Moving out of State
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Moving out of State
This is a premature post on my part, because I don't know yet if this will even actually come up, but it looks to be at least possible that my boyfriend of almost two years may be moving out of state in about 7 months, and if he does, it is possible that he would ask me and my dd to move with him. Which I would consider doing, because I have lived in the same city all my life, and the town he would be moving to is one I would love to live in and that would be a good place to raise my daughter. The only problem is this....XRAH. He's been sober now for two months, and is living in a sober house, working, working the program, going to church, making recovery friends, the whole nine. He also continues to cling to me as much as he can. I just took our dd to his sober house today for Thanksgiving, as his sister was picking him and her up there and then taking them back later. I took my sister with me the first time to avoid him trying to corner me to "talk about things" or whatever, but when I picked her up I had no buffer and of course it ended up being uncomfortable because he tried to get me to talk to him about "us", and also had apparently coached our daughter to say to me, "Daddy really misses you a lot".
I've been pretty good about keeping my distance though. Since he is doing better, and since he is the father of dd, I have not maintained the "no-contact" I had for about two months while he drank and became homeless, but I only return about 2 of the probably 10 phone calls a week he makes, and I try to keep the convos short and related to our daughter. Frankly, I think he is much more interested in maintaining a relationship with me than with her. When he was drinking, he would frequently say that we were a "package deal". However, when he's sober, he's not a bad person and he does express some interest in wanting to see her/talk to her so for her sake I've been allowing it in situations like the one today, where I knew they had a planned activity as well as supervision in the form of his sister.
If I ended up moving out of state, we would be pretty far away, as in 2000 miles away. I am a teacher, and if I stayed in that field I would have the time to come back to my home state for regular visits, but either way, I would have no problem sending dd back here semi-regularly, like over the x-mas holidays, her spring break, and for a large portion of her summer vacation, during which time she could potentially spend time with her father if he maintained his recovery. Part of me relishes the idea of putting actual physical distance between us, but that wouldn't be my motivation for moving--its more like I want to know if I can or should even be entertaining this possibility, or if it would be too harmful to dd. Legally, let's put it this way--XAH has not lived up to his legal responsibility to her in the form of regular child support payments, so I wouldn't be very afraid that he would even attempt to legally prevent me from moving, and if he did, I'm pretty sure I would "win" a court case, especially if I was willing to designate times of the year she could come back for lengthy visits.
I guess I just wanted some feedback on whether this was a possibility I should even be thinking about or not. I know I can cross the bridge if I come to it, but if I knew for certain that dd and I leaving the state was never going to be possible, it might have some ramifications for my relationship that I would like to address sooner than later, so I don't find myself in the position of having to make some heavy decisions kind of last-minute.
I've been pretty good about keeping my distance though. Since he is doing better, and since he is the father of dd, I have not maintained the "no-contact" I had for about two months while he drank and became homeless, but I only return about 2 of the probably 10 phone calls a week he makes, and I try to keep the convos short and related to our daughter. Frankly, I think he is much more interested in maintaining a relationship with me than with her. When he was drinking, he would frequently say that we were a "package deal". However, when he's sober, he's not a bad person and he does express some interest in wanting to see her/talk to her so for her sake I've been allowing it in situations like the one today, where I knew they had a planned activity as well as supervision in the form of his sister.
If I ended up moving out of state, we would be pretty far away, as in 2000 miles away. I am a teacher, and if I stayed in that field I would have the time to come back to my home state for regular visits, but either way, I would have no problem sending dd back here semi-regularly, like over the x-mas holidays, her spring break, and for a large portion of her summer vacation, during which time she could potentially spend time with her father if he maintained his recovery. Part of me relishes the idea of putting actual physical distance between us, but that wouldn't be my motivation for moving--its more like I want to know if I can or should even be entertaining this possibility, or if it would be too harmful to dd. Legally, let's put it this way--XAH has not lived up to his legal responsibility to her in the form of regular child support payments, so I wouldn't be very afraid that he would even attempt to legally prevent me from moving, and if he did, I'm pretty sure I would "win" a court case, especially if I was willing to designate times of the year she could come back for lengthy visits.
