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How do you handle the family control freak?

Old 11-09-2010, 07:43 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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So with more information we can see that the non-artist daughter is controlling, and that the partner was toxic to your artist daughter's sobriety.

I think you were given very good advice by kindeyes that your relationships with your daughters need to be two separate relationships. Also is there any chance the nonartist daughter is feeling that the conversation is always about the artist? That the relationship you have with her is never just about you and her, or her life, or your life, without a partial discussion of the artist daughter ALWAYS thrown in the mix?
Seems that the focus may be too often on the artist daughter, and your other daughter is feeling frustrated, yes?
Or. the opposite may be true. Your other daughter may be continuously asking for too much information about her sister, then complaining about her in the same breath.
Either way, a healthy relationship between you and the nonartist daughter needs to stand on its own.
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Old 11-09-2010, 08:24 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I agree with the point brokenheartfool made, it could be that the nonartist daughter is feeling left out or unappreciated or feels that you favour artist daughter?

My brother is the mess up, I suppose I'm the sensible one. I'm seen as being together, not needing support, being strong, whilst my brother messed up time and time again and my Mum bailed him out, making herself sick with worry in the process.
Every time I saw her our conversation would be about him, every visit, every phone call would revolve around what he was doing...even when he ended up in prison for fraud he was still the injured party, still fussed over and pandered too, sending him money every week, spending her whole weekend visiting him but breaking plans with me every time she was too tired.

She would ring me, I would ask how he was and then I would spend an hour listening to her worry about him, feeling sorry I had asked but feeling that I had to ask to be polite and to show concern otherwise I was labelled "cold".

It drove me mad to be honest. To see my Mum so upset, so "codie". Perhaps a little jealous too that nothing was ever about me because I didn't need help. It was like you almost had to be an f-up to receive any support.
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Old 11-09-2010, 09:36 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Just thought I'd say this:

Helping: doing something for someone they are unable to do for themselves
Enabling: doing something for someone they are perfectly able to do for themselves.
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Old 11-09-2010, 10:11 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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FullCircle, don't you just wish someone would enable YOU for a change? As in: support your decision whether they agree with it or not? I mean --- what's so unreasonable about wanting and hoping for that? What role do friends and family play in our lives? I mean really --- what's the point of relationships with never a sacrifice, never a risk taken? Sometimes the psychobabble in this world is deafening and my head is spins off its axis.

My looneytoons youngest cut me out a year or so ago --- why? Because I included her former stepfather as an e-mail forward recipient. She's done this before. I always just let her go and wallow. I call her and leave a message, if I think there's information she really needs to know. Beginning to see signs that she's wanting back in contact. Fine by me --- she's nuts, I love her, so be it. No advice here -- just yakkin' Good luck.
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Old 11-09-2010, 01:32 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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WOW! love this thread ...but they are adults? right? let them live like adults and let them live they way they want to...and mom, step back...how am i gonna learn to take care OF ME and my children if my mother and father are always bailing me out all the time...??? I am 42 and a WIDOW...I needed support..not to be told or HELPED what to do, this is something i had to learn...for myself and my children....
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