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Just need to know if I'm alone in this:

Old 02-16-2011, 08:33 AM
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Exclamation Just need to know if I'm alone in this:

I've been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years. She recently got out of treatment and told me that she's "just not feeling it anymore" and we broke up.

I guess I'm just wondering if this is common? It was a serious relationship with talk about a family and a future... and now, all of a sudden she's just not into it anymore.

Is ANYONE in a similar situation? I'm confused about it and want to support her recovery... but I'm sick over this. I just don't know what to do.

Any help?
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Old 02-16-2011, 08:39 AM
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I am sorry.

If you are broke up, then it is time to move on. She will find recovery friends who can support her. It is more appropriate.

Don't do the "let's be friends" thing. It is painful and doesn't work out and that isn't true to your feelings and the relationship you had.
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Old 02-16-2011, 08:42 AM
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Welcome to the forum.

Unfortunately, more relationships
do not survive recovery
than those that do.

I hope you find some comfort and some answers here -
I know there's others here who can offer their
personal experience with what you're writing about now.
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Old 02-16-2011, 10:52 AM
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This is part of the 'recovery' equation to which I never really gave much thought. My ADP has mentioned several times that if he sobered up, I might be sorry; that he might not want to be with me anymore. I just thought it was more BS but told him if that was the way it was, that it was worth it to me for him to be healthy.
After reading here, I'm finding that recovery isn't necessarily the end of the rainbow, but quite possibly the end of the relationship. How sad.

I hope you find happiness, however this turns out for you.
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Old 02-16-2011, 11:18 AM
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Nope. Not alone. My wife went to rehab, psychiatrist, 3 different therapists, AA meetings and met with her sponsors. All of these told her once she found sobriety she might find she doesn't need or want me anymore. It seems to be part of the playbook.

Perhaps the thought is to break up the relationship, which will more often than not result in guilt and depression. Thereby leading to more office visits and/or participation. I don't know.

But it is common. 1.5 years.....that's nothing. Lots of nice, non alcoholic women out there. Just do go looking for them in bars! Start going to weddings. Just dress nice and show up at hotels. You can get in. It's easy.
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Old 02-16-2011, 11:42 AM
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I know it is hard to feel like you stood by someone during all the rough times, only for them to turn tail and run when they get sober (what you were always hoping for). Its such a dichotomy. We get involved with an active alcoholic, put out ALL this energy to protect them and WISH for them to be someone different. The problem with that is that we are in love with the IDEA of a person...not an ACTUAL person. We don't really know who they will be if and when they ever get sober. Alternately...THEY don't know who they will be or what THEY will want.

There are some great readings in the stickies at the top of the forum. If you haven't considered going to an AlAnon meeting, you might look for one in your area.
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Old 02-16-2011, 12:07 PM
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As with all posts similar to this in nature, I'm here to let you know that you're not alone and you have a bright future ahead of you.
I'd be moving on.

It only gets harder.
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Old 02-16-2011, 12:31 PM
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Same boat here as well! I struggled through the active addiction, only to be tossed aside once he started participating in recovery and meetings.

He was told that he didn't need to be burdened with a romantic relationship while trying to achieve and keep recovery. I understand that AA/NA both preach about not entering into a relationship while seeking recovery, but to encourage people to END existing relationships is just wrong, IMO.

He wouldn't even BE in recovery if it weren't for me! And yes, I do still get bitter a great deal of the time because I DID stand by him through the addiction, then rehab and jail, a relapse and all that he went through to be where he is today.

So ... no, you aren't alone.
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Old 02-16-2011, 12:36 PM
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Welcome to SR! You have found a great place and we do understand.

Try not to take her rejection personally. I know that sounds impossible, but an addict/alcoholic in early recovery is just beginning to find out who they really are. It does not mean that you are not valuable or lovable just as you are.

