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From 2008:

That all soon changed the night after we returned home from our honeymoon, I was promptly informed that he had made the worst decision of his life and that was marrying me. I was devastated, but still I stayed after a profuse apology. Little did I know that this was to go on for the next 4 years or so on a routine basis. I routinely heard how bad I was, got called every name in the book, was told more times than I can remember to get out of his house, got pushed around and things thrown at me.
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In the last 3yrs my husband finally lashed out at my daughter and totalled his truck due drinking to much and my son almost drowned because he wasn't watching him
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he told me 3 days after I told him I was done that he was talking to someone else. Within a month they were living together and having a good time drinking, smoking dope and pill popping.
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He took out another loan without my knowing, he took over all our bills and money, and he shut off our cell phones because he said we couldn't afford them. I've heard little snide remarks that he's been with other people and heard rumors that he's been with someone else since we were back together.
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My daughter has realized something's "not right" with daddy and has asked me what was wrong with him. The old excuses of him not feeling good, of him being tired just seemed completely inappropriate to an almost 10yr old. So, I broke down and told her the truth. She knew he drank and she knew that sometimes he gets "sick or tired" but hadn't put the two together really.

Now she knows.....

And she does pretty well with it as far as understanding it goes, it didn't affect her love for him at all and I'm glad. Despite everything I think she still needs to care for him.

Kids are better with things than what they're given credit for and instead of letting her make up her own conclusions, I gave her the truth. The imagination might of made things worse in the long run.
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he then proceded to tell me that there was nothing wrong with him drinking and he's not going to quit. Then he began comparing his drinking to anything available. He pretty much said since he deals with me having my two small housedogs that I should deal w/ his drinking.
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if he drinks so much as one beer I close up and will not argue. He's right, I won't because I always, always expect the yelling, screaming, insults, hurtful, spiteful words threw in with some pushing and shoving. Sorry, but to me AH's drinking equates to that. It's what I expect.
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He suggested I move out for the last time if I can't deal with him as he is with his drinking. He's probably right, even though he was drunk when he said it. I'm always on the fence about divorce simply because I remember the person who was portrayed to me. This other person scares the crap out of me because I never know who I'm going to get. It's like he's two people in one.
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Not being afraid, I was there for a short time frame. It felt awesome.

During that time, I started working more which is something I'd been wanting to do. I enrolled in school, again something I wanted to do. I never worried about having HIS clothes ready or knowing where HIS stuff was. I didn't care about having certain things around the house. The dogs were relaxed, I WAS RELAXED. Coming home was actually relaxing. I didn't have to hope that he was falling asleep in his chair instead of in bed, he was someone else's responsibility.

I felt like I could breathe again.
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If this is love...............he can keep it. Me and the kids are better off without such a load of BS. Love doesn't make you feel like you have to hide your feelings, your thoughts, your money, your purchases. It doesn't make you hold your breath when you see a beer can. It doesn't make you feel that huge knot in your stomach when you have to tell your family that he's not coming for Christmas.
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I can't believe I've let myself and my children live this life for so many years.

My daughter today on the way home from Christmas talked to me, she sounded too old for her 10 years. I was told that Dad has a temper, Dad doesn't like being talked back too, Dad doesn't know how to deal with her or brother's crying and that could we please move into our trailer? It broke my heart to hear her say it. The honesty in a child's voice can move you more than anything, it did tonight.

So, after Christmas I'm going to start the process of having my renters move from my trailer so I can move into it. It may take a couple of months, but I'll use it as an opportunity to save some cash for my move.

To see things from a child's viewpoint is honesty and eye opening and saddening all at the same time.
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I've been pushed, shoved, threatened(to be killed), seen him kill an animal out of anger, seen him in serious physical altercations with other people(they said something about his car?!?!) to the point where they were hospitalized and he could of been sued, he's said things to our daugther and been yelled out way to many times.
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From 2009:

I want a home where I can feel at ease, raise my kids without concern and where my daughter doesn't flip out about leaving the cat home with her dad. Poor kid is terrified of her cat hurting something and the cat leaving home forever. She doesn't need to live like this.

My happiness isn't jumping for joy everyday, it's the ability to be thankful for each day and not dread it's beginning. I dread when AH is off work the same day as me and I can't wait for him to fall asleep in his chair at night.

It's a rotten feeling to think this way.
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I've done all of these things that he wanted me to do. At one point I hit an all time low where I just didn't see the point in going on, thankfully something made me look and see something worth saving...there was an angel there that night for sure.

I've tried changing me for him, changing him for us, changing everything I ever believed in or valued for him and nothing worked. Sure his verbal and physical stuff lessened, but it still shows up from time to time. I never know when.

Even though I'm disappointed again for the kids and me again, I still know I can only change mine and the kids lives and that's what I intend to do. My daughter is old enough she's realizing things she doesn't need to realize. I'm through playing house and going forward for me and my kids. We deserve more than what we're getting and I'm going to fix that!
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he's had a job offer in another state for some work. It will require him to be gone 5 days a week in the same time frame as when I plan on leaving.

I don't know if it's dumb luck or devine intervention and truthfully I don't care which, I just know that I'm not letting it go this time, I'm grabbing this lifeline and running with it.
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Last week I came home from work to find a hole in the kids bedroom wall. AH got mad because son had put toys on the floor when he was supposed to be sleeping. He grabbed one of daughter's toys, beat it on the bed and wall and landed a 2x4" hole in the wall, then got onto my daughter for having a messy room!!!!
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He asks me questions and generally I say I don't know because most of the time I don't. I don't know my own emotions and feelings, I don't understand sometimes the way I feel that I do. I'd love to be able to know the answers to my own thoughts, but I don't. I'm pretty sure it's due to all the years of being belittled and yelled at, the years of the Jekyl/Hyde persona from AH.
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I think he was the one being selfish, hateful, he ruined the evening.

Next month won't come fast enough. I hate the thought of my kids growing up in this type of house for the remainder of their lives. I can only imagine what my daughter would end up doing if I stayed. She's strong willed, I believe her level of revolt towards her dad's behavior would be very bad to say the least.
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As soon as the last car pulled out of the drive, it was maybe 5 minutes, and he was crying. Told me no matter how much he works he can't get ahead. Then he whined that our place is to small, only two bedroom. Then he said he was going to blow his head off as he can't get ahead. When I wasn't babying him enough and told him to quit hurting my hand(squeezing way to hard)he turned on me. I was a bad wife, I never rub his back, I don't support him, I've never worked enough, I won't act like his wife. He says he prays to god every night, he teaches his kids to pray and it never helps. He asks me to get him up in the morning because he's drank to much and no one will help him. Then he got mad because I wouldn't go to bed with him.
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