dreamstones

It is amazing how, when your life is intertwined with alcoholism, that your “radar” is much more in tune to this disease. The reason I bring it up is I’m watching a person who I’ve become friends with at work sinking further and further into the disease. We’ve had many discussions in the past year and this much I know, her father was an alcoholic who died at a young age, she has multiple DWI’s to her name, she has been written up a few times now for calling in too much, yet she doesn’t see that she has a problem. She made a comment a couple of weeks ago to me that she needs to slow down a bit. I just commented that she needs to make a decision on how to “drive the car”. Of course, denial that she has a problem, she is just having fun and hanging out, that she is young and this is what you do when you are young (she is 33). I know she broke up with her boyfriend of 6 years last year and moved into a downtown apartment and also snagged a gig bartending a couple of nights a week. All she talks about is “this happened at the bar and that happened at the bar”. I grew up in this life (hard to avoid when your Dad owns a bar), I know it and it isn’t a life. I can see her spiraling down, it is sad to witness.

To make a long story short, she has called in twice this week already, on Monday (a usual) and today (she bartends on Wednesday nights). She called in twice last week two while the boss was on vacation, so it is escalating. Of course, she will make her off handed remarks about “feeling like crap” or whatever, but I know the signs. At this point, I’m distancing myself from her. I just can’t do this anymore. She is a good friend and we really can relate, but I can also relate to an alcoholic. I can see the path she is heading down, she will probably lose her job at the rate she is going, which has really picked up the past few months. I don’t want to preach either, as we know, an alcoholic has to realize they have a problem and admit it in order to get help. Emotionally, I can’t go through this again. I’ve been through the struggles of alcoholism with my Dad, sister, brother-in-law, as well as a few friends, I just can’t do it again. It is just hard for me to not say “if you need someone to talk to”, it goes against my nature, but I also have to realize we are just work friends, nothing more. At the rate she is going, she could be not working with me anymore and we will probably lose touch, but I just hate seeing this disease at work on people I care about.

Thanks for listening, I just needed to get this off my chest. What an evil disease addiction is.

Jabbadabutt

Coming from a recovering alcoholic......I am also way more in tune to people who I think may have alcohol problems (at work) because I pick up on the patterns,,,,as i was once one of them. If anything I think I classify too many people as alcoholic tendencies, when probably in reality, they are fine.... I think it is just the alcoholic desperately trying to not feel like such an oddity and it feels great to be around people like you (I think that's why AA meetings are so sucessful). I longed to meet people 'like me' but now with some sober time under my belt, I feel like I fit in better with the "normies" cause I feel that I have the upper hand on alcohol because I have 'figured it out" and I do not ever have to see the downward progression of alcohol abuse again....as long as I keep it that way.

StarCat

I think that truly working a program causes so much positive growth.
I have always tried to look at my life and figure out how I could live a happier, better life - since I was younger, I was always asking the questions - but until AlAnon and all this literature set up to help people who were in relationships with alcoholics, I didn't really know what direction to travel.

I would not wish my experience dealing with an alcoholic on anyone...
But I will confess that in some ways I am grateful, because there is so much help set up to assist those who do/did have relationships with alcoholics, and these are the things I was missing/looking for. Now I have the help that I needed to become who I always wanted to be - I just didn't know where to look before.

As far as radar is concerned, I have noticed that, as well.
I am very good at recognizing unhealthy patterns in other people's lives, because I am so self-aware of them in my own life now.
I will confess that it is likely I read into them too much, and attribute causes to things that may be more drastic than the actual cause... But I do know the behavior is unhealthy, which is something that I never really picked up on before.

NYCDoglvr

>>>>I just hate seeing this disease at work on people I care about. <<<<<<

Perhaps you should ask yourself why you're fascinated by alcoholics? Why the focus on her instead of someone who isn't an active alcoholic?

GettingBy

I can completely relate. For me, I think of it as a heightened sense of awareness... ah hell, let's be honest... I'm hypersensitive!!!!!!!!

I had a business lunch yesterday with a prospective consultant (somebody who wanted me to hire him!)... I got there a few minutes late because of dealing with the deer accident crap. I had called him, he said no problem! Well, by the time I got there (about 20 mins late)... he was drunk. Drunk... on a Wednesday afternoon at 12:30.

And then continued to have 2 more glasses of wine during lunch. Yuck.

Now, I was put in touch with this man b/c he's a business partner of my husband's. I know my AH has been going out after work with this man for "business" meetings... and now I know why!

He kept slurring his words, repeating himself, asking me questions that I had already answered... it was pitiful. And we're not talking a spring-chicken - my guess is this man is in his late 60s. It was truly sad to me at how oblivious he was to his inappropriate behavior.

I ended the meeting as quick as I could. He stated, "Geez, I get along so well with AH. He really thought you and I would hit it off, but i'm just not feeling it!" My response, "Yeah, I'm just not sure that our personalities and priorities are good match."

I saw him as unhealthy, and instead of trying to make it work (like I would have in the past)... I'm walking away. He's not the consultant I want working with me. Not at all.

cmc

dreamstones...thanks for sharing. I can completely identify with that kind of radar and I appreciate your post; especially how you've decided to distance yourself from this person. That's a very wise and healthy choice.

dreamstones

Thanks all for posts, I guess I'm not weird (well, not that weird) in the "radar" comparison.

I guess after all the years of being around alcoholics (saw plenty in my days of bartending at Dad's bar) and then being out of that element 21 years later and seeing it on other levels (family, friends, co-workers) just makes one ask so many questions about this disease. I am concerned for co-worker, but we are just friends at work and I just see the path she is heading down.

Got email from her this morning, kind of laughing off the hangover of yesterday, really scares me on where she is heading. I didn't respond and don't plan to, is this something you really want to "brag" about??? I want to tell her "get help", but it is not my place. If I just respond that I'm worried about her, that could open up a can of worms too.

kittykitty

Dreamstones,
Have you tried an Al-anon meeting? I have to remind myself on a regular basis to hand others over to my HP, and he has a plan for them. Let go and Let God. It sounds like you're having alot of trouble detaching from her, and how she is choosing to live her life.
You can't control it, and you can't cure it. You can't make her "realize she has a problem". I know this from experience.

The minute my radar goes off, I have to remember to focus on myself, and the things I can change about my role in it. Mainly my role is to get out of the way, and give those people the dignity to live their lives the way they want to, even if I think I already know how it's going to turn out. I can't read the future, and like me, they are right where they are supposed to be.