FindingPeace1

The post "Portrait of an Alcoholic Family" was so right on for me and it linked to an experience I had today.

I am in a new job of ~2 months. It is a very intensive, diverse job. It is an asst. mgr. job so my job is to hold together all the details of the department. Lots of specifics and "if A, then B, but only if...s" and lots and lots of things to memorize, keep straight and recall.
Needless to say, these are not my strong suit.
I have been feeling overwhelmed and when I get that way, I get deer in the headlights. I can't see or think. In the past, I have actually injured body parts and crashed my car when I am in this state.
The crazy thing is I came from a family with SUCH repressed emotions, I don't often know how bad it is. I think I am stressed, but okay. That's when I can get into trouble. (underfunctioning, you might say)


So I have been dropping balls at this job. In fact, my boss has made it clear she is withholding even TELLING me about all my duties because she is trying to give me a break.
Nonetheless, last week I was so numb and overwhelmed (and self abusive because I was) that I couldn't keep up! When I feel like that, I can't look at my duties and say, "hey, boss, you need to do x,y, and z because I can't". OH NO! I don't even SEE the to dos on my list or in my in box. Literally. I am just scrambling not to sink.
So, this morning, I knew I had something to do at 1pm and I was going to catch up on emails.
My coworker reminded me, "Don't forget to do blah blah after you get back from your meeting."
HOLY SMOKES! THE MEETING!
I rushed over.
When I got back, feeling like a big jerk/loser (victim/collapsing), I began to go through the bazillion emails of all the things I have to do or forgot to do and further began to beat myself up.
At 1pm I went to my meeting and after driving 40 min to get there, realized I forgot a key I needed! ACK!
I freaked out more (while playing it cool to the people who I inconvenienced) I postponed the meeting for an hour, made everyone wait and drove back to my office to get the key, then BACK to the meeting. I STRESSED the whole way.
When I got back, someone that worked onsite (that I didn't see before I drove away) quietly mentioned he HAD HAD a key all along.
OH MY LORDY! I should have known that! What was I thinking??!?

On the drive home I was SO beating myself up it was rediculous. I was "triggered" as some say/fight or flight/flooded.

I finally came down off that craziness (after tears and multiple phone conversations with loved ones).
I was so "in it" I felt like I would get fired, my boss would tell every person I know here how incompetent, worthless, and shameful I am and it would ruin my chances of ever working in this park again! Then what? How could I ever work anywhere again if I was so worthless? What had my whole life come to?? If you try your best and its not good enough, well then you will NEVER be good enough! How can I live knowing I'm not good enough? Other people have this job! They could do it! Why can't I do it? I know I'm smart, so what's wrong with me? I'm just blocked? Well, that's jacked up...and on and on. So much perfectionism and fragile self worth! I could see my boss secretly telling others she regretted hiring me; I just couldn't cut it. The SHAME I felt! I imagined quitting (just because I was so shameful). I couldn't for the life of me imagine anywhere to go or anything to do. (extreme!)

The good thing is I almost never hear that little, frightened girl anymore. She doens't flip out often, but obviously she is still alive and kicking!!

And, yet, the good side? It took my mom to point it out.
1. I recovered fairly quickly (2 hrs)
2. While I was worrying and anxious, I had a meta conversation that went something like, "You are super stressed. You need to relax. Breathe. This is going to be okay. You know that concern is nonsense? Right? It will be fine. All you can do is your best. One thing at a time. Right now, just drive."

Now that sounds great and all, but do you think the freaking out child in me listened?? Do you think I relaxed? Do you think I could feel any of that wise parent-voice's peace?
Oh, no. But AT LEAST I had that voice running! That is a step toward peace and integration.

So! Balance can be achieved when intense emotions can be tolerated both within the self and
within the emotional container of the relationship or family. When this is possible, painful
feelings, even if they explode momentarily, can be worked through toward some sort of
resolution. After a disconnection occurs a reconnection can occur which will represent a slight
step up in relating, healing or interpersonal awareness and understanding.
Baby steps. I'm working on it!

FindingPeace1

The next thing to explore is, if this job calls on my weak areas, do I stay in it to try and develop myself? And if I continue to struggle, at what point can I say that I am willing to accept I am not good at the job and I will quit?
It's not a question you need to answer. It's for me to figure out, but those are tough questions, huh?
If I do flail over time, can I ACCEPT that and not judge myself for it?
Hugs, Peace

stilllearning

Hey FP,

I so totally hear you on this one. I haven't felt that way about work for a long time but about five years ago I was in a new job that I literally was so overwhelmed with that I ground to a -complete- halt. I'm not sure whether it's recovery - but I rarely feel that way about work anymore and I'm pretty sure that it's due to a whole lot of other life changes that have nothing to do with work - kind of a flow-on effect.

Any new job (and I mean any new job) always involves an adjustment period of 3-6 months. Because we're ACOA, we expect to be perfect from the minute we set foot in there. So for the first few months we're not only adjusting but beating the crap out of ourselves for not being up to speed. Even normies have the adjustment blues with new jobs. And you have a lot of other stuff going on, too.

Sounds like you're doing fine all by yourself but if it's any reassurance I'm a fellow ACOA and I relate. Since the epic meltdown five years ago I've given myself permission to take it one day at a time, to ask for help, to spend time in a new job settling in and also (this is golden) to decide at the six month mark whether it's the right fit for -me-. It takes the pressure off knowing that you're assessing whether the role is a fit for you rather than just worrying about whether you're a fit for the role.

What if you're doing fine? What if this is about where you should be at the eight week mark? Even if that isn't the case, maybe try to live "as if" that's the case - you can take a breath then, and everything will start to flow better. I've used this a couple of times - including recently. I've been given a project that I have -no- background in and I started to freak out a few months in. But everything has/had been going well and I enjoy the work. I started to break things down again into manageable chunks and small lists. And it's still going fine and nobody has jumped up and down yelling "Fraud!!! She's totally under-qualified!!!" You know the drill..

Hang in there, you're doing great,

SL

FindingPeace1

Thanks! I think that 3-6 months idea is golden! I have no objective reality around non perfection huamanness-reasonableness. There is that voice saying, "Now I should be perfect!" all the time.
There is a poster on here who's tagline is something like: I make mistakes. That's okay. I have my own permission.
I think I need that tatooed somewhere I can see it everyday!
peace

recoverywfaith

You have described it so beautifully and are definetly not alone in that arena. It shows a perfect example of working thru it one of which I have not mastered yet. Awareness, acceptance and surrender! Thank you for such honesty and wisdom.

LexieCat

This isn't a hundred percent ACOA stuff (though I'm sure it makes it worse), because I grew up with NO addictions in my family, and I'm capable of exactly the same kind of thought processes.

I took over my present assignment and have felt totally overwhelmed from day one. I have over 20 years in my job, but this current assignment is the most overwhelming, in terms of workload and diverse personalities I must please (or at least not p*ss off too much), that I have ever had. My predecessor was a laid-back guy, never stressed over anything, got the job done (although I don't think too highly of the work he did).

I'm finally, a year later, getting better at not catastrophizing. It helps that I have gotten some effusive compliments on my work from some of the demanding people. I was shocked last week to find that my productivity was actually much HIGHER than my predecessor's the year before.

So I'm finally breathing easier.

Hang in, for now, at least, and give yourself some time to get accustomed to the new responsibilities. Your standards may be a lot higher than anyone else's.

stella27

fp1,
Like Lexie, I grew up in an addiction-free home, and I do what you're describing ALL the freaking time. And then I just agaonize over how I have screwed up and how I am always screwing up and how everybody knows what a screw-up I am and how they are just barely tolerating me.

And to some extent it's true. I do things like your key scenario often and my superiors DO notice.

Thanks for talking about it, though, because it helps me to know that other people experience this, too. I think we should talk about it some more.

StarCat

FindingPeace, what a wonderful example, and quite a few good things for me to think about!
Neither of my parents are alcoholics. In fact, there is no history of alcoholism in my family, as far as I have been able to determine.

That said, I grew up with the "isms" and picked them up myself.
And I am a perfectionist, always worried that I'm not good enough, I'm not doing enough, I'm not fast enough, I'm just not "enough" period.

So I need the remind myself to stop second-guessing myself, and just trust my instincts, and keep moving forward rather than always looking behind me and wondering if I did something wrong. I have been learning that if I need to fix something, someone usually tells me in short order (and HOW to fix it, too, if I'm lucky!), so if I don't hear anything then I am in great shape, and if I do hear something, I am still in good shape, and will be in great shape again soon.


These are some amazing questions. Many times I'll confess I feel lost.
I try to remind myself that if I didn't have any questions or difficulties with what I was doing, then I am way behind for a major promotion.
Life is a learning experience, and I always figure that as long as I am learning something every day, then I am doing great.

That said, there is a limit where "learning" stops and "too much stress" starts. If I ever hit the point where I can't have fun at work, but dread going instead, that's the point to call it quits and pick something else.

I am not trying to answer your questions for you - they're just great questions, and I wanted to figure out my answer. Thank you.


*Blushes* Guilty as charged.

It's also useful because when I hit "post," my own signature pops up and reminds me that re-editing each post fifty million times is not a good thing (but they have to be perfect, darnit!)

recoverywfaith

[QUOTE It's also useful because when I hit "post," my own signature pops up and reminds me that re-editing each post fifty million times is not a good thing (but they have to be perfect, darnit!)[/QUOTE]

LOL

Kassie2

Hi, I will offer my prior experience to see if it helps you when it comes to decision making. PPL often told me that I should move up the ladder because I show the qualities needed. I didn't for a long time because I was afraid of not doing things right and being on stage.

When I did decide that I deserved the promotion I went for it and got it. I decided before I accepted the position that if I wasn't satisfied with it I could change my mind and do something else. In fact, it was a miserable experience, but instead of running out the door at the first signs of distress I stopped to ask the questions you are asking.

My advice is to write out your goals for the job. Then list the current pros and cons. Then see if any of your cons will change over time and with experience on the job. Set a limit for yourself in staying. And if you want to leave at some point - then you know why you are going instead of just deciding when overly stressed.

In my experience, most distress is temporary. If it is chronic then you can see if you can find another way to manage. I stayed 3 years in that job and no matter what I did, things didn't change - but I did and I left on my own terms.

Learn2Live

FindingPeace, your post so describes ME and my daily life for so many years that my heart is RACING just from reading it.

FindingPeace1

You know, my mom (you'd LOVE her) said, "FP, I think you can say that part of you has achieved MASTERY at awfulizing! You have to give credit to the artistry of that!"

That made me laugh.
I called by best friend (who happens to be an MFCC and MSW and said, "The next time I call you tripping out, please remind me I have asked you to ask me what my wise woman/loving parent would say to my frightened kid? You don't need to say anything to me. I think I don't need external soothing. I think I need INTERNAL soothing. I need to practice the self-soothing. I think I may just need more practice. I know I will distract and diminsh the efficacy of this strategy, but it is the scared little one that will dismiss it. My wise one knows I just need some practice. I know my little one can't hear the wise one at all right now, but that might change with time!"
So, she is going to, bless her, because she understands and we can support recovery for one another in that way.
Now, if I can get the scared little girl to call the best friend next time I flip out! LOL!

FindingPeace1

PS Starcat, I LOVE LOVE LOVE your tagline and I breathe easier EVERY TIME I read it!

Thank you all for interacting with me here!
<3

LaTeeDa

Well, I agree with the others that it's probably too soon to decide one way or the other. So, give it some time, more will be revealed.

Having said that, I'd like to address a couple of things in the above quote based on what I have learned in the past several years.

If it turns out, as you said, that the job calls on your weak areas, (we all have them) then I would say staying and trying to "develop yourself" is akin to masochism. I believe we become the best we can be by maximizing our strengths and minimizing our weaknesses. Not by trying to transform our weaknesses into strengths.

The other thing I would like to say is rather than looking at it as you are not good at the job, which is somewhat of a personal failure, look at it as the job was not right for you. That way, it's a personal decision based on your own best interests and not a failure.

L

FindingPeace1

If it turns out, as you said, that the job calls on your weak areas, (we all have them) then I would say staying and trying to "develop yourself" is akin to masochism. I believe we become the best we can be by maximizing our strengths and minimizing our weaknesses. Not by trying to transform our weaknesses into strengths.
Okay, first off, that is terribly validating! But, I reeealllly struggle with this because it seems I NEED to have strength in the memory/detail arena. Also in the non-avoidance arena. "These weaknesses have me
* pay my taxes at the last minute
* incur late charges for late bills
* miss the insurance window and not have retirement matching for a year
* make people I love frustrated or mad because I forgot to call or do what I promised
* ad naseum

It's not something I can just shrug at and say, "Well, I never was any good at rugby, so I will find other sports!" You know?
So, I don't want to put MORE confrontation of my weaknesses in my life by forcing myself to be in a job that plays to my weaknesses, but at the same time, I need to practice these things somewhere.
I have NO CLUE how to grow through these issues, actually.
I feel TOTALLY stuck.
I was just googling The Presence Process and wondering if THAT would help! I seem to always be searching.
This is an area I feel 100% stuck in. No amount of anything has made a dent in these issues.
It is my #1 arena of issues. It plays out with personal stuff, at work, with friends, and in my primary relationship.
Most of the time I just roll my eyes at myself or even laugh at myself - there I go again. In this situation I emotionally devolved.
Still, something must be done!
It is illogical to say me being in this job will help, though. That is true.
I have no clue.

LaTeeDa

Well, I struggled with some of the same issues. For me, all it took was a couple of dry-erase calendars. I put them up in my home office and have one for the present month and one for next month. When I open my mail, I write the bills on their due date. I also write taxes, important deadlines, dentist appointments, etc. Then, whenever I'm in my office, I have a visual map of what needs doing and when. When the month is over, I can erase it and move on to the next month. If something is more than one month out, I put a little note on the bottom of the calendar so I remember to keep carrying it over until the actual due date.

Does that mean I've changed my weakness into a strength by struggling through something that shines a light on it? I doubt it. It just means I have a tool that helps me with something I don't do very well at without help.

L

FindingPeace1

Oh, don't get me wrong. I make a fab to do list. I just don't LOOK at it!
I feel dominated by it and I don't like that so I avoid - then get into trouble.

Learn2Live

Self defeating.

Your list describes me for most of my life. I would carry a little spiral notebook, about 4x6, in my purse and keep a running tally of all my To-Dos and check them off as I complete them. I couldn't avoid them because the thing was in my purse.

Anti-depressants helped me with this immensely though. Once I got on the right one, I didn't even need the little spiral notebook anymore. I could remember everything. I'm not diagnosing you with anything but it can't hurt to talk to a physician about it.

FindingPeace1

I HAVE the little spiral notebook; I'll forget to look at it! LOL! It's something...deeper than that.
I am getting a kick of all the ideas, though!

Thumper

I just want to say thank you for the thread. I hadn't followed it but am making a note to come back to it tonight to read more closely.

In the last 18 months avoidance has been a huge issue for me so I can identify with that. I have my lists, know what to do, and avoid them. :sigh: This is new for me. I have always been master of the list (making them and getting things done) and very detail oriented. I forget things and avoid things. I feel frustrated and apathetic about it all at the same time. Then I get mad and berate myself for not just doing it, which actually leads to further avoidance. ugh.