I guess I just wanted some feedback on whether this was a possibility I should even be thinking about or not. I know I can cross the bridge if I come to it, but if I knew for certain that dd and I leaving the state was never going to be possible, it might have some ramifications for my relationship that I would like to address sooner than later, so I don't find myself in the position of having to make some heavy decisions kind of last-minute.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
1. If it were me, before I made the move I'd be sure to have my professional ducks in a row with a teaching position offered from the other state .
Start checking out the school districts in that area to see if they're hiring or in a declining enrollment situation. Also, do these school districts accept your credential with reciprocity from your current state and if not will they hire on provisional until you meet req. for their state. If classes are req. to get clear cred. in new state, is there a university nearby.
2. Like the Beyonce song, is your BF willing " to put a ring on it ? " and is he a fine step-dad?
Start checking out the school districts in that area to see if they're hiring or in a declining enrollment situation. Also, do these school districts accept your credential with reciprocity from your current state and if not will they hire on provisional until you meet req. for their state. If classes are req. to get clear cred. in new state, is there a university nearby.
2. Like the Beyonce song, is your BF willing " to put a ring on it ? " and is he a fine step-dad?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Yes, these are good questions. And part of the reason for the prematurity of the question on my part is that we have to sign our contracts for the next school year in about March or April, and my bf currently works for the schools out here too, so I can see this being an issue in a few months, whether or not we both sign our contracts for the upcoming school year.
I have been wanting to make a career move for a while, and would not be opposed to being more free to explore a new career. In other words, I wouldn't be heartbroken if I couldn't be a teacher in new town, and would instead have to explore other career paths, because I feel like if I stay in old town, I will never really have the impetus to change. As far as "putting a ring on it" goes...I'm not 100% sure I even want to be married again, but I will say that A. new BF is awesome with my daughter and B. I would never move out of state with someone unless I felt that we were a secure family unit, and that's what that move would mean. My bf and I have attended therapy together, and do have pretty good communication skills, so I do feel secure in knowing that if and when this situation came up, it would be because we both wanted to take our relationship to the next level of commitment. It's just for me, right now, I kind of want to know if moving out of state is something I can even reasonably say I would be willing or able to do. Because if it isn't, I think I need to be more proactive in determining if this is a deal-breaker for bf.
I have been wanting to make a career move for a while, and would not be opposed to being more free to explore a new career. In other words, I wouldn't be heartbroken if I couldn't be a teacher in new town, and would instead have to explore other career paths, because I feel like if I stay in old town, I will never really have the impetus to change. As far as "putting a ring on it" goes...I'm not 100% sure I even want to be married again, but I will say that A. new BF is awesome with my daughter and B. I would never move out of state with someone unless I felt that we were a secure family unit, and that's what that move would mean. My bf and I have attended therapy together, and do have pretty good communication skills, so I do feel secure in knowing that if and when this situation came up, it would be because we both wanted to take our relationship to the next level of commitment. It's just for me, right now, I kind of want to know if moving out of state is something I can even reasonably say I would be willing or able to do. Because if it isn't, I think I need to be more proactive in determining if this is a deal-breaker for bf.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
As far as the "is this possible" question goes......a lot depends on the divorce decree and what it says. You may want to consult with an attorney to see if there is anything that would prevent you from moving out of state because of your daughter.
Beyond that......it seems that it will be up to you. It's scary to make those big life changes. It's good that you are giving it careful consideration.
gentle hugs
Beyond that......it seems that it will be up to you. It's scary to make those big life changes. It's good that you are giving it careful consideration.
gentle hugs
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Would you move without the boyfriend in the picture? Let's say you move, if for some reason you 2 break up, do you picture yourself being happy over there anyway?
Also if the dad owes money to his daughter it is only fair he pays for it. It is not for you, it is for his daughter and it is her right. Just sayin'.
Also if the dad owes money to his daughter it is only fair he pays for it. It is not for you, it is for his daughter and it is her right. Just sayin'.
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