froglegs

So, I am dating a caretaker.
I was the caretaker for 11 years with my exAH and I am going crazy.

Mind you, he is a great guy. He has the best intentions but for some reason when he does things for me or my kids it's making me nuts! He has never been married, no children and he cares about all of us very much. I get that. Sometimes I feel like we are married already with all he does for us. I don't ask him to do anything, he just does it.

Some examples are; My garage door has been broken for about 2 1/2 years. He noticed one day that I was getting out of the car to open the garage..we are in MI, it's freezing and I have 2 little ones in the car..he asked why I didn't use the opener, I told him it had been broken forever, and I was just used to opening the door...the next week he and his friends came over and he had bought me a new opener and installed it. While I was very greatful, I felt uncomfortable for some reason...
Then, I mentioned last week that my back room in my house was freezing and I was thinking of putting some plastic up on the windows...so he comes by yesterday with plastic, and puts it up for me.
My son wanted this Webkinz snake, it's retired and not sold in stores. he has been begging me for it everyday, he's obsessed ..Anyway, I posted on Facebook if anyone had one, because my son really wanted it...later that morning my BF text me and said he had gotten my son the snake...he bought it on E Bay for 30.00...a 30.00 stuffed animal???? I thought it was really sweet, but again felt like I was being rescued or something....

I did tell him he didn't need to do these things for me, and asked him if he thought I was incompetent or something..his reply was, No, I just know u work full time, you have your hands full with the kids and you aren't getting any financial support so I'd like to help...

He is always doing things for me and the kids..pays for everything, wants to take us places etc. I do enjoy his company..my kids think he's great but....geez.

Is this an issue, or am I nuts? I am in such a role reversal from my relationship with my EXA it's wild. I have no idea how to handle all of this. I considered breaking it off because he is too "nice"...what's the issue here?

Please help!

MyBetterWorld

I would be uncomfortable too...that is a characteristic of a codependent.....going out of your way to help others, but feeling very uncomfortable when they help you. You are not nuts. Honestly, he probably hasn't even considered that you could be uncomfortable...he probably hasn't even thought twice about it while you are dwelling on it. Please read this link. I was trying to figure out what my "problem" was and bam! There it was. I don't think there is a rule against posting outside links, but if there is, I am sorry. Codependency .................................................A nyway, you are probably just so used to taking care of everyone else that you don't know how to react when someone wants to take care of you a little bit!

M

huh, sorry, this posted weird. Just click on the bold, highlighted word codependency.

suki44883

My feeling is...if it bothers you, then it is a problem. While he sounds like a very considerate and helpful guy, that doesn't mean he is the right guy for you. He might do better with someone who truly needs someone to look after them...not all of us women need that. You might do better with someone who is willing to help you do whatever when you are ready, but doesn't always jump in and do it all himself, without asking.

You're probably both perfectly nice people, just not really right for each other.

barb dwyer

Hi frog -

If your 'warning' bells are going off....listen to them.

THink it out in your head,
and sit down for a talk.

(so easy to say from over here)

But this is the part that's hard to do.

Speaking our truth...
only gets us in trtouble
when others don't want to stop
what they're doing.

when dealing with codependents and addicts I mean.

Normal people just go
"Oh. Okay. I understand."

er... or so I'm told.

SOUnds like time to set a few boundaries
and stick to them.

StarCat

Ultimately you need to decide what you are most comfortable with.
I'd say this is a boundary issue, not because he's being nice, but because he's doing all these things without asking and it's making you uncomfortable. Anything that's making you uncomfortable should be addressed, otherwise you'll just worry yourself to death.

I would propose talking to him about this, and see what his reaction is, and deciding what you're comfortable with as a result.

There have been many other people in my life who have gone through episodes of trying to bend over backwards to help me, which led to great friendships (plus I would do the same for them if they needed it). One wanted to be in a relationship with me, but I wasn't that interested in him, and while he was hurt he understood and never pushed.
My A, on the other hand, (before he was drinking) did this (and got offended when I wouldn't accept or told him it was too much), and ended up trying to (and succeeding until recently) control my life, under the premise of "but it's good for you."

