Rollercoaster takes a dip.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Rollercoaster takes a dip.
This world of alcoholism and recovery is so foreign to me. I try to make sense of things that do not make sense then remind myself that I am not dealing with normal relationship parameters.
I am having a hard time right now. I decided to spend a whole weekend pampering and treating myself gently because of what I am feeling. I thought that in recovery they are trying to make right the wrongs they did? Or find a better and healthier way of relating to loved ones? But I have yet to feel the positive affects of his work to any lasting degree in terms of how he treats me.
Giving back to me is practically non-existant right now (words yes but deeds, nope). I told myself to let him just go and do his thing and not have expectations but he will try to charm me back (and it works since I am kind of weak about it). I haven't done anything for him but stay supportive and write letters. But I hear from him sporadically due to the strict nature of his program. And it is really starting to get to me.
How do I stay supportive but NOT have expectations? He is doing the best thing but when do they start to reach out and work on those important connections in their life? Maybe he is and I'm not on that list
(sounds pitiful but I am at a low).
I want to be a caring friend but I don't know if I can be friends given my strong feelings for him. I had hopes that in recovery he would have this grand epiphany of how great I am (and I am!) and do what he could to make amends but it has yet to happen. He is 6 months into recovery now.
I am having a hard time right now. I decided to spend a whole weekend pampering and treating myself gently because of what I am feeling. I thought that in recovery they are trying to make right the wrongs they did? Or find a better and healthier way of relating to loved ones? But I have yet to feel the positive affects of his work to any lasting degree in terms of how he treats me.
Giving back to me is practically non-existant right now (words yes but deeds, nope). I told myself to let him just go and do his thing and not have expectations but he will try to charm me back (and it works since I am kind of weak about it). I haven't done anything for him but stay supportive and write letters. But I hear from him sporadically due to the strict nature of his program. And it is really starting to get to me.
How do I stay supportive but NOT have expectations? He is doing the best thing but when do they start to reach out and work on those important connections in their life? Maybe he is and I'm not on that list
(sounds pitiful but I am at a low). I want to be a caring friend but I don't know if I can be friends given my strong feelings for him. I had hopes that in recovery he would have this grand epiphany of how great I am (and I am!) and do what he could to make amends but it has yet to happen. He is 6 months into recovery now.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
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This is why I do not want to go through the so called recovery with him. Do not mean to sound negative but I have wasted alot of years and recovery just sounds like more of the same BS, just in another form. I want to have a LIFE!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Babyblue I have no experience with a partner seeking sobriety but I have learned that expectations just break my heart over and over and over. I am accepting I will never get any validation or apology from the XABF or his friends or anyone. I am striving to provide that love and care and validation to myself so I am no longer looking for it outside.
Of course, its a struggle.
But its unfair to us to put our life on hold just because others are in denial, or not prepared to be honest, or not going back to us with amends. Instead of asking for apologies from others I am working on the people I need to apologize to. There are many. Above all, I need to apologize to myself for not giving myself the life I have deserved all this time. Turning the focus back on us and what is under our control to improve our day and our mood and nurture our spirit, is essential....
Just my two cents. Recovery and healing take years and years... for others and for ourselves.... "the watched pot never boils", and all that...
Jackrussell I also want to get a life!!
Of course, its a struggle.
But its unfair to us to put our life on hold just because others are in denial, or not prepared to be honest, or not going back to us with amends. Instead of asking for apologies from others I am working on the people I need to apologize to. There are many. Above all, I need to apologize to myself for not giving myself the life I have deserved all this time. Turning the focus back on us and what is under our control to improve our day and our mood and nurture our spirit, is essential....
Just my two cents. Recovery and healing take years and years... for others and for ourselves.... "the watched pot never boils", and all that...
Jackrussell I also want to get a life!!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Babyblue!
I don't know how it works exactly, 'cause my A stepson hasn't even made it to the recovery part. I guess you have to decide if you can be in this relationship without any expectations. That would be a tough one for me.
Here's a thread you may not have seen that might help a bit.....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-recover.html
Hope you are feeling better this evening... Hugs, HG
I don't know how it works exactly, 'cause my A stepson hasn't even made it to the recovery part. I guess you have to decide if you can be in this relationship without any expectations. That would be a tough one for me.
Here's a thread you may not have seen that might help a bit.....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-recover.html
Hope you are feeling better this evening... Hugs, HG
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
bb,
He's still in rehab, right? He has to focus on getting well. I'm not suggesting you have to wait for him to do that. That's completely your decision--you don't "owe" him anything.
The thing is, it seems you want to try to see if you can have a relationship with him. If that's what you want, you are going to need a lot of patience and try not to have expectations as far as a timeline of when he is going to get his sh*t together. It is often a slow process. There are ups and downs, even when the alcoholic is doing his best. Stuff that seems like a no-brainer to outsiders doesn't come that easily. People progress at different rates. I've seen big changes in attitudes among people I know in AA over the course of months and years.
