Held for Ransom?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Bb (and thanks--I understand better, now),
Re the AA friends, we have a saying, "carry the message, not the mess." AAs also need to detach from each other at times. We alcoholics are also susceptible to getting sucked into someone else's drinking drama. AAs can't "save" another alcoholic anymore than a partner can. It may be they sensed he was deep in it, and that if they made a move too soon, before he was ready to admit defeat, they would do more harm than good.
I think you are being very honest, and taking a hard look at yourself, which is what Al-Anon recovery is all about.
Heh, there will most likely be times, when he comes home, when you will be glad to step away from some little bout of early-recovery insanity he is going through. I remember a couple of times saying, "I am going out for awhile. I think you might want to give your sponsor a call." That saved both of us from taking the stress out on each other. I was trusting him to deal with it by talking to someone who could really help--I pretty quickly learned MY limitations as a support person for his recovery.
Re the AA friends, we have a saying, "carry the message, not the mess." AAs also need to detach from each other at times. We alcoholics are also susceptible to getting sucked into someone else's drinking drama. AAs can't "save" another alcoholic anymore than a partner can. It may be they sensed he was deep in it, and that if they made a move too soon, before he was ready to admit defeat, they would do more harm than good.
I think you are being very honest, and taking a hard look at yourself, which is what Al-Anon recovery is all about.
Heh, there will most likely be times, when he comes home, when you will be glad to step away from some little bout of early-recovery insanity he is going through. I remember a couple of times saying, "I am going out for awhile. I think you might want to give your sponsor a call." That saved both of us from taking the stress out on each other. I was trusting him to deal with it by talking to someone who could really help--I pretty quickly learned MY limitations as a support person for his recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Thankfully I do have other supports, I am in therapy and have friends who have been very supportive.
Thanks Lexie for the insight on AA. I didn't really think about that, how they too have to take care of themselves and know his path because many have taken it. I think they are helping him out now, he needs them so I don't disparage his work with them or his sponsor. That is just the selfish part of me that wants a gold star for every nice thing I've done
I knew when he went in that there was going to be this widening communication gulf between us because he HAS to focus on his program and he is living in it so it is taking his time and energy. I only hope it is temporary
Whenever some time lapses between contact, he knows I get anxious and tells me not to worry but how can I 'not' worry? He is going through so many changes. My biggest fear is that he will not want this anymore at some point. Not in my control but that is what makes me most nervous.
Dancingnow: Waiting is very hard and I agree, I want to do things in my own time, not because of what a friend says or how they don't understand recovery. At least your AH is going to counseling and is trying. That is a good sign I am also trying to make it a point to enjoy life. Today I went to a nice restaurant on the waterfront with a good friend and it reminded me why I do need to do special things for myself as often as I can. It was very therapeutic.
Thanks Lexie for the insight on AA. I didn't really think about that, how they too have to take care of themselves and know his path because many have taken it. I think they are helping him out now, he needs them so I don't disparage his work with them or his sponsor. That is just the selfish part of me that wants a gold star for every nice thing I've done
I knew when he went in that there was going to be this widening communication gulf between us because he HAS to focus on his program and he is living in it so it is taking his time and energy. I only hope it is temporary
Whenever some time lapses between contact, he knows I get anxious and tells me not to worry but how can I 'not' worry? He is going through so many changes. My biggest fear is that he will not want this anymore at some point. Not in my control but that is what makes me most nervous.
Dancingnow: Waiting is very hard and I agree, I want to do things in my own time, not because of what a friend says or how they don't understand recovery. At least your AH is going to counseling and is trying. That is a good sign
I am also trying to make it a point to enjoy life. Today I went to a nice restaurant on the waterfront with a good friend and it reminded me why I do need to do special things for myself as often as I can. It was very therapeutic.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Thank you for posting this, Babyblue. I also have these kinds of feelings, and my RABF is just now one week sober and not on a program at all. If I look at the big picture, boy do we have a long way to go.
Two very helpful resources for me have been the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and "Courage to Change". One idea that I grasped from one of the "Courage to Change" devotionals was that I was looking for emotional support in the wrong place, my ABF. It told me, "it's like trying to get bread from the hardware store".
Once I thought about it, I realized I really was trying to go to the wrong place. When my spirit is wavering or when I'm feeling emotionally unsure, I now know to reach out to my higher power. My primary relationship is now with my Higher Power, and all worry and second-guessing is given up right there.
