One last try.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 8
One last try.
I called an interventionist today, for my dad. A guy who specializes in doing interventions for medical professionals...This could end with my dad's license to practice being suspended.
I've got no support on this. My mom, she would help, but if they're going through a divorce and he's convinced she's out to get him. Her being there would do much more harm than good. My brother likes to pretend everything's fine, doesn't want to get on my dad's bad side. He'd probably tip dad off the second he found out.
Dad's brothers both said the last time I found out he was drinking that they weren't getting involved again. His office manager doesn't think he's drinking, but she didn't know he was drinking when they carted out 30 or so liquor bottles from his office back in 2002.
My grandma just had knee surgery, and so between that and the divorce and the debt he's got himself in, I feel like a horrible person for springing an intervention on him. But I would be a worse person if I let it go. Right? God, this is so frustrating. What if he's not drinking? I haven't seen him drinking, not actually. I've seen signs - mood swings, he keeps calling in sick, he's lying. His face is beet red, but he's also stopped taking his blood pressure pills. He's stopped going to counseling, a while ago.
I confronted him in early January. I told him I wanted to meet his sponsor; I didn't think he had one. He refused at first, then made me miss the AA meeting he told me to come to by not giving me directions and ignoring my texts, then finally introduced me to a man who claimed they had been "each other's sponsors" on and off for the last ten years. He didn't know when my dad's last drink was (dad claimed December...which probably meant that morning.) Said that he and his wife and my dad and his gf go out on double dates all the time.
That's NOT behavior indicative of a sponsor, right?
I'm just worried that I'm effing this up. But even if he's not drinking right now (I think he is), he doesn't have it together. At all. So this has to be done. Right? Crap.
This isn't going to go well. But things are in motions, no turning back, and I'm freaking out just a little bit.
I've got no support on this. My mom, she would help, but if they're going through a divorce and he's convinced she's out to get him. Her being there would do much more harm than good. My brother likes to pretend everything's fine, doesn't want to get on my dad's bad side. He'd probably tip dad off the second he found out.
Dad's brothers both said the last time I found out he was drinking that they weren't getting involved again. His office manager doesn't think he's drinking, but she didn't know he was drinking when they carted out 30 or so liquor bottles from his office back in 2002.
My grandma just had knee surgery, and so between that and the divorce and the debt he's got himself in, I feel like a horrible person for springing an intervention on him. But I would be a worse person if I let it go. Right? God, this is so frustrating. What if he's not drinking? I haven't seen him drinking, not actually. I've seen signs - mood swings, he keeps calling in sick, he's lying. His face is beet red, but he's also stopped taking his blood pressure pills. He's stopped going to counseling, a while ago.
I confronted him in early January. I told him I wanted to meet his sponsor; I didn't think he had one. He refused at first, then made me miss the AA meeting he told me to come to by not giving me directions and ignoring my texts, then finally introduced me to a man who claimed they had been "each other's sponsors" on and off for the last ten years. He didn't know when my dad's last drink was (dad claimed December...which probably meant that morning.) Said that he and his wife and my dad and his gf go out on double dates all the time.
That's NOT behavior indicative of a sponsor, right?
I'm just worried that I'm effing this up. But even if he's not drinking right now (I think he is), he doesn't have it together. At all. So this has to be done. Right? Crap.
This isn't going to go well. But things are in motions, no turning back, and I'm freaking out just a little bit.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hugs,
You will be doing your dad a big favor if he agrees to go along with it. Dr. Bob, one of the co-founders of AA, was a proctologist. His last drink was a beer that Bill W. gave him right before he had to perform some, um, delicate surgery. It was to keep his hands from shaking.
Think his patients were glad he got sober?
Good luck with this, will be interested to hear how it goes.
You will be doing your dad a big favor if he agrees to go along with it. Dr. Bob, one of the co-founders of AA, was a proctologist. His last drink was a beer that Bill W. gave him right before he had to perform some, um, delicate surgery. It was to keep his hands from shaking.
Think his patients were glad he got sober?
Good luck with this, will be interested to hear how it goes.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Well the title of your thread should say it all. "One last try." What are you expecting to happen? What will you do if your expectations are not met? Are you prepared for any and all outcomes? Have you examined your intentions carefully? Is your concern for him or for his patients?