You need to decide what you're comfortable with. Talk to him, and trust your gut. You've seen enough unhealthy behavior to know by now if his behavior is healthy or not for you. <3

JenT1968

it's an issue for you, you're perfectly within your rights to ask that if he wants to help, he asks first whether you would be happy for him to do it. Someone fixing your garage is only a nice thing to do if you want your garage to be fixed, and fixed now, and fixed by this person, in the way they happen to do it, if you don't get to clear those things beforehand, it could end up not being a nice thing. Repeating that sort of behaviour is overstepping the mark I feel.

have a chat with him.

SlvrMag

I agree with the statement "...if it bothers you, then it is a problem" BUT I don't think that just because a person is helpful and considerate it's because he is codependant. That word gets thrown around so much it's beginning to lose it's power.

My boyfriend has told me that it is in a mans nature (remember there are always exceptions) to help a woman if it seems she needs it. It is in no way to make you feel uncomfortable and I'm sure that is not his intention.

My man always wants to fix things for me, especially if I look frustrated. I do tell him in a polite way (and we have had talks about it) that I may get frustrated, but I can do it. I LIKE to do things myself, even if I may get a little pissed at what I'm doing, it builds my confidence to complete something.

But if that garage door or windows have been broken or whatever for a long time with you not fixing them in sight, I say BE THRILLED about it!

=)

simplyfab

I'm sorry, but are you serious?
You're considering leaving this guy because he's too nice and does thoughtful things for you and your kids?
No offense, but I think you're the one w/ the problem.
This guy goes out of his way to make sure the things that bother you or need to get fixed around the house, get done and you're gonna thank him by saying, "Thanks, but you gotta go"?
I know being the caregiver for so many years, then trusting someone else to do the job is scary (My mom was in ur shoes after 10 yrs being devorced),but if you're looking to have a partner for life then you have to trust him.
You can't trust him only half way.
And it seems you give him some trust if you allow him around your kids and into your home.
You don't have to completely give up your rightfully owned title, but share it.
And if you know he's gonna fix what's broken or what you plan on doing, then don't tell him, If it bothers you that much and do it yourself.
But don't dump the guy for being a great guy.

What kind of man are you looking for? A moocher? A mamas boy who needs to be told what to do, when to do it and how?
A man who's capable of fixing or doing but doesn't because "Whaaat? She didn't ask me!" is his attitude?

If this is the only complaint you have of this man..then you don't deserve him.
He sounds like a good person and is in love w/ you and your kids.
Embrace the gestures..or you're gonna find yourself alone.

Sorry if I came as rude in any way..
I was just taken back by what you see as reason to dump a person.
"He's too nice" is a teenage response..

Hadassah

Can I have him (just kidding, not making light), but really can I have him!! lol

suki44883

It doesn't really matter what the reason is...if someone makes you uncomfortable, then that's just the way it is. Sure, have a chat with him and see if it helps. If it does, then great. If not, then you have every right to move in another direction. It isn't a character flaw on your part. I've broken up with guys before and couldn't give anyone what they might consider a good reason, it was just a feeling I had. It's really no one else's business anyway.

BuffaloGal

This would make me uncomfortable too: being nice and being intrusive are not the same thing. I find that "helpfulness" sometimes comes with a price tag and the helper turns out to be keeping track of the tab.

My last boyfriend wanted to help me much more than I permitted. I said no because it would have led to an imbalance of power, it would have damaged our relationship. He respected my wishes and only assisted me when I asked, and our relationship was better for it.

SlvrMag

Exactly.

catlovermi

I'd be asking myself three questions:

1. Does he fail to LISTEN to me, and HEAR me, when I tell him things about him or that he does that make me feel uncomfortable?
2. Do I feel that he does these things in order to get more control (or the "upper hand" in the relationship)?
3. Do I sense he has any expectations after doing these things, such as feels he now has a right to expect things from me?

I'd look carefully at my answers to those questions, and then proceed with those thoughts in mind.

If any of the above result in a "yes," then it's a big red flag. If, after careful consideration, none of the above result in a "yes," then perhaps some work with a counselor would help iron out the rough spots.

CLMI

StarCat

YES! This is it exactly.
Helpfulness is a wonderful thing, and never a problem.
The problem comes from motives.

You might be uncomfortable with this because you're not used to someone helping you like this, or you might be uncomfortable because your subconscious has picked up some red flags to watch out and be careful.

