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Old 04-01-2011, 08:18 AM
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Word vomit

When I met him, I knew he was a drinker. His online dating profile was filled with references to drinking. Our second date was at a bar. At that point, just a few years ago, I wasn't even accepting that my father was an alcoholic, much less the guy I had just started dating. I ignored it.

Falling over drunk because his M.O. in my eyes. He was the sweetest then, so it was hard to tell him to stop. But he also crossed a line and became the most unambitious ******* you've ever met at some point in the evening. When he was drunk at my best friend's wedding, screaming at me because I wanted a dance, I should have known. I did end the relationship a few weeks later, but not because of his drinking ... because he wasn't treating me right. Because he was broken. I had pleaded with him to get therapy -- it was never a priority. Even as I walked out the door, he still put it off and put it off and put it off. It took him a full two months to go see his therapist after I left.

We were apart for four to five months. I dated someone else. That someone else was also an *******, although in different ways, and I felt myself drawn back to the familiar. Especially after my father passed, all I wanted was my alcoholic back in my life. The loss of one alcoholic opens the door to another I guess, and I was back on his doorstep.

I went home to visit my mother one weekend and came home crying. I was seeing how I was affected by having an alcoholic father, and I didn't want his child to end up the same way. I told him he could either drink or come see me. He chose to drink. Why didn't I leave then?

Or why didn't I leave when we made the "drinking contract," and he lied multiple times about how much he was drinking? Or when he drove drunk? Do I really disrespect myself that much?

Apparently I do. That's the sad part. But I'm working on that. I've been to four Al-Anon meetings this week. I'm doing the reading. I'm trying to remember what it is that makes me happy, because my life has been in such turmoil.

This is where things get sticky though. After I told him to go to rehab or I was out in February, he went. He stayed in detox for a week, inpatient intensive for three weeks, and has gone to outpatient for two weeks. There have been some falls. He has skipped a couple of meetings. He has gone late to outpatient a few times. Generally, however, he seems to be following the rules.

I'm not convinced, however. I came back to him after the break-up because he said he'd changed. Then I was obviously so uncomfortable with myself that I was willing to overlook all the crap. But now? Al-Anon is teaching me how to be a grown-up. It's both fantastic and frustrating. I know what things make me happy ... can I do them if he is still in my life?

That is, I think, the most frustrating part. I have given up so much. I have given up a tear-filled engagement. I have given up an amazing honeymoon. I have given up thousands of dollars. And now I've given up drinking myself while in the same geographic location as him (who doesn't like a beer every once in a while?). All to be with this man who, it turns out, I don't even know as I have only known him as an active alcoholic. He gets frustrated with me because I'm not seeing his recovery and instantly forgiving him. It's not only that ... right now I'm learning about and meeting a whole different person. That's the scary and heart-wrenching part. I have to figure out if I'm still in love with this person and if this person is someone I even want to be with.

I know that the person I do want to be with fills me full of hope. They are working their ass off to make the world the best place possible not ONLY for themselves, but also for me. They are equal partners in the relationship. They aren't entitled. They aren't overly selfish (you have to be a LITTLE selfish in life). They work hard. They play hard. They are romantic. They are kind. They love animals. They love new experiences. They prioritize and put their family first. Always.

I don't know if he, in his sobriety, is this person. I know he's trying ... sort of. He did the dishes the other day. He made dinner without me asking. But he still doesn't have a job that pays anything that's worth anything. I still feel taken advantage of. I still feel really angry.

When I'm away from him, I don't want to be back near him. When I am near him, I don't want to be away from him.

The only thing I know for certain is that I feel lost.
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Old 04-01-2011, 08:30 AM
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Word vomit...LOL...I think we've all been guilty of that once in a while. It's how some people process best.

Alcoholism is baffling...and heart wrenching...and sobriety is a period of confusion as well. When I really start to get mad at RAH, I try to imagine what it is like for him and find some compassion. Not always easy.

Have you tried Al-Anon? It's best right now to focus on you; work on your own issues.
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Old 04-01-2011, 08:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Have you tried Al-Anon? It's best right now to focus on you; work on your own issues.
Yep, I'm in right now. Four meetings this week, but mostly done until next week methinks. There aren't any close to me through the weekend. SR it is!
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Old 04-01-2011, 08:44 AM
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Hi Putmeontheair,
Our stories are so similar.

In short, are you in love with the person he is, or the person you hope (and he says) he wants to be? My ExABF did the same thing, promises of change, and assuring me of who he wanted to be, but the actions were never there.

