transformyself

As an newspaper editor, I have folks who want to advise me call or email all day long. Really. News tips, etc. But being a public figure is very hard, even for a Leo like me.

One person in particular has been making me uncomfortable. I'll call him Steve

Earlier, he emailed me about the shootings in Arizona, saying I should eulogize the dead judge.

I replied that I thought the massive animal kills across the country was a worse situation.

He sent me a response peppered with the "F" word. Last week he sent me something similar that really upset me. I emailed it to a good friend that I consider an adviser and said what do you think of this? He said, he's way off the mark (on the topic.) That friend saw Steve a few days later and gave him hell. Steve texted me a series of bizarre things after that, like "I heard you've lost your mind." I didn't respond.

He's written a short piece for me that i sent back to him tonight for edits. The exchanges started off fine enough, but he slipped into the foul language again.

I read it, went to the bathroom with my brain swirling. Why did this make me so angry? Really uncomfortable. I didn't want to fight with this guy, I just wanted him to leave me alone. STFU and go away.

Something shifted. I dont' have to understand why I'm uncomfortable. I don't have to figure out who is right or wrong.

So I emailed him this

Ok well, you decry this horror then and we'll just agree to disagree.
I don't want to argue with you, I don't enjoy it. In fact, your hostility makes me pretty uncomfortable.

That's hard for me to say, but I'm trying to do it the best way I know.

I LOVE this! I absolutely do. I feel like even though the last sentence sort of makes me out to be a wimp, I don't care. I don't have to set a perfect boundary, JUST DO IT.

lillamy

You GO!!! That is SO hard to do in a professional setting, but you did great!!!

transformyself

Thanks Girl

I think I know why I balk at this stuff, at drawing a boundary with an angry, swearing, aggressive person.

I do the same thing, I know I have frightened other people. I have PTSD and that manifests often in outbursts of rage-like swearing about current events or whatever.

Isn't that interesting? I somehow believe that because I'm similar (read crazy too) that I cannot draw a line.

Weird.

transformyself

I guess now's the time for me to really practice clear, kind boundary making.

The hard part is detaching emotionally first.

I've been attacked, for the third time, by another woman in my industry, for just doing my job. For working.

She has, in the past, been angry when she finds out I've spoken on a panel, literally saying to me, "why wasn't I invited to do this?'

Yesterday there was another episdoe of this crap from her.

I'm very upset. There are very few women in my industry and I wish we had unity. She talks about unity all the time, but doesn't practice it with me.

This isn't even an industry! It's a freaking movement and this is volunteer work I"m doing! No one pays me to speak at a city council meeting, or organize a protest. I'd much rather be hanging out with my family than ******* working for free!

Yes, I have to detach. I stated my boundary right away with her yesterday, I told her I wasn't going to get into a territorial battle with her and to knock it off, there's nothing I can do about folks calling me and asking me to take care of business instead ofher, but I guess I"m having a hard time letting go.

Just processing externally I guess. ugh.

Phoenixthebird

The following is an excerpt I found from the barefootsworld website. Barefoot's World

Most of us are unknowingly familiar with the quote ”This above all: to thine ownself be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.”"......taken from Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Unless we can be true to ourselves first, we cannot be true to others.

"To thine own self be true" .... how profound. How many of us have a hard time being true to ourselves? Those of us that have given our life to another at the cost of losing who we are in the process will have a hard time being true to ourselves. Allowing someone or something else to define who we are, we lose our ability to discover and grow inwardly. We no longer are able to discern a truth from a lie. For many of us, we have accepted lies for so long, that finding out what is true takes time. Having done this very thing, I know how difficult the journey to self-discovery can be.

"Truth"......truth is a word that brings out such negative reactions to many of us. You see, truth is really an action word. You cannot accept truth without change. Accepting truth about ourselves is difficult, especially to those of us who have been abused, or have abused others. But truth does set one free if we will allow it to; it is a crucial part of healing. It gives us the freedom to be who we are. We are able to come to terms with our weakness (without condemnation) and appreciate our strength.

Truth gives strength; it naturally builds healthy boundaries. Truth is open; it is honest even at the risk of being vulnerable again. Truth is light and brings forth life. When we walk in truth, we walk in light, and when we walk in light, we live a healthy life. :day4

Truth is also love. The greatest act of love towards another is living a life that is truthful. For those of us who find it difficult to love ourselves, we will find it will come more easily when we walk in truth about who we are. If we walk in truth, we walk in perfect love, and if we walk in perfect love, then we do not walk in fear because perfect love casts out fear. Because we have been honest with ourselves, we are able to love ourselves with all of our imperfections, knowing that we are in “process” and therefore need not have others' approval. This is freedom indeed.

The second part of this verse is a natural occurrence if we hold true to the first part of the verse. So, when in doubt as to our motives of not being truthful with someone......look inside, are we being less than truthful to ourselves, have we slighted the steps in some manner?

Love and Peace,

Phoenix

transformyself

This is the email I got from Steve just now


Stalker. He's got to go. ****. Good thing he lives two hours away. Problem is, I have to send him one final draft to review.

I think I will completly ignore this email and send him a professonal, please edit or approves this article email.

ugh.

StarCat

He meant to be "more pleading than yelling" but it would have been better if he'd just "yelled at you"?

