He couldn't make it three whole days!
Responsible Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Toledo, OH
Posts: 32
He couldn't make it three whole days!
He couldn't make it through three days of sobriety. I talked to him like 6 times today, all good conversations, all about how proud I am of him and how much I love him and how he believes this is what he needs to do. The last conversation we had he was worried about if I was gonna leave him the first time he fell off the wagon. We talked about in 6 months or a year, if he felt strong enough, what would happen to US if we wnet to a birthday party for his friend or something and he had a couple beers. I thought I handled it pretty well- we'll cross that bridge when we get there, you shouldn't make that your goal (that you can have a few beers after a year or so if you just quit now), right now you don't have the power to stop after two beers so it's easier to just not have any. So he said OK, things were fine, he was going to give some guy a bid on a driveway that had finally called him back (he pours concrete for a living, when he does work). He would try to be home before I got home with the kids. Fine.
So I go to the store and get a card for him telling him I'm there for him, and get him a pack of cigarettes like he asked me to, and get the kids. I'm almost home, and get to the last major intersection before the house and I see him in the straight lane, going towards a part of town he has no business in if he's trying to be sober. He doesn't see me, and I tried to swing around and follow him, but I got caught at the light and I lost him. So I drive around for a minute, hoping to find him, but to no avail.
I get home, finally, me and the kids, and get everyone settled inside, and check the garbage can- new bag. So screw him, I went outside and got the last bag and looked in it, and sure enough, two tall cans of Busch, crushed and empty, next to the McDonalds garbage we had last night.
So I try to call his cell, and sure enough, no answer. I musta called 40 or 50 times, no answer. He had to have been sitting there talking about his recovery with me on the phone, talking about me staying with him to support him if he falls off the wagon, DRINKING A ***** BEER!!!
So I'm crying, left a message on his voice mail about how could he do this to me and the kids- if he didn't want to be better, if he didn't want things to continue to go well with us and the kids and the household, then don't lie to me and tell me he does, all the while DRINKING A ***** BEER!
I figured that this wasn't going to be easy, that someday, probably soon, he would disappoint me, but somehow I got my hopes up and had them slashed down AGAIN.
Does anyone actually ever get better?
So I go to the store and get a card for him telling him I'm there for him, and get him a pack of cigarettes like he asked me to, and get the kids. I'm almost home, and get to the last major intersection before the house and I see him in the straight lane, going towards a part of town he has no business in if he's trying to be sober. He doesn't see me, and I tried to swing around and follow him, but I got caught at the light and I lost him. So I drive around for a minute, hoping to find him, but to no avail.
I get home, finally, me and the kids, and get everyone settled inside, and check the garbage can- new bag. So screw him, I went outside and got the last bag and looked in it, and sure enough, two tall cans of Busch, crushed and empty, next to the McDonalds garbage we had last night.
So I try to call his cell, and sure enough, no answer. I musta called 40 or 50 times, no answer. He had to have been sitting there talking about his recovery with me on the phone, talking about me staying with him to support him if he falls off the wagon, DRINKING A ***** BEER!!!
So I'm crying, left a message on his voice mail about how could he do this to me and the kids- if he didn't want to be better, if he didn't want things to continue to go well with us and the kids and the household, then don't lie to me and tell me he does, all the while DRINKING A ***** BEER!
I figured that this wasn't going to be easy, that someday, probably soon, he would disappoint me, but somehow I got my hopes up and had them slashed down AGAIN.
Does anyone actually ever get better?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Yes Mindy,
They do actually get better. But they have to want to get better. And they have to do it for their own good, not for anyone else's. He is never going to stay sober for you or the kids or any other reason. He is only going to stay sober because he wants it for himself. And, in my opinion, without the help of the AA program, it is very hard for alcoholics to maintain their sobriety.
You need to find a way for life to work for you whether he drinks or not. If your life is going to disintegrate every time he has a slip, you could be in for a long, rough patch.
None of this is easy, but one day at a time, it's possible. The best thing you can do right now is to focus on taking care of you and your kids. There is nothing that you can do to keep him sober. That is up to him.
Peace,
Gabe
You need to find a way for life to work for you whether he drinks or not. If your life is going to disintegrate every time he has a slip, you could be in for a long, rough patch.
