PurpleWilder

I was half asleep this morning when the following idea just dropped into my head....

So what do you do when you can't get over the loss of a soulmate? The only thing you can do - change your soul.

I kinda got the idea from a children fantasy/sci-fi book. In the book, the antagonist can have unlimited power over you if he knows your true name. With it, he can force you to make oaths you cannot break. But if the nature of your true self changes, so does your true name and the oaths can be broken.

OK, SR friends - so how do I go about changing my soul? This has kinda been dragging on me for....oh, I don't know.....SEVENTEEN YEARS now. Of course he was the son of an alcoholic and had his own issues.

Jeesh - seventeen years. How codie can you be? I'm almost embarassed to admit it. But that is what SR is for, I guess.

Ideas?

Learn2Live

Sounds catchy.

This question actually comes up quite regularly on this forum so you are not alone. I personally came to the realization that there is no such thing as soulmates, twin flames, etc and that these concepts are codependent and unhealthy ways of thinking and relating. I also realized that alcoholics and addicts have used this concept on me to endear me to them, to make me think WE are more special than other couples, and to convince my heart to stay with them no matter what ******-up **** they do. Part of learning to Let Go and Let God was finally giving up the notion that I am MEANT to be with and stick by any particular person. It's bunk. I belong with ME and I stick by my Higher Power, that's it.

It has been a long journey for me. It started with detachment and centered around believing in a Higher Power.

Tuffgirl

I second Learn2Live. I simply quit buying into the concept of "soulmates". So maybe its not about changing your soul, but changing your perspective on relationships. I like my soul just how it is - even in its battered and cynical state!

barb dwyer

A 'soulmate' is not necessarily someone
who is our 'dream man'.

A 'soul mate' can be a parent
a grandparent
a teacher...

thing is - we almost NEVER know.

SOmetimes two souls will agree
to incarnate
as utter ENEMIES
in order to further each in their learning.

This romanticized idea of a 'soul mate'
can get blown all kinds of out of proportion
and has been, since the 'new age' back in '87.
There have been a LOT of 'uneducated' people
write a lot of books and make lots of money
turning the Great Mystery into little more
than an Avon romance novel.

It diminishes the miraculous nature of our very human potential.

It took a long time for me to understand
(and I have nbeen around a LONG TIME in this circle)
that what I 'understood' as 'love at first sight'
was nothing more
that 'recognition' of the same personality type.

While I do still believe in Soul Mates...
I don't limit my own Higher Self's creativity
and no longer insist
that it be limited to a romantic partner.

Something to be the 'other half' of.

I've come to learn that
I must become ALL that *I* can become.

Not *all* that I can become
as half of something else.

And no soul mate
would want that either.
For me - or for themselves.

Their (us and a 'mate) greatest wish
is to further each along the path of elnightenment.
Not of codependency and 'pairing'.
"Pairing" is a biological need
and not necessarily
an Eternal one.

I don't mean to sound harsh
but understand that this MIGHT come across that way.
I've seen a lot of people
searching for a soul mate
when their life's work
was right in front of them.

Sorry I don't know how to drape that in pretty talk today.

We get busy.
We strive to learn and grow.
We set our intention to become all that WE can become.

We are individuals ... first and formost.

johndelko408

I often felt that my wife and I were soulmates. But because of my drinking and things that I did through the course of my disease we are going through a divorce. It's been dragging out for almost 2 years now and sometimes I wonder whether she's waiting me out or something, to see if I'm really sticking with my recovery/sobriety. Initially she told me we could talk about getting back together when I reached 1 year of sobriety and I held on to that idea for the longest time. I just celebrated a year of sobriety on the 2nd and i havent mentioned anything to her in regards to her and I reconciling. I feel that that ship has already sailed to tell you the truth. I still love her and still want to be with her but I just don't look at it as ever being a possibility. I feel that she still has a resentment towards me and I know I can never fix or take away the pain I've caused her. Holding on to the idea of her and I getting back together I know was a mistake on my part, all I did was set my expectations too high and set myself up for disappointment. I've tried many times to let go and let god but I know that ive pulled it back and tried to take control of it myself. Now I've just completely just given up on her and i all together. Maybe that's what I needed to do in the first place. Maybe that was letting go and letting god, i really dont know. Personally I don't feel like I'm anywhere near ready to be in another relationship yet either. I still have quite a bit of work to do on myself and my own recovery. The only relationships I need to work on at the current time of my life is that with myself and my higher power. Everything else will fall into place in gods time.

