Mambo Queen

my XAH has relapsed again. He moved out of his sober living house a few weeks ago, and convinced his sister he should live with her. She was driving him to and from work for a while (he has no valid license nor a car) but of course he quit that job....blah, blah, blah....honestly, I could write about 10 pages devoted to his recent f-ups, irresponsible behavior, etc. I guess I will just leave it at this. He called me tonight because he is in jail, because his sister called the cops on him since he wouldn't leave her home and he is drinking again. They found out he had a warrant for a DUI in another county, and took him there. He called me, to ask me to bail him out. At one point he even had the nerve to say, "This is sort of a situation that you created as much as I did," because his whole rap on me is that his problems are at least as much my fault as his own since I had the temerity to divorce him for being an abusive alcoholic. I told him to f-off, essentially, and when he asked me to call his sister since she won't pick up the phone and is in possession of a check of his which would cover his bail, I told him that was his problem to solve and hung up the phone. But it still hurts. However, I wouldn't have had the balls to do what I did tonight without a lot of therapy, and this place, so I thank everyone for that. I guess I don't even have a question so much, I just wanted to thank everyone here for contributing to the strength I had to muster to tell the father of my child that I felt like being stuck in jail was the best place for him, and also to let everyone know that I still have to continue to deal with this bs, and I'm getting more and more sick of it, and the good news is, detaching is easier, and the bad news is, I'm convinced he has anti-social personality disorder among others, and I fear what that will mean for my life going forward. It's especially hard when you have kids with them, and we do have a darling daughter. And his sickness seems to be cyclical. He was doing well for a while there, and I did help him out in his most recent dance with sobriety/recovery, and I'm sick that it's like I can set my watch to when his next screw-up will be.

PurpleWilder

You did the right thing. You do him no favors by keeping him from suffering from the consequences of his actions.

I once participated in a training program for daycare providers that stated the "cost" of learning. It is so much better to learn the "cost" of lying when you are 5 and it just means a time-out or being grounded than learning the "cost" of lying when you are 35 and it could mean jail time or even death. Alcoholics are slow learners.

It is good you are letting him learn. Stay strong!

lc1972

All I can say is YEAH FOR YOU

LexieCat

Good job!

It is, indeed, his problem to solve. Glad you didn't call his sister for him. They burn their bridges and then expect us to ferry them across the river.

Thumper

:

Carol Star

This sounds like my XAH. He blamed it all on me. He chose to drink and drive, went to jail, court costs $5000. for a lawyer, refused treatment his job was offering, got fired, expected me to drive him around, his grown kids want nothing to do with him (kids with his first wife who divorced him when the kids were 3 and 4). So I divorce him. SO- now it is all my fault and he is losing his house/out of money/ nobody to drive him to get (beer,food,drugs), AND IT IS MY FAULT. On SR I read "let go or be dragged." I did. XAH used to have $ but went through it all since he hasn't worked for years. He inherited money and had investments. I got a small divorce settlement. He has spent all his money. So now he says I ruined his kids lives. ???????? His kids and are well aware of why I left. But in recovery I have learned to let it go. I have . Whew.....that was exausting just writing it.

Learn2Live

Breaking enabling behavior is MUCH easier when you don't answer the phone when they call. Good for you for refusing to be used.

zrx1200R

Great success story! I say success because you stuck to it. BRAVO. He pooped all over the place and he's the one that needs to clean it. Not you or his sister. She did good too!

When he was blaming you, could you hear the quacking? That quacking thing is the best item I've discovered here on SR. It totally connected with me when I hear mine blaming everyone and everything else for her troubles. Quack, Quack, Quack. I think of the Penguin from the Batman series of my youth. I just see her waddling down the hall with one of those little cigarette holders. And I can barely keep from laughing at her. Most of the time.

Tough for your daughter, no doubt. But she is better off, and I bet she understands far more than you realize. These kids are sharp.

And I agree, you are under no obligation to answer the phone. Make him communicate with you via email. You can read them when you want, and compose your thoughtful answer. And if you are going to bitch at him, you can always pick up the phone. Never send emotional emails, you know.

Again, good for you and thank you for your courage and for sharing.

fourmaggie

~This is sort of a situation that you created as much as I did,"~

I just love how he shifts the blame on you...lol...a@!hole!

~I told him to f-off~

....loved to have seen his face!!

passionfruit

Love to hear stories of strength. They strengthen us here as well!!!

TakingCharge999

Well done Mambo queen!!

Illumination

Sounds a lot like my ex, and he's not an alcoholic, just a sociopath. Oh, except for when I was pregnant and he very deliberately started drinking, in bars, spending money we could not afford, just so he could blame me.

Everyone has choices, your choices do not dictate his choices.

Cyranoak

It's cyclical until they run out of enablers to drive them to work, give them a place to live, clean up after them, etc., etc., ad nauseum.

My wife's was cyclical until she went to jail. Even today, after 8-months of sobriety, the other shoe could drop at any moment. I spend many days listening for it. Great days for me are when I don't. The good news is that I can now have multiple days in a row not fearing it. I think my record is three.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak