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controlling exAH

Old 12-18-2010, 07:40 AM
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Cool controlling exAH

My exAH just dropped off my son, 13 to spend the weekend with me. My son left school yesterday with a buddy, which I knew because I teach at the same school. He was his father's day to parent him. He ended up going to another friend's, then when I called him to tell him his charger was here for his phone, he said his father was picking him up at 10. I text my son at 9 pm asking him to text me when he got to his dad's house, which he didn't until I text him again at 11 pm, but I had only asked him if he was ok and he said Yessss Mom. Actually he ended up spending the night at the friend's house and when he came home this morning, his dad dropped him off, son said he got no sleep and went right to bed. Oh before he went to bed he said his dad asked him to tell me that our dogs would jump up and get at the cord on our garage that is 6 feet from the ground and used to light our Christmas lights that are attached to our eaves. The cord has been there for three weeks, well high enough from the dogs who have not touched them. Control freak, that is all he has to say? Last time he dropped him off, I opened the front door, flipped the switch off of the Christmas lights, and as I did this he said, "your lights are still on".

So why would you want to let your son leave school, never to return until the next morning on the one of three nights you see him all week? I guess it was convenient for him to then go out and party himself. I am not against my son spending the night with friends or hanging with his friends, but spending from 3pm Friday afternoon until 9am Saturday is just too much. I know I have some control issues, but I cherish the time I have with my son and he still spends the night with friends, etc., but not to that excess, unless it is once in a while and it is a birthday party. Anyways, now I have to let my son sleep, try to motivate him to do his chores here when he will be grumpy all day, because he doesn't have chores at dad's house of course......... done venting....
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Old 12-18-2010, 05:54 PM
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jackthedog, I just read your thread and I seem to be missing how your custody arrangement is set up with your exAH. I feel like I'm missing some pieces to your puzzle.

We are talking about your 13 year old son. By the time a child reaches the age of 13 most of their character is already developed. I have read the most important age of child development occurs between the ages of birth to 5 years old. Your son is reaching that frustrating age of being a teenager. Nothing shakes a parent's confidence as much as the onset of a son's or daughter's adolescence. It's not unusual to feel our teenagers have "porcupine-like spines that bristle whenever we get near them", or "gives off hate rays the minute we step into the room". Their response to everything we say is a groan. Sometimes we get furious, but mostly they manage to make us as unhappy as they seem to be.

The real cause of turbulence, is the teen's own uncertainty about who he is, alongside his eager need to establish a sense of identity. This involves self-questioning and self-discovery and self-development across a range of issues. Parents become mirrors: teens want that mirror to reflect back to them the vividness and clarity they themselves do not feel. A teenager's real focus is on a parent's acknowledgement of his maturity and capability and human value. They are fighting to change their relationship with a parent, to make a parent see that they are not the child the parent thinks she knows. They want to shake a parent into an awareness of the new and exciting person they hope to become. Teenagers can push us, their parents, into a "rawness of feeling, where you say more than you otherwise would." Perversely, teens expect the parent to appreciate who they have become, even before they know. Therefore, in the emotional exposure of quarrels with parents, teens clarify and demand recognition for the new person they see themselves to be - or on the way to being.

As far as your exAH, as I was on my way home from my last counseling session, I was telling myself, "My DDH is JUST to old for me to raise him, any more"!

Typical Teenagers
Happy, sad, sleepy, mean, Feelings often change, a common act of a typical teen, I find it rather strange.
Talking to a friend, or sending them a text, they talk for hours on end, what’ll they think of next.
They’ll leave their room a mess and give cleaning it a miss, but yes I must confess to also doing this.
They think their folks are ancient, and utterly unfair, the result is to ignore them, before they start to swear.
Their music cracks the ceiling, and makes their parents fume, emotions always reeling, and more time in their room.
Being a teen may seem pretty bad, but from experience I can tell, it’s much worse for the mum and dad, for them its living hell!
Eddie Gee

Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Love and Peace,

Phoenix
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Old 12-18-2010, 06:30 PM
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You are so wise my friend. Basically we split the week days and every other weekend so our son is 2-3 days at one parent, then the other. Thank you for the reminder of what my teenager is going through. You are the best!
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