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 8
I'm expecting him to become accountable for his actions. I'm hoping that the threat of losing his license and having his sobriety supervised by a board of his peers will keep him sober long enough for him to deal with whatever's underneath it all. Force him into counseling and make him stick it out when it starts getting painful. But it might not.
And if he doesn't...I've spent the last two years actively trying to fix myself. And I'm finally getting somewhere, I finally feel almost stable. I'm not letting that go. If he doesn't, that will be the last time I see him/talk to him/have contact with him.
I'm concerned for his patients. For the few that he's actually seeing and not canceling. It's not right for them to be put into a dangerous situation, especially unknowingly. I would be furious if I were them. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something were to happen to one of them, and I could have prevented it by reporting my dad.
I want my dad to get sober. I don't know that I think it can happen, though...I hope it will happen, but I'm not holding my breath.
Being accountable to me - or anyone else in the family - hasn't worked. The interventionist actually knows my dad. They went to the same AA meetings, back when dad was going. He wasn't surprised to get my call. And he knows how to help, where to get a sponsor that won't put up with bs, he'll randomly test to make sure he's not drinking.
It'll be a relief, actually, to have someone else to help. It just feels like I'm betraying him, and it sucks.
Thank you guys for making me slow down and think about this. I was fine when I was on the phone with the guy, I knew I was doing the right thing. I've just spent too long thinking about it and second guessing myself. I know that he needs help and he's not going to ask for it. If he doesn't take it, he's gonna die - soon, I'm guessing - and I have to walk away. And I will, because I'm not carrying this insanity with me to pass on to the next generation - but at least I'll know that I really did do everything I could to help him.
I'm just...tired. Thank you all for listening. It means a lot.
And if he doesn't...I've spent the last two years actively trying to fix myself. And I'm finally getting somewhere, I finally feel almost stable. I'm not letting that go. If he doesn't, that will be the last time I see him/talk to him/have contact with him.
I'm concerned for his patients. For the few that he's actually seeing and not canceling. It's not right for them to be put into a dangerous situation, especially unknowingly. I would be furious if I were them. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something were to happen to one of them, and I could have prevented it by reporting my dad.
I want my dad to get sober. I don't know that I think it can happen, though...I hope it will happen, but I'm not holding my breath.
Being accountable to me - or anyone else in the family - hasn't worked. The interventionist actually knows my dad. They went to the same AA meetings, back when dad was going. He wasn't surprised to get my call. And he knows how to help, where to get a sponsor that won't put up with bs, he'll randomly test to make sure he's not drinking.
It'll be a relief, actually, to have someone else to help. It just feels like I'm betraying him, and it sucks.
Thank you guys for making me slow down and think about this. I was fine when I was on the phone with the guy, I knew I was doing the right thing. I've just spent too long thinking about it and second guessing myself. I know that he needs help and he's not going to ask for it. If he doesn't take it, he's gonna die - soon, I'm guessing - and I have to walk away. And I will, because I'm not carrying this insanity with me to pass on to the next generation - but at least I'll know that I really did do everything I could to help him.
I'm just...tired. Thank you all for listening. It means a lot.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
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As long as you are willing to follow through with whatever you say at the intervention..great.We do what we can and then we have to let it go..I hope this brings you peace either way.:ghug3
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I'm just curious - will you be saying that if he doesn't get help that you will report him to the BME? Wow...that takes a lot of courage and must be so very hard for you. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. (((hugs))))
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Yeah. I will. I basically already have; the interventionist is on the board. If dad doesn't follow through, he's obligated to report him.
God, he's gonna hate me.
I've started looking in to what I have to do, financially, to disentangle myself completely from my dad. While I was in school, I just let him deal with everything so there's a lot of stuff that I need to figure out. Because if he doesn't follow through, I definitely am.
God, he's gonna hate me.
I've started looking in to what I have to do, financially, to disentangle myself completely from my dad. While I was in school, I just let him deal with everything so there's a lot of stuff that I need to figure out. Because if he doesn't follow through, I definitely am.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
((((randr)))) What an incredibly difficult thing to have to deal with! I know that if your father were my doctor, I would want someone to hold him accountable for the health and safety of his patients. I'm just sorry that you are the one to have to initiate this. Hopefully, after the intervention, the medical board machinery will take over, and it won't be on you any more.
Please take good care of yourself and protect yourself through it all!