Take good care of yourself! HG
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Old 02-16-2011, 12:43 PM
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Old 02-16-2011, 09:29 PM
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I'm w/ ya. almost 14 yrs of marriage, 5 yrs together before married...so almost 20 yrs total slipping down the drain as we speak.
Mine is 7mos into recovery. Honestly he was doing really well. Started going to church, we spent alot of time as a family. I really thought things were going well.
then about a month ago...the volcanic rages came back, over stupid things, he started staying out w/ his recovery group drinking coffee half the night, long after mtgs were over, and finding fault in everything either I or the kids did.
I'm not stupid. I know a dry drunk when I see them and said so.
Then we had a fight, stupid one over the cat's collar. Next thing I know he doesn't love me and is leaving me and the kids.
Apparently we are keeping him from his 'serenity'
Give me a freaking break....
So I'm all about...here let me help you pack.
Don't waste your time on your ex.
I wouldn't wish the past 20 yrs of my life as an emotionally abused wife of an active AH who was nothing if not a sh#%%^ husband and father on anyone.
I know it's hard now but be thankful....your only out a yr and half of your life.
keep reading here and you'll see what I mean.
Welcome to the forum.
these people are just awesome. they have helped me regain control of my life, my feelings and made me aware that I DO count. My opinions do matter. I have the right to share them and not be ridiculed or talked down to. Their support really helps when I'm having a rough day.
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Old 02-16-2011, 09:37 PM
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You have no part in this. The best possible thing happened to you. You won the ******* lottery my friend. Go to Alanon quickly before you find yourself another alcoholic/addict to save.

You can learn to be happy, or you can **** away the best years of your life like I did. Please, for the love of God, don't be as stupid as I was.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
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Old 02-16-2011, 10:12 PM
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I'd add that some relationships survive rehab, and others fail. There is no "normal" on this one. Each and every one stands alone. They are what they are. However, once it's over, it's over and you no longer have the right, or the responsibility, to interfere in their lives (especially under the codependant and controlling guise of "helping" and "supporting.")
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Old 02-17-2011, 05:22 AM
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I ditto what hydrogirl said, many ppl coming out of rehab are just beginning to look at their world and sorting things out. The view they have then will change with time and experience based on remaining sober/clean.

The question for you is whether or not you are getting support at this time and learning what you can about the illness. It affects those who are in the relationship as well and with support to look at what you went through with her can help you to decide what you want as well.

Welcome and keep reading.
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Old 02-18-2011, 01:07 PM
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I think I'm probably just pissed off about it. I realize all the special moments we shared we won't have again. I was there when she was at her lowest. This sounds so self-involved (and maybe it is...) but she told me time and time again that I was the reason she wanted to get better.

So I put up with a bunch of **** and ... whoever said it... It's not the end of the rainbow. It's the end of the road.
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Old 02-18-2011, 01:35 PM
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It could be the beginning of a new road. One that leads to places you have yet to imagine.
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Old 02-18-2011, 02:20 PM
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The thing is feel your anger because it's real just like any other breakup would be. Here's the sidenote: When you are involved with an addict, you really can't believe and/or make any future plans with them because you can never tell what is real and what is fantasy. If their lips are moving, they're lying.

If you and she have broken up for good, then moving on is the best thing for you. If she just needs her space to concentrate on her sobriety, then it's good for you to give it to her. Maybe she will have room in her life once her sobriety takes root. It is for sure no easy ride once they get out of rehab. My understanding is it takes about 5 years of recovery for them to get back to the way they were before the addiction took over. I wouldn't know because I didn't stick around to find out.

I hope you can find some forgiveness for her selfishness right now. Alcoholism is a selfish disease. Recovery also has to be that way for her right now. Maybe you should be selfish too and focus your energy on taking care of yourself.

Peace,
Jen
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Old 02-18-2011, 02:32 PM
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Are you going to feel as bad if you hear in a month or two that she relapsed and her new boyfriend kicked to the curb?
Leopards don't change their spots.

Chin up!
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