None of this is easy, but one day at a time, it's possible. The best thing you can do right now is to focus on taking care of you and your kids. There is nothing that you can do to keep him sober. That is up to him.
Peace,
Gabe
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
((((((Mindy))))))
I remember being on the cell phone with my AH when he was trying to stop using. He was driving in the car, telling me he was on his way home. He was saying how tempting it was to drive to this highway, turn right, go down this street, etc, etc to get his fix, but that he wasn't going to do it.
I was so proud of him. I was sitting at home, waiting, waiting....Don't you know he ended up going down that highway, turning right, going down that street, etc, etc, to get his fix?
I had many conversations like the one you described where he was either using, getting ready to use, or had just finished using.
But you know what? They do get better. AH hasn't used in over a year. And there are plenty of A's here that have been in recovery for many years and are living proof that people can and do get better, every day.
I know how upset you are. I did the calling the cell phone 50 times thing. I left the crying messages on his voice mail. I did the check the trash cans thing. I did it all and more. And it did nothing but make me crazy. And finally, I started going to al-anon, b/c I was sick and tired of being sick and crazy.
It's time you started taking care of you. Your A will keep drinking until he's really ready to work at staying sober. But that doesn't mean you can't start getting better now.
Hugs,
JG
I remember being on the cell phone with my AH when he was trying to stop using. He was driving in the car, telling me he was on his way home. He was saying how tempting it was to drive to this highway, turn right, go down this street, etc, etc to get his fix, but that he wasn't going to do it.
I was so proud of him. I was sitting at home, waiting, waiting....Don't you know he ended up going down that highway, turning right, going down that street, etc, etc, to get his fix?
I had many conversations like the one you described where he was either using, getting ready to use, or had just finished using.
But you know what? They do get better. AH hasn't used in over a year. And there are plenty of A's here that have been in recovery for many years and are living proof that people can and do get better, every day.
I know how upset you are. I did the calling the cell phone 50 times thing. I left the crying messages on his voice mail. I did the check the trash cans thing. I did it all and more. And it did nothing but make me crazy. And finally, I started going to al-anon, b/c I was sick and tired of being sick and crazy.
It's time you started taking care of you. Your A will keep drinking until he's really ready to work at staying sober. But that doesn't mean you can't start getting better now.
Hugs,
JG
Responsible Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Toledo, OH
Posts: 32
He comes home and says he was at an AA meeting. He had a slightly stressful day dealing with his mother and another minor inconvenience, so he says he wanted to go to another meeting tonight, then comes home and says he wants to go to yet ANOTHER meeting tonight at 8:30. I don't believe him. He wanted money to get a Big Book this evening to go to (supposedly) another meeting tomorrow morning @ 7:45. I wouldn't give it to him.
What if he's not lying for once? I'm so torn by wanting him to do the right thing, go to meetings, get better. But I can't trust him, I don't believe a word he says, and his explanation for the beer in the garbage was he didn't want to go to AA meetings with beer cans in the back of his truck. That makes sense, but I also know he's smart enough to know that going to meetings is something I want him to do- therefore if he tells me he's going to a meeting, I'll believe him and he'll leave, free to do whatever he wants. And of course now it's my fault. "If you're going to bitch no matter what, I'm not going to anymore meetings. You're not going to happy with me either way." That's not true! I was in such a good mood these last few days! Did I just screw up what could have been a good thing?
What if he's not lying for once? I'm so torn by wanting him to do the right thing, go to meetings, get better. But I can't trust him, I don't believe a word he says, and his explanation for the beer in the garbage was he didn't want to go to AA meetings with beer cans in the back of his truck. That makes sense, but I also know he's smart enough to know that going to meetings is something I want him to do- therefore if he tells me he's going to a meeting, I'll believe him and he'll leave, free to do whatever he wants. And of course now it's my fault. "If you're going to bitch no matter what, I'm not going to anymore meetings. You're not going to happy with me either way." That's not true! I was in such a good mood these last few days! Did I just screw up what could have been a good thing?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
(((MindyK)))
The bigger question is will you get better? Will you stop focusing on what he does? Will you stop looking through the garbage, or trying to find his newest hiding place? Will you stop calling him 40 or 50 times? I know it hurts, I’ve been there, done all of those things myself and more. Let him make his own choices and let him be responsible for the outcome of his choices. You can’t control him, you can’t change him, and you can’t cure him. He has to want it more than anything else and he has to do it for HIMSELF first, not you, not the kids, not anyone else.
