coyote21

I was snooping around and found this post from a member from way back, named Debbie. I didn't know her, but this list made me laugh, and laughing is part of what I do to take care of myself.

I think kids are particularly funny, often without trying, and my daughter makes me laugh often.

So here you go:

Kids say the funniest things....
Well my dad sent me this and it gave me a chuckle. Its probably a rerun but I guess its worth it

Why We Love Children

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently. You did WHAT?! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"
explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, you had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five
minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me,
can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked
with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The
mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long
silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she
sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is
it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's
clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom say it's a bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a
bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you
doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And
this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he
answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are
you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are
learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two
plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing,
she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is
four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little
tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to
the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:
'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the
next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you
Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says
I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with
the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I
can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She
stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a
snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."



Does anybody remember Art Linkletter and his show "Kids Say The Darnedest Things"? BYW, if you do you are old.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

catlovermi

I did actually laugh out loud on some of those! Thanks Coyote!

Can I add one?:

The 'Middle Wife’ by a 2nd grade Teacher.


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years.. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs.


Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy.

wicked

Coyote,
I am 51 and I do remember Art Linkletter,
and when Star Trek was new!


And catlovermi,

I loved that story, playcenter!
hehehehehe

Beth

ItsmeAlice

Thank you for making me laugh today Coyote!!

Phoenixthebird

Coyote, yes, I do remember the Art Linkletter and his show "Kids Say The Darnedest Things", but I don't consider myself old! “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” Mark Twain “It matters not how long we live, but how.” Barrie "Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been." Mark Twain "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." Lucille Ball "My mother is going to have to stop lying about her age because pretty soon I'm going to be older than she is." Tripp Evans "The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life. " Muhammad Ali "To be seventy years young is sometimes far more hopeful than to be forty years old." Oliver Wendell Holmes "To me, old age is fifteen years older than I am." Bernard M. Baruch "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." Abraham Lincoln , "No one can avoid aging but aging productively is something else." Katharine Graham "We're not getting older -- we're getting better!" Author Unknown "Let us never know what old age is. Let us know the happiness time brings, not count the years." Ausonius

"Humor is the best medicine." Little can compare to the feeling of a deep, complete, heartfelt laughing spell. No matter your age, wealth, race, or living situation, life is good when laughter is frequent.

Here's my contribution to "The Kids Say the Darnest Things":
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

Love and Peace,

Phoenix