I'm new, don't know where to post first, but I need to get this out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 21
I'm new, don't know where to post first, but I need to get this out
Hello everyone. I'm 34 years old and grew up with an alcoholic father and I’m new here, been lurking for quite some time. I know this will be all over the place but this is the first time I’ve “talked” about this to anyone and I need to get it out.
I’ve been with my abf now for almost 2 years. We have 3 ½ month old twins together a beautiful little girl and handsome little man, I have 3 wonderful, beautiful girls from my first marriage (verbally abusive, he completed suicide a few years ago after I left him and he was served with a pfa). I know I need to get away from him, but I’m scared. I’m embarrassed that I got into a relationship with him after what I went through with my late h. I thought I learned my lesson that time, guess I didn’t. I feel stupid for it. I feel stupid for putting my girls through this; I feel badly for my babies who have a drunk and (I think) crack addict for a dad. I can't or rarely go out to visit my mom or anyone cause it's not worth it. It's not worth it to come home to a drunk who will then accuse me of being with someone else.
He blames me for everything. He lost his job right before the babies were born. He lives here with us, does very little. He gets angry at me for his giving up his apartment to live here with us. His credit is shot. He never has money. What money he gets for unemployment is gone so quickly. He'll buy a little bit of groceries and thinks I should be grateful for that. I paid for almost everything that the twins have; the carseats, the stroller, the pack and play, diapers, formula for my little girl who doesn’t want to nurse but her brother does, thankfully. I buy pretty much all their clothes. He spends his money on beer and I really think, drugs. He does practically nothing around here. I wash clothes, clean floors, the bathroom, sweep floors, cook, wash dishes. He sometimes will do dishes and takes out the trash, and I ever do that sometimes. I’m not looking for pity, just venting. Yet he yells at me for things I don’t get accomplished. Last night, for instance, he was out visiting his uncle and later, a friend, and I didn’t get the chicken I bought wrapped up and put in the freezer. He comes home and flips out and is all huffing about how, “I’ll get it,” because he wrapped up the chicken. It has leaked in the fridge before, that’s why he gets mad. He tells me to get with the program, I don’t do anything, etc. Meanwhile, every single day, he sleeps til 11 or 12 after staying up almost all night drinking. Sometimes he’ll then take another nap later in the day. How can someone sleep so much?! He says he need time for himself that's why he goes out and stays out for at lest 4-5 hrs at a time, not everyday, but close enough. I actually like it when he's gone. Except when I hear him come in cause I don't know what kind of mood he'll be in.
He loves to say that I’m the reason my h killed himself. I know that’s not true, and I tell him as much. I didn’t know he was part of my marriage back then!
He tells me that he’ll take the babies since they’re “his kids.” That’s what scares me. He has no car, has no problem taking my car which I pay for, pay insurance on, and he’ll drink and drive using it. Leaves me with 5 kids and no car. I’ve told him thousands of times not to. I would love to call the police on him and have them catch him and give him a DUI. He has admitted to smoking crack before and I think he still does cause I swear I smell it at night when I’m sleeping. Or I’ve seen him in the am with burns on his lips. It’s disgusting. I need to get away from him, I know that. But I feel stuck somehow. I feel like I don’t know what the first thing I should do is. Do I talk to a lawyer, do I talk to the shelter, I don’t know. I feel like my mind is just circling and circling. I feel dumb, I’m an RN (not currently working) you’d think I’d know what to do.
He constantly accuses me of cheating on him….like I have time for that! With 5 kids who I pretty much care for on my own, I have no time left for myself let alone ANOTHER man!
He will get up and scream in my face and call me names like b*tch and c**t and say f-you to me. I’m just so sick of this. I’m sick of him. I pretty much do everything on my own as it is. I just fear for my babies if I leave. I wonder what he’ll be like when I leave, will he stalk me, or try to hurt me when it’s time for him to visit my babies?
He has this large, firm belly that he blames on getting fat from not working…yeah right.
He’s thrown water on me, pushed me once or twice, he threatens me with getting sex elsewhere since I hardly every give him any. He sometime will say that our little girl is his (she looks like him), but not our son and that I must’ve had sex with someone else right after I had it with him when I got pregnant. He used to want a DNA all the time. He’s “checked” my private (don’t know if I can say proper terms here) with his finger to see if I am “too wet” which he says that if I am, I must’ve had sex with someone already.
I think you all get the point. I just don’t know where to start. I’m almost there and ready to kick him out but am just stuck. I really think I hate him anymore. He’s so nice when sober, but when drunk, he’s a vile disusting piece of humanity. I don't know how I got to this point of taking so much crap from another human being. I left my late h after he called me a c*nt ONE time and after putting up with years of his abuse. My abf is a million times worse. What a failure I am! Thanks for reading and letting me get this out.
I’ve been with my abf now for almost 2 years. We have 3 ½ month old twins together a beautiful little girl and handsome little man, I have 3 wonderful, beautiful girls from my first marriage (verbally abusive, he completed suicide a few years ago after I left him and he was served with a pfa). I know I need to get away from him, but I’m scared. I’m embarrassed that I got into a relationship with him after what I went through with my late h. I thought I learned my lesson that time, guess I didn’t. I feel stupid for it. I feel stupid for putting my girls through this; I feel badly for my babies who have a drunk and (I think) crack addict for a dad. I can't or rarely go out to visit my mom or anyone cause it's not worth it. It's not worth it to come home to a drunk who will then accuse me of being with someone else.
He blames me for everything. He lost his job right before the babies were born. He lives here with us, does very little. He gets angry at me for his giving up his apartment to live here with us. His credit is shot. He never has money. What money he gets for unemployment is gone so quickly. He'll buy a little bit of groceries and thinks I should be grateful for that. I paid for almost everything that the twins have; the carseats, the stroller, the pack and play, diapers, formula for my little girl who doesn’t want to nurse but her brother does, thankfully. I buy pretty much all their clothes. He spends his money on beer and I really think, drugs. He does practically nothing around here. I wash clothes, clean floors, the bathroom, sweep floors, cook, wash dishes. He sometimes will do dishes and takes out the trash, and I ever do that sometimes. I’m not looking for pity, just venting. Yet he yells at me for things I don’t get accomplished. Last night, for instance, he was out visiting his uncle and later, a friend, and I didn’t get the chicken I bought wrapped up and put in the freezer. He comes home and flips out and is all huffing about how, “I’ll get it,” because he wrapped up the chicken. It has leaked in the fridge before, that’s why he gets mad. He tells me to get with the program, I don’t do anything, etc. Meanwhile, every single day, he sleeps til 11 or 12 after staying up almost all night drinking. Sometimes he’ll then take another nap later in the day. How can someone sleep so much?! He says he need time for himself that's why he goes out and stays out for at lest 4-5 hrs at a time, not everyday, but close enough. I actually like it when he's gone. Except when I hear him come in cause I don't know what kind of mood he'll be in.
He loves to say that I’m the reason my h killed himself. I know that’s not true, and I tell him as much. I didn’t know he was part of my marriage back then!
He tells me that he’ll take the babies since they’re “his kids.” That’s what scares me. He has no car, has no problem taking my car which I pay for, pay insurance on, and he’ll drink and drive using it. Leaves me with 5 kids and no car. I’ve told him thousands of times not to. I would love to call the police on him and have them catch him and give him a DUI. He has admitted to smoking crack before and I think he still does cause I swear I smell it at night when I’m sleeping. Or I’ve seen him in the am with burns on his lips. It’s disgusting. I need to get away from him, I know that. But I feel stuck somehow. I feel like I don’t know what the first thing I should do is. Do I talk to a lawyer, do I talk to the shelter, I don’t know. I feel like my mind is just circling and circling. I feel dumb, I’m an RN (not currently working) you’d think I’d know what to do.
He constantly accuses me of cheating on him….like I have time for that! With 5 kids who I pretty much care for on my own, I have no time left for myself let alone ANOTHER man!
He will get up and scream in my face and call me names like b*tch and c**t and say f-you to me. I’m just so sick of this. I’m sick of him. I pretty much do everything on my own as it is. I just fear for my babies if I leave. I wonder what he’ll be like when I leave, will he stalk me, or try to hurt me when it’s time for him to visit my babies?
He has this large, firm belly that he blames on getting fat from not working…yeah right.
He’s thrown water on me, pushed me once or twice, he threatens me with getting sex elsewhere since I hardly every give him any. He sometime will say that our little girl is his (she looks like him), but not our son and that I must’ve had sex with someone else right after I had it with him when I got pregnant. He used to want a DNA all the time. He’s “checked” my private (don’t know if I can say proper terms here) with his finger to see if I am “too wet” which he says that if I am, I must’ve had sex with someone already.
I think you all get the point. I just don’t know where to start. I’m almost there and ready to kick him out but am just stuck. I really think I hate him anymore. He’s so nice when sober, but when drunk, he’s a vile disusting piece of humanity. I don't know how I got to this point of taking so much crap from another human being. I left my late h after he called me a c*nt ONE time and after putting up with years of his abuse. My abf is a million times worse. What a failure I am! Thanks for reading and letting me get this out.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i'm sorry that you are yet another person living with the effects of alcoholism and all the demons that come with it.
your post was totally about him and what he does.
i have been where you are now, so i understand.
but i had to start thinking about myself. was this what i wanted for therest of my life???????? my axh nearly cost me my life. i had to leave the marriage just to survive.
please do something nice for yourself today. try to empty you head of all his problems and fill your mind with peace and serenity just for today.
your post was totally about him and what he does.
i have been where you are now, so i understand.
but i had to start thinking about myself. was this what i wanted for therest of my life???????? my axh nearly cost me my life. i had to leave the marriage just to survive.
please do something nice for yourself today. try to empty you head of all his problems and fill your mind with peace and serenity just for today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 89
Dear Jess9776,
Welcome! Here is a big group hug for you
You are in the right place! Keep coming back! I am a newbie myself, but there are lots of folks on this forum who probably have shared an experience very similar to yours. You will find LOTS and LOTS of support here!
We are so glad you are here!
You may want to check out the Stickies section at the top of the Friends and Family forum page- lots of good stuff there.
craven
Welcome! Here is a big group hug for you
You are in the right place! Keep coming back! I am a newbie myself, but there are lots of folks on this forum who probably have shared an experience very similar to yours. You will find LOTS and LOTS of support here!
We are so glad you are here!
You may want to check out the Stickies section at the top of the Friends and Family forum page- lots of good stuff there.
craven
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 177
i don't think anyone has to tell you that you NEED to get this guy out of your house. my god, you have 5 babies to worry about. and by the sounds of this guy, he's not any help to you whatsoever...it would not be a great loss to kick him out of your life. let the courts decide about visitatioin.... most sensible judges will not let him take the kids alone if they find out he's a crack head and drives around drunk.... please go seek some professional advice from a lawyer or counselor or even your church pastor. you really need to get him away from you and your kids.
and you are not a failure. i went out with so many guys that were abusive and alcoholics and i wondered if i was a loser becasue i was attracted to that "bad boy" kind of guy. well i married a guy who is so far from a "bad boy" type but it didn't make any difference..he's still an alcoholic and verbally abusive when he's drunk. sometimes i think "maybe its me. maybe god is punishing me for something i did a long time ago".... maybe we are the type that always sees the good in people. i wish i were more perceptive about them before i start getting so involved. but i know i am a good person. i have a high capacity to love which i think makes me so vunerable. but honey, what's done is done.... you take your licks and you move on and hope that if you meet someone again like him you learn the signs and run for the hills!
we all make mistakes.....
and you are not a failure. i went out with so many guys that were abusive and alcoholics and i wondered if i was a loser becasue i was attracted to that "bad boy" kind of guy. well i married a guy who is so far from a "bad boy" type but it didn't make any difference..he's still an alcoholic and verbally abusive when he's drunk. sometimes i think "maybe its me. maybe god is punishing me for something i did a long time ago".... maybe we are the type that always sees the good in people. i wish i were more perceptive about them before i start getting so involved. but i know i am a good person. i have a high capacity to love which i think makes me so vunerable. but honey, what's done is done.... you take your licks and you move on and hope that if you meet someone again like him you learn the signs and run for the hills!
we all make mistakes.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
You already know the answer to most of your own questions.
There is a line we each have to draw as to where our boundaries are and how much we will tolerate, settle for, or accept as a way of life. Where is your boundary line?
The situation is about YOU, and the above--your boundary lines. It is your life, you call the shots! NOBODY in this life is going to enforce our boundaries for us. Just the opposite in a lot of cases, that weak boundary lines will be abused. Life demands that we be tough that way, enforcing our own boundaries on how we are treated. Standing up for yourself can only be done by you.
My sympathies. If you are afraid, you need to call a shelter. It sounds like you are.
There is a line we each have to draw as to where our boundaries are and how much we will tolerate, settle for, or accept as a way of life. Where is your boundary line?
The situation is about YOU, and the above--your boundary lines. It is your life, you call the shots! NOBODY in this life is going to enforce our boundaries for us. Just the opposite in a lot of cases, that weak boundary lines will be abused. Life demands that we be tough that way, enforcing our own boundaries on how we are treated. Standing up for yourself can only be done by you.
My sympathies. If you are afraid, you need to call a shelter. It sounds like you are.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi jess and welcome-
if you tell us what state you're in, we could help you find resources in your area that might be able to help you.
i'm glad you are here and reaching out. no one should have to live with that kind of abuse. and it is abuse.
any family that could take you and the children in for the short term until we figure out a plan?
naive
if you tell us what state you're in, we could help you find resources in your area that might be able to help you.
i'm glad you are here and reaching out. no one should have to live with that kind of abuse. and it is abuse.
any family that could take you and the children in for the short term until we figure out a plan?
naive
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 139
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! You and your babies don't deserve to be treated that way. NO one does. It sounds like you're ready to leave. First thing make copies of all financial records and take them to your attorney.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. There are many wise people here and they have so much experience to share. Please stay and post often and read, read, read.
Hugs to you. You can do this.
FGB
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. There are many wise people here and they have so much experience to share. Please stay and post often and read, read, read.
Hugs to you. You can do this.
FGB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Jess,
I think, first off, I want to say that posting and reading here is going to help a lot.
I see my past in your post, and I know there are hundreds of people on this board who will, also.
Second, I want to ask you to be careful to log out of here and erase your history each time you log in. It is just a smart precautionary measure.
I think you know this, but I want to acknowledge to you that you are being, without question, emotionally, psychologically, mentally, and sexually abused. I feel that you do not deserve that, and I am so sorry that it is happenening to you, and especially while you have babies to care for, and older kids to look after. It's just horrible. You do not deserve that.
My A did the DNA threat, he accused me of cheating while I was still up all night with our now 5 year old newborn,and while he was out every night with bar girls and whoever else... he chastised me for not doing enough while he did the bare minimum or nothing.
He also threatened to "take" our son sometimes.It scared me, but it was ludicrous. He was a messy drunk.
I know that you also probaly know this, but I want to empower you with another acknowledgement: the accusations and blame is crazy making. it is truly insanity for him to think one twin is his and the other is not. Perhaps you can use that insanity to help you gauge and cement into your mind the severity of what alcoholism can do to a persons logic, to their mind, to their paranoia.
Let me say that alcoholism is a terrible, serious disease that affects everyone differently, and you are in what sounds like a very dangerous timebomb situation.
Alcoholism is progressive, and even without throwing crack or meth into the mix, even at a "casual"(!!) level, it can be threatening to your and your childrens' safety.
When my A was an active drinker, he would say and do things that I simply could not believe, and in my disbelief, I would and did lay down in sadness and denial, I would excuse it away.
I know you probably go through a lot of ups and downs, feeling sometimes like you cannot bear even one more day, and then sort of "forgetting" all of the pain and fright and terror when he has a few and far between 'good days', or maybe even stretches of good behavior.
You may experience that he behaves so badly, harming you, assaulting you verbally or accusing you of things, and when you get to a point where you feel a swell of resolve to really take action to leave, he may sense that and change for a few days, do what you want or need from him, which leads you to feel it's just 'not that bad...'. He will then creep back into a bad way, begin harming you again.
I am familiar with and I know many here at SR are also, with the sense of self loathing that comes with having allowed or continuing to allow yourself to be abused, allowing your children to witness it, or also to become victims of it.
I know it seems hopeless and insurmountable right now, but you really do need to remove yourself and your kids, and I think you have a great instinct to contact a shelter. Do so without him there. They will help you outline a plan, to assess the danger he may pose if you do.
You are not married, so, a lawyer is not in the first step. You may not need a lawyer to work out the kid stuff, as he is in a bad way, and you are the implied primary caregiver.
Some questions:
Do you have family? Are they nearby? Close, trusted friends that are your friends, not his?
Is his family aware of or at all sympathetic to your situation regarding his drinking?
Can you begin to imagine living a life free of the threat of uncertainty and emotional or physical violence?
What is your financial dependency level with him? you said he collect UC, do you?
It may be difficult to imagine being alone with all those kids, but, you said you pretty much do everything on your own anyway. Try to begin allowing yourself to see a life where you do all of that without the fright and anxiety of him coming through the door in who knows what state or mood, having consumed who knows what.
Begin to imagine yourself free of all of that mess, because it is not your disease.
You have choices.
PLease do call your local shelter today, and tell them what you are dealing with. they will ask a lot of questions. Be very honest.
Also, look up your domestic abuse center. They will have a lot of resources.
And, once again, if he has access to the computer, please delete your history, so he does not see that you are seeking help to get out. Just a cautionary measure.
Keep posting here. It will help you
Bless you, you are in my thoughts.
I think, first off, I want to say that posting and reading here is going to help a lot.
I see my past in your post, and I know there are hundreds of people on this board who will, also.
Second, I want to ask you to be careful to log out of here and erase your history each time you log in. It is just a smart precautionary measure.
I think you know this, but I want to acknowledge to you that you are being, without question, emotionally, psychologically, mentally, and sexually abused. I feel that you do not deserve that, and I am so sorry that it is happenening to you, and especially while you have babies to care for, and older kids to look after. It's just horrible. You do not deserve that.
My A did the DNA threat, he accused me of cheating while I was still up all night with our now 5 year old newborn,and while he was out every night with bar girls and whoever else... he chastised me for not doing enough while he did the bare minimum or nothing.
He also threatened to "take" our son sometimes.It scared me, but it was ludicrous. He was a messy drunk.
I know that you also probaly know this, but I want to empower you with another acknowledgement: the accusations and blame is crazy making. it is truly insanity for him to think one twin is his and the other is not. Perhaps you can use that insanity to help you gauge and cement into your mind the severity of what alcoholism can do to a persons logic, to their mind, to their paranoia.
Let me say that alcoholism is a terrible, serious disease that affects everyone differently, and you are in what sounds like a very dangerous timebomb situation.
Alcoholism is progressive, and even without throwing crack or meth into the mix, even at a "casual"(!!) level, it can be threatening to your and your childrens' safety.
When my A was an active drinker, he would say and do things that I simply could not believe, and in my disbelief, I would and did lay down in sadness and denial, I would excuse it away.
I know you probably go through a lot of ups and downs, feeling sometimes like you cannot bear even one more day, and then sort of "forgetting" all of the pain and fright and terror when he has a few and far between 'good days', or maybe even stretches of good behavior.
You may experience that he behaves so badly, harming you, assaulting you verbally or accusing you of things, and when you get to a point where you feel a swell of resolve to really take action to leave, he may sense that and change for a few days, do what you want or need from him, which leads you to feel it's just 'not that bad...'. He will then creep back into a bad way, begin harming you again.
I am familiar with and I know many here at SR are also, with the sense of self loathing that comes with having allowed or continuing to allow yourself to be abused, allowing your children to witness it, or also to become victims of it.
I know it seems hopeless and insurmountable right now, but you really do need to remove yourself and your kids, and I think you have a great instinct to contact a shelter. Do so without him there. They will help you outline a plan, to assess the danger he may pose if you do.
You are not married, so, a lawyer is not in the first step. You may not need a lawyer to work out the kid stuff, as he is in a bad way, and you are the implied primary caregiver.
Some questions:
Do you have family? Are they nearby? Close, trusted friends that are your friends, not his?
Is his family aware of or at all sympathetic to your situation regarding his drinking?
Can you begin to imagine living a life free of the threat of uncertainty and emotional or physical violence?
What is your financial dependency level with him? you said he collect UC, do you?
It may be difficult to imagine being alone with all those kids, but, you said you pretty much do everything on your own anyway. Try to begin allowing yourself to see a life where you do all of that without the fright and anxiety of him coming through the door in who knows what state or mood, having consumed who knows what.
Begin to imagine yourself free of all of that mess, because it is not your disease.
You have choices.
PLease do call your local shelter today, and tell them what you are dealing with. they will ask a lot of questions. Be very honest.
Also, look up your domestic abuse center. They will have a lot of resources.
And, once again, if he has access to the computer, please delete your history, so he does not see that you are seeking help to get out. Just a cautionary measure.
Keep posting here. It will help you
Bless you, you are in my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I feel dumb, I’m an RN (not currently working) you’d think I’d know what to do.
Jess, I must respectfully but vehemently disagree with the idea that you are dumb or you would know what to do.
I love RN's, my mother was an RN and my sister is an RN.
I know they do not give nursing degrees to dumb people. After all, RN's do all the work yes? lol
Now, you must take steps to get away. I would say first make an emergency plan.
Call the Domestic Violence hotline, I am sure it is in one of the stickies on this forum.
Alcohol is bad enough, but my ex when he started smoking crack became unpredictable, as in violent rages and uncontrollable anger.
You and your lovely children will be better without him in your lives.
Usually, an addicts threats about taking the children are just, well, stupid.
They do not have the braincells or the follow through it would take to do that.
Kids get in the way of the party.
You can support yourself as an RN. That is excellent.
Get help from the state until you can get to work again.
You deserve it and you have earned it.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi Jess, and WELCOME to SR! There's a lot of support and experience to be had here. I'm glad you found us.
I don't have too much time to post right now, but I just wanted to tell you this: You are being abused in more ways than one. Have you thought of talking to a social worker about your situation? Have you considered calling the domestic abuse hotline and seeing what resources they can refer you to?
You are definitely NOT alone in your situation. My X was abusive, manipulative, and an alcoholic/drug user.
Please keep coming back and post as much as you want. SR is ALWAYs open.
I don't have too much time to post right now, but I just wanted to tell you this: You are being abused in more ways than one. Have you thought of talking to a social worker about your situation? Have you considered calling the domestic abuse hotline and seeing what resources they can refer you to?
You are definitely NOT alone in your situation. My X was abusive, manipulative, and an alcoholic/drug user.
Please keep coming back and post as much as you want. SR is ALWAYs open.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Welcome to SR.
There is a Sticky section on the top of the forum - lots of good reading
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Here are the first links on that webpage:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!)
Domestic Violence and Chemically Involved Partners
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (DV and Chemically involved partners)
Safety Plan in Potentially Violent Situations
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Safety Plan in Potentially Violent Situations.)
Hotline Phone Numbers
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (DV Hotline Phone Numbers & Related Information)
We are rooting for you and your kids here. Those threats about him keeping the children is intimidation. I know there are legal mechanisms that would give you full custody of them. And if he gets visitation, it can be supervised so your kids are not harmed. I am not a lawyer but remember there are laws to protect the children and protect the responsible adult, he is not God and it is not only up to him what happens with the kids.
I wish you the best and am sending prayers your way. You are so very strong, jess, and it takes guts to share. Thanks for trusting us and I am glad you are asking for help. Lots of ESH here...
I have not married or had kids but I had an ABF, and have been emotionally & sexually abused several times. I am learning those painful experiences do not define me. I am way more than those. And although I have made many mistakes, I am not at fault for what other people have said or done to me. SR, therapy and Alanon have helped me realize I have done my best, that I can heal and that I deserve joy and love in my life.
Welcome again and please check those links above-
There is a Sticky section on the top of the forum - lots of good reading
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Here are the first links on that webpage:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!)
Domestic Violence and Chemically Involved Partners
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (DV and Chemically involved partners)
Safety Plan in Potentially Violent Situations
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Safety Plan in Potentially Violent Situations.)
Hotline Phone Numbers
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (DV Hotline Phone Numbers & Related Information)
We are rooting for you and your kids here. Those threats about him keeping the children is intimidation. I know there are legal mechanisms that would give you full custody of them. And if he gets visitation, it can be supervised so your kids are not harmed. I am not a lawyer but remember there are laws to protect the children and protect the responsible adult, he is not God and it is not only up to him what happens with the kids.
I wish you the best and am sending prayers your way. You are so very strong, jess, and it takes guts to share. Thanks for trusting us and I am glad you are asking for help. Lots of ESH here...
I have not married or had kids but I had an ABF, and have been emotionally & sexually abused several times. I am learning those painful experiences do not define me. I am way more than those. And although I have made many mistakes, I am not at fault for what other people have said or done to me. SR, therapy and Alanon have helped me realize I have done my best, that I can heal and that I deserve joy and love in my life.
Welcome again and please check those links above-
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by jess9776 
I know I need to get away from him, but I’m scared. I’m embarrassed that I got into a relationship with him after what I went through with my late h. I thought I learned my lesson that time, guess I didn’t. I feel stupid for it. I feel stupid for putting my girls through this; I feel badly for my babies who have a drunk and (I think) crack addict for a dad.
I feel embarrassed and stupid too- even though I know I should not be embarrassed or feel stupid. My AH sounds very much like yours. I'm sorry you are in this situation.
I can't or rarely go out to visit my mom or anyone cause it's not worth it. It's not worth it to come home to a drunk who will then accuse me of being with someone else.
Yep, I know this all too well. Does he sit there waiting for you, waiting to pounce? It's a dreadful feeling walking into that mess. Makes you not want to come home?
He blames me for everything. He lost his job right before the babies were born. He lives here with us, does very little. He gets angry at me for his giving up his apartment to live here with us. His credit is shot. He never has money. What money he gets for unemployment is gone so quickly. He'll buy a little bit of groceries and thinks I should be grateful for that. I paid for almost everything that the twins have; the carseats, the stroller, the pack and play, diapers, formula for my little girl who doesn’t want to nurse but her brother does, thankfully. I buy pretty much all their clothes. He spends his money on beer and I really think, drugs. He does practically nothing around here. I wash clothes, clean floors, the bathroom, sweep floors, cook, wash dishes. He sometimes will do dishes and takes out the trash, and I ever do that sometimes. I’m not looking for pity, just venting.
My AH gives me the "I pay the bills" speech and has told me that "I'm a worthless piece of ****"
Yet he yells at me for things I don’t get accomplished. Last night, for instance, he was out visiting his uncle and later, a friend, and I didn’t get the chicken I bought wrapped up and put in the freezer. He comes home and flips out and is all huffing about how, “I’ll get it,” because he wrapped up the chicken. It has leaked in the fridge before, that’s why he gets mad.
[COLOR="Red"]Who cares why he is mad? Let him huff and do it himself. If it wasn't the chicken being wrapped...he'd more than likely be mad about something else? That seems to be his excuse to hammer you?
[/COLOR]
He tells me to get with the program, I don’t do anything, etc. Meanwhile, every single day, he sleeps til 11 or 12 after staying up almost all night drinking. Sometimes he’ll then take another nap later in the day. How can someone sleep so much?! He says he need time for himself that's why he goes out and stays out for at lest 4-5 hrs at a time, not everyday, but close enough.