Hugs, HG
Please take good care of yourself and protect yourself through it all!
Hugs, HG
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Did I hear you say you don't really know if he is drinking? Do you go to Alanon? Do you have a sponser? It seems real unorganized or something and do you think it would work with so little support from your family? You are basing things on finding booze in 2002? I would pray on this one for awhile and do the steps myself with an Alanon sponser.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 8
Thanks for the replies.
Thanks for the questions.
He's made an art form out of lying, so no, I was not positive he was drinking.
He admitted to drinking in early January. He said claimed he was going to AA meetings, that he had a sponsor - both of which turned out to be BS. I wasn't 100% positive he was still drinking because I hadn't seen him crack a beer in front of me, but the behavior I DID witness really concerned me.
No, I'm not in Alanon. But I've been in counseling for two years and my T agreed with my decision and my reasons.
All of his siblings are alcoholics of varying degrees, so they're not too eager to speak on the subject in general. Specifically, two of them have said straight out they would not help because of the ridiculousness dad pulled in 2002. The other...frankly, has her head up her a**. My mother would have helped, but it would have made things much worse - she's the villain in his mind. My brother would have stuck his head under a rock until it was all over at best, tipped my dad off at worst. I didn't want to do this alone; there was literally no one else but me to do this.
So I did. Two doctors (interventionists and recovering As themselves) - who both knew my dad - and I surprised him at his office when he came back from lunch.
He had been drinking again. He didn't even try to deny it. He looked awful - bloated and red-faced. He wasn't taking his blood pressure meds, he was calling off more than he was working, lying to his office manager.
It went really well, though. Some guidelines were set. Random testing at an independent drug center, he has to get back in counseling, actually go to AA meetings (he was sitting in the parking lot...), and find a legit sponsor. If he complies, his license is safe. The guy I brought in doesn't want to ruin his life, and my dad got that. He's cares about my dad, and he's giving him some structure that dad apparently needs.
I'm glad that I did it. He thanked me for it, too. So that was good.
It's been a few weeks, and he says he's doing better. I'm going to call him today and see how he is/it's going.
The whole ordeal was just annoyingly stressful. I love him, but it's like I'm the parent in this relationship and I don't really enjoy acting like one.
Originally Posted by Carol Star 
Did I hear you say you don't really know if he is drinking? Do you go to Alanon? Do you have a sponser? It seems real unorganized or something and do you think it would work with so little support from your family? You are basing things on finding booze in 2002? I would pray on this one for awhile and do the steps myself with an Alanon sponser.
He's made an art form out of lying, so no, I was not positive he was drinking.
He admitted to drinking in early January. He said claimed he was going to AA meetings, that he had a sponsor - both of which turned out to be BS. I wasn't 100% positive he was still drinking because I hadn't seen him crack a beer in front of me, but the behavior I DID witness really concerned me.
No, I'm not in Alanon. But I've been in counseling for two years and my T agreed with my decision and my reasons.
All of his siblings are alcoholics of varying degrees, so they're not too eager to speak on the subject in general. Specifically, two of them have said straight out they would not help because of the ridiculousness dad pulled in 2002. The other...frankly, has her head up her a**. My mother would have helped, but it would have made things much worse - she's the villain in his mind. My brother would have stuck his head under a rock until it was all over at best, tipped my dad off at worst. I didn't want to do this alone; there was literally no one else but me to do this.
So I did. Two doctors (interventionists and recovering As themselves) - who both knew my dad - and I surprised him at his office when he came back from lunch.
He had been drinking again. He didn't even try to deny it. He looked awful - bloated and red-faced. He wasn't taking his blood pressure meds, he was calling off more than he was working, lying to his office manager.
It went really well, though. Some guidelines were set. Random testing at an independent drug center, he has to get back in counseling, actually go to AA meetings (he was sitting in the parking lot...), and find a legit sponsor. If he complies, his license is safe. The guy I brought in doesn't want to ruin his life, and my dad got that. He's cares about my dad, and he's giving him some structure that dad apparently needs.
I'm glad that I did it. He thanked me for it, too. So that was good.
It's been a few weeks, and he says he's doing better. I'm going to call him today and see how he is/it's going.
The whole ordeal was just annoyingly stressful. I love him, but it's like I'm the parent in this relationship and I don't really enjoy acting like one.
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