jess9776

I hope I can get a chance to reply now. Yesterday, he got up shortly after I posted and could not get a chance to get back on.

Thanks so much everyone for your concern. He was being very nice and apologetic yesterday. I realize too how easy it is to get sucked back in when they're being nice.

I am not working right now, but don't really need to be. I get enough social security survivor's benefits for my 3 dd's and me to survive on. It is nice to have my license to fall back on if I need to though.

I will call the DV shelter as soon as I get a chance to. It's hard cause he's always here and when I take my middle dd to preschool if I take too long, he "sarcastically" asks me who I met with. So, I'd only have about 15 mins to try and talk to them.

His UC money is almost all gone. He JUST got paid on Wed, and now almost all of it is gone. $35 is all that's left. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of how I can't rely on him to help support his babies.

I am not too worried about him going on my computer and looking things up. He's probably one of the few people left in the world who doesn't know how to use a computer.

Someone asked about my car. It is my car. However, if I took the keys and hid them, he'd probably freak out on me and start his garbage up. I guess I could call the police then, though.

I'm so scared to tell him to leave. He was up again all last night, drinking and doing god knows what. I smelled that strange smell again last night, and if that's what he's doing, I told him I didn't want that garbage in my home, I don't want to risk losing MY kids over his stupidity. But, apparently he doesn't care and doesn't respect anything I ask of him. I would love to tell him today to get his things and go TODAY. I worry that he would try and grab one of the babies and take off with one, or both. That scares me more than anything.

Someone mentioned not to worry too much about contacting a lawyer, as I'm considered the primary caregiver of the babies since abf and I aren't married. What does that mean?

I feel a little better today. Worried about if he's cheated on me, hopefully I haven't been exposed to anything; hopefully he hasn't picked up anything...he says he hasn't done anything, but who knows. Please, please god or who or whatever's out there let me have escaped any diseases. It's bad enough my older dd's lost their father, I don't need to be checking out any time soon.

He'll probably continue to be all nice today, I'm sure---whenever he wakes up, that is.

I do have family around. My mom has an idea and knows he drinks too much. She's asked if he treats us all well, in spite of it. I lie and tell her everything's fine. I'm so very embarrassed to tell even my mom about what's going on. It all goes back to HOW did I get involved in this again. How?! I am looking and emailing a lady about moving out of here anyway, our place is too small anymore for us. I was hoping to look at it this weekend. Unfortunately, he knows about this.

I wanted to cry reading everyone's replies. It helps to get it all out. My biggest concern is if he just tries to grab one of my babies and leave if I tell him to get out. I would be sick.

naive

hi jess-

your safety is the most important thing.

if you are scared to ask him to leave, then pay attention to that. do not rock the boat!

perhaps it's best if you leave, rather than asking him to leave. most of them don't leave anyway, they just dig their heels in.

i'm wondering if maybe you could take a holiday to your mother's house with the children? you don't have to make an issue of it, just merely tell him that you are going to visit with your mother. you could even invite him along because he won't go anyway as he can't drink and smoke there.

then, once you are at your mother's house, you will be able to make the phone calls to the domestic violence people and get your plan together.

Buffalo66

Yes, you do need to be concerned about your worries, because he is unpredictable,a nd he is under the influence of something, even when he is "sober".

Do take the 15 minutes, or whtever you have to make the call to the shelter. Tell them you fear that he may take a child.

Can you plan out telling him to go, and plan to have a person there, who can remain calm, and can call for help if needed? Can the domestic violence center have an advocate present when you do so?? these are good questions to ask.

Also consider putting a PFA in place, which in my state is simple. You only need to ask for it. That way, if you do ask him to leave, he cannot act badly, stalk you, or otherwise without the threat of police action.

I was the one who mentioned you are the primary caregiver. When my A was here, and he was what I considered dangerous, I thought he may have been violent, and I called the DV center for help, they told me that in my state, the mother generally has primary caregiver status, since, first off, the older kids are yours, not his...as far as the little babies go, you need to tell them if he ever has spent time out of the home.

In any case, if you leave, making a call to them, getting it on record, then it will be on record that you fear for their safety. EVEN IF he never laid a hand on them or even you.

Once again, even if you cannot get an advocate to assist you in asking him to leave, you can ask a trusted family friend to be there, perhaps someone non threatening to him, or maybe there is someone who he will be inhibited in the presence of. My A would never be out of hand in front of his older brother, but he is reasonable, and sane.

Start thinking these things through, even if he has a few good days where he is "behaving well"...because he will go back to the scary behavior.

Let me say here, also that it is completely controlling and abusive to monitor how long it takes you to go somewhere in your own car. This concerns me.

He does that because he knows somewhere in there that he is not treating you properly, and is nervous that you will seek help, and you should seek help. Funny how even he knows that, somewhere in there, no?

