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Still want him to change but it seems hopeless

Old 10-26-2010, 06:10 PM
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Still want him to change but it seems hopeless

I really thought when he said he wanted to help and would do anything for me he meant it but everything just keeps getting worse. I have been trying to set boundaries with my ABF but I feel like all I am doing is causing more problems and pushing him away. I don't go to his house anymore because I told him it was too hard to sit by myself all weekend while he was passed out from drinking. I took my house key back a couple weeks ago and told him he couldn't come to my house if he is drinking. I also told him he couldn't use my washer and dryer anymore because he would conveniently want to see me when he needed to do laundry. (and then drink in my basement and hide the bottle)

I also told him I wanted him to commit to taking me on a date, not just hanging out at one of our houses because it is just an opportunity for him to drink. I also said he needs to show up AND be on time. So many things have been ruined because he drinks, passes out and doesn't show up. I actually stopped inviting him to events because then I don't need to be disappointed or lie for him. A couple weekends ago he took me for a really nice dinner and we went shopping after and had a great evening. Then this past Saturday we had plans at 5 and at 5:20 he had not arrived and I noticed a missed call on my cell phone. I called back and he had no reason for being late and acted like I had the problem for being upset because I am "always mad" and "just blame his drinking for everything". He didn't get to my house until 5:45. When he came in I kept waiting (hoping) for an apology but instead he kept trying to talk about meaningless things or acted like I was the one with the problem. It is never a big deal that he is late. It mad me mad because I worked 6 days straight, got off at 3 and rushed home to get ready and do a few things around the house and he was at home all day. I finally told him I wasn't in the mood to go and he might as well leave. As he was walking out he said "Well, sorry I was late" (not sincere) and "I am so glad I drove all the way over here." I shut the door and a minute later he was knocking and ringing the door bell. He wanted to know if I wanted him to drop off a gift for his niece's birthday party the next day. I said no. Then he asked for his house keys back. I gave them back and he said "it's not like you were going to come over anyways".

He finally left and called once but I didn't answer. The next day was his niece's party which I know he would be on time for because he had to pick up his grandma and take her. (I wasn't going because I had a party for my brother-in-law at the same time.) His family thinks he is sober because he lies to all of them.

I guess I am frustrated because I foolishly thought setting boundaries would make him want to get his act together or at least make me feel better. I am lonely and disappointed. I don't even really know how much he is drinking anymore because the calls/texts are sporadic and we don't really see each other. I feel like I am hanging on to what I once knew of him. (we dated 15 years ago) And I also feel used. I lent him quite a bit of money because he had financial problems and his house is in foreclosure. It didn't help him--he hasn't paid me a cent and is still in debt and it is getting worse. I think I also get angry because I feel like he tells his family I am the one with the problem and they all think he is wonderful. He always is able to get to family functions so why can't he get to my house on time or show up consistently? I feel cheated.

I have only gotten 2 texts since then...one said "you alive" and the other was a photo of his hand. (he sends goofy texts usually when he is drinking).

Thanks for reading...I needed to vent because I have no one else to talk to.
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Old 10-26-2010, 06:27 PM
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Vent away!

Unfortunately, the only person you can control is you. Bounderies are set to protect you, if he oversteps your bounderies then the ball is in your court, you either stick to them or you fold like a house of cards. If you fold, the bounderies mean nothing.

I guess the bottom line is, what do you want out of your life? Only you know the answer to that question.

Take care of you!
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Old 10-26-2010, 06:43 PM
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You are NOT causing problems. His drinking is causing problems. Problems in his life, problems with his relationship, his ability to pay his bills etc etc. Remember that alcoholism is progressive. Things get worse until they want recovery. Sounds like he doesn't fully own up to the fact that drinking is tearing up his life bit by bit. And you are forced to watch this slow moving train wreck.

You aren't asking for anything that he shouldn't be able to do if he were sober (be on time, be consistent, enjoy spending time with you). Don't let his drinking become and excuse for putting up with his crummy behavior or treatment as a boyfriend. I know it is hard but letting go of that fantasy and who he was is the first step. I had to do that. I also had a prior history with my RABF before he was a mess. But he isn't that guy for the most part. The drinking has changed so much of him so I put my fantasy in a neat little package and set it adrift. It is the only way. Once I started seeing the REALITY of his life and who he is, boundaries were easy peasy to stick to.

Maybe you haven't fully accepted that this is who he is right now. This is the person you are dating. Not that other guy and not the dream guy you have created. I think once you do that, you will see how you are not at all at fault or creating more problems. HE is creating problems and about to lose a great gal because he won't get help.
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