Is this Typical Alcoholic Behavior........
 

I am detaching from my AH who has lost his job and continues to drink and smoke- although he denies the pot. Is it standard for them to lash out ten fold at you ? According to him I am the biggest B, I am ugly- I am fat- I am not all that I think I am. I am a bad wife.... my kids are aholes- I think am entitled to a great life - provided by him- I make 3 times what he does by the way. I am ungrateful - you name it - I am it~ Oh - and no man in their right mind would put up with me. My gut tells me this is pretty standard and in his twisted mind I will not leave him as I will think I am worthless. It is messing with my self esteem but I know how sick he is so I am trying to ignore it. I am the cause of his whole life being f'ed up. Shame on Me.

Extremely typical and standard practice to lash out - its never about them.

I have been lazy, dont wash enough, dont do enough around the house, just sit and watch TV, have no friends and I am boring but nearly always when I chastise AH about his drinking. The rest of the time AH seems quite content to live with a lazy, boring, smelly wife as long as she is ignoring his drinking.

It does mess with self esteem, but once you realise what they are doing to you, you gain back some power. Dont buy into it for one second and ignore it as best as you can. Most of it (I believe) is a reflection of themselves put back on you.

I have stopped mentioning his drinking because of the personal backlashes and I havent been the butt of this type of abuse for quite a while. In fact I have learnt to say 'stop, I do not need to listen to this' and walk away if the conversation turns personal.

My AH is still very difficult to live with on a bad day but detaching is still a work in progress for me.

Typical or not, this is the reason why no contact is a valid option.

L

I have to agree with the abuse diagnosis. Many times, they will cut us down and stomp all over our self-esteem just to keep us hanging on because we feel we're not worthy of anything better. Of course, that's all a load of BS. No one deserves to be treated that way. You deserve better and you can make it happen. At the very least, you can change your circumstances so you don't have to put up with such abuse.

It's so much easier to blame everyone and everything else than to look in the mirror. The day I was able to turn off my reactions to his drunken ramblings was my first true day of peace.

Absolutely....
 

As an alcoholic in my 20th year, I can verify that that's an active alcoholic.
These are some of the characteristics of us alcoholics: grandiosity, enormous ego and low self esteem, self-will, refuse to take responsibility, never take responsibility.

It takes one to know one....

Nothing you can do or say will affect his alcoholism in any way. The active alcoholic will take you down with him. You are powerless over his alcoholism and can only take care of yourself.

I lived with my XABF when I first started recovery. He was in full blown alcohol addiction and was smoking pot as well. I am not sure when the pot started and I only figured out what he was also using just before we separated.

As soon as I began detaching from him and working my own recovery in earnest, he began to emotionally thrash like a caught fish. He tried everything from sweetness to rage, compliments to venomous finger pointing. Over the course of those last 7 months, I saw it all.

I thank my recovery tools and my HP for giving me the strength to detach with compassion. I could see his response was that of sick man losing grip on the command he thought he had over his life. I did not pity him so much as I accepted him. Pity to me would mean he had no choice when his addiction was in fact of his own choosing.

For me, what you are experiencing is expected. You've been his addiction's support system and when that support begins to give, the addiction rages in all directions. Detachment is healthy. Keeping your focus on your safety and health and your emotions in check takes practice.

Gather your own supporters here, at Al-Anon, with friends who understand, wherever you can find it. You may no longer be holding your addict up, but you will need your own pillars of strength if his behavior still affects you. Sometimes a quick pep talk from an understanding set of ears is all you need to stay on track.

Best wishes,
Alice

yeah...
Every one of those things you listed were pretty typical for my A.
Even the cockamamie ridiculous things like saying they support you when you out earn them, attacking the kids with mean ness..., calling you old, ugly.

They are cockamamaie ridiculous things.. You know this.
Do not let this crap get into your head, or under your skin, Susie...you know this stuff.

Alcohol is awful, makes people into different people, but also, sometimes those people are a little bit of jerks to begin with.

Listen, He is miserable. Who wouldnt be? They have no control over themselves. A major feature of continued alcoholism is cynical views and negativity.

It is just as in any other abusive dynamic: the abuser is lashing out because THEY FEEL inferior, squished somehow, ugly, old... It kind of does not matter why. Just do what you can to let it BOUNCE OFF OF YOU AND STICK TO HIM.

I hope this doesn't come off as mean, but...can you clarify why you are still with him? Or are you in the process of leaving?

Alcoholic or not, verbal abuse (or abuse of any kind) is a deal breaker for me.

((Redheadsusie))

I hate that you are in a relationship with someone who abuses you - yes my sweet friend - I truly believe that this is mental/emotional abuse.

For me, it slowly ate away at myself, my dignity, my self-esteem and my will to live. By God's Grace and a recovery program - I finally got away from this unhealthy life. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it.