Try to remember, we recovering alcoholics are not only recovering from dysfunctional behavior, we are recovering from actual brain damage. I feel like it's only been the past six months that most of my faculties have returned and I am "fitting in" to life again (and I've got two and a half years at this point).
Only you can decide what's best for you. And that should be your primary consideration. Yes, he might be hurt if you decide to move on, but people experience hurt and disappointment in life all the time.
I can tell you, though, that having expectations for particular things, particular kinds of progress at particular times, is a setup for disappointment and resentment. Try to let go of the expectations. If you decide to stay, and he sticks with his commitment to recovery, you will find he's a different person in a lot of ways. Some of them you might not like. OTOH, if you let go of the expectations, he may surprise you by becoming someone that you can respect. I "fell out of love" with my first husband after many years in recovery. But during that time, my respect and admiration for him increased. No telling what the future holds.
He's still in rehab, right? He has to focus on getting well. I'm not suggesting you have to wait for him to do that. That's completely your decision--you don't "owe" him anything.
The thing is, it seems you want to try to see if you can have a relationship with him. If that's what you want, you are going to need a lot of patience and try not to have expectations as far as a timeline of when he is going to get his sh*t together. It is often a slow process. There are ups and downs, even when the alcoholic is doing his best. Stuff that seems like a no-brainer to outsiders doesn't come that easily. People progress at different rates. I've seen big changes in attitudes among people I know in AA over the course of months and years.
Try to remember, we recovering alcoholics are not only recovering from dysfunctional behavior, we are recovering from actual brain damage. I feel like it's only been the past six months that most of my faculties have returned and I am "fitting in" to life again (and I've got two and a half years at this point).
Only you can decide what's best for you. And that should be your primary consideration. Yes, he might be hurt if you decide to move on, but people experience hurt and disappointment in life all the time.
I can tell you, though, that having expectations for particular things, particular kinds of progress at particular times, is a setup for disappointment and resentment. Try to let go of the expectations. If you decide to stay, and he sticks with his commitment to recovery, you will find he's a different person in a lot of ways. Some of them you might not like. OTOH, if you let go of the expectations, he may surprise you by becoming someone that you can respect. I "fell out of love" with my first husband after many years in recovery. But during that time, my respect and admiration for him increased. No telling what the future holds.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
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I decided today to put on gobs of mascara today and Lexie done gone and made me weepy 
Raccoon eyes!
Yep he is in recovery and what you said makes so much sense. I'm going to cut and post this and put it in my journal.
Brain damage is the best way to put it. He does seem a bit 'off' at times and I know he is a bright guy. He will be doing great and I think "wow this is neat, he is really making progress!" then I hit a brick wall. He pushes me away. It makes NO sense to the non-recovery person like me.
I honestly don't know what he wants from me. I just do my thing and try to be supportive and 'there' for him when I can. My expectations start to creep in subconciously and if he doesnt' follow through, I feel really hurt and disappointed. I need to take whatever he says or wishes for us with a grain of salt.
Besides, I don't want him to feel like a failure if he can't come through. He really has to focus on his recovery.
Hydragirl: thanks for the link, it was very helpful reading! I will also cut and paste.
Jackrussellgirl: Not sure of your situation but you do what works for you basically. I want him in my life so I am willing to set aside things until he gets well. I may not last through this recovery process, or I may. No way of knowing really until it happens to you and what your personal limits are .
Raccoon eyes!Yep he is in recovery and what you said makes so much sense. I'm going to cut and post this and put it in my journal.
Brain damage is the best way to put it. He does seem a bit 'off' at times and I know he is a bright guy. He will be doing great and I think "wow this is neat, he is really making progress!" then I hit a brick wall. He pushes me away. It makes NO sense to the non-recovery person like me.
I honestly don't know what he wants from me. I just do my thing and try to be supportive and 'there' for him when I can. My expectations start to creep in subconciously and if he doesnt' follow through, I feel really hurt and disappointed. I need to take whatever he says or wishes for us with a grain of salt.
Besides, I don't want him to feel like a failure if he can't come through. He really has to focus on his recovery.
Hydragirl: thanks for the link, it was very helpful reading! I will also cut and paste.
Jackrussellgirl: Not sure of your situation but you do what works for you basically. I want him in my life so I am willing to set aside things until he gets well. I may not last through this recovery process, or I may. No way of knowing really until it happens to you and what your personal limits are .
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
No way of knowing really until it happens to you and what your personal limits are .
I have to think about this.
What are my personal limits? When do I say "this is not for me."?
Am I oversensitive, hypervigilant and afraid?
Hmmmm.
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