When things are going well for a few days, or hours, or even weeks, it may feel wrong for you to be planning to toss him out, but, just try to think ahead, and remember the times you have felt afraid. It will haoen again, if he is this controlling already. Try to remember that your kids need to feel safe, too. And this is why you are doing this, not to mention your own self, who deserves better treatment, no matter what.

You are doing the right thing.

Also, I want to say that it may help to try and keep your mind clear of asking yourself why you ended up here, for now. It will only dilute your focus, and if you get yourself free from threat and worry, there will be plenty of time for you to do the self searching work that is necessary to understand all of that.

seekingcalm

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are smart and strong and you will get through it.

After reading your last post, I wonder, "Can you have someone watch your babies elsewhere, while you tell him to leave...can you alert the police in advance of your fears?"

I would take the advice given here and contact that domestic violence hotline...they will advise you.

Please keep reading and posting...there is so much support, and wisdom and experience at SR...I am glad you found us.

nodaybut2day

hi Jess...I just wanted to send you a hug of commiseration today. I remember how it was to have to sneak away for every single precious minute or else I'd be accused of boinking any male passerby or of "hiding" something mysterious. It got to the point where I was highly secretive with *everyone* because I was so used to hiding things from XAH, and I got very good at lying convincingly. I had to.

I'd really encourage you to speak with your mother. She knows deep down what's going on. My mother did too...I was too proud and embarassed to admit that I'd let myself become the punching bag of an alcoholic. When I did open up, she was just...so heart-broken for me, but it helped lift a big wall that had settled between us. I really think it would help you if you felt you had her support...

I agree with Naive about "taking a holiday" at your mom's with your children. Would that be possible?

I really think you need a bit of space and time to think things out without having him constantly looking over your shoulder, heaping abuse on you. For the sake of your poor children, I sincerely hope you can get away.

*hugs* to you.

jess9776

I don't know about "taking a holiday." We live only about 5 mins away from her, so that would probably seem strange if we did that.

I forgot to mention, that I live in PA. I know which shelter to call and where it is, since I used them when I left my late h. They were so extrememly helpful.

I am wondering if I should still go and take a look at the house that I've been wanting to see. I got an email from the lady today and I'd love to go look this weekend. It seems perfect.

It's so good to know (or perhaps be reminded) that I'm not alone in this. This is just new in the sense that I've never dealt with a partner who uses alcohol and drugs. To me, it seems to add a sense of more danger just because of how unpredictable someone under the infuence can be. That scares me. Not to diminish any abuse, however.

I am going to try and call them today, let them know my fears about my babies. He does seem as though he really does love them, they are his only children, and I wonder if the idea of him not being around them would drive him to do strange things, yk? He always says he'd never hurt me or any of my kids, but one never knows.

I've also in the past month or so started documenting things. I also wanted to add that his name is NOT on my lease. It's just in my name only. I was thinking of possibly speaking to one of his 3 siblings (older brother and 2 sisters). I've seen his sisters threaten him in the past that he "better treat me right." Apparently this has happened before.

nodaybut2day

Excellent Jess! Keep documenting daily and quietly seeking resources that can help you. I'm glad to see that the lease is in your name only...it'll make it easier to make him leave. I believe other SR members have been through something like that and might have wisdom to share with you about their experience.

And yes, he may "seem as though he really loves his children", but that hasn't stopped him from drinking himself into a stupor regularly and in their presence. If I were you, I'd be thinking of seeking supervised visitation only for him.

sassyea

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You so are not alone believe this! I am new to Alanon and this forum so I am careful to offer up any advice. Find your local Al-Anon, church and or synagogue. Do not try and go through this nightmare alone. Post here as I do.

boskerbear

unfortunately you may wanna go get tested anyways. My XABF kept telling me he would never cheat on me or be with another woman (when he was sober), but when drunk he would threaten it. I kinda shrugged it off, but then when i was pregnant one of my std tests came back positive. I was freaking out, cause i knew it wasnt me fooling around, it was him. Thankfully it was an std that was cleared up with a dose of pills. It could have been worse, but that was bad enough. If i didnt find out about it i could have ruined my whole reproductive system, or passed it on to someone else when i find someone, that is.

Live

when you do call the domestic violence center, then phone another common number so that he cannot hit redial or the * numbers and trace you.

mine also kept an eye on the odometer altho' he would never have admitted it. To check my "story" against the mileage.