What you can do is take care of you and the kids. Do something nice for yourself and them. Let him know you’re there to offer support and encouragement if he chooses to seek sobriety. You have to learn to let go and don’t set expectations, you will surely be disappointed. If it helps at all, from my experience and from what I’ve read, many A’s have lots of relapses when they first start trying to stay sober, the reason for that is they don’t REALLY believe they can NEVER drink again.
Hang in there, it will get better.
Hugs,
The bigger question is will you get better? Will you stop focusing on what he does? Will you stop looking through the garbage, or trying to find his newest hiding place? Will you stop calling him 40 or 50 times? I know it hurts, I’ve been there, done all of those things myself and more. Let him make his own choices and let him be responsible for the outcome of his choices. You can’t control him, you can’t change him, and you can’t cure him. He has to want it more than anything else and he has to do it for HIMSELF first, not you, not the kids, not anyone else.
What you can do is take care of you and the kids. Do something nice for yourself and them. Let him know you’re there to offer support and encouragement if he chooses to seek sobriety. You have to learn to let go and don’t set expectations, you will surely be disappointed. If it helps at all, from my experience and from what I’ve read, many A’s have lots of relapses when they first start trying to stay sober, the reason for that is they don’t REALLY believe they can NEVER drink again.
Hang in there, it will get better.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
I agree with what
Rainy said.
As long as you stay entrenched in his comings. goings. slippings and stories...you will never be able to focus on what you need to do for you.
Let him go. Put him in God's hands. Don't waste your time searching for evidence or demanding explanations. There is no honest explanation for what he is doing. And alcoholics will lie like the Devil himself to try and make you believe that they are on the straight and narrow when they aren't. He's only going to get it when he is ready to get it. There is nothing you can do to hasten that process.
In the meantime, focus on what you and your kids need to have a happy life. And what you can do to make that happen. Do one small thing every day to make your life better. The road to recovery is taken one baby step at a time. Be gentle with yourself.
Peace,
Gabe
As long as you stay entrenched in his comings. goings. slippings and stories...you will never be able to focus on what you need to do for you.
Let him go. Put him in God's hands. Don't waste your time searching for evidence or demanding explanations. There is no honest explanation for what he is doing. And alcoholics will lie like the Devil himself to try and make you believe that they are on the straight and narrow when they aren't. He's only going to get it when he is ready to get it. There is nothing you can do to hasten that process.
In the meantime, focus on what you and your kids need to have a happy life. And what you can do to make that happen. Do one small thing every day to make your life better. The road to recovery is taken one baby step at a time. Be gentle with yourself.
Peace,
Gabe
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: outta my mind
Posts: 43
Hi Mindy,
If you look in your last post, you will see at the bottom where you say you were in such a good mood the last few days...
The reason you were in a good mood seems to be that he wasn't drinking. I think this is why you are having a hard time right now.
I too, when I first started this Alanon thing, and told the A I was going, then he didn't drink for a while and I thought to myself "My Gosh, it's working already." Well I am sure you can imagine what happened....he drank again and I felt so crushed.
I had to realize Mindy, and someday you will realize it to, that me being in a good mood should have nothing to do with him. He will do what he wants, when he wants and nothing I do or say, good mood or bad will change that.
When I finally figured this out, it was almost a physical relief to just let go. I learned that my getting in a bad mood was my way to try and control him, show him that I was upset, thinking that this would make him not drink, if he "really"loved me he wouldn't do it. He didn't care either way, he told me the same thing yours tells you, well you are just going to bitch either way so I may as well enjoy it.
Now, it is still hard, still trying and sometimes I slip. But I really don't react to things like this anymore. This way I don't get the blame for the choices he makes.
I know it is hard Mindy, believe me. But listen to what the people here are telling you. Take care of you, take care of your kids. You can do it, one baby step at a time. I had to start counting every time I didn't react, and praise myself for that. It may seem like nothing, but it starts to feel really good.
