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Old 10-26-2010, 01:50 PM
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Mixed emotions

My AH is moving out this weekend. My son and I will be out of town. He has been fixing up his new rented house with his mother and sister and I feel pissed. He gets to move out and get new furniture and he is spending time with his mother that when we were together he never wanted to see and always complained about her. I feel like he is being taken care of when they should just be telling him to find his own way and buck up and be a man! Since he is losing me, who has been like his "mother" in a way, he has just gone back to his real mother and she is so messed up she is just so happy I am sure to be helping him and feeling needed she can't see how he really is!

Then on the other hand I am happy he has family to help him with this transition.

I don't know what his parent's are thinking, they are divorced and remarried. I am wasting time worrying that they think I am a terrible person for thinking he has a problem with drinking. I haven't talked to them at all since AH told them we were separating. I feel like writing them a letter, but not ready yet to talk to them.

I want him to be unhappy about this moving out and he doesn't seem to be, he probably can't wait to party it up without responsibility.

This is so hard.
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Old 10-26-2010, 02:27 PM
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Big Hugs Jackthe dog. It is hard when someone else swoops in to save them and they don't make the crash landing you'd hoped they would to shake themselve up and see things our way. I felt this too. If only, if only he would have finally hit that lower than low he would have done what he needed to do-gotten straight, gone to anger management, learned to be a good husband and a good dad. If only! But that is just it-we can't make them see things our way. We cannot help if they find a soft place to land and still don't change. We can only make ourselves see things our own way. We can only change us.

Why do you feel you need to tell his mom? I know I felt this too and now that I can step back because it has been over a year I would say for me it was to be vindicated in some way--which now I know makes no sense. I need to take care of me and shake off what xah and anyone he has "told all about me"--any of the stuff they think and say about me. I need to shake it off. I know who I am. They do not. It is not easy though when you are already in so much pain.

Surround yourself with those who support you. Take care of you and your son. Don't worry about him. His transition is his business and your transition is yours. What are you going to do for you to make the transition easier for you? Set your sights on your future and the future of your son. Those are the things you can do.

Another fine quote by my sister--says it to me all the time. "Woulda, coulda, shoulda will not get you to where you want to go now." Be gentle with yourself. I am sorry you are hurting so much.:ghug3
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Old 10-26-2010, 02:39 PM
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I can relate to how you're feeling. My AH and I have been separated for 6 weeks now. I've been holding a ton of resentment because I picture him enjoying his time living as a bachelor with no responsibilities while I'm still here taking care of our daughter, the dogs, the house, etc.

I talked to my therapist about it and she asked me if I knew for a fact that he was enjoying living on his own. I told her that no, I didn't know for a FACT, but that I'm sure he was living it up over there with no one to answer to. Again, she asked me if I KNEW that he was having fun. I had to finally admit that no, I didn't know that, it was just the image I had built up in my mind.

In reality, AH just recently admitted to me that he's in a deep depression and spends almost every night crying in front of the tv. Whether that's true or not, I have no way of knowing. But it's vastly different than the version I had formed in my head, of him having a grand old time without us while I tried to pick up the pieces of our lives. Either way, I have to keep the focus on me, but it helped to realize that the scenarios I create in my mind don't always match the reality.

Sorry you're going through this right now, I know how bad it hurts.
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Old 10-26-2010, 02:45 PM
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I can relate to the place you are at. I was there a few years ago. I wanted him to suffer. I wanted him to hurt as much as I did. I wanted him to 'pay' for his poor choices. Why? I guess because I thought it would somehow make ME feel better, knowing he was suffering as much I was.

The truth is, nothing would have made me feel better. Whether he was suffering or living it up having a grand old time, I was still going to have to grieve my loss. Splitting up with someone you've been with a long time hurts. No way to get around that. Doesn't matter if he's doing great or awful....it still hurts. ((()))

L
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Old 10-26-2010, 02:54 PM
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I understand. For me it wasn't so much that I wanted him to suffer - it was that it was unjust. Noo, it can not be. Things must be just and FAIR. I didn't think it was just or fair. But, so what. It might not be. I know that when it comes down to it I have what I really want - freedom and my kids. None of it is fair really but then - no one said life was fair. I have to let the 'fair' thing go. :meditate: I mostly have.
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Old 10-26-2010, 04:19 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Doesn't matter if he's doing great or awful....it still hurts. ((()))
I would like to respectfully disagree, it's much better if they are doing awful.

When the fit hit the shan with my marriage, the axw's clan circled the wagons to protect ALL of their diseases, I was definitely the odd man out.

The one thing that bothered me was that I'd known my FIL for 13 years and I liked him. I was exiled and banished from the kingdom, and I did miss him and cared what he thought about me.

Then I learned here, from CatsPajamas, "What other people think of me is none of my business". When I was able to internalize that concept, I was able to detach from a lot of STUFF. It really helped, still does.

Hang in there.

Thanks and God bless us all,
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Old 10-26-2010, 05:12 PM
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He may well party it up over at the new place..and how amazing for you that you won't have to deal with him, his mess, lies, deceptions,abuses,etc. You will have a calm HOME, not a party house. That wears thin pretty quick dontcha think?
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Old 10-26-2010, 05:24 PM
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You're his wife, not his mother! You can never BE his mother even if you acted like you were, needed to be or even wanted to be, even if thats what he wanted!
That's not what wives are for!

Let him go back to Mummy (in whatever way he is doing), and enjoy the freedom it gives you.
It doesn't matter what his family thinks of you. If you think it does, and if they were worth bothering about, then don't you think they'd have spoken to you before now to see how you were doing instead of just papering over the cracks of his new place?
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Old 10-26-2010, 06:20 PM
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If she wants to spend all her time and energy taking care of a grown man, let her. That is not your problem. Know this: She is not helping him, she is enabling him. Yes, she's creating a soft landing for him so that he can continue his bad behavior. Of course she is like this and of course you have been too. We are enablers. Check your thinking: How healthy is it? I understand completely wanting to write her a letter; that is part of the sickness. For me, I wanted to write the letter because I KNEW the version he was going to give his family would be all lies and stories blaming ME! Whatever you need to do, I suggest getting it over with as quickly as possible. The sooner he is out of your hair, and the sooner he is not telling you all his business, the faster you will get to peace and serenity.
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Old 10-26-2010, 07:27 PM
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Mothers and their sons...ugh. He's probably miserable anyway.

In any event, remember the spiritual axiom. Whenever I am disturbed, no matter the cause, there is something wrong with me. It's emotional maturity and emotional freedom.

Call your sponsor.
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