If I'm still feeling unsteady, I read here at SR or call a good friend for some girl time.
When I have a chance to talk to RABF, and I never know for sure when that will be, I make sure it's all about love and understanding. That's what I have to give. And I will give it freely.
That is my path, and it's a sunny side of the street!
Two very helpful resources for me have been the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and "Courage to Change". One idea that I grasped from one of the "Courage to Change" devotionals was that I was looking for emotional support in the wrong place, my ABF. It told me, "it's like trying to get bread from the hardware store".
Once I thought about it, I realized I really was trying to go to the wrong place. When my spirit is wavering or when I'm feeling emotionally unsure, I now know to reach out to my higher power. My primary relationship is now with my Higher Power, and all worry and second-guessing is given up right there.
If I'm still feeling unsteady, I read here at SR or call a good friend for some girl time.
When I have a chance to talk to RABF, and I never know for sure when that will be, I make sure it's all about love and understanding. That's what I have to give. And I will give it freely.
That is my path, and it's a sunny side of the street!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Babyblue, I have just begun to talk with my xabf after no contact for almost 6 months. He is almost 1 year sober, but it's been a rough year. And I felt I needed to work on my own issues, and so did he, and the relationship was a major distraction from that work.
When my exabf takes care of himself, that is the best thing for me as well. That is the greatest gift of all.
I don't know what will happen, although we love each other very much. What I do know, is that for the first time in my life, I am learning to just sit with the discomfort that I sometimes feel. I don't have the answers, but that's ok.
I have hope for the future, whatever that brings.
When my exabf takes care of himself, that is the best thing for me as well. That is the greatest gift of all.
I don't know what will happen, although we love each other very much. What I do know, is that for the first time in my life, I am learning to just sit with the discomfort that I sometimes feel. I don't have the answers, but that's ok.
I have hope for the future, whatever that brings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I am reading alot about 'mindfulness' which is really savoring the moments we live, taking things moment by moment and not rushing into the future or obsessing over the past. It requires mediation which I still struggle with but the concept of Mindfulness is very appealing to me when dealing with the RABF.
Yesterday I went out with one of my closest friends and she really helped me see that my life is made up of moments and I need to be in the NOW, where I am NOT physically and emotionally rather than where he is or whatever the future holds. My mind cannot be with him, it has to be with me.
Aside from that, I have not heard from him and it is unusual to not hear from him so my thought is he is doing the detaching for me. It hurts, but it is a matter of him learning to be comfortable with him self as a sober person. This program in particular really discourages ANY type of bf/gf relationship. It is why they pretty much block me out. He is trying to go by the rules of the program and I respect that.
Does it make it hurt less? NO! Is part of me p*ssed off? You bet! but I am trying to embrace my feelings because I am the only one responsible for them.
The bread/hardware store metaphor was awesome and so true. I do need to give him space and I will because I have too much livin' to do while he is there and my hope is that he joins me when he is stronger. I did my best to show him lots of love and support but I know that alone wasn't going to fix him. We do love one another very much so I am glad I worked through this bump (with SR support!) because now when he does call, I can still be that loving support he needs but knowing that my life is going to be great regardless.
I'm gonna join Skipper on the sunny side of the street
Yesterday I went out with one of my closest friends and she really helped me see that my life is made up of moments and I need to be in the NOW, where I am NOT physically and emotionally rather than where he is or whatever the future holds. My mind cannot be with him, it has to be with me.
Aside from that, I have not heard from him and it is unusual to not hear from him so my thought is he is doing the detaching for me. It hurts, but it is a matter of him learning to be comfortable with him self as a sober person. This program in particular really discourages ANY type of bf/gf relationship. It is why they pretty much block me out. He is trying to go by the rules of the program and I respect that.
Does it make it hurt less? NO! Is part of me p*ssed off? You bet! but I am trying to embrace my feelings because I am the only one responsible for them.
The bread/hardware store metaphor was awesome and so true. I do need to give him space and I will because I have too much livin' to do while he is there and my hope is that he joins me when he is stronger. I did my best to show him lots of love and support but I know that alone wasn't going to fix him. We do love one another very much so I am glad I worked through this bump (with SR support!) because now when he does call, I can still be that loving support he needs but knowing that my life is going to be great regardless.
I'm gonna join Skipper on the sunny side of the street
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