My AH likes putting me down. He seems to pride himself on it by giving me a piece of his mind, and sharing his expertise in how much better he is than me.
I actually like it when he's gone. Except when I hear him come in cause I don't know what kind of mood he'll be in.
I LOVE when my AH is gone! He doesn't come in anymore.
He loves to say that I’m the reason my h killed himself. I know that’s not true, and I tell him as much. I didn’t know he was part of my marriage back then!
Things you have told him in confidence may be used against you when all his other methods fail. My AH has done that to me.
He tells me that he’ll take the babies since they’re “his kids.” That’s what scares me. He has no car, has no problem taking my car which I pay for, pay insurance on, and he’ll drink and drive using it. Leaves me with 5 kids and no car. I’ve told him thousands of times not to.
Maybe you can hide your keys? It is your car?
I would love to call the police on him and have them catch him and give him a DUI. He has admitted to smoking crack before and I think he still does cause I swear I smell it at night when I’m sleeping. Or I’ve seen him in the am with burns on his lips. It’s disgusting. I need to get away from him, I know that. But I feel stuck somehow. I feel like I don’t know what the first thing I should do is. Do I talk to a lawyer, do I talk to the shelter, I don’t know. I feel like my mind is just circling and circling. I feel dumb, I’m an RN (not currently working) you’d think I’d know what to do.
I'm sorry you feel stuck. I know that feeling. You are not dumb.
He constantly accuses me of cheating on him….like I have time for that! With 5 kids who I pretty much care for on my own, I have no time left for myself let alone ANOTHER man!
My AH has done the accusing constantly and I never owed him an explanation. I shouldn't have felt that I needed to defend myself.
He will get up and scream in my face and call me names like b*tch and c**t and say f-you to me. I’m just so sick of this. I’m sick of him. I pretty much do everything on my own as it is. I just fear for my babies if I leave. I wonder what he’ll be like when I leave, will he stalk me, or try to hurt me when it’s time for him to visit my babies?
Oh my.... my AH to a tee. The words are identical to what I would hear from his mouth. I got sick of him too.
He’s thrown water on me, pushed me once or twice, he threatens me with getting sex elsewhere since I hardly every give him any. He sometime will say that our little girl is his (she looks like him), but not our son and that I must’ve had sex with someone else right after I had it with him when I got pregnant. He used to want a DNA all the time.
I have also had drinks thrown on me, been pushed, and threatened with "getting sex elsewhere". However I did tell him to "please find someone else".
He’s “checked” my private (don’t know if I can say proper terms here) with his finger to see if I am “too wet” which he says that if I am, I must’ve had sex with someone already.
My AH would also say if I wasn't having sex with him, I must be getting it elsewhere. That was never the case. Just another excuse to trample me.
I think you all get the point. I just don’t know where to start. I’m almost there and ready to kick him out but am just stuck. I really think I hate him anymore. He’s so nice when sober, but when drunk, he’s a vile disusting piece of humanity. I don't know how I got to this point of taking so much crap from another human being. I left my late h after he called me a c*nt ONE time and after putting up with years of his abuse. My abf is a million times worse. What a failure I am! Thanks for reading and letting me get this out.
I used to think it was the alcohol, then I realized AH has 2 separate problems. Alcoholism and Abusive ways. It wasn't just when he drinks. Even when sober... he isn't all that nice.
I feel embarrassed and stupid too- even though I know I should not be embarrassed or feel stupid. My AH sounds very much like yours. I'm sorry you are in this situation.
I can't or rarely go out to visit my mom or anyone cause it's not worth it. It's not worth it to come home to a drunk who will then accuse me of being with someone else.
Yep, I know this all too well. Does he sit there waiting for you, waiting to pounce? It's a dreadful feeling walking into that mess. Makes you not want to come home?
He blames me for everything. He lost his job right before the babies were born. He lives here with us, does very little. He gets angry at me for his giving up his apartment to live here with us. His credit is shot. He never has money. What money he gets for unemployment is gone so quickly. He'll buy a little bit of groceries and thinks I should be grateful for that. I paid for almost everything that the twins have; the carseats, the stroller, the pack and play, diapers, formula for my little girl who doesn’t want to nurse but her brother does, thankfully. I buy pretty much all their clothes. He spends his money on beer and I really think, drugs. He does practically nothing around here. I wash clothes, clean floors, the bathroom, sweep floors, cook, wash dishes. He sometimes will do dishes and takes out the trash, and I ever do that sometimes. I’m not looking for pity, just venting.
My AH gives me the "I pay the bills" speech and has told me that "I'm a worthless piece of ****"
Yet he yells at me for things I don’t get accomplished. Last night, for instance, he was out visiting his uncle and later, a friend, and I didn’t get the chicken I bought wrapped up and put in the freezer. He comes home and flips out and is all huffing about how, “I’ll get it,” because he wrapped up the chicken. It has leaked in the fridge before, that’s why he gets mad.
[COLOR="Red"]Who cares why he is mad? Let him huff and do it himself. If it wasn't the chicken being wrapped...he'd more than likely be mad about something else? That seems to be his excuse to hammer you?
[/COLOR]
He tells me to get with the program, I don’t do anything, etc. Meanwhile, every single day, he sleeps til 11 or 12 after staying up almost all night drinking. Sometimes he’ll then take another nap later in the day. How can someone sleep so much?! He says he need time for himself that's why he goes out and stays out for at lest 4-5 hrs at a time, not everyday, but close enough.
My AH likes putting me down. He seems to pride himself on it by giving me a piece of his mind, and sharing his expertise in how much better he is than me.
I actually like it when he's gone. Except when I hear him come in cause I don't know what kind of mood he'll be in.
I LOVE when my AH is gone! He doesn't come in anymore.
He loves to say that I’m the reason my h killed himself. I know that’s not true, and I tell him as much. I didn’t know he was part of my marriage back then!
Things you have told him in confidence may be used against you when all his other methods fail. My AH has done that to me.
He tells me that he’ll take the babies since they’re “his kids.” That’s what scares me. He has no car, has no problem taking my car which I pay for, pay insurance on, and he’ll drink and drive using it. Leaves me with 5 kids and no car. I’ve told him thousands of times not to.
Maybe you can hide your keys? It is your car?
I would love to call the police on him and have them catch him and give him a DUI. He has admitted to smoking crack before and I think he still does cause I swear I smell it at night when I’m sleeping. Or I’ve seen him in the am with burns on his lips. It’s disgusting. I need to get away from him, I know that. But I feel stuck somehow. I feel like I don’t know what the first thing I should do is. Do I talk to a lawyer, do I talk to the shelter, I don’t know. I feel like my mind is just circling and circling. I feel dumb, I’m an RN (not currently working) you’d think I’d know what to do.
I'm sorry you feel stuck. I know that feeling. You are not dumb.
He constantly accuses me of cheating on him….like I have time for that! With 5 kids who I pretty much care for on my own, I have no time left for myself let alone ANOTHER man!