I used to check the garbage for alcohol, I would try and smell it on him, I would get mad and throw fits and give him hell when he was going out, then I would call his cell and bitch at him until he got to the place he was going. I did eventually realize it didn't matter what I did, he was going to do his thing and will continue to do his thing until he doesn't want to anymore. It may be tomorrow, it may be never, but I can't change that.
The only thing I can change is how I react to things, and how much I let his choices affect me and my daily life.
Take Care Mindy and take care of you....
If you look in your last post, you will see at the bottom where you say you were in such a good mood the last few days...
The reason you were in a good mood seems to be that he wasn't drinking. I think this is why you are having a hard time right now.
I too, when I first started this Alanon thing, and told the A I was going, then he didn't drink for a while and I thought to myself "My Gosh, it's working already." Well I am sure you can imagine what happened....he drank again and I felt so crushed.
I had to realize Mindy, and someday you will realize it to, that me being in a good mood should have nothing to do with him. He will do what he wants, when he wants and nothing I do or say, good mood or bad will change that.
When I finally figured this out, it was almost a physical relief to just let go. I learned that my getting in a bad mood was my way to try and control him, show him that I was upset, thinking that this would make him not drink, if he "really"loved me he wouldn't do it. He didn't care either way, he told me the same thing yours tells you, well you are just going to bitch either way so I may as well enjoy it.
Now, it is still hard, still trying and sometimes I slip. But I really don't react to things like this anymore. This way I don't get the blame for the choices he makes.
I know it is hard Mindy, believe me. But listen to what the people here are telling you. Take care of you, take care of your kids. You can do it, one baby step at a time. I had to start counting every time I didn't react, and praise myself for that. It may seem like nothing, but it starts to feel really good.
I used to check the garbage for alcohol, I would try and smell it on him, I would get mad and throw fits and give him hell when he was going out, then I would call his cell and bitch at him until he got to the place he was going. I did eventually realize it didn't matter what I did, he was going to do his thing and will continue to do his thing until he doesn't want to anymore. It may be tomorrow, it may be never, but I can't change that.
The only thing I can change is how I react to things, and how much I let his choices affect me and my daily life.
Take Care Mindy and take care of you....
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Mindy,
I definitely can relate to how you feel. I also have been told exactly what you are hearing here. I have to admit, at first, I was taken back by what I was hearing from others...I remember thinking to myself What? I should change? Are they nuts, I'm the one that is taking care of the house, our son, the dogs, the bills...I'm the stable one! I thought, I don't drink with him, I don't buy it for him, hell, I don't even drink...but I need to change? I remember when he first went into a rehab program and I was invited to the family and friends program and I heard a lot about alcoholism and its effects on everyone in the family. I heard other family members talk about their reactions and I remember a light bulb going off in my head and thinking...oh my gosh, I AM part of the problem!! I was terrified of going to alanon for the first time, partly, because it meant for me, having to admit I too had a problem....but I was so overwhelmed with the welcome I received. I took to heart when I heard "do something nice for yourself daily"...I started doing nice things, things I like doing..reading, taking a bath, talking on the phone to a friend, playing a game, playing with my son...and guess what? It DOES help...I took it one step further, I started writing a journal, but not a normal journal about HIM, it was a gratitude journal....I started listing 5 things that I am thankful for every day...sometimes he was on the list, sometimes not...and when I started to feel really feel down, I'd look at that list. Also, I have a good friend, who is very well aware of the situation, and instead of yelling at him, I'd call her and talk to her. I'd also talk at my alanon meetings...I was on step 1 for weeks and weeks..it seemed!
Anyhow, it DID get better...did he? I think that the changes I've felt have been because of me worrying about me...he's an adult and he's going to do what he wants to do...no matter what I say, think or do to prevent it..so why try?
I hope you realize that everyone here has been there, done that and knows how you feel and that people just care
Keep coming back and start doing something nice for you each day!