If he is in recovery for the right reasons, he won't be concerned with how you feel about it. From my experience, those who are serious about their recovery do it for themselves, not to appease someone else. You can't force someone into recovery, they have to want it for themselves. Forced recovery leads to resentment, bitterness, and anger, which he has already shown you he has, because you aren't giving him enough credit for what he feels he's done so far.

From what I read on here, it takes months and sometimes years of recovery to find out who we really are, for both alcoholics and alanons. Maybe some time apart would do both of you some good.

Keep coming back!
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Old 04-01-2011, 08:47 AM
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Good for you...hang in there...the confusion is hard to let go of. I fight it everyday and some days I am successful at not obsessing and others not so good. I have the hardest time accepting the utterly loooong process the RAH has to go through, the lack of accepting responsibility, the continued blame, the emotional roller-coaster he is on. I have found recently it is best to stay away from him right now. He just brings me down. Every once in a while, I knock at his proverbial door, get my head cut off verbally, and go back to my corner again. Painful reminder but oh-so effective.

Taking things one day at a time really helps, but it took me a long time to get to that point where I could truly just focus on one-day-at-a-time. Keep going to meetings! And take care of yourself, do something nice for yourself.

Last edited by Tuffgirl; 04-01-2011 at 08:48 AM. Reason: oops darn spellcheck!
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Old 04-01-2011, 09:51 AM
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I took my A back after many times of tear filled promises to stop drinking, got to AA, do whatever it took to get and stay sober.

I kept thinking that this time would be the time that it would click, that he would embrace recovery for all the right reasons. It never happened. He had a million excuses why different things didn't work - from AA to therapy, to meds to control his drinking-nothing was ever "the right fit" for him.

Christmas 2010 was no different. He came into my place on Christmas Eve, detoxing from anther binge. I caved again, we had our Christmas but it got me to thinking-is this going to be what it's going to be like for the rest of our lives?

Throughout the winter, I bided my time and as we spent time together, I realized that my plans had no place in the equation. I am working through Accounting courses on-line and needed computerized ones I couldn't get on-line, so I signed up at a local private college for a 15 week course. He was never too supportive of this and the realization that this would never change started to sink in with me.

My enrollment set off the latest binge as he could never deal with me going off "into the world", out of his sphere of influence, whether it was Al-Anon meetings, volunteer work, whatever.

Things came to a head last Friday when, in another drunken haze (a good case of word vomit on his part), he called me a quitter, saying I wouldn't finish this course. Told me his sex drive was dampened by the fact that I was a smoker. Tried to bait me into yet another round of arguments with no end in site. Figured I'd go of in a huff then once he sobered up, all would be well again. I hung up and made the decision then and there to end it.

I guess this binge made me FINALLY see that my plans, what I wanted from life had no part in the equation of our relationship. I realized that I had been living my life always waiting....for the next binge, the post-binge promises, the dry drunk syndrome and always for our lives to get back on track. Wash, rinse, repeat the cycle time and time again.

In order for me to get ahead, I had to break the cycle and I have. I feel different this time. I feel at peace with my decision. I'm not scared to go it alone. I moved cross country to be with him and fortunately, I made fast friends through Al-anon and where I volunteer. I have family back East, I have a sweet dog who helps me get through all of this.

In spite of feeling different this time, the old urges are still there-to respond to the emails, to call to have my say about what happened last week. I struggle with it daily and to help things along, I blocked emails, Facebook, MSN Messenger, any avenue of communication.

I have AL-Anon, SR, friends and family to help me over the rough spots without blame or judgment, but with love and acceptance. It's not an easy process and it won't happen overnight.

All I do is keep focusing on me what is going on in my life. The more I do that, the less focus that is on him. that's his department and however he chooses to live his life - sober or not - that's between him and his HP.
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Old 04-01-2011, 09:54 AM
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wow! ok...so now you see the similarities of the effect of the drinking from growing up...now you are attracting these men....so, its now time for YOU and your recovery...its up to you how you want to handle the man in your life...but do you feel you deserve BETTER?....because we all do....one step at a time...

please keep going to meetings...talk and talk and talk...but remember a few things...

3 C's
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and you can not CURE this.....(that is the "A" to decide, not you)

step #1 is says it all..."your" life is unmanagable and we are all powerless over alcohol, drugs, people, place and things...

i felt a whole much of freedom to realize, hey its not me...now its time for my SELF CARE...my recovery depends on it!
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