If you find a good answer to your question shoot me a PM because I'm still trying to figure out how to get over my wife.

Learn2Live

Even though it sounds basic, this is actually a VERY deep statement.

I have been in no less than eight relationships with men I had to "get over." And yes, I thought each and every one was special, soulmate-like, meant to be, in love, you name it, intense. I have had great difficulty getting over people, some much much worse than others. It took me about 16 years to get over one guy. He was my "soul mate" in high school (at about age 16) and it took me until I was about 32 to get over him.

What I've learned is that there is actually nothing to get over. It was the way I allowed my brain to think that I had to get over. I look back now and can't believe how much time I wasted trying to get over people.

Those are just really old ways of thinking, based in my teen years (when I started drinking) which I think is key.

theuncertainty

Wow, Barb, the part about 'incarnate as utter enemies' sent shivers down my spine. I believe in reincarnation and had felt that 'recognition' with XAH when we met the first time (ummm, yeah, it was not all physical attraction at all - I'm sticking to that). One of the hardest parts of acknowledging the abuse in our relationship has been the idea of having to play this out again and again and again with him.... No thank you, please. I hope I've learned enough from our relationship that we will not be connected in the next.

So, PurpleSquirrel, I love the idea of changing your soul. I will definitely work on learning from this and growing, so I move beyond the need for this connection with him.

coyote21

Yep, what L2L said, I ditched the whole romanticized concept of a "soul mate". I think my axw "cured" me. Ha!

Besides, I've had about 8, I figure that's way more than my share.

Somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't ya supposed to get just one?

I'd settle for someone who acted like they "sorta" liked me "most" of the time. Soul mate, smole mate, puleeze. JMHO.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

seekingcalm

I like to think that a "soul mate" can be someone who comes into your life, and you into theirs for a profound purpose...doesn't have to mean "happily ever after".

I love my exabf, always have, always will. Whether or not that means we will be in one anothers lives going forward is something I don't have to know. I would rather just let life unfold.

Learn2Live

anybody who digs southern rock from back in the 60s and 70s is my soulmate. doesn't mean i have to live with them or talk to them or sleep with them or spend the rest of my life with them or anything.

lillamy

Here's what I think: I think that if you've lived with this alcoholic for 17 years, it's not your soul you need to change; it's the sick soul you've developed into. Which means it's not so much about changing as it is about recovering your own soul again.

My marriage changed me. Everyone saw it, except me. And now that I'm out of it, I recognize myself again.

I think part of the problem is that you see this man as your soulmate. I think that's part of the sickness of codependency. Thinking that there is only one person in the world that we could possibly live with. That's how I explained to myself that I couldn't possibly leave. Well, one of the many ways...

StarlightSasha

Wow. Awesome topic. Awesome responses. I am really struggling with the very same thing. There's just *something* about my exabf that I am having a hard time letting go of-- unlike anything I have ever experienced before. And perhaps it is the degree of my own sickness/codependence. Perhaps it's a karmic agreement or past life contract. But if I had a dime for every time someone commented to us how amazing we looked together, or how beautiful and powerful our energies were together or something else to that effect.. I would be driving a luxury car! I don't know. There is just something about him.. and it's beyond my ability to describe in words, that is so incredibly difficult to let go of.

I guess I am holding onto the person and experiences that I had with him when he was not drinking. For they were truly wonderful times with lots of laughter, deep conversations, goals for the future, amazing fun times doing the things that we both loved... We had a baby together and I longed to be a family with him.. But he was not capable of being in that role and when he was using and drinking he was a monster. And over the course of time, he became my drink on legs..my own addiction... Perhaps when you are trying to let go of someone, you can have "withdrawals"..? Sometimes, for me, that is what it feels like.

