kia

well i have now just been told that all the happened last week was my fault as i wouldnt let go can anyone see the logic in that cos i cant he was the one begging me on the phone not to cut contact.

He did say something which i forget but it was like a light went on and i thought now that is complete lies from the one in a nappy and sorry i prob shouldnt be flippant but i guess its that or cry atm.

I do hate winters cos i cant get out the same its so cold here now and the incination to go out just isnt there that day out at daughters wore me out took me two days to feel better i know i need to do something with my days i just dont know what.

I did kinda make him think cos i asked what it is he wants from me and he finally after going all round the houses answered me and said your my best friend and i want u to carry on been that and i said well the question is so i want your friendship isnt it and he was well errrr think it threw him that cos that was me taking control back for my life and what i do.

But blaming me for all this what a nerve eh he also said we wouldnt work cos he only likes nutter i almost typed out no u like drunks like u and as im not one we had no chance i dont really think he knows how friends can work given the way things are im making plans in my head to get my things back as soon as i can then i think maybe for me there will be closure cos even the thought of him touching me now is making me cringe so i think maybe im 50 per cent there just stick with me please everyone i know u all dispare of me most of the time but its helping me writing all this down

suki44883

If you would actually go no contact, you wouldn't have to listen to his whining and accusations. No IMs, no texts, no phone calls, no visits, no discussing him with others. No contact means exactly that...NO CONTACT.

kia

i think i just need a life that dont revolve around him its just what that life is the prob i really did need that al anon meeting this week didnt i u notice the difference im more decieded when ive been to them my mind thinks more clearer i think

Summerpeach

Keeping the drama alive keeps you too busy to focus on you. Keeping the focus on you is so hard. Truths about yourself are hard to face. I know, I am doing it now. The pain is unbearable some days.
It's SO much easier to keep the focus on another person because the pain is much less

No one can tell you when you'll be ready to heal, but the pain is close to killing you, you will retreat and heal.

kia

yep your right cos the pains bad now

Babyblue

Yes this is a game for sure. He pokes, she pokes back and it goes on and on. One of you (hopefully you) will tire of this and end the madness. I've been in this kind of toxic relationship where the negativity takes on a life of its own. I saw it as my way of holding onto something of the relationship even though it was in tatters. Negative attention was better than none. But it isn't better. In fact it is a sign of my own issues with self esteem.

Relationships are about love and understanding. It is that simple. You need to love yourself first to know that what he is doing to you isn't love at all.

dollydo

I can't follow all this drama. To me, it can all be resolved by going no contact.

When I first started following this thread I thought that you, Kia, were in the 20-25 year old bracket,and, then I read that you were celebrating your daughters 21st birthday, to be honest, based on your emotional base, I was very surprised. I am in no way trying to put you down, I am just concerned that unless you get some help you will never move forward with your life and attain the emotional IQ level that you should be at.

Maybe I just misread your post that your daughter is 21, if I did I am sorry that I posted this response. In any case, please consider more meetings and if you can do it, go to a therapist. There is help for you, if you will just reach out for it.

All said with caring thoughts for your well being.

Tally

I don't really think age is relevant. Do you mean "she should know better at her age" or am I reading you wrong Dolly?

Tally

Amazing post Babyblue, really hit home for me. Thank you.

CatsPajamas

I am going to step in and remind everyone to say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. We are all at different places in our living situations, our choices, our relationships and our recovery. If someone elses situation brings out some strong emotions in you, please watch how you respond. There are things here on SR that people share that are strong triggers for me. My first reaction might not be the best or most supportive thing to share.

Thanks for understanding

Cats
Forum Mod

dollydo

I agree, numeric age is not revelant. It is the emotional IQ level that counts. I can be a 40 year old woman, yet have the emotional IQ of a 25 year old. This is not an unusual situation.

And, it is not so much the circumstance that we are involved in, it is how we handle it.

There is alot of information on the net about emotional IQ, may clarify what I am trying to express.

Again, I am not trying to be harsh, I know Kia is suffering, and I too, would like her to get a grip and move forward.

What I have posted is just food for thought, nothing more.

kia

sorry didnt read these till today i think your all right its just the doing thats the problem had a big fight last night hes told me if i dont make arrangements immediately hes gonna sell my things told him im not coming whiles hes like this and i will sort out coming to get it when hes more sober this was more him been himself but im not been controlled this time he wont do anything to it have had this conversation with him on many occasions and once hes calmer i will go and get it and then maybe i can cut contact cos while its still there its like theres a connection and if need be ill take someone with me but i really dont want to aggrevate the situation anymore than is necessary we had a break up once before and i rang my brother to come and get me and its one hell of a long drive and not to mention the cost of the petrol and everyones skint and no offence but brother isnt a good driver long distance so if i can would be better on my own so will wait till things are calmer but thank u all of u for listening to me i am taking it in more than u know and sorry if it caused a bit of a problem didnt mean it to and yes i do have a 21 year old daughter xx

Bolina

Kia, did you read my post on your last thread?

Get your stuff, kia. Keeping it there is just an excuse for you both to have contact, as you say. It's not fair, either - why should he store your things for you? How much is there? Do you need a car? Can your ex H help? A taxi? Your new al-anon friend? Your daughter? Arrange a time, go and get your stuff, vow to stay silent and not rise to any provocation from him and get out. Or send someone else with a list, so that you don't have to face him at all. Keep your eye on the goal, which is to move on into your new, happier life, right? You can do this. We've got your back.

kia

its 3 hours drive and then another 3 back again so no cant really ask atm so will have to wait anyhow i think hes kept it there to be honest cos its a way to draw me back to him but i need to get myself together before i go and like u say keep my eye on my new life thanks eh means alot xx

Bolina

Kia, I didn't realise that this guy lives so far away from you. How did you meet him?

kia

dont laugh but i met him in a bank chat room that was set up to help ppl with bank charges and the first night i met him he was having a right go at everyone cos supposedly it was to help me that night cos i think i had got into a bit of an argument with someone that night i rule the day i ever let him into my life wish id listened to an inner voice saying hes trouble keep well clear but well he came on the next nite and was so nice and sweet we chatted about out pets for hours in there and then i put him msn and it went from there really as friends for quite a while and thats where it should of stayed but lifes not like that eh some say u have to go threw these things to learn and boy am i learning to never trust a guy ever again and as for the verbal abuse im just reading about

Summerpeach

When I broke up with my ex from 2002, I asked him to bring my stuff to a friends and he did, but forgot many of the things I asked for. Many of the good things.
Since I didn't want any more contact with him, I just let the "things" go and pretend like I was on a sinking ship and all my belongings sank.
Forget your things...........nothing (unless it's a living breathing being) is not worth all this painful drama!
Stuff can be replaced. Money can be re earned
Move on

kia

my mums teddy bears cant be though summer i should never have really left em there and i had many chances to bring em back but at the time it felt as if i didnt trust him to look after them i took em cos was meant to be moving in and wanted it to feel like home.

Have been reading some stuff about verbal abuse thats upset me too cos its right there in print had me weeping that did cos thats what he did to me and is still doing sooner im done the better