seekingcalm

I recently came across some correspondence between me and a very wise good friend. This is from 1 year ago, days after I moved out of the home that my exabf and I shared. Her words helped me so much, and every day at SR I read things that are written by others struggling with the same questions and fears. So I want to share this...for anyone who needs to know that what they are doing is right.

Hi..

I am stumbling a bit this morning, wondering why I couldn't let go and let God, and still stay with him. I felt so much that if he gave up trying, I couldn't watch. But why wasn't I stronger? Why didn't I have faith that my HP would see me through? How do I know I did the right thing by leaving? I miss him so much, and I am so worried for him...should I trust that he is now in God's hands?

Her reply:
Please remember this...the longer you would have stayed with him, the WORSE it would have been for him. Right now, sadly, he loves and needs alcohol more than he loves or needs you. He does not, yet, understand that at this moment in time his life is given over completely to drinking...that he will do anything (even lose you) because of his addiction to alcohol. He does not recognize this as a problem, so if you stay in is life, he will blame you for his drinking; he will never believe that he is the cause of his own problems.

Leaving him was the GREATEST ACT OF LOVE YOU COULD DO FOR HIM. It may perhaps, cause him to take accountability for the choice he is making. If you were there, he would have no reason to look into the mirror and take account of his drinking...

It is ok to feel sad, you have "lost" someone you love dearly. But you had "lost" him already, to his greater love, and that is alcohol.

Now, you need to do what is right for you...which is to find hope and comfort in the love of your HP and the love of others, as you learn to love yourself.

Learn2Live

I so agree and have seen this truth so many times, with so many people I love. It is so weird, and so sad, that once the alcoholism has progressed beyond a certain point, everyone and everything becomes the alcoholic's scapegoat. To continue to stay in their life is to allow them to continue their drinking and allows the disease to progress. The only way out is for them to see what they are doing, or for everyone to leave. It's sad, many of them never see and they are left alone. At least by leaving you give them a chance to want to make change, a chance to see. Yes, they may go on to find another enabler who will also serve the role of scapegoat, but at least you did not play a part in their own self-inflicted demise.

Chelle3

Thank-you!! Your words are a comfort AND ring true.

This is my last struggle too. I guess it's the last struggle for all who are in a relationship with an active A.