But I know in order to let him go, I need to stop romanticizing and look at the REALITY of things. The reality of his choices and behavior that are clearly not something that I want in my or my daughter's life. And that if I can keep working on myself... And filling my life up with self-care and my HP's love and spend my energy working on my relationship with Self and my HP.... And as I recover and heal mySelf and my Soul, the outer reality will mirror that... and possibly one day, a man will come into my life who will reflect the love, beauty, integrity, and balance that I have achieved within myself. And if not, I will be okay on my own because I will have become a whole and complete person.

Easier said than done. And some days it's SOOO much harder than others. But clearly, God does not want my exabf in my life and I want to trust that my HP has a better plan for me.

Wishing you peace and joy, ~Sasha

wicked

L2L!
That means we are soul mates!
Southern rock, bring it on baby!

Learn2Live

I distinctly remember the precise moment when I realized for the first time in my life that other people were just like me, that we are all just doing our best in life. That I hadn't cornered the market in pain, suffering, difficulty, personal sacrifice, or misery! I had been sober and in Recovery approximately 2 and a half years before I realized this. So that personal exceptionalism Dr Garrett wrote about applies to codies and ACOAs as much as to alkies and druggies IMO. I think the concept of soul mates is closely related to the denial mechanism of personal exceptionalism.

Learn2Live

I had a feelin about you Beth!!!

wicked

I wanted to believe in soulmates and twin flames, but I could not love someone.
My marriages were quite uh, mercenary I think.
first one was to get away from home, second one was a distraction and a tour of duty in Italy. Completely selfish and short sighted, like only an alcoholic can do.
I would be extremely happy with someone who liked me as I am.
Doesnt want me to change anything about me.
I want to be comfortable with him, and feel secure.
Just as I would trust him, he would trust me.
I just want more now than a geographical cure for misery.
It could be happening, I am open to it.
Just took some time to work out what I want.
I no longer drink so my mind is clear.

Barb,
Fantastic post.
Thank you.
(it was inspiring)

wicked

Oh yes, I did not know what it was called but I had this in spades when I was drinking.
Wow.
I am so special and no one in this world could understand me.
Turns out there were hundreds of them stationed in Germany with me.
This is fascinating.

coyote21

I think this is a wonderful description of recovery from codependency.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

LaTeeDa

When I first began seeing a therapist, I wanted to know how to make my marriage work. I wasn't yet aware that I needed to heal myself, I wanted to know how to get my husband to stop drinking. I had kicked him out of the house, but I wasn't yet ready to give up on the marriage. I had tried everything I could think of, but it still wasn't working. I was desperate, and the relationship had brought me to my knees. The only thing I could think of was to get professional help. I didn't want to, I had to.

My therapist was very astute to the stage I was at, as well as being very experienced in addiction and codependence issues. She recommended a book to me called "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix. The book is fascinating and I read it all in one sitting. He explains, through years of research and experience with couples counseling, how he believes romantic attraction manifests. There is a lot to it, but the bare bones is that we are attracted, most passionately and uncontrollably, to those individuals who magnify our childhood wounds. We find ourselves inexplicably drawn to people who bring out the major traumas of our past in a subconscious effort to "make it right" long after the original wounding actually happened.

His theory is that if both partners are conscious of this, and willing to work through it, the healing can be profound. But, his methods and practice do not include dealing with addiction. Obviously, if one person has an addiction and is unwilling to deal with that, the deeper issues cannot be resolved.

The (very wordy) point I'm trying to make is that the feeling of "soulmate," at least in the romantic sense, is only an attraction to someone who reflects the work you need to do within yourself.

I would also like to say thanks to Barb for that marvelous explanation of what the term really means.

L

Learn2Live

I agree LTD, that is a great read! And actually, it has been found that the method he developed for spousal communication described in that book is very helpful for people like me who have ADHD.