My AH has done the accusing constantly and I never owed him an explanation. I shouldn't have felt that I needed to defend myself.
He will get up and scream in my face and call me names like b*tch and c**t and say f-you to me. I’m just so sick of this. I’m sick of him. I pretty much do everything on my own as it is. I just fear for my babies if I leave. I wonder what he’ll be like when I leave, will he stalk me, or try to hurt me when it’s time for him to visit my babies?
Oh my.... my AH to a tee. The words are identical to what I would hear from his mouth. I got sick of him too.
He’s thrown water on me, pushed me once or twice, he threatens me with getting sex elsewhere since I hardly every give him any. He sometime will say that our little girl is his (she looks like him), but not our son and that I must’ve had sex with someone else right after I had it with him when I got pregnant. He used to want a DNA all the time.
I have also had drinks thrown on me, been pushed, and threatened with "getting sex elsewhere". However I did tell him to "please find someone else".
He’s “checked” my private (don’t know if I can say proper terms here) with his finger to see if I am “too wet” which he says that if I am, I must’ve had sex with someone already.
My AH would also say if I wasn't having sex with him, I must be getting it elsewhere. That was never the case. Just another excuse to trample me.
I think you all get the point. I just don’t know where to start. I’m almost there and ready to kick him out but am just stuck. I really think I hate him anymore. He’s so nice when sober, but when drunk, he’s a vile disusting piece of humanity. I don't know how I got to this point of taking so much crap from another human being. I left my late h after he called me a c*nt ONE time and after putting up with years of his abuse. My abf is a million times worse. What a failure I am! Thanks for reading and letting me get this out.
I used to think it was the alcohol, then I realized AH has 2 separate problems. Alcoholism and Abusive ways. It wasn't just when he drinks. Even when sober... he isn't all that nice.
I hope you get to feeling better. I'm glad you started talking about it.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
Wish I could have met you under more positive circumstances...but...life is what it is, we need to figure out how to turn a bad situation into a good situation.
It is not ususual for someone in the field of helping others to be an enabler and or caretaker. It is the very attribute that works so well at the job that can cripple us in our personal life...we want to help, we want to save others, we are there for them...it is what is ingrained in our head. It is what we know, however, what we do not know is that as with everything in life, there must be bounderies, there must be limits, if not,our life becomes a mess, a free for all.
Your children come first, they hear and see everything, they do not deserve to be raised in such a toxic home, think with your head and not your heart, formulate a plan, get back to work, stash as much money as you can, figure out how to escape..the sooner the better.
I know that you are a good mom, keep posting it will help.
Wish I could have met you under more positive circumstances...but...life is what it is, we need to figure out how to turn a bad situation into a good situation.
It is not ususual for someone in the field of helping others to be an enabler and or caretaker. It is the very attribute that works so well at the job that can cripple us in our personal life...we want to help, we want to save others, we are there for them...it is what is ingrained in our head. It is what we know, however, what we do not know is that as with everything in life, there must be bounderies, there must be limits, if not,our life becomes a mess, a free for all.
Your children come first, they hear and see everything, they do not deserve to be raised in such a toxic home, think with your head and not your heart, formulate a plan, get back to work, stash as much money as you can, figure out how to escape..the sooner the better.
I know that you are a good mom, keep posting it will help.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Jess hon, I am glad you are thinking about how to get yourself out of this. First, you have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Second, safety is priority. Please do not have sex with this person without condoms. What you have relayed in your post he has said to you accusing you of sleeping around when you have been pregnant all this time and just recently gave birth, plus the threats to go elsewhere because you are not having sex with him, plus he likely is smoking crack, are huge red flags to me that he is having sex with others. Also, if he is smoking crack he is not safe to be around children, especially unsupervised.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am afraid that this situation can only get worse. Please phone a domestic violence hotline and get their discreet and professional assistance in reclaiming your children's and your beautiful lives.
You deserve so very much more than this. and that guy scares the crap out of me!
You deserve so very much more than this. and that guy scares the crap out of me!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 73
RN? That's an awesome accomplishment. Our educational level and our profession, our level of intelligence do not deem us immune from choosing wrong men, making poor choices. There are countless resources out there for you to learn how not to repeat that error.
Today, however, from where I'm sitting while reading your tragic story, this is 100% about those five babies. See, you can take responsibility for picking loser men, but those babies had no part in it. They did not choose these guys and they do not deserve to be sbjected for one more hour with that individual.
I would urge you to reach out to local resources and make yourself willing to get some immediate help. God Bless you as you are challenged to make some big decisions. We owe our children the healthiest living environment we can reasonably provide.
There are choices!!
Today, however, from where I'm sitting while reading your tragic story, this is 100% about those five babies. See, you can take responsibility for picking loser men, but those babies had no part in it. They did not choose these guys and they do not deserve to be sbjected for one more hour with that individual.
I would urge you to reach out to local resources and make yourself willing to get some immediate help. God Bless you as you are challenged to make some big decisions. We owe our children the healthiest living environment we can reasonably provide.
There are choices!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Regina, SK
Posts: 57
Oh Jess I feel for ya. You have it alot rougher than I do. I can't even imagine going through all this and having children around too. I was pregnant with my XABF's twins and had a miscarriage due to the stress he put me through. To this day I still hear about how i "murdered" his babies by not taking good enough care of myself, lol.
I hope you can find someway to get this man out of your home. He has no right being there. It scares me to think about him being violent and drunk with the children around. Is there a family member who could perhaps come stay with you for a bit and help out?
There is certainly no need to feel stupid at all. You seem very bright and its wonderful that you want to stop his manipulating, lying, mooching, etc. I wish you the best of luck. Finding this forum was the best thing i could have done to start out with.
I'm fairly new here, but welcome!
I hope you can find someway to get this man out of your home. He has no right being there. It scares me to think about him being violent and drunk with the children around. Is there a family member who could perhaps come stay with you for a bit and help out?
There is certainly no need to feel stupid at all. You seem very bright and its wonderful that you want to stop his manipulating, lying, mooching, etc. I wish you the best of luck. Finding this forum was the best thing i could have done to start out with.
I'm fairly new here, but welcome!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 143
Welcome, Jess. I am so glad that you have found SR, it can be a great source of strength and was one of the only ways I stayed convicted in my decision to separate from my X and to finally take stock in myself. Your post truly breaks my heart to read. Know that you are not alone. It may seem unbelievable that a group of online strangers can truly care for you, but we do, and will be here to help you or support you in whatever decisions you make. I am so grateful for SR and for the many wise and loving individuals I have encountered here. I can only second what everyone else has said. I truly hope for the sake of your children and yourself that you can find your way out of this. This abuse robs us of our very spirit. You are more than this, you must remember that. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 281
Originally Posted by jess9776
Hello everyone. I'm 34 years old and grew up with an alcoholic father and I’m new here, been lurking for quite some time. I know this will be all over the place but this is the first time I’ve “talked” about this to anyone and I need to get it out.