Things can go south very very fast and unexpectedly. Please be cautious and aware in all that you do, I am sure that you are.

naive

hi jess-

i would not confide in his family as they will have split allegiences and might clue him into the fact that you are thinking of leaving.

please consider confiding in your mother. even though she is only 5 minutes away, you could say that she needs your help with something...like the christmas decorating, or cleaning out the attic or her back is sore...whatever.

or your sister or brother or aunty or anyone you trust.

and then, drive there, leaving him without the car.

the reason that i am suggesting this is to give you time to formulate a plan and be able to meet with the DV people or even to go and see the house you might move to.

i wouldn't take him to go and see the new house. best if he doesn't know where it is for now.

and i agree wholeheartedly with buffalo to request support from the DV people when you inform him that you are moving on without him.

he sounds very controlling. you are going to need to get some people involved in order to secure your safety and the safety of the children. if you don't have 15 minutes to yourself to make a phone call, he's a control freak. and throw in the heavy drugs and the booze and that makes it a very volitile situation.

Buffalo66

Can you Private message me and tell me where you are in Pa? I am also in Pa, which is good, as the laws are probably the same if not similar where you are.

I dont like to post publicly my exact location for personal reasons.

I would be happy to do some research for you, based on where you are. Just click on my name icon, and it will take you to my profile, then click to send me a message, if you feel comfortable with that, of course.

nodaybut2day

Yes, please get yourself tested. I know it's an added stress, but it'll be a weight off your shoulders once it's done. I delayed and delayed because I wanted to pretend everything was ok, but now that I've been tested and now that I know exactly what I have (HSV) --and don't have (everything else!), I realize that I'd been freaking myself out for nothing. Yes, it's with me for life, but like the stretchmarks on my belly, it's a reminder that I survived quite an experience and came out ok.

Learn2Live

I agree about the std testing; I was in the same situation and the act of going for the tests really drove home the fact that my life was actually in danger from this person. I had become the frog in the pot.

Freedom1990

Please make that call, please.

The hair stood up on the back of my neck when I read all the things he's done to you.

I left my abuser, and I'm grateful to be alive today.

The shelter will help. He will escalate. I speak from experience.

jess9776

So much happened yesterday. I called the shelter. They told me that I could file for custody of the twins; offered me shelter if I need it, and just let me talk.

My mom came to visit yesterday and my oldest dd told my mom that something was going on. My mom asked and I started crying and telling her what was up. I didn't tell her everything, as what I told her was enough. She told me that my dad was the same way, nothing was ever his fault, his drinking was b/c of her, she wasn't smart enough, etc. She asked why I didn't say anything and I told her I was embarrassed, ashamed that I picked ANOTHER one. She told me it's not my fault. She said that she's going to let my brothers know what what's going on, she let my stepdad know as well. He said that if I need to, we're more than welcome to move back home.

She said if it was her, his stuff would be out on the lawn. She's appalled that he's not helping financially, said he's like my 6th kid.

Now of course, he was sleeping through all of this, but I think he got up at one point and must've heard. He kept asking me all last night after she left, what were we talking about, what did my mom say I should do? He was on the defensive. I told him I can't keep going on like this. I told him he needs to get into some kind of rehab or something. Of course all he said is, I'll cut back. I can't quit entirely, I'm not going to stop drinking.

I'm kind of in shock today. I'm getting there, I think it's only a matter of time now.

Live

I am so very glad you got some family support and help from the experts in your local area. It is all very frightening, isn't it? And once we begin to talk about it we acknowledge the reality of it that we have "had" to squash down while we are just trying to survive it.

Buffalo66

Jess!

Great first steps!

Good for you, and thank goodness you have family that are compassionate and concerned and understanding.

Great job! How brave you are being!

He will probably not stop, and he said as much. He may "cut back", but, he will most likely edge back up to a destructive level. Keep working it out.

jess9776

Buffalo, sadly that is what happened when the babies were born. Things were absolutely wonderful when he was not drinking. Then, the drinking started. He made it over a week then (I know, big deal). Why he couldn't stay away, I'll never know. He did really well, then. It's sad. It really is.

naive

well done, jess!

i am so glad that you have a loving, supportive family to help you.

i want to communicate that leaving an alcoholic can be dangerous. it is critical that you are careful now. i am speaking from my own experience.

i would not communicate to him that you are planning on leaving. i would line up all my ducks and make a move and communicate from your safe place.

it would be good to have an emergency quick exit plan, in case he becomes violent. this is a bag that you can grab and leave quickly should you need to. i had one and i used it. i put in it a pay as you go phone, some cash, a spare set of car keys, and a piece of paper with important phone numbers, logins, bank numbers, etc.

if you feel threatened, you can always grab this bag and go. i hope you don't have to use it.

another thing which i did was i got my important papers out of the house. you could take them to your mother's perhaps. things like birth certificates, passports, leases, car documents, etc....store these off-site.

as for your move (should you choose to go), i wouldn't talk to him about this at all. i also would not talk about him quitting drinking anymore. lay low, make your plans, when you are ready, leave.

you can have all those conversations from your safe place. do not have them now because things can escalate in one minute with a drunk.

stay safe! that is the most important thing.