You have to be comfortable, so do what it takes to be comfortable. If that means breaking up with him, then so be it. If that means having a talk, do that.

simplyfab

Ok...so I read my reply and i was way harsh. I apologize for that.
And I agree w/ the others in if you do see these as warning signs for something deeper, then by all means, don't ignore them.
But it didn't sound like that was your concern.
I interpreted it as you just not being comfortable allowing someone to do things for you because you've been doing 'em yourself for a long time now.

You, yourself said he was a great guy and it sounds like he sees all that you do and just wants to lighten the load a bit and do what HE can for you.
Unless he's doing it and little by little leaving clothes behind or using an unfinished (prolonged) job as reason to keep coming over on days you guys hadn't discussed, then I think ur just a little nervous about depending on a guy for anything.
Its ok to be taken care of or know that somebody's there if ever you need 'em.
You don't have to lose yourself or your role to let him do that.
Communicate w/ him..

All in all..I still don't think breaking it off because he's too nice is a good reason. But only you know whats in your heart and mind. Only you know what vibe he gives you and how he treats you and your kids. Only you know if you're nuts or he's really the problem.
Listen to your heart...

Again..I'm sorry for sounding so rude earlier.

escape artist

could be on the one hand he is doing his best to impress you, i would be happy he did it, esp. if it took his friends to help...he has friends!.....good sign.....but then if you feel he is going overboard, you can give him a boundary about it right?

I'm just thinking about how most codies are attracted to the bad boy and won't settle for a nice guy. maybe why you are finding fault with him? he's not bad enough?

Phoenixthebird

froglegs, how long have you been dating this "nice" man?! If it's been for a relatively short period of time......be weary, be very weary! It sounds to me, like he's trying to "buy" into your family......that he wants to make you feel obligated to him so you don't find out he's NOT the right man for you. It sounds to me like he's starting to invade your space. It reminds me of a 1991 movie, In a Child's Name.
Abusive husband kills wife, her parents see blood residue glow - MaybeNow
YouTube - In a Child's Name TV Movie 1991 Bertinelli Ontkean
YouTube - In a Child's Name Movie TV DVD Valerie Bertinelli Michael Ontkean

Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Love and Peace,
Phoenix

Thumper

I think I'd just tell him you can't except the stuffed animal, that you think it is to much, and that you'd prefer he asks before doing things like fix the garage and windows. See how he reacts. I can't figure out what his motivations are (co-dependent, controlling, just a thoughtful guy) but really it doesn't matter so much. You don't like it so set your boundary and see what happens. His response to your boundary will tell you a lot more then his acts of service and gifts.

Depending on the dynamics of your relationship you could explain that these things make you uncomfortable and why (and get even more information from his response) but I myself probably would have to have a great deal of trust to go there and I probably wouldn't have that in a new relationship. I'd just state my boundary and be done with it. Easier said then done I realize. I hope I'd do that. I'm not going to the bank with that yet though. I'm not dating so that is good .

froglegs

Thanks for the replies guys....
And I did not take offense to anything...no worries

Someone said something, I forgot who, but something like their BF said this is normal behavior for guys to help out women. I hear that a lot too. I come from a world where if something is broken it doesn't get fixed, due to lack of money, energy concern....My BF sees something broke and he wants to fix it...I believe he is just trying to make things easier on me.

I had a birthday yesterday for my daughter, my family was there, I haven't led on to the seriousness of the relationship with them (a whole nother' issue..lol) and I was uncomfortable with my family seeing how comfortable he is with me and the kids. When my parents left he showed them the new garage opener and keypad, and was telling them how much better its gonna be for me to have this..etc..etc. part of him probably wants to show my family and friends that he is a good guy, and is willing to take care of me and the kids..as opposed to the last jerk off I was married too...he probably wants to show me too..now that I think about it.

I guess I just desperately need everyone close to me to see that I am okay, I am making good choices, I am handling my business and I dont need anyone to help me..maybe it's a control thing for me. It's okay for him to do things for me on my terms, but if he does it on his own it's an issue. You would think after being married to an A and a cheater for 11 years I would welcome the idea of someone wanting to take care of me for once, wouldn't you?

Thoughts?

suki44883

I remember that movie. I've seen Michael Ontkean in a lot of movies since, but I always think of In a Child's Name when I do. I also remember it having a very young Christopher Meloni (Law & Order SVU) as the husband of Bertinelli's character. Good movie.

Sorry for the hijack!