Hi Jess. You'll find lots of support here and my heart goes out to you. I was just reading through the replies and someone mentioned deleting the history after you've been here. I agree. As everyone else has said, you are living in abuse. It's not unusual that you're only starting to talk about it now. It took me years to talk about the abuse I was living with when I was with my ex AH. I've lived in the world you're living and I understand the pain and fear. And, you will get out of the relationship when you're ready. In saying that, if your children are at immediate risk, it is vital you protect them by leaving, calling the police etc.
I’ve been with my abf now for almost 2 years. We have 3 ½ month old twins together a beautiful little girl and handsome little man, I have 3 wonderful, beautiful girls from my first marriage (verbally abusive, he completed suicide a few years ago after I left him and he was served with a pfa). I know I need to get away from him, but I’m scared. I’m embarrassed that I got into a relationship with him after what I went through with my late h. I thought I learned my lesson that time, guess I didn’t. I feel stupid for it. I feel stupid for putting my girls through this; I feel badly for my babies who have a drunk and (I think) crack addict for a dad. I can't or rarely go out to visit my mom or anyone cause it's not worth it. It's not worth it to come home to a drunk who will then accuse me of being with someone else.
Yes, I can understand why you're feeling scared. You're definately not stupid. You may have been in a vulnerable state of mind after your late husband killed himself and this vulnerability can colour reason. Also, being raised in an alcoholic environment, as adult children, we often repeat the patterns of our past. (This is not our fault and we can change these patterns when we're ready). You are not to blame for the abuse. Your ABF is isolating you (another form of abuse).
He blames me for everything. He lost his job right before the babies were born. He lives here with us, does very little. He gets angry at me for his giving up his apartment to live here with us. His credit is shot. He never has money. What money he gets for unemployment is gone so quickly. He'll buy a little bit of groceries and thinks I should be grateful for that. I paid for almost everything that the twins have; the carseats, the stroller, the pack and play, diapers, formula for my little girl who doesn’t want to nurse but her brother does, thankfully. I buy pretty much all their clothes. He spends his money on beer and I really think, drugs. He does practically nothing around here. I wash clothes, clean floors, the bathroom, sweep floors, cook, wash dishes. He sometimes will do dishes and takes out the trash, and I ever do that sometimes. I’m not looking for pity, just venting. Yet he yells at me for things I don’t get accomplished. Last night, for instance, he was out visiting his uncle and later, a friend, and I didn’t get the chicken I bought wrapped up and put in the freezer. He comes home and flips out and is all huffing about how, “I’ll get it,” because he wrapped up the chicken. It has leaked in the fridge before, that’s why he gets mad. He tells me to get with the program, I don’t do anything, etc. Meanwhile, every single day, he sleeps til 11 or 12 after staying up almost all night drinking. Sometimes he’ll then take another nap later in the day. How can someone sleep so much?! He says he need time for himself that's why he goes out and stays out for at lest 4-5 hrs at a time, not everyday, but close enough. I actually like it when he's gone. Except when I hear him come in cause I don't know what kind of mood he'll be in.
An abuser will find any reason to abuse. Basically all you need to do is breathe and he'll find a reason to attack. I'm feeling for you because I remember too well that sick, anxious feeling in my gut when my exAH would walk through the door.
He loves to say that I’m the reason my h killed himself. I know that’s not true, and I tell him as much. I didn’t know he was part of my marriage back then!
The good thing is, you're not buying into his crap...you know he's not talking as a rational or sane being. It still hurts though, I know.
He tells me that he’ll take the babies since they’re “his kids.” That’s what scares me. He has no car, has no problem taking my car which I pay for, pay insurance on, and he’ll drink and drive using it. Leaves me with 5 kids and no car. I’ve told him thousands of times not to. I would love to call the police on him and have them catch him and give him a DUI. He has admitted to smoking crack before and I think he still does cause I swear I smell it at night when I’m sleeping. Or I’ve seen him in the am with burns on his lips. It’s disgusting. I need to get away from him, I know that. But I feel stuck somehow. I feel like I don’t know what the first thing I should do is. Do I talk to a lawyer, do I talk to the shelter, I don’t know. I feel like my mind is just circling and circling. I feel dumb, I’m an RN (not currently working) you’d think I’d know what to do.
I know a few RN's and they're definately not dumb and you're not either! Some of the replies mentioned calling a domestic violence hotline. That sounds like a good first step. In my country, they're anonymous. I'm sure they are there too, so you can get support without having to disclose who you are. We have anonymous crisis lines too. Maybe you have them there too? I don't know what crack does to people. It sounds hideous. Whatever you decide to do, whatever plan you make, it's important he doesn't find out about it. Whether that's stashing money, packing a few bags in case of quick escape, seeing a counsellor etc.
He constantly accuses me of cheating on him….like I have time for that! With 5 kids who I pretty much care for on my own, I have no time left for myself let alone ANOTHER man!
More abuse. Looking at the different types of abuse, it seems this man does them all.
He will get up and scream in my face and call me names like b*tch and c**t and say f-you to me. I’m just so sick of this. I’m sick of him. I pretty much do everything on my own as it is. I just fear for my babies if I leave. I wonder what he’ll be like when I leave, will he stalk me, or try to hurt me when it’s time for him to visit my babies?
I understand Jess. I really do. I was also called these names on a daily basis by my ex AH. I can understand you fearing for your babies too. In time, you may find the fear you have for them by staying, outweighs the fear you have of leaving. You said a pfa was served on your late H. Is that an AVO? (apprehended violence order/restraining order...that's what they're called here). If it is, it may have been because your late H became more abusive after you ended things? If that's right, then, you probably know that abuse can escalate when the relationship ends....This is why, if you decide to leave, and he does up the ante, you will need help from the police and domestic violence officers (if you have them there...they work along-side the police and support women who are experiencing violence). In regard to your babies, it may be that the courts will not grant him access to his children given his abuse (all this is down the track though...one day at a time...)
He has this large, firm belly that he blames on getting fat from not working…yeah right.
He’s thrown water on me, pushed me once or twice, he threatens me with getting sex elsewhere since I hardly every give him any. He sometime will say that our little girl is his (she looks like him), but not our son and that I must’ve had sex with someone else right after I had it with him when I got pregnant. He used to want a DNA all the time. He’s “checked” my private (don’t know if I can say proper terms here) with his finger to see if I am “too wet” which he says that if I am, I must’ve had sex with someone already.
I'm so sorry to hear how abusively he's treating you. You've taken the first step by talking about it. We are your online friends and I know you can't see us, but we're here for you...every step of the way and a way you will find....
I think you all get the point. I just don’t know where to start. I’m almost there and ready to kick him out but am just stuck. I really think I hate him anymore. He’s so nice when sober, but when drunk, he’s a vile disusting piece of humanity. I don't know how I got to this point of taking so much crap from another human being. I left my late h after he called me a c*nt ONE time and after putting up with years of his abuse. My abf is a million times worse. What a failure I am! Thanks for reading and letting me get this out.
