Learn2Live

So many times over the decades I have remained involved with people who eroded my self-esteem. I can't tell you how many times I have been beat down emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually to the point where I became mentally ill, depressed, anxious, hysterical, and sometimes even suicidal. Then somehow, I would escape that relationship and begin the process of consciously rebuilding my self, my life, and my self-esteem. Now, now I do not wait (at least not as long as I used to). As soon as I recognize that a person is not good for me, treats me poorly, degrades my self-esteem, or is otherwise toxic, I remove them from my life or I remove myself from the situation in which I am involved with them. Life is too short and I am too old to surround myself with ANYONE who beats me down. Not ever again. Please get this disgusting, toxic person out of your life before he makes you any sicker and robs you of your beautiful spirit any further. (((hugs)))

Babyblue

It is typical emotionally abusive behavior. Don't place it all on the drinking. Not all alcoholics are emotionally or physically abusive. If you see it as strictly abuse, that in itself warrants seeking help for yourself. Alcohol isn't an excuse to shred someone up emotionally day after day. Don't accept it as one.

Jadmack25

Tell him you and your kids are obviously NOT WANTED by him, so perhaps it would be better if you all moved out and he can have all the bills on his own, or he could move out and find people he doesn't find as hard to live with as with you.

Either way, it is up to you to either go on listening to this prat waffle on, or get him and his big mouth/small brain out of your lives.
For me, him and his gear would have been booted out the door long ago.

You do not deserve to live this way, and thankfully you don't have to.

I hope soon to see him referred to as XAH, because he sure is not behaving like a genuine husband or father.

LaTeeDa

I must be confused, because I thought you already kicked him out. Thus, my previous reply that no contact would be a good option.

Just a note here. Being disgusted with yourself probably won't help. (I don't know, maybe for some it does) It seems to me that diminishing your self-worth in your own eyes, is playing right into his game.

Being empowered, now that helps! You are bright, beautiful, capable, independent, and a good mom! And your life will only get better if you stop carrying him on your back!

I second the suggestion to ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship. If you can answer that question honestly, you can take clear steps to get those needs met in much healthier ways. (There's always a payoff, no matter how bad we think it is.)

L

HoopNinja

redheadedsusie--OK, I have not read the whole thread but I just wanted to say--are you with my now xah?? You are living with an abusive delusional person. The garbage about equating you taking prescribed medication and his self medicating. Yeesh, I heard that garbage so much. I used to think--you know, if I did not live with you I am pretty sure my dosage would go WAY down.

What you are describing is my life with that a%%. Do not let him stomp on your self esteem because he has none himself. xah loved to try to drag me into his morass of yuk and it took me way to long to unclip the leash from that collar and get the heck away. Once I did I did not look back. He would not leave so I had to. During one of his lunatic rants where he was getting more and more verbally abusive and I could see it easily escalating further (and he was even sober at that moment in time-not sure about the drugs??)--I grabbed the kids and moved into a hotel for a week. During that week I got in touch with a lawyer and filed for divorce.

I am on the road to my own recovery and have left his dope smoking, drunken, sorry I don't make any money to help you pay for anything for the kids because I don't want to work garbage behind. It took me longer than it should have but he used to toss the promise I made in front of God to stay with him no matter what at me on a regular basis. His other favorite was to call me EVIL (do you remember the church lady from Saturday Night Live--that is what he reminds me of now when he calls me EVIL). Somehow I don't think God wanted me and my kids to stay with an abusive drunken, doped up crack head who decided it was OK for his wife to support the family (with 2 jobs) while he "found himself as a musician". The man was 49 years old--if he hasn't found himself yet-well, he better keep looking.

Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you and your kids deserve better than what he is dishing out. It sounds like you are in a tough place right now with everything else that is going on. I am so sorry about the loss of your mom and your dad's cancer diagnosis. I am happy to hear you came out on the other side of your medical situation in a good place. I am happy to hear you are taking Zoloft and taking care of yourself.

Have you gone to AlAnon. Good book if no one has suggested it is Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. Just one of many books I read that made me realize I was not normal in my reaction to his disease. We somehow normalize what is not in any way normal.

Just remember and he does not. You deserve better. I am sorry you are living in such a toxic place. Anyway you can get him out?

ItsmeAlice

You have all the makings for a great life you just don't have the power from within to stand up and claim it and any strength you gain is just pulled out from under you by his words.
I would never underestimate the potential for an abuser to escalate as the object of their abuse pulls away. Leaving or getting rid of an abuser is no easy task and can get dangerous very quickly. Can't just toss a rattlesnake in the trash unless you want that bugger to whip back and sink his teeth in you. Requires control and a good bit of expertise.

To that end, I agree with the encouragement you've received here. Why not get some advice from some professionals? A consult with an attorney sounds like a fine starting point. Getting some knowledge on just how much power you have in this situation may help bolster your own resolve. Could be easier than you think to get space from him to make some progress in your own recovery. Also, you may find just having a plan to work towards might give you focus away from his venomous quacking.

Alice

nodaybut2day

Please mama, don't waste time on this self-loathing. Let's be practical here: what does hating yourself get you? More down on yourself than you already are.

Moving right along: what's involved *exactly* in getting this parasite out of your life?