This guy isn't even trying to hide his manipulation. What a creep. And then trying to bribe you with presents at the end.

Trust your gut instincts, don't get sucked into this. Wow. Just, wow.

Phoenixthebird

"Stalker. He's got to go." SMART, Girl! This was my first initial reaction when I read you first post! What you described is often how "stalkers" start out.

Take care, Phoenix

transformyself

I'm taking some of L2L's usual advice on this and watching my own reactions with detachment.

Mainly, I'm grossed out by this guy and want to get away from him. A little guilt, but not much.

I'm also aware that my inclination, all though I'm diminishing that also, is to engage, get angry and defend myself.

No thank you. I'm thrilled to reserve my energy and efforts for what's really important-my kids, my job, my life.

transformyself

I will say that I'm resenting being a public figure more and more, which means I have to further investigate where I've failed myself and fix that.

I allowed him to get too close, before getting to know him, just like that guy I dated awhile back. Check

transformyself

I am really bothered by this guy and have decided I don't want him to bother me anymore, so I just sent him this email.

Now it's my job to let go instead of being angry about my boundaries being crossed.

Uh- the last thing I am is passive aggressive

Don't ever call me and "yell at me" I also won't do the same with you.

If you don't want jamie reading what you send me, don't send me things. I told you early on I show him everything, what happened last weekend was bad, I agree and rather than discuss it I'm more comfortable having clearer boundaries


that's it. No making nice, no hope you have a good day, just basically GO AWAY!

TakingCharge999

I hope this boundary thing gets easier. It feels uncomfortable at first.

Deep breathing dear transformy.

kiki5711

the whole exchange feels creepy to me. If I was you, I'd say very loud and clear to "BACK OFF" and no more interaction whatsoever.
and being " aware" of him trying to contact you in any way after that but not respond.

Is there a longer history of correspondence other than this exchange?

transformyself

yes. He initially contacted me to say he was going to "help me" that I needed it and I accepted. That's what that longer email meant, he aggressive politically, lobbied for me. He came over once and stayed up all night with me, helping to copy edit my paper. He often says, "I'll come out there and we'll talk," and other things like that. I just don't like it.

That's the problem and what I mean by I let him get too close.

This creeped me about because he talks about "us" but we are in a political movement together, you know solidarity and all that. I don't care anymore. I have always been a little creeped out by him. I am just going to accept that and try to not feel guilty.

He get's all worked up and swears. The catalyst for his being angry with me was a letter he sent me, a "model ordinance," he wanted me to take to my city council when I spoke with them that was inapropriate for our movement. He asked if I had seen it, I said, no I am on deadline and put everything you send me into a folder and haven't read it. The subject line when he resent it was, "Effing read this."

He also said he "put off," an activist in CA when he was there and when I asked aobut that he wouldn't answer.

Whatever. It's my fault, I allowed him to get too close. Answered the phone every day when he would call.

We have a mutual friend who says he's harmless. He's got a glitch, I've known that, but it's a brilliant one. He can analyze data with his eyes closed. But I often don't understand what he says, in email or text.

Not all crazies are dangerous. Hell I'm crazy to an extent. But the lessen I"m learning as I think I said earlier, is that I REALLY need to get to know forks before getting too close. This has the potential of happening more and more as the paper grows. Folks offer help for me and the business often, I will accept it but be very cordial

Here's his response.

.

kiki5711

I'd say don't reply for a few days, nothing at all, just to see if he reacts to it. Test the waters so of speak.

One way of setting boundaries is that "YOU" become the boss of the situation/converstion, and not the other way around.

transformyself

Oh I'm not responding. Have no desire to engage. He can figure out what that last sentence means on his own.

daughter333

Props to you on setting a boundary with someone who behaves inappropriately. The fact that it's in a professional setting makes it even less okay to act that way.

Isn't it crazy how we can be intelligent, rational people and still second-guess ourselves about people who are obviously behaving irrationally? Examining your own reactions is a good thing, but for me at least, I'm finding I need to put some limits on second-guessing myself. It doesn't help me live my life in the way I want to.

transformyself

that's awesome!

I struggle so much with boundaries. WTF is wrong with me?!?

Listen to this:

In October, I spent the entire day entertaining a couple who want to move here from another state. They came over, showed me their light bulbs they want to sell and stayed all freaking day.

My fault! I know this! I need better boundaries! I was stunned when they left, beat myself up good. I wasted the entire day.

She's emailed me again and I've ignored her. She just sent me a message saying, "what's the best way to get in touch with you, we want to talk to you about business opportunities?'

WTF is wrong with me???? I feel GUILTY ABOUT SAYING NO!! I find it very bizarre that I am ok with raging at people, but its so hard to create normal, acceptable boundaries in a mature way. It's weird I say.

But I did. Even if it was wussy. Here's our exchange:
Here's my wussy response

kiki5711

maybe they're trying to sign you up for Amway???

daughter333

I hear you! Lately I try and stop asking myself what's wrong with me. I think it's very, very common for women especially to think that it is not okay to say no. But it is okay, and you don't need to give them an excuse. A very polite "I'm sorry, but I don't think I have the time to devote to this right now" is really all we are obligated to say.

If you're wondering whether it's really, really easy for me to do this, the answer is no.