I am amazed when i look back and think of the things I tolerated but when in the situation it is difficult to see just how unhealthy and abusive it can be - A good start for me was attending Al-Anon meetings, reading recovery literature, visiting with people here on SR and just allowing myself to communicate with my Higher Power and to start to HOPE for a better life.

Today I'm living that PINKFUL life -One day at a time - I pray that you will too one day!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Sorry, I didn't have the time to read through all the responses - so sorry if this has been already said.

My SRAH's behavior was exactly the same when I started to detach. It got so bad in the last 3 or so months before I left that, I think not one day went by when I didn't have to listen to his negative remarks (name calling, and just general put downs). I realized that all of this was just BS and like you, I tried to ignore it and not let it get to me. And I thought I was doing pretty good at not letting it get to me, only after I left did I realize how much it had affected my self-esteem - I'm still now struggling to rebuild my self-esteem and confidence and if I hear someone call someone else a bitch it makes me cringe now. Just thought I'd share my experience. You deserve much more and I hope that, if you're not ready to leave yet, you are able to put up a clear boundary where you will not accept those types of behaviors from ANYONE.

I wish you all the best and BIG HUGS to you!!!

I am so very grateful for all of your responses and words of wisdom. To NoDayBut2Day good question and that is something I have to figure out. I have 2 great kids, a career I love, a supportive family but this year my Mom died, My Dad is dying of Cancer - I got really sick in June and almost died from Overheating - my youngest just left for college so I have 2 in college and oh yea MENOPAUSE. Nice huh? I am a happy person - am blessed in so many ways but have convinced myself I can't have it all - somehow this is my lot for whatever reason. I know that makes me not well and I own that. I have recently gone on Zoloft and am also take something for Menopause for my nerves. He is so pissed that I am taking care of myself and makes fun of me for it. Empathy is not something he has at all. Actually last night compared me being on anti depressants to having a drug problem. I need to get well and get past this and find the light again. I wish he would just go away and never come back- I feel bad for saying that but it is true. He has sucked the life out of me and I have let him - I need to make the changes for myself and I am taking steps to get there. He told me he was gonna leave me on the streets - which is funny as he is unemployed and I pay the freaking bills. Life is to short - I live that everyday with my Mom passing too young and my Dad heading that way. Thanks again - I am blessed to have this site and you.

I am sorry to hear about your mom and now your dad is ill too. :hug: That is a lot and then to deal with an A treating you so poorly to boot.

I used to wish that all the time. I'm glad to see you are taking steps to make changes because when I accepted that *I* could walk away and never go back....well that was a heck of a moment. It was very difficult and even though I felt very small and confused much of the time, it was empowering too. You've been through a lot this year. One day at a time, being gentle with yourself. If you aren't ready to actually have separate places to live, could you come up with a list of things you can go and do when he starts in. It is so hard to listen to that kind of stuff and you shouldn't have to.

oh wow RedHeadedsuzie...I didn't realize that you hold all the cards! This changes this drastically (somehow I thought you were unemployed and that he paid for everything). So really, it's just a question of shifting your perspective here:

You're taking steps to care for your physical and mental health, despite the difficult times you've been through.
Your kids are in college so you don't have to worry about protecting little kids from the alkie
You have a good career
You have support from your family

Perhaps all that's needed now is shed some dead weight :D And maybe some counselling to get some much needed support?

Have you considered consulting a lawyer and seeing what your options are with regards to separation? It never hurts to get informed...

I think its time for you and I am so glad you see the postives in you...hoping one day, you will get the balls to leave, but until then, keep doing what you are doing and go to al anon....this is your time GIRLFRIEND!

I know my self worth now, i too felt like a low self worth, not anymore

Me too.......NOW!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Good Lord~ AH is a maniac. He got so pissed at me that I am holding him responsible for paying $400 of our $1400 a month mortgage . Cussed me out - Oh yea- thats the way to treat someone who pays 3/4 of the bills. He has not looked for a job at all - I have found him some side work and of course he yells at me about how awful it is etc. I told him to go back to school - find a career you want to be in. He tells me to F off. His way of not dealing with anything. My son is moving back home to attend Community College here and AH wants me to charge him rent and make him pay utilities- the kids is 18- full time college student- good kid. He said to me just now that he should only have to pay 1/4 of the electric bill as I have 2 kids and there are 3 of us and 1 of him . It takes money out of his beer money I guess. What grown man honestly would say such stuff. He actually told me to get a 2nd job just now and he has no job period. WTF?

So, how long are you going to put up with that? It doesn't sound like he has any intention of changing.

If he is an abuser, if he has suck the life out of you, if you are supporting the family....what in the world do you need him for?

What is the payoff for you?

Sit back, think this all through, the answer is right in front of you.