If you don't mind, here's a short list of what's coming to mind:

• Physical distance: How do you a) move out or b) get him to leave?
• Financial distance: protecting your financial assets (savings account, retirements, vehicles, house, etc)
• Emotional distance: al-anon, SR, counselling, detachdetachdetach

IMO, to address the first two items, you need a few consultations with a lawyer. Write down specific questions and bring relevant documentation. Make the appointments efficient and to the point.

I'd also talk to my bank representative if there's an issue of joint accounts...

Next, I'd start moving your important documents to a safe location, like a safety deposit box at the bank, or store them in a locked cabinet at work. I did this when I was preparing to leave XH. I took birth certificates, passports, marriage certificate, lease agreements, utilities bills, etc. From reading you latest update, your situation sounds volatile and if your AH finds out you're preparing to leave, he might destroy important documents you'll need later on.

I know this is a HUGE decision, but really, ask yourself if you want to continue living this life? Do you DESERVE to be treated this way? Also, your son is coming home soon: is this an environment for him to be living in while he completes his collegial studies?

Keep us updated!

JenT1968

HI RHS, sorry things are so crappy right now. (I've very lazily not read tthrough the thread so please ignore if this has been said before)

In my expereince, it was really hard to detach when still in the thick of it, so congratulations on managing it at all, I'll admit I was lousy at it.
One of the things that made it at all possible for me was getting some regular physical space, a holiday, a weekend away, almost like a retreat. Just some time on my own, a chance to think without a new crisis crashing down or new abuse being heaped on, really helped my thinking processes and allowed me to start to get a proper perspective on things. I honestly don't know how people are able to practice detaching full-time under these conditions without some respite. Everyone needs chance to recharge.

therapy helped too, someone gentle and on my side to listen without judgement but pull me up when my thinking was out of kilter with reality. I feel a bit like I was in a war zone, constantly fighting fires, and dodging abuse. It took me a great deal of emotional energy to maintain any detachment when it was my environment, and I sustained emotional damage. Therapy helped me greatly with that.

Redheadsusie

Thank you all so much for your kindness and your words of encouragement and wisdom! I have spoken to an attorney and have already thought of getting important documents to a "safe place". Our accounts are separate already and our cars are separate. We have no savings thanks to his ass not working right now at all and not making more than $22,000 ever. I had retirement but I had to spend it to live. I know he will get nasty and his family will back him as they enable him beyond belief- when he moved out last year - I came home from work one day and he had his 78 year old Father there while he removed our flat screen and the mount from above the fireplace. I felt so bad for his Dad - he looked embarrased - but they have always bailed him out and will do it again. Last night he made the first threatening comment he has ever made and that scared me - I think he was just trying to intimidate me but know enough to know people can snap and I don't want to be the victim of this man. I have too much to live for! He attacks me where he knows it will hurt me and I agree not all alcoholics are abusive- my first AH was not at all - this AH was very abusive to his first wife and yes- I admit I thought it was not gonna happen to me. Boy - Live and learn huh? What a fool. I hve always thought I could take anything and I can - I am strong - I should not have to -but you go after kids - that is another story. I am feeling weary today - very weary in spirit and I just have to pick myself up and be grateful for all I do have which is so much. I have been blessed with 2 sons that I can say are so wonderful and kind and loving and I could go on. They are 18 and 22 and we are so close - I raised them myself and I could not be prouder of them. They are both in college and responsible and truly have their heads on better than AH. Sad - truly but it is what it is. Anyway- I was getting counseling and may start up again. I was going to Al Anon and did not like this particular meeting so I will look for another. I am blessed - Life is good!

nodaybut2day

You're right: he WILL fight back, probably with more venom than he ever has, because you won't be playing the role he scripted for you (i.e. his punching bag and money tree). But if you can take his abuse right now, for no purpose at all, you can handle his thrashing around when you leave, because you'll be on the path to your freedom. Imagine your daily life without his threats, barbs, insults, and general uselessness around the house...

My advice: start documenting any and all threats in a journal. You may need that later on.

Thumper

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can! You have had lots to deal with this year and you can't do everything at once.

So, you know that logistically you can manage without him because you are already doing that.

Take some time to think about why you are still there. I don't mean that in a condescending way at all. We all have reasons for staying and sometimes it is money and logistics and those are actually easy to figure out. In your case, it isn't that. There is something else. There is some reason(s) that you are still married and once you can identify that, you can begin to look at it and figure out how to deal with and address those things specifically.

It wasn't money for me either because like you - I had a job and paid all the bills. It was other stuff. Once I identified the details that were keeping me in the marriage, I began to look at and question my long held beliefs, my reality, etc. I could see and accept all the options that were available to me. By accepting my options, I was able to make choices. Until then it didn't feel like I had choices. I was avoiding the details.

ETA: Sorry - we cross posted. Be cautious with your safety. I know the feeling of weariness. You can do anything - one small step at a time.

Tally

You're lucky in a way to be in the position you are in. You have independant, financial stability and no small children. You could walk out the door tomorrow and never go back.

So I ask, why do you stay with him?

lillamy

(((hugs))) to you.
BTDT got the t-shirt. That is abuse and will be called that under most state laws.
You have the strength. You do.