Hi Jess. You'll find lots of support here and my heart goes out to you. I was just reading through the replies and someone mentioned deleting the history after you've been here. I agree. As everyone else has said, you are living in abuse. It's not unusual that you're only starting to talk about it now. It took me years to talk about the abuse I was living with when I was with my ex AH. I've lived in the world you're living and I understand the pain and fear. And, you will get out of the relationship when you're ready. In saying that, if your children are at immediate risk, it is vital you protect them by leaving, calling the police etc.
I’ve been with my abf now for almost 2 years. We have 3 ½ month old twins together a beautiful little girl and handsome little man, I have 3 wonderful, beautiful girls from my first marriage (verbally abusive, he completed suicide a few years ago after I left him and he was served with a pfa). I know I need to get away from him, but I’m scared. I’m embarrassed that I got into a relationship with him after what I went through with my late h. I thought I learned my lesson that time, guess I didn’t. I feel stupid for it. I feel stupid for putting my girls through this; I feel badly for my babies who have a drunk and (I think) crack addict for a dad. I can't or rarely go out to visit my mom or anyone cause it's not worth it. It's not worth it to come home to a drunk who will then accuse me of being with someone else.
Yes, I can understand why you're feeling scared. You're definately not stupid. You may have been in a vulnerable state of mind after your late husband killed himself and this vulnerability can colour reason. Also, being raised in an alcoholic environment, as adult children, we often repeat the patterns of our past. (This is not our fault and we can change these patterns when we're ready). You are not to blame for the abuse. Your ABF is isolating you (another form of abuse).
He blames me for everything. He lost his job right before the babies were born. He lives here with us, does very little. He gets angry at me for his giving up his apartment to live here with us. His credit is shot. He never has money. What money he gets for unemployment is gone so quickly. He'll buy a little bit of groceries and thinks I should be grateful for that. I paid for almost everything that the twins have; the carseats, the stroller, the pack and play, diapers, formula for my little girl who doesn’t want to nurse but her brother does, thankfully. I buy pretty much all their clothes. He spends his money on beer and I really think, drugs. He does practically nothing around here. I wash clothes, clean floors, the bathroom, sweep floors, cook, wash dishes. He sometimes will do dishes and takes out the trash, and I ever do that sometimes. I’m not looking for pity, just venting. Yet he yells at me for things I don’t get accomplished. Last night, for instance, he was out visiting his uncle and later, a friend, and I didn’t get the chicken I bought wrapped up and put in the freezer. He comes home and flips out and is all huffing about how, “I’ll get it,” because he wrapped up the chicken. It has leaked in the fridge before, that’s why he gets mad. He tells me to get with the program, I don’t do anything, etc. Meanwhile, every single day, he sleeps til 11 or 12 after staying up almost all night drinking. Sometimes he’ll then take another nap later in the day. How can someone sleep so much?! He says he need time for himself that's why he goes out and stays out for at lest 4-5 hrs at a time, not everyday, but close enough. I actually like it when he's gone. Except when I hear him come in cause I don't know what kind of mood he'll be in.
An abuser will find any reason to abuse. Basically all you need to do is breathe and he'll find a reason to attack. I'm feeling for you because I remember too well that sick, anxious feeling in my gut when my exAH would walk through the door.
He loves to say that I’m the reason my h killed himself. I know that’s not true, and I tell him as much. I didn’t know he was part of my marriage back then!
The good thing is, you're not buying into his crap...you know he's not talking as a rational or sane being. It still hurts though, I know.
He tells me that he’ll take the babies since they’re “his kids.” That’s what scares me. He has no car, has no problem taking my car which I pay for, pay insurance on, and he’ll drink and drive using it. Leaves me with 5 kids and no car. I’ve told him thousands of times not to. I would love to call the police on him and have them catch him and give him a DUI. He has admitted to smoking crack before and I think he still does cause I swear I smell it at night when I’m sleeping. Or I’ve seen him in the am with burns on his lips. It’s disgusting. I need to get away from him, I know that. But I feel stuck somehow. I feel like I don’t know what the first thing I should do is. Do I talk to a lawyer, do I talk to the shelter, I don’t know. I feel like my mind is just circling and circling. I feel dumb, I’m an RN (not currently working) you’d think I’d know what to do.
I know a few RN's and they're definately not dumb and you're not either! Some of the replies mentioned calling a domestic violence hotline. That sounds like a good first step. In my country, they're anonymous. I'm sure they are there too, so you can get support without having to disclose who you are. We have anonymous crisis lines too. Maybe you have them there too? I don't know what crack does to people. It sounds hideous. Whatever you decide to do, whatever plan you make, it's important he doesn't find out about it. Whether that's stashing money, packing a few bags in case of quick escape, seeing a counsellor etc.
He constantly accuses me of cheating on him….like I have time for that! With 5 kids who I pretty much care for on my own, I have no time left for myself let alone ANOTHER man!
More abuse. Looking at the different types of abuse, it seems this man does them all.
He will get up and scream in my face and call me names like b*tch and c**t and say f-you to me. I’m just so sick of this. I’m sick of him. I pretty much do everything on my own as it is. I just fear for my babies if I leave. I wonder what he’ll be like when I leave, will he stalk me, or try to hurt me when it’s time for him to visit my babies?
I understand Jess. I really do. I was also called these names on a daily basis by my ex AH. I can understand you fearing for your babies too. In time, you may find the fear you have for them by staying, outweighs the fear you have of leaving. You said a pfa was served on your late H. Is that an AVO? (apprehended violence order/restraining order...that's what they're called here). If it is, it may have been because your late H became more abusive after you ended things? If that's right, then, you probably know that abuse can escalate when the relationship ends....This is why, if you decide to leave, and he does up the ante, you will need help from the police and domestic violence officers (if you have them there...they work along-side the police and support women who are experiencing violence). In regard to your babies, it may be that the courts will not grant him access to his children given his abuse (all this is down the track though...one day at a time...)
He has this large, firm belly that he blames on getting fat from not working…yeah right.
He’s thrown water on me, pushed me once or twice, he threatens me with getting sex elsewhere since I hardly every give him any. He sometime will say that our little girl is his (she looks like him), but not our son and that I must’ve had sex with someone else right after I had it with him when I got pregnant. He used to want a DNA all the time. He’s “checked” my private (don’t know if I can say proper terms here) with his finger to see if I am “too wet” which he says that if I am, I must’ve had sex with someone already.
I'm so sorry to hear how abusively he's treating you. You've taken the first step by talking about it. We are your online friends and I know you can't see us, but we're here for you...every step of the way and a way you will find....
I think you all get the point. I just don’t know where to start. I’m almost there and ready to kick him out but am just stuck. I really think I hate him anymore. He’s so nice when sober, but when drunk, he’s a vile disusting piece of humanity. I don't know how I got to this point of taking so much crap from another human being. I left my late h after he called me a c*nt ONE time and after putting up with years of his abuse. My abf is a million times worse. What a failure I am! Thanks for reading and letting me get this out.
Last edited by Floss; 11-19-2010 at 04:20 AM. Reason: My replies didn't change colour....
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