letgoofmyheart

I still love and miss him! I didn’t leave him because I didn’t love him and he didn’t love me. I left him in 2003 because of the alcohol, cheating, DUI’s, neglect, spending money like he was a rich man.

I left with my children (that are now 17 and 19) thinking he would choose us over the alcohol, instead the drinking got worse and although it got worse I still prayed and waited on God to change him. I wanted him to hit rock bottom but everytime he almost hit it a new girlfriend would come along and save his house pay his bills (several women were used). I still would not give up hope, I knew it was just a disease not the guy I met when I was 17. I stood my ground and did not give in ( he always begged me to come home) all the while putting him in God’s hands and thinking he would eventually realize he needed to check himself in and get clean and sober.

Finally last year he married a lady 12 years older (he’s 49 she’s 61). I thought well now I can give up and move on. I knew like always, even though he was with someone he would still be calling me and begging me back so I changed cell, and home#.

Then due to an accident my son had 2 days before Christmas (my son is ok), I called him and failed to block my number. We had to speak because of the accident and during one of the calls he said he made a mistake and still loves me and wants me back.

Trust me when I say I will never take him back and I told him that, but inside I am a mess. After all these years, I still love him, I want him back, I need him, I miss him and I can’t even be with another because I am still so much in love with him. I left 8 years ago and I still love this man….. He is her problem now! I want to move on but my heart won’t budge…

What is wrong with me?

StarCat

You are a human being who allowed herself to give her heart away to someone who didn't deserve it and are now wondering about the "could have beens".

It is difficult giving up someone who has received such an investment of your time, feelings, heart, life...

Every time I think I am ready to let go, something else reminds me of what I thought I had, and what can never be.

I am currently sitting here obsessing over 2 text messages from G's daughter and a voicemail from his sister saying to call her, it's 1:45am, and I am a nervous wreck because I feel like I let someone down, and that I never should have tried to remove him from my cell phone plan, because it just caused so much stress and depression tonight.
But sooner or later he'll have to get off the plan, and the longer I wait the harder it will be.


There's nothing wrong with you. You have feelings. You're still human. That's not a bad thing, even though it makes things like this more difficult.

(((HUGS)))

transformyself

"It's a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."

That's George Clooneys character in "O Brother Where Art Thou?"

I suppose lots of other folks here will be able to offer wisdom from their own experience, from the program.

Tonight, I quite simply just agree with the Ulysses Everett McGill. I still love my AH and moving from questioning to acceptance helps.

At least you're not alone. that would be unbearable.

Scooter77

On the contrary, how do you manage to be so exceptionally strong, brave and level headed?
Contact always rekindles the what-might-have-beens.
Get yourself to an Al Anon meeting, as many as you can. All the caring people and their stories will boost your spirits.
Be gentle with yourself, the pain is real, but it will fade back into the background if you allow it....

lillamy

Yeah. That.
You saved yourself and your children from a bad situation.
And think of it this way: It could be worse. You're sitting safely and comfortably, though sad and in emotional pain, because a man you would like to be with, but know you can't, wants to be with you; You could be the woman who's paying his bills and cleaning up his crap while he's calling another woman saying "I want you to come home."

naive

hi letgoofmyheart-

if i may speak plainly, 8 years of mourning seems like a very long time.

i know you tried therapy before, but would you consider trying again with a different therapist? there appears to be something in you that won't let go, even though you have let go in the physical. and that something would be good to explore.

at what point in your young life did you decide to "hold on" in such a manner?

i don't feel that "praying to god to change him" is productive. nor is it acceptance. you want him to be someone he isn't and your putting all your determined focus into waiting.

well, you've been waiting 8 years now and he descends further into using alcohol and woman, all the while keeping you on the line, begging to come home.

it feels that you have some concept of unconditional love that you do not want to let go off and you are unable to move forward as a result.

you have locked your mind against all other men, except this one you met when you were 17. obviously, you are lonely and want someone to love you, yet you block all avenues for such to happen, holding onto a vision of someone when they were young.

i feel acceptance is your next current hurdle.

and why not accept a date? you don't have to marry them! just go out and have a little male attention come your way. it might be just what the doctor ordered.

sometimes in life, there is a benefit of putting yourself in situations where you are pushed outside of your comfort zone.

Learn2Live

There is nothing wrong with you letgoofmyheart. I have been caught up in strong feelings for someone over many years too (I was emotionally ATTACHED to a person from the age of 16 until I was about 33). I have had to learn how to let go. It is very difficult to do this without learning new skills. Here is a clue for you:

Have you prayed and waited on God to change YOU?
Have you let go of who YOU were were you were 17?
Did you put your SELF in God's hands?
In what ways?

You don't need to answer me. These would be great things to journal about

(((hugs))) there is nothing wrong with you at all. This is just the journey and you are FEELING it! I am grateful that I am strong enough and courageous enough to feel my feelings. Many people are not as courageous as you. You can find new ways to feel that are much better for you and your life.

seekingcalm

You did a good thing for yourself and your children. Sometimes, we continue to love someone who is not good for us. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with that. You are smart to have kept your physical distance.

But it is time for you to focus on you, and stop waiting for him to change. Your life is worth more than that. And it sounds like you do know that.

I am a complete romantic, and learning that love is not enough has been the hardest lesson of all. However, my serenity is the greatest gift I have ever given myself.

transformyself

I understand everything naive is saying here, but I've also read and experienced that "first love" imprints are very difficult to eliminate.

I think it's natural.

Working on letting go,as she suggests, is also a natural next step.

letgoofmyheart

Thanks so much for your kind words and wisdom, a new therapist might be in order but sometimes going by the book is not as good as real life experience I get from all of you. On top of that I want honest advise quick!. I keep my feelings for him to myself and only open up to you all. My friends would not understand they never lived with an alcoholic.

“It’s a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart”. I loved this saying and I am so sick of being a fool for him and sure hope 2011 is better.

Scooter 77, It is so hard to be strong and level headed… If I let my guard down I will be right back where I was and I have come a long way. I keep my distance, if I were to even let him hug me I would probably lose control.

I did save my children from a bad situation and they are the reason I got the strength to leave and so thankful I did. I may not have money to go out to eat or buy nice things and I admit I get behind on paying the bills but my power is still on. I can’t even count the times when we were with him the power was turned out. So thankful also that I am not that women that is now paying his bills and cleaning up his crap while he’s playing games with other women.

Learn2Live, Thank you for making me realize that all the praying I am doing for him I should be turning it on myself. Today at mass I did just that and a sense of strength came over me… a strength I have not felt before.

Love was never enough for him and his addictions and it really is so hard to realize this…. It actually hurts that love was not enough. He is my first love and I guess I loved enough for both of us.

Thank you all! You made my day much better!