dating recovering alcoholic
 

I have started dating a recovering alcoholic. I have known him a while. He was divorced about five years ago. Being divorced I know it is difficult to date again. My intention was to date casually a few times. I enjoyed his company and their was chemistry. I allowed it to progress a bit further.

This person has not drank between 3 and 4 years. He is very bright, kind, caring person. I have concerns about getting more involved with him because of the alcoholic history. I don't want involved in that. I can guarantee no matter how difficult it was I would walk away if he drank again. However I admire what he is doing.
We have similar values, political beliefs and get a long quite well. He is building his life back up slowly, emotionally supports his children etc. I really enjoy being with him. The negatives are the history of active alcohol abuse and is is a bit too clingy.

He attends AA and seems committed.

So all that being said I welcome any information or advice.

Hi painfree and welcome to SR! :)

Your concerns are valid and wise, my dear!

There will never be a guarantee he will stay sober the rest of his life. I've been around the halls of AA since 1986, and I've seen many go back out the door to never return.

You said emotionally he supports his children. Does he also support them financially?

There are no guarantees in life and definately not any when you are dealing with an alcoholic. This is a life long struggle and a relapse can happen at any time.

With that said, I would keep my eyes and ears open...and, most importantly...trust my gut.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

Does anyone else have anything to say? This person emotionally supports children. No need for financial, they are grown

Hi PF: I agree with the other posters as far as no guarantees are concerned. Considering that I never knew the alcoholic in my life as sober for more than one month at a time, I don't have much value to add here. Unfortunately, at this point in my journey I have no objectivity when it comes to alcoholics - sober or drunk. You might find it helpful to review the posts of the members who are are living with recovering alcoholics. (You can do a search if you click along the SR menu line above.) Just wanted you to know that I wasn't ignoring your post. I wish you well.

When you say he's "emotionally supporting" his kids, what does that mean exactly?

And he's in AA but has he ever worked his steps? Does he have a sponsor?
Addiction is not just about drinking, Drinking is the symtom to an underlying problem such as mental issues.
Dating a recovery A is fine as long as they stay with their program and work the program.
Even if he never drinks again, if he didn't work on WHY he drank, there is little hope for happiness

Emotionally supporting means has over for dinner, checks in on them, maintains a relationship, visits at school, father of the year actually.

That's not emotional support.
Emotional support is listening to them, offering them spiritual guidance, allowing them their good and bad.
It sounds like he's there physically more.

You say his kids are older, was he there for them when they were younger?

Also, did he do his steps, does he have a sponsor?

Thanks for the clarification on his children. I was thinking in terms of younger children, not adults.

Being clingy indicates insecurity. Personally I can't engage with someone like that.

I briefly dated a guy who had been sober 2 years, and although he wasn't physically clingy, he was emotionally clingy. That's a huge turnoff for me.

It got to the point where he was calling every day, sometimes more than once, and I eventually stopped answering the phone. I had asked him not to call every day, and apparently he wasn't going to listen.

He ended up drinking again, and that was the end of that. He's been out there drinking for over 3 years now.

There are never any guarantees. There are red flags to be concerned about, but even if all of the signs are stellar, there is no guarantee of happiness, whether he drinks or not.

Even if he weren't alcoholic, there are no guarantees.

Go slow, keep your eyes and ears (and mind) open. I don't see any need to grill him on what he is doing about his recovery. You might share with him that you are understandably concerned about his continued sobriety. Ask if you can go to a meeting or two with him. If he's committed to AA, that will be a big part of his life in the future--it's good to get an understanding of the program and what it involves. Lots of spouses and partners show up at open meetings.

You might also want to check out Al-Anon. It's great for partners of people in recovery, too. Even people with great sobriety hit bumps in the road now and then, and everything won't be a bed of roses all the time. Of course, that's true of non-alcoholic relationships, too.

I actually found it pretty nice being married to an alcoholic in recovery. We later divorced for other reasons, but it was in many ways a good relationship, even if it wasn't a great marriage (we are still good friends to this day). What's nice about having a partner in recovery is that they have emotional support outside the relationship. It didn't all fall on me to keep his spirits up when he was down, for example. Sometimes I'd just suggest he call his sponsor or one of his AA friends, who did him more good than I could have.

Just another perspective. I think you're smart to be thinking about what this might mean to you.

No he did the steps. I guess I am being too broad with the answer, somewhat fearful I guess who might read this. He has majorly emotionally supported, caring supports feelings. Talks to children in college as much as they are open to. Young adults in college are working on starting their own life so that can be a challenge. Listens to problems. He was there when they were younger as well.

Speaking from the view of a recovering alcoholic myself, I didn't just work the steps once. It's an ongoing, lifetime process in recovery.

I just don't know enough about his recovery to say much more. There are no guarantees he will continue to stay sober long-term, and that's the only thing I can state with 100% accuracy.

I hope you continue to post, and I'm glad you found us. :)

is that not so true....? the steps are always a lifetime change...alcoholics finishes the steps, off to the traditions and once they are done, you start all over....its a continuing lifestye...and a moral inventory of themselves everyday....:lightbulb

Not only the daily moral inventory, but morning prayer and meditation, turning my will and life over to the care of God, carrying the message to others, and practicing these principles in all my affairs, just to mention a few. :)

to me...that is working the HONEST program:You_Rock_