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What do I do?

Old 10-22-2010, 08:47 AM
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What do I do?

My fiance is an alcoholic. He lost his job, his unemployment has not kicked in yet and he has no money. HIs family and I want to put him into rehab. I bought him groceries, filled up his tank of gas and gave him $60 Monday. He had been sober for 5 days and last night he drank. We live in N.O., he lives in his own apartment, he is presently behind in the rent for Sept. & Oct. and needs to move out the end of this month. He is from Alabama and his family lives there. He was supposed to go their today to get a mental eval. prior to rehab and I told his daughter about him drinking last night. She told him she was going to get him groceries and write out a check in my name so I can fill his tank, buy him cigarettes etc. but she wasn't going to give him money. He wanted $100. He is mad at everyone now, he is not answering the phone and refusing to go to Al. for the eval. or to rehab. His children are calling me because I live here close to him. What do I do?
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Old 10-22-2010, 08:52 AM
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If he doesn't want to go to rehab, he doesn't want to go.

Rehab is not a cure, and the alcoholic has to want recovery if it's going to work at all.

Filling his tank, buying him groceries and cigarettes, giving him money, etc does nothing but cushion the consequences of his drinking.

What are you doing for yourself to heal from the effects of his alcoholism?
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Old 10-22-2010, 08:57 AM
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I would stop giving him money, paying his bills, buying his gas and groceries, and doing any other thing that a grown adult is capable of doing for himself. If he wants to be mad, I would let him sit in his unpaid-for apartment and be mad all by himself. I would take the money I would have given him and go shopping with a girlfriend tonight, and buy myself a wonderful new dress and pair of shoes, and a nice book. Then I would go home, lock all the doors and windows, unplug the telephone, and run a hot bubble bath. Then I would soak in it, put on my cozy pajamas and climb into bed tonight and read my new book and go to sleep.
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:11 AM
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Seems like it's time for you to set and enforce boundaries...either that or you're going to get dragged on the mad mad ride of your fiancÚ's addiction. I know it's not easy to say NO to family members, but in this case, you may very well have to do that and be considered a cold b*tch. So be it. You are no his keeper.

You and his daughter are only providing a "soft place" for your fiancÚ to land, so that he doesn't have to truly face the consequences of HIS actions. Think about this: where you or she ever there forcing the booze down his throat? Didn't think so. Every time he reached for a drink, he was making a choice. As a adult, he needs to learn that there are consequences to his choices, be that eviction, homelessness or illness.

Step far away from the alcoholic in your life and grant him the *dignity* of finding recovery for himself.

I would kindly tell his children that you are not getting involved in this, and that he can choose to talk or not talk to whomever he wants.
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:20 AM
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Thank you all for your words of advice, I feel much more calm.
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Old 10-22-2010, 10:38 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You will find loads of support and information here.

This is a link to a sticky (permanent) post. the sticky posts are at the top of the forum and contain some of our stories. This link contains steps that some of us have taken:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 10-22-2010, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by lb6493 View Post
Thank you all for your words of advice, I feel much more calm.
You are not alone. We've all had our experiences with active alcoholism in our lives.

I'd suggest checking into Alanon meetings in your area for you. Get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I think it will help you.

I hope you continue to post, and know you are among friends!
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