Sped teach
I definitely can relate to how you feel. I also have been told exactly what you are hearing here. I have to admit, at first, I was taken back by what I was hearing from others...I remember thinking to myself What? I should change? Are they nuts, I'm the one that is taking care of the house, our son, the dogs, the bills...I'm the stable one! I thought, I don't drink with him, I don't buy it for him, hell, I don't even drink...but I need to change? I remember when he first went into a rehab program and I was invited to the family and friends program and I heard a lot about alcoholism and its effects on everyone in the family. I heard other family members talk about their reactions and I remember a light bulb going off in my head and thinking...oh my gosh, I AM part of the problem!! I was terrified of going to alanon for the first time, partly, because it meant for me, having to admit I too had a problem....but I was so overwhelmed with the welcome I received. I took to heart when I heard "do something nice for yourself daily"...I started doing nice things, things I like doing..reading, taking a bath, talking on the phone to a friend, playing a game, playing with my son...and guess what? It DOES help...I took it one step further, I started writing a journal, but not a normal journal about HIM, it was a gratitude journal....I started listing 5 things that I am thankful for every day...sometimes he was on the list, sometimes not...and when I started to feel really feel down, I'd look at that list. Also, I have a good friend, who is very well aware of the situation, and instead of yelling at him, I'd call her and talk to her. I'd also talk at my alanon meetings...I was on step 1 for weeks and weeks..it seemed!
Anyhow, it DID get better...did he? I think that the changes I've felt have been because of me worrying about me...he's an adult and he's going to do what he wants to do...no matter what I say, think or do to prevent it..so why try?
I hope you realize that everyone here has been there, done that and knows how you feel and that people just care
Keep coming back and start doing something nice for you each day!
Sped teach
Responsible Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Toledo, OH
Posts: 32
You guys are absolutely wonderful and I'm so glad I found this site. I know you all know everything you told me is easier said than done, but at least it all makes sense to me. He came right home last night, after his supposed "meeting", and I couldn't smell any beer on him. That doesn't mean he didn't do it, but as I told him this morning, I still don't quite believe him about yesterday, but today is a new day. And it's Halloween, and the kdis are going trick or treating as a teddy bear and Superman, and I just want to enjoy that. Thank you all for everything.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Madison, OH
Posts: 14
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. I can relate, but I am learning to take care of myself first now days. Thank you to everyone who encouraged Mindyk. In doing so you all have also encouraged me. I have to remind myself minute by minute that it is not me and it is not my problem.
Today my husband never even made it home for our son's second year of trick or treating and he said he was going to be home early in the day and wanted to come. No call no show, but reguardless I still enjoyed my time with my son. I'm still hurt, but I can't take it personally because I know that I am a worth while person. He's missing out on life not me. I'm learning to enjoy all the blessings God gave to me. God bless and take care of you.
Today my husband never even made it home for our son's second year of trick or treating and he said he was going to be home early in the day and wanted to come. No call no show, but reguardless I still enjoyed my time with my son. I'm still hurt, but I can't take it personally because I know that I am a worth while person. He's missing out on life not me. I'm learning to enjoy all the blessings God gave to me. God bless and take care of you.
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Mindy,
You have already received some great advice and encouragement from others here; It IS about taking care of yourself.
I know these feelings well also, and I have lived through exactly what you are right now.
It HAS to stop being about them.
It has to stop being about what they are feeling, what they are doing, if they are drinking or trying to stay sober, where they are going, who they are talking to, and what their plans are...
WE have to stop reacting, stop believing their lies because we WANT them to be true, stop following them, stop questioning them, stop snooping, stop trusting them with things we WANT them to be responsible for, Stop having expectations of them...
If we can STOP making it about them, we can begin to make it about US; WE need recovery, WE need love and encouragement, WE need to take care of ourselves.
Sending positive thoughts and hugs your way
Meg
You have already received some great advice and encouragement from others here; It IS about taking care of yourself.
I know these feelings well also, and I have lived through exactly what you are right now.
It HAS to stop being about them.
It has to stop being about what they are feeling, what they are doing, if they are drinking or trying to stay sober, where they are going, who they are talking to, and what their plans are...
WE have to stop reacting, stop believing their lies because we WANT them to be true, stop following them, stop questioning them, stop snooping, stop trusting them with things we WANT them to be responsible for, Stop having expectations of them...
If we can STOP making it about them, we can begin to make it about US; WE need recovery, WE need love and encouragement, WE need to take care of ourselves.
Sending positive thoughts and hugs your way
Meg
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