, and made her dinner, and told her if she needed a ride to the grocery store or something I would be happy to take her.
She was sad about him being in the hospital, and she felt bad about him dying of brain cancer - that part was true.
But she doesn't miss him, and she's not ashamed to say that.
She got rid of all his things - I dropped most of it off at the local Goodwill store.
He was cheating on her for the last 25 years.
For her 50th wedding anniversary, she was all dressed up to go to dinner, and he never came home from work. Finally she called his brother, who informed her, "I thought he told you? He went to the Poconos with his girlfriend for the week."
She had no access to the bank account, doesn't know how to drive, doesn't even know how to write a check.
He decided everything, controlled every aspect of her life.
He left everything he legally could to the girlfriend.
Most of the rest he left to his kids - only the bare minimum for her.
She's sorry he went the way he did, because she feels nobody deserves to die like that.
But she's glad he's gone.
And I never knew, until I told her about XABF, because she covered for everything and told no one. She didn't want the world to see behind the wall.
Just another lesson that you don't always know the full story - nobody does.
I have been taking down my wall, but only to people who I feel will understand.
Everyone else can think what they think, because they wouldn't understand anyway.
A lady in my apartment recently lost her husband to brain cancer.
They were married for over 50 years.
She was so sad about him being in the hospital, always giving me updates about how he was doing whenever we ran into each other.
When he died I sent her a card, and made her dinner, and told her if she needed a ride to the grocery store or something I would be happy to take her.
She was sad about him being in the hospital, and she felt bad about him dying of brain cancer - that part was true.
But she doesn't miss him, and she's not ashamed to say that.
She got rid of all his things - I dropped most of it off at the local Goodwill store.
He was cheating on her for the last 25 years.
For her 50th wedding anniversary, she was all dressed up to go to dinner, and he never came home from work. Finally she called his brother, who informed her, "I thought he told you? He went to the Poconos with his girlfriend for the week."
She had no access to the bank account, doesn't know how to drive, doesn't even know how to write a check.
He decided everything, controlled every aspect of her life.
He left everything he legally could to the girlfriend.
Most of the rest he left to his kids - only the bare minimum for her.
She's sorry he went the way he did, because she feels nobody deserves to die like that.
But she's glad he's gone.
And I never knew, until I told her about XABF, because she covered for everything and told no one. She didn't want the world to see behind the wall.
Just another lesson that you don't always know the full story - nobody does.
I have been taking down my wall, but only to people who I feel will understand.
Everyone else can think what they think, because they wouldn't understand anyway.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 76
I can totally relate to this post. My husband has not stopped drinking, but has "cut down", only getting drunk on Friday nights. I hate that he's still drinking, but what concerns me more is that he is such an ******* sometimes. Instead of talking about his feelings, he always lashes out. I never know if he will be in a good mood, or a bad one.
When he loses his temper and blames me for how sorry his life is, I shut down and can't even think.
Anyway - I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know you are not alone.
When he loses his temper and blames me for how sorry his life is, I shut down and can't even think.
Anyway - I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know you are not alone.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Originally Posted by returntonormal
I can totally relate to this post. My husband has not stopped drinking, but has "cut down", only getting drunk on Friday nights. I hate that he's still drinking, but what concerns me more is that he is such an ******* sometimes. Instead of talking about his feelings, he always lashes out. I never know if he will be in a good mood, or a bad one.
When he loses his temper and blames me for how sorry his life is, I shut down and can't even think.
Anyway - I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know you are not alone.
When he loses his temper and blames me for how sorry his life is, I shut down and can't even think.
Anyway - I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know you are not alone.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 76
Yes - moody would be the word for it. I am working on detachment and have resisted the urge to get engaged with his moods, although I'm sure he's thinking it's even MORE my fault because I'm not paying attention to him.
Good luck with everything! I'm partially glad to know that it's not just the drinking - it would be worse to continue to hang my hopes on his sobriety than to admit there is a lot of recovery work to be done.
Good luck with everything! I'm partially glad to know that it's not just the drinking - it would be worse to continue to hang my hopes on his sobriety than to admit there is a lot of recovery work to be done.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Yes, refusing to engage in the ridiculous arguments that he comes up with usually result in him yelling at me that I don't respect him enough to respond to him. In reality, I have just decided that I will not go there with him. I do admit, though, sometimes it is hard and I do snap back. I regret it every time and I am getting better.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's the difference between quitting drinking and recovery. Just quitting drinking doesn't result in a personality change. Recovery does.
But being married to a jerk is only marginally better than being married to a drunken jerk.
But being married to a jerk is only marginally better than being married to a drunken jerk.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Wish they could see how different they are when they embrace recovery and go to meetings. Once the drinking stops, that is when the hardest work begins.
Unless you've been there, you'd never believe it. That's why friends and family just don't understand.
You know what you know, and you feel what you feel. That's the best any of us can do. And you have a very bright, perceptive daughter, who obviously loves her mom, and delights in your joy. Lucky lady
Unless you've been there, you'd never believe it. That's why friends and family just don't understand.
You know what you know, and you feel what you feel. That's the best any of us can do. And you have a very bright, perceptive daughter, who obviously loves her mom, and delights in your joy. Lucky lady
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Originally Posted by seekingcalm
Wish they could see how different they are when they embrace recovery and go to meetings. Once the drinking stops, that is when the hardest work begins.
Unless you've been there, you'd never believe it. That's why friends and family just don't understand.
You know what you know, and you feel what you feel. That's the best any of us can do. And you have a very bright, perceptive daughter, who obviously loves her mom, and delights in your joy. Lucky lady
Unless you've been there, you'd never believe it. That's why friends and family just don't understand.
You know what you know, and you feel what you feel. That's the best any of us can do. And you have a very bright, perceptive daughter, who obviously loves her mom, and delights in your joy. Lucky lady
I want more. But I don't think I will ever get it. My therapist has told me that I have unrealistic expectations for this man I call my husband. Not unrealistic, but unrealistic for him. Basically, I can either lower my expectations (I would have to lower them drastically to make them achievable for RAH) and accept him for what he is and try to make the best of it. Or, I can accept that he will never meet my needs and move on. I feel that she is pushing for the latter.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Often I have read here that we need to be able to love and accept the person that they are RIGHT NOW. That staying with someone because of their possible potential is how we all get stuck for YEARS AND YEARS. We deserve to be happy today, in this moment.
I have found peace and calm in my life, just me and my children, and if anyone else wants to be a part of that, they cannot take away from what I have achieved. I know I can be happy without a man in my life, took me a long time, but I'm there.
I don't believe we owe the As in our lives anything. And if they say they gave up drinking for us, they are full of it.
It's not easy to end a relationship, it is extremely hard, but when the time comes, you will know what you should do. We all get there in our own time...glad you are here and posting.
Take care of you
I have found peace and calm in my life, just me and my children, and if anyone else wants to be a part of that, they cannot take away from what I have achieved. I know I can be happy without a man in my life, took me a long time, but I'm there.
I don't believe we owe the As in our lives anything. And if they say they gave up drinking for us, they are full of it.
It's not easy to end a relationship, it is extremely hard, but when the time comes, you will know what you should do. We all get there in our own time...glad you are here and posting.
Take care of you
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Absolutely!! I would have never believed this until I was actually living it. His friends and family think I am the most selfish, controlling person to expect even more out of him. I mean, really.....this guy gave up drinking for you....what more do you want??
I want more. But I don't think I will ever get it. My therapist has told me that I have unrealistic expectations for this man I call my husband. Not unrealistic, but unrealistic for him. Basically, I can either lower my expectations (I would have to lower them drastically to make them achievable for RAH) and accept him for what he is and try to make the best of it. Or, I can accept that he will never meet my needs and move on.
I want more. But I don't think I will ever get it. My therapist has told me that I have unrealistic expectations for this man I call my husband. Not unrealistic, but unrealistic for him. Basically, I can either lower my expectations (I would have to lower them drastically to make them achievable for RAH) and accept him for what he is and try to make the best of it. Or, I can accept that he will never meet my needs and move on.
I've realized, after 10 years of tormenting each other and taking each others "inventory", the more kind and loving thing to do is to set each other free.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel
The courts made him go to outpatient treatment, counseling, and AA meetings. He was slowly transforming into a mature adult. He was beginning to be able to handle life, the 4 kids, me....
But, 6 months ago, he had fulfilled his court requirements. He is still not drinking, which is great. That is a deal breaker for me. But, he is no longer going to counseling or AA. He is slowly (and some days, quickly) transforming into the angry, self-centered a**hole he was.
Up until last year, I thought if he quit drinking, our problems would be solved.
But, 6 months ago, he had fulfilled his court requirements. He is still not drinking, which is great. That is a deal breaker for me. But, he is no longer going to counseling or AA. He is slowly (and some days, quickly) transforming into the angry, self-centered a**hole he was.
Up until last year, I thought if he quit drinking, our problems would be solved.
Expect him to start drinking again, that would be the natural progression.
And if he doesn't, expect more of the same behavior.
In the interim, you could try expressing what you've written here as a boundary. Bad behavior as a 'deal breaker'. A f**k what everyone else thinks, they don't have to live with him.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
I'm right there with you ~ ABF stopped drinking. And now all the other problems that we have as a couple are unmanageable for him. And he thinks they're all my fault. We keep butting up against a value difference: I think that drinking at all is a deal-breaker, and he thinks that ultimatums are! So, nuts.
It's not the drinking now that he's stopped; it's the beliefs we hold about them.
- Sylvie
It's not the drinking now that he's stopped; it's the beliefs